The Human, the Halfling, and the Ugly

[captnamazing]

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Three dervish bandits walk together along the sandy dunes of the Oasis. The high noon sun beats down on their sweaty brows.

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They draw closer together. The ogre glances nervously at the two barbarians.

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They come to their destination: a pair of tents. There is no one around, no sound heard but the water, their feet crunching through the sand, and the shriek of a desert eagle in the air.

The thug nods to his two friends. Weapons drawn, they rush into the leftmost tent. For a moment, silence.

The sound of clashing metal rings through the air, followed quickly by the dying screams of three men.

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Suddenly, a troll bursts through the tent flaps, leaping over the fallen bodies.

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[captnamazing]

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“Please, I got a family! I thought he was dead...” Guard Inofus protests.

Filbus smiles at him. His hands edge a bit closer to his sword hilts. “You still haven't told me who helped you burn Jacko!”

Inofus's voice trembles. “L-listen. I don't know where the case of platinum is buried!”

Filbus stops cold. His head cocks to the side.

“But I got a little left from the heist,” Inofus continues. “It was me and Hrakin, I swear! Listen... how much is Jacko paying you to kill me?”

“Five hundred platinum,” says Filbus.

Inofus draws out a leather purse packed to the brim with coin. His hand shakes and it makes the purse jingle. “I'll give you one thousand plat to go kill that bastard!”

Filbus smiles. A bead of sweat rolls into his eye and he blinks it away. “One thousand? That's a pretty sum. One thing you should know about me, Inofus...” Filbus whips his swords forward and pierces Inofus's heart. “I always finish the job.”

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It doesn't take long for Filbus to find Hrakin.

“You did it, you did it!” Hrakin cries. He thrusts money towards Filbus, who does not move to take it.

“I did, and now the secret of your buried treasure is safe.”

Inofus starts. How did Filbus find out about the money? He blinks. “How did you--”

“Enough. I did the job. You want to hear something funny? Inofus offered me one thousand to come back and kill you.”

Inofus laughs nervously.

Filbus takes the money from him. When their hands meet, Filbus breaks Hrakin's wrist. The man falls forward screaming, and the halfling puts a blade against his neck. “How much money?”

“Two... hundred... thousand!” Hrakin manages.

Filbus's eyes light up. He presses the sword a little harder down. A drop of blood rolls along the edge of the blade. “Where is it?”

“I won't tell you...”

Filbus hacks off one of Hrackin's hands. “YOU'VE LOST A HAND!” the hobbit roars. “MONEY WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD IF YOU'RE DEAD!”

Hrakin screams feebly. His face is pale like a boiled potato. “South Karana,” he whispers. “Buried in the northern graveyard...”

Filbus grins and leans back. “Good. That wasn't so hard, was it?”

Hrakin shakes his head and sits up.

“Remember, Hrakin,” Filbus warns. “I always finish the job.” His blade flashes in the dusk.

Hrakin falls to the ground, dead.

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Filbus quickly makes his way out of Freeport, stopping only briefly to stock up on provisions for the long journey ahead...

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He will have to do it by foot. No druid can be trusted. Freeport to the Commons. Commons to Ro. Ro to the swamps. The swamps through the mountains, sail across the lake, and finally arrive at the graveyard. Two hundred thousand platinum... he'd never have to tank another day in his life.

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[captnamazing]

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It is night. The Southern Desert of Ro is empty for miles. There are only dunes.

Ogbert's breath is labored. He comes over the top of a dune and tumbles down, barely regaining his footing. Three men chase him.

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The troll runs and runs. But he is tired. His lips are cracked and bleeding. The men behind him will not stop pursuit. Ogbert knows this. Maybe if he can get to the swamp, he will lose them...

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But, Ogbert gets to the grasslands and trips on a shrub. He howls in pain. “OGBERT'S ANKLE GIT SPRAINED,” he says.

The men close in.

Ogbert stands up and draws his sword. He cannot run any longer.

A man sprints across the distant dunes, directly towards Ogbert and his pursuers.

