EQ humor

[tinidas]

A post a few threads back reminded me of some of the good eq related humor I'd seen. I'm sure there's a few of you who saved some too, share it! Here's a couple to start:

Q: How many Warriors does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None, Warriors aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Enchanters does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Into what?

Q: How many Magicians does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Ten. One to summon a new bulb, go link dead, and log back on with their
pet and summoned bulb gone. One to summon a new bulb, go link dead, and post on the boards that losing your summoned items on LD sucks. One to summon a new bulb and actually change the lantern bulb. One to shout: "I'll summon you a wisp. Use that instead. Please? Come on, Mage summons are useful, really!" One to post a new thread on the board that post-50 Fire Pets are underpowered. One to bump a thread titled "Abashi: I *demand* you tell us a Mage's role in a group". Four to shout to the zone: "Has anybody seen my pet?"

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Lantern? How unnatural! Besides my spells don't work indoors. Come to the
Druid circle and I'll conjure you a firefly globe.

Q: How many Rangers does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Ranger1 shouts: "51 Ranger looking for a group". Ranger2 shouts: "Paying
well for an xp res". Ranger1 shouts: "51 Ranger looking for a group". Ranger3
says out of character: "Figures that Verant cares about issues as minor as
lantern bulbs when our post-50 defense caps are so broken". Ranger1 shouts:
"51 Ranger looking for a group".

Q: How many Rogues does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Hey you! Come back here with my lantern bulb!

Q: How many Clerics does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Five. One to resurrect the lantern bulb, one to reply "sorry I can't leave
my group in Karnors to go rez you in Everfrost", one to reply "no I won't
power level you for five hours for 10pp", one to reply "yeah like your
threats of putting me on your no TP list and no SOW list scare me", and one
to go anonymous to escape from the tells.

Q: How many Necromancers does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: u 5uK n3\/\/b13 rp 1 0wN j00 n dU3l mY p3T r0x 4nD 5010 w15p 4 GLS u
t4k3 2 NK 4nD tR4d3 4 ph4t 13wt!

Q: How many ShadowKnights does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None. ShadowKnights would rather sit in the dark.

Q: How many Paladins does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: One. He changes the bulb, heals and buffs you for free, says "follow the
path of righteousness good sir and you too by the grace of Marr can earn a
Fiery Avenger to light your way both externally and internally and won't need
a lantern anymore", then says "well if Verant makes it easier to obtain our
quest books that is".

Q: How many Shamen does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: /shout Trading SOW and buffs for lantern bulb at P2!

Q: How many Bards does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: What Bards?

Q: How many Monks does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Mu.

Q: How many Wizards does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Wizard begins to cast a spell.

Q: How many melee classes does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Many. One to ask for a SOW, one to ask for a TP, one to start running
since neither of the former were forthcoming, one to die from a mob that
spawned on top of him while running, one to ask for a rez, one to actually
make it to town, one to ask for a bind, one to enter town anyway since they
couldn't get the former, one to die from a NPC in town while searching for
the lantern bulb vendor and get sent back to his bind point in another city,
one to ask for another SOW and TP for corpse recovery, one to...

Q: How many caster classes does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Go away, I'm soloing!

Q: How many High Elves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.

Q: How many Dark Elves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Don't you wish you had ultravision too like we Inkies instead of being a
blind Hummie?

Q: How many Erudites does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Erudites are above manual labor. They'd order a Barbarian to do it.

Q: How many Barbarians does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Just the one. Want to make something of it?

Q: How many Humans does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: What you mean Halflings can change lantern bulbs 10% faster? Abashi, I put all this time into a Human because I thought we got the bonus! The player's guide even says we get it! I mean we put up with being blind and having one racial language, while Halflings have infravision and hide! Abashi!

Q: How many Halflings does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Halfling auctions: WTS/WTT orobe, SSOY, ravenscale, SMR, lantern bulb,
GBS, crafted, CGB, BIBS, FBSS. Looking for high end Druid items.

Q: How many Ogres does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: One. But he requires a lot of lantern bulbs. *smash*

Q: How many Trolls does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: *burp*

Q: How many Dwarves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None. They can't reach!

Q: How many Gnomes does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: With that bald head I thought you were the lantern bulb, hee hee!

Q: How many Wood Elves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: /petition A bunch of male characters are sending me tells saying they want
to see me "change my bulbs". Make them stop!

Q: How many Iksar does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None. Iksar are KOS to all lantern bulb vendors in the game.

