The Rules of Sex

[Ruinous]

Re-posting this from here ... a bit lengthy but worth every minute spent reading it for the lulz and truth within.


And now for a guy's perspective... DONT FUCKING ACT LIKE WE ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR BAD SEX! If you want foreplay, youd damn well better give some back. Oh, so youre gonna bitch about how youre not getting enough? Then we can just forget it entirely and go jerk off. Fact 98% of men masturbate, the other 2% are compulsive liars. Only 48% of women masturbate. Well, if youre in that 52% percent, looks like you arent going to get shit and Im going to take a nice long shower and still come back just as dirty as I was when I went in.

Oh, you want some fucking post-nut-snuggling? Then fucking earn it. Dont act like we should lie there and wait in bed while you go to the bathroom and clean up. Fuck that, Ill be outside smoking if you need me.

You want us to go down on you? Then give us some response. Dont lie there like nothings going on and then complain about it to your girlfriends the next day. Guys need instruction, and more often then not, they like to be told what to do. Dont act like we dont do anything when youre going down on us. Theres only one way to fuck a blowjob up. And if you arent biting my shit, then youre doing it right. And use some fucking hands! Christ, it doesnt feel as good if youre only going to suck on the top 3 inches and not gonna do anything about the rest. NEWS FLASH: THERES MORE COCK THERE! DONT LET IT GO TO WASTE!!!

And if I take your hand and put it on it for you, thats a hint godammit. Dont take it as a sign that Im trying to tell you how to do your job. Because when you scream for me to spank you harder, I fucking spank you harder, I dont get all pissy and say "Hey! Whos the one givin you the fuck? Me or you?". If you dont like it, expect to hear the shower running for the next 20 minutes or so.

If I put my hand on the back of your head while youre huffing my dong, it doesnt mean that I want you to go deeper. The last thing I want is someone to vomit all over my shit, so Im not going to force that on you. Its just something guys do. Girls like to complain, guys like to put their hand on your head while youre going down. It also prevents us from clapping, snapping our fingers if we get bored, and making the "touchdown" signal.

If you want to just have a makeout session, thats fine by me. Just dont get offended when the shower starts running.

You wanna bitch about swallowing? Go fuck yourself. When we go downtown, you dont hear us spitting on a towel every 5 seconds, and we damn well dont complain about it.

The reason we dont like to try any of your new shit in bed, is because your new ideas fucking suck. Unless they involve another girl or your twin sister, look for me in the shower.

You say you wanna try a threesome? Hoo-fucking-ray. You bust out this idea of picking up some guy, thats fine. I can be cool with that. He can cum in your pussy for all I care. Just take note of the fact that Im breakin out the footlong rubber fist and it looks like the front door is occupied so Im gonna have to go around back.

Oh, but you wont let me stick anything in your ass without letting you put something in mine? Fuck that, not gonna happen. The boys are the pitchers, not the girls. Oh, so now youre gonna be whiny about how I can do it to you but you cant do it to me? Thats fine, you can whine through the bathroom door and hope I can hear with the water running.

You wanna tie me up? Okay, Im leavin one hand free and my best friend gets to wait in the closet with a bat. When you hear the word "popcorn", start fuckin running. I saw Basic Instinct, I know what the fuck is up. You want me to tie you up? Kickass! Just keep in mind that this may be my one chance to cum all over your face. And Im damn well not going to pass that up.

Another thing, guys dont like wearing condoms. Oh, and you think you can make a lame comeback about how we shouldnt say that theyre tight, and you can put both hands in one? Well, have you ever put both hands in one? Its fucking tight isnt it? And my penis isnt filled with bone, so its got no support. And you cant fucking feel anything while we are in there. If I gotta wear one, there better be a damn good finish in the form of your mouth on my wang. Oh, but my pecker will taste like a condom, well you should have fucking thought about that before you made me wear one.

If you have sex with us. We ARE going to tell our friends about it within the next 24 hours, and Im going to throw in all the nasty details, epecially the part about you like to call me "daddy" and want office supplies stuck inside your snatch. Feel free to tell your friends about what we did. Just remember, youre the one that likes the feel of a cold stapler.

If the TV is on while we are goin at it, dont be suprised if you catch me watching. Especially if you wont let me put my hand on your head. Guys have this rule of thumb: keep the remote within arms length at all times. Besides, its time for the Simpsons.

And dont fucking complain if my socks are on while we are gettin it on. Its a bit hard to take them off while trying to suck on your tits. And besides, if we break eye contact, you take it as a sign that Im picturing someone else in bed.

As for the picturing someone else in bed, we probably are. Most likely its your sister, or your cute friend. But sometimes its some girl we saw at the mall who passed by. Sex after the first time with a girl is usually the same thing over and over again, which is usually why you complain that we dont "keep you in suspense" or some lame Oprah-excuse like that because we fucking used our entire repitoire on you the first night. We wanna make a good first impression. So we picture other girls to keep us entertained. Better than finding out youve been cheated on. Remember, unless they involve your twin sister, your ideas suck.

Another tip. I have balls too. And they feel just as good when you lick on them as when you lick my shaft. Remember what I said about the hand? Yeah, theres balls down there too. They may get cold, so do me a favor and put them in your mouth.

You know, sometimes we dont feel like having sex, but we still wanna blowjob. And yall will sometimes give us said blowjob. Wanna know why we ask for a blowjob when we arent in the mood? Because we dont wanna fuckin hear you bitch about us not bein in the mood. The fact that we are about to jizz in your mouth is just an added bonus because we didnt have to put up with taking time out of our day to get your clothes off you in a seductive manner.

Wanna know who invented skirts? Yeah, thats right, a fucking guy. Wanna know why? Its one less article of clothing we have to get through to get our cocks wet. We like short skirts because its even less work.

Bras? Yeah, us too. Face it, guys dont like droopy boobs. We dont like taking bras off because we are afraid of those motherfuckers dropping like bricks and deadlegging us. Gotta have a free hand to intercept.

If you know how to put a condom on with your teeth, and youre our girlfriend and not casual sex or a fling, dont fucking show us. It looks like it takes alot of practice and I dont find it appealing to know my tongue has been where 37 other guys cocks have been before me.

And dont fucking tell us what so and so or your ex boyfriend would do in bed for you before. We have no interest in it, and as far as we are concerned, we are your firsts.

Any questions?


...discuss...

[Ruinous]

Oh, and inb4 tl;dr kiddies that don't have an attention span nor intelligence sufficient to make it past the first 3 sentences.

[Falisaty]

lol to funny good read.... +1 rep

[MelxDruid]

+1 rep, very funny.

[senna]

My gf told me to do whatever I wanted tonight, so I put it in her ass.

Then she screamed at me.

Fucking bitches.

[Mcbard]

tl;dr

[Japan]

tl;dr

clearly that i don't choose slog through 3 pages of unfunny chainmail material is indicative of my lack of intelligence and attention span

[Ruinous]

Originally Posted by Japan [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

tl;dr

clearly that i don't choose slog through 3 pages of unfunny chainmail material is indicative of my lack of intelligence and attention span

Choosing to come post that it's tl;dr is, however, indicative of how terribly fucking ignorant you are. That's okay, because at least the people that have a reading comprehension over that of a 3rd grader found humor in it.

Mission accomplished, bitch.

[dredge]

I need a new Girl friend, mine doesn't even do half the things this guy is bitching about. [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

[Dravingar]

Check out my funny picture guys !