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He draws his Trueshot Longbow and rapidly lets fly three arrows. Each arrow finds its mark in the back of the Dervish Cutthroats.

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“Ogbert is saved!” the troll says happily. He gingerly holds his sprained ankle.

The human draws close, not even glancing at the corpses of his victims. “You are one ugly troll,” he says. His voice is gruff and raw.
“You wait till Ogbert take off glasses.” Ogbert says. “Then you see, Ogbert very handsome.”

“I don't care. How much are you worth?”

Ogbert pauses. He looks at the dead bodies around him, then back to the ranger. He pouts for a moment, staring at his injured ankle. “Two thousand.”

Oldjim smiles. “You're coming with me.”

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The pair travels all night, entering the hellish swamps of Innothule. Oldjim leads Ogbert through the swamp by a leather strap attached to a collar around the troll's neck.

“You a mean man,” Ogbert says over and over.

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[captnamazing]

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Dawn of the next day. Ogbert stands with his neck fastened in ropes tied to the executioner's block.

A dark elf named Kumack calls loudly for all those watching to hear. “By the Law of Grobb, under sanction of Innoruuk, I sentence Ogbert Tracyjordan to death! His crimes include: being hideous, removing his glasses in front of the Lord of Grobb's wife, salacious advances on the Lord of Grobb's wife, sedition among the trolls of Grobb, petty theft, disrupting the peace, trollslaughter...” He snaps the scroll shut and picks up his executioner's hammer. “The crimes are too many for me to read in one day. Do any protest this execution?”

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Silence.

Filbus smirks. He clings to the edge of the crowd next to Grabah, a troll merchant who will do business with him. When he stopped in Grobb to resupply, he hadn't expected a show!

Grabah burps in disgust. “Who would protest the death of an ugly troll like that?”

Chuckling, Filbus says, “Even the ugliest troll has a guardian angel...” he points to a shadowy figure lurking in a distant passageway.

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After waiting for a polite amount of time, Kumack declares, “INTO THE REALM OF DEATH FOR YOU, OGBERT!” He heaves the hammer back.

Ogbert mewls. His eyes are shut tight. Sweat on his head makes his glasses start to slip off.

The hammer swings.

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Oldjim bursts into action. He lets loose one arrow. It strikes the head of the moving mallet, knocking it from Kumack's hands. Two more arrows sever each of the robes encircling Ogbert's neck.

Ogbert uses the moment of surprise wisely. He leaps from the executioner's block onto the ground. But, he cannot see! Where are his glasses?? “I LOST MY GLASSES!” Ogbert screams. “OGBERT CAN'T SEE!”

The crowd, beholding the beauteous form of Ogbert's face, gasps in awe. They freeze as though caught in time.

“This way!” Oldjim calls to Ogbert.

The troll, luckily snatching up his glasses, shoves through the crowd and follows the human out of Grobb.

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Somewhere in the vast swamp, they finally stop.

“You save Ogbert's life!” the troll cheers.

Oldjim takes out a coinpurse. “Let's see... the bounty on your head was for two thousand. That's one thousand two hundred for me, eight hundred for you.”

Ogbert frowns. He plays with his lips for a minute. He looks cunningly at Oldjim. “Okay, that sound good,” the troll says.

“Let's get you up to Freeport... I bet if you take your glasses of near Lucan D'Lere's wife we can get you a bounty of at least five thousand!”

“Me Ogbert!” Ogbert exclaims, and he follows the ranger onward.

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[captnamazing]

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As the duo crosses the desert, they stumble upon the corpse of a desert madman.

“Check if he has any coin on him,” Oldjim suggests.

Drawing nearer, they see that the madman is still, in fact, alive!

“Water...” the man says feebly.

Oldjim looks to Ogbert and shrugs.

The troll spits into his warty hand then rubs the wetness on the madman's lips.

The madman sighs. “Thank you,” he croaks.

“Me Ogbert!” Ogbert says, wiping his hand dry.