Q: How many newbies does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Newbie1 tells you: "sow plz". Newbie2 tells you: "Can u spare some plat
for spells?" Newbie3 tells you: "can u tp me to qeynos plz". Newbie4 tells
you: "Will u give me your cobalt bp? Come on you can get another." Newbie5
tells you: "Will you come powerlevel me plz?" Newbie6 tells you: "You mean
you're not going to help me? You suck!" Newbie7 tells you: "What are lantern
bulbs used for?" You are now anonymous.

Q: How many uberguild members does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: We killed Silverwing and all we got was this stupid lantern bulb? Abashi,
you need to look at VP drops. I mean we can get better loot in lguk!

Q: How many Abashi sock puppets does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Sorry, lantern bulbs are working as intended. Your flames are not
appreciated.

Q: How many Brads does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Sorry, we consider lantern bulbs balanced.

Q: How many Verant customer service representatives does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: The lantern bulb here is working. It must be your ISP.

Q: How many Verant testers does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Huh? The light's out?

Q: How many GM's does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Hello! GM foobar here. I'm sorry, I didn't see the lantern bulb burn out
so can't help you. You have received a warning on your account. If you don't
stop harassing me you will be banned. Have a nice day!

[tinidas]

a view from the otherside

[tinidas]

THE RANGER THEME SONG
(To the tune of Stayin Alive)

(disco instrumental... naked ranger on corpse retrieval strutting down the pier in Fironia Vie)

Well, you can tell by the way my hitpoints go,
I'm a ranger man: AC's too low.
Blade is sharp and shield is worn.
I've been tankin' mobs since I was born.
And now it's all right - it's okay.
And I may snare and run away.
You can try - to understand - why mobs only hit ranger man.
If you are in danger and if you're not a ranger,
You're stayin alive, stayin' alive.
Feel my bones a-breakin' and my ivy helm a-shakin'
and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIVE... yeah!

Well now, I get spanked or I get beat
But if I don't get either it's really neat.
Got low delay blades in each fist
I'm a dual-wield man - and I get mobs pissed.
You know it's all right, it's okay.
I'll get my corpse another day.
You can try - to understand - why you chain-heal ranger man.
If you are in danger and if you're not a ranger,
You're stayin alive, stayin' alive.
Feel my bones a-breakin' and my ivy helm a-shakin'
and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIVE... yeah!

Life goin' quickly. Somebody heal me.
Somebody heal me, yeah.
Life goin' quickly. Somebody heal me, yeah.
Stayin' Alive --- (to beginning and fade... Well, you can tell.... )

DL the MP3, and sing along, it fits perfectly.

[Overcast]

Ahh, yes the Denny's one..