“My name... is Jacko.”

Oldjim stands up to leave.

“Treasure...” Jacko says.

Oldjim whips out a flask of water. Holding the madman's head tenderly, he pours some water into the man's lips. “What treasure, friend? Is water not of more worth than gold? Besides, what good is money on the other side?”

“Inofus... Hrakin... They betrayed me. But the plat... It's still there!”
“How much plat?” Oldjim inquires sweetly.

“Two hundred thousand. Buried in the graveyard of South Karana.”

Oldjim looks at Ogbert. Ogbert looks at Oldjim.

Jacko dies.

Ogbert gets back up and trundles onwards to the North.

“Where are you going, you idiot?” Oldjim cries.

“We go Freeport. Ogbert take off glasses show whole world how handsome.”

“No, no! We have to go to South Karana. Two hundred thousand platinum, Ogbert. Do you know what you could do with half of that??”

Ogbert turns around slowly. He shuts one eye as he concentrates on the question. “Contacts?” he asks, finally.

Oldjim laughs. “Yes, my friend, the finest gnomish contacts!”


They travel day and night, burning through Oldjim's SoW pots.

In Rathe mountains, Oldjim notices the tracks of a heavily armored halfling heading in the same direction of them. Was it Filbus? The ranger had seen the legendary warlord at Grobb... Why would he be down here? Oldjim's stomach constricts at the thought of it.

They travel faster, stopping for nothing.

[captnamazing]

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At last, they reach the bridge. The stars shine brilliantly above them. Although the halfling's tracks had ceased, they carry onward. It had been days of traveling without break, but with a fortune so close at hand, a little bit further means nothing to the duo. Oldjim would finally get that fungi, Ogbert would buy gnomish contacts from the legendary tinkerer Nibblewitz. They would be in paradise!

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At the graveyard, there is no one.

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Oldjim posts up on a fallen pyre, keeping watch on the land around them. Ogbert uses his huge hands to claw at the dirt, seeking the buried treasure.

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Oldjim wakes up with a start to Ogbert hollering. He shakes the sleep off... that was bad form.

“OGBERT FIND, OGBERT FIND!” The trolls shrieks gaily. He is covered in soil and bone mulch. Heedless to his appearance and smell, Ogbert points at an urn laying on the freshly opened ground.

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Oldjim goes over and pries it open. Huge, polished coins of platinum roll out onto the grass. “I can't believe it, we're rich!”

“Hold that thought,” a cheerful voice chirps from behind them.

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Oldjim whips around.

“Not so fast,” Filbus says. He chuckles. “I can't believe it's you two. Been a long time since I saw you pull that stunt at Grobb...”

“I'm sure we can split this three ways,” Oldjim parlays.

“Heh, I don't think so,” the halfling replies. “The way I see it, you two lads just did my dirty work. I'm not too good at digging, after all.” He gestures at his head. “The height thing, and all. No, the way I see it, I'm walking out of here with that plat. Don't worry, I'll give you two lads enough to buy a port outta here.”

Ogbert stares at Filbus. “YOU TAKE MONEY?”

“That's right, ugly.”

“Then, Ogbert no get contacts!”

“That's right, Og,” Oldjim says, “Always gonna be ugly!”

“NO!” Ogbert screams. He draws out his sword. “I CHALLENGE YOU!”

“And I challenge you!” Oldjim adds.

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Filbus puts his hands on his hips. He looks a little surprised, but mostly amused. “I'll offer it again... Leave here with your lives. I got nothing against you, personally.”

Ogbert looks calmly at the short warrior. “To Ogbert, life is hell. The children throw rok and poo at Ogbert. They call him ugly! It just because Ogbert have glasses. Then, when Ogbert take off glasses to show the whole world how beautiful, wifes come and kiss Ogbert pee-snake! Then they husband put Ogbert in chains and want to make him dead! Ogbert have chance now for contacts, Ogbert have chance at life. Ogbert rather die than go on like this!”

Filbus nods slowly. He backs up. “I am the chosen of Rallos Zek. I would sooner end my own life than turn down a challenge of combat. Very well, you fools... Let us fight!”

[captnamazing]

http://youtu.be/NbozgoJnzTw (queue this up for the next posts!)

Music comes from the heavens as the combatants square off in a standoff.

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Filbus looks up at the stars. “Kekephee... I will never forget.” he whispers. He draws his bow.

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A skeleton shambles by, heedless of the growing tension.

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The adventurers glance warily between each other. Their hands fidget as they wait for the other to make a move.

Fear grips tight at Oldjim's throat. How is he going to pull this one off? The legends he had heard of Filbus...

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Filbus's eyes flit from Ogbert to Oldjim, from Oldjim to Ogbert. His fingers tense on the bowstring. Who will attack first?

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Ogbert is ready to die. But Ogbert does not want to die ugly. He moves his hand towards his face.

[captnamazing]

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Filbus, sensing the troll's movement, takes aim.

Ogbert takes off his glasses. “NOW YOU SEE, WORLD? YOU SEE HOW HANDSOME OGBERT REALLY IS?”

Filbus, seeing Ogbert's unmarred face, falters. The bow slips in his grasp. How could it be? The arrow flops forward and lands lamely in the dirt. He is enchanted by Ogbert's face. The troll is more beautiful than Grumphilda, a being Filbus had thought to be perfect. The trials he had undergone to win her hand, and here, in the wilds of Karanas, he has found a creature whose form is more divine than anything Grumphilda could imagine. The halfling feels something inside his chest pop.

Oldjim looses an arrow. It plinks off of Filbus's armor.

The halfling warlord tumbles to the ground. Blood streams from his mouth. So much pain in his chest... Could this really be possible? Visions of the past flash through his mind. Darkness crowds the edges of his sight, but he tilts his head back, beholding Ogbert. It is utter pain for the halfling, yet he cannot look away. Filbus convulses, and then stops moving.

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Ogbert stares blindly at the fallen halfling. He puts his glasses back on. “What happen?” he asks.

Oldjim picks his arrow up off the ground. The wooden field point is broken to pieces.

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There is no sign of a wound on the hobbit, but chunky blood flows freely from his mouth. His eyes are glazed over, and on his face is plastered a look of ultimate satisfaction.

Oldjim snaps the arrow in half and tosses it on Filbus' body. “I don't know,” he says finally.

“We win?”

Oldjim shrugs. “I-” he stops. Begins again, “I am beginning to wonder if any of us can really 'win' in this world...”

“WHAT YOU MEAN?” Ogbert roars. “OGBERT GET MONEY, OGBERT GET CONTACTS! OGBERT. WIN.”

The duo splits the money. Oldjim gives Ogbert twenty thousand extra.

“Hey!” Ogbert protests, “Don't try to cheap me!” He lunges towards the ranger.

“No-- Don't!” Oldjim dodges back, barely avoiding Ogbert's sword.

“YOU TRY TO STEAL!!!”

Oldjim lands a Snare on Ogbert, who hobbles toward the ranger, howling in anger. “Goodbye, old friend,” the human says to the troll. He turns away and runs off into the rising dawn.

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Ogbert watches in frustration as Oldjim escapes. How could his friend betray him like this!? “YOU BASTARD!” the troll shouts. “OGBERT FIND YOU. OGBERT CRUUUSHHH YOOOOUUU!!”

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[captnamazing]

CREDITS:

Filbus -- Writing
Filbus -- Directing
Filbus -- Location Huting
Filbus -- Producer
Filbus -- as Filbus
Kekephee -- as Ogbert
Regnor -- as Oldjim
Skarry -- as Kumack
a desert madman -- as Jacko
Grabah -- as Grabah
Dervish Cutthroat -- as Dervish Cutthroat
Dervish Thug -- as Dervish Thug

Special thanks to:
Docvan -- on-site Rezzer

[Kekephee]

Interactive RP thread! PLEASE TURN TAPE OVER