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
You have entered Denny's.
You say, 'Hail Denny's hostess'
Denny's hostess says 'Hello, Ryasis. Welcome to Denny's. [Smoking] or [non-smoking]?'
You say, 'non-smoking'
You say, 'I would like non-smoking please'
You say, 'what about non-smoking'
Denny's hostess says 'Right this way, please.'
You are out of food and drink.
Erlen shouts, 'has anyone seen the waiter?'
Daegarmo shouts, 'no and ive been camping him for a half hour'
You are out of food and drink.
Ester shouts, 'I see him'
Erlen shouts, 'dont kill him, i still have to do the order quest'
You are hungry.
You are thirsty.
You are out of food and drink.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello, Ryasis. You look like you could use some [coffee]'
You say, 'Yes I'll have some coffee'
You say, 'what about coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, excellent! We have [regular] and [decaf].'
You say, 'I will have some decaf'
You say, 'what about decaf'
You say, 'what about decaffeinated coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'I expected nothing less of you. Here, take this.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Juan Valdez got better
You drink your coffee.
You were hit by non-melee for 39 dmg
YOU are burning!
You shout, 'Ow hehe this coffee's hot'
Kyrani shouts, 'Haha u sux0r'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Annoying kid says 'Pikachuuuuuu'
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid hits YOU for 3 points of damage.
Auto-attack on.
You hit Annoying kid for 17 points of damage.
You hit Annoying kid for 22 points of damage.
You have slain Annoying kid!
Your faction standing with Disciplineless Mothers got worse
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got better
Your faction standing with The World at Large got better
Annoying kid's corpse0 says 'My mother will avenge my death!'
You receive 3 copper as your split.
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Disciplineless mother says 'Your actions and history are a personal affront to all I stand for.'
Disciplineless mother begins casting a spell.
Disciplineless mother pet is enveloped in flames.
Off-duty police officer says 'Hey! No pets in the building!'
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 18 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 287 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 234 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer kicks Disciplineless mother for 27 points of damage.
Disciplineless mother is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 12 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother pet for 262 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer was burned.
Disciplineless mother pet is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Off-duty police officer says 'Let this be a lesson, that none can withstand the wrath of the San Diego Department of Public Safety.'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Can I get you some more [coffee]?'
You say, 'No, I want to place my order'
You say, 'Can I place my order?'
You say, 'Let me place my order dammit!'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, would you like to try our [Grand Slam Breakfast]?'
You say, 'I will have the grand slam breakfast'
Denny's waiter says 'How would you like your [eggs]?'
You say, 'scrambled'
You say, 'I would like them scrambled'
You say, 'what about eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'You can have [scrambled eggs] or [fried eggs].'
You say, 'I will have scrambled eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'Excellent, would you like anything to drink? Some [orange juice], perhaps?'
You say, 'I will have orange juice'
You say, 'what about orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Our orange juice is fresh squeezed from concentrate.'
You say, 'give me orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, I'll be right back with your orange juice.'
You gain experience!
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Gordon shouts, 'Attention, your bacon is now raw, because fully-cooked bacon lacks the inherent risks associated with our Vision of Bacon.'
Valshire shouts, 'Wait a minute, this bacon hasn't been cooked for months'
Gordon shouts, 'Uhh... yes it has.'
Tunso shouts, 'You kidding? We've been complaining about this stuff being raw for ages'
Gordon shouts, 'Uh, whatever.'
Gordon shouts, 'Oh.'
Gordon shouts, 'uh.... I've just been informed that the bacon has been raw for several months now, but we were unable to determine this until we fixed a bug with the pancakes, which were previously large enough to obscure the bacon.'
Gordon shouts, '... Oh, yeah, we nerfed your pancakes too.'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Ryasis.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got worse
Scrambled eggs looks at you threateningly - what would you like your tombstone to say?
You taste your eggs.
You are chilled to the bone.
You shout, 'oh man my eggs are cold'
Tunso shouts, 'petition a manager then'
You petition, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
Raynara shouts, 'Ack train to restroom!!!'
Aikbach says, 'Cailleach, I still can't believe you can eat this stuff'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Cailleach.'
Cailleach begins to cast a spell.
Cailleach is protected from poison.
Cailleach says, 'I always come prepared'
You shout, 'Man, where's the manager'
Kyrani shouts, 'Haha u pteitond a managr u sux0r'
Napoca tells you, 'Greetings, Ryasis, I am Napoca, the Denny's manager. How can I assist you?'
You tell Napoca, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
Napoca tells you, 'I will be with you as soon as possible, please stay patient'
You sip your coffee.
A cool breeze slips through your mind.
Napoca says, 'Greetings, Ryasis. Are your eggs still cold?'
You say, 'yes'
Napoca begins to cast a spell.
Scrambled eggs burst into flame.
Napoca says, 'Take care'
Elionia says, 'Ack, I don't feel so well'
Elionia begins to cast a spell.
Alka-Seltzer staggers.
Elionia staggers.
Elionia beams a smile at Alka-Seltzer.
Elionia says, 'Ahhh, I feel much better now...'
Denny's waiter says 'Here, let me clear that away for you.'
You say, 'Hey, wait, that's my food, I'm not done yet....'
You shout, 'Hey, this waiter took my food'
Erlen shouts, 'Yep, they do that sometimes if you let your food sit there'
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello there, Ryasis, how can I help you?'
You say, 'Check please'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, here you go.'
You gain experience!
You say, 'Hail Denny's cashier'
Denny's cashier says 'Hello there, would you like to pay your [check]?'
You say, 'Yes I want to pay my check'
You say, 'what about my check'
Denny's cashier says 'You must give me the check before I can reveal more to you.'
Denny's cashier says 'Ah, excellent! Would you like to know your [total]?'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Cashiers got better
You say, 'what is my total'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper. Will you be paying with a [MasterCard]?'
You say, 'yes I will use a mastercard'
Denny's cashier says 'Unfortunately your MasterCard is over-limit. Would you prefer to pay with [cash]?'
Your faction standing with MasterCard got worse
Your faction standing with Cheesy-Ass High-Interest-Rate Credit Card Companies got better
You say, 'yes I will pay with cash'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper then.'
You gain experience!
You receive 2 silver.
You receive 1 copper.
Denny's waiter says 'You have stiffed me on my tip for the last time!'
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 217 points of damage!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 204 points of damage!
Denny's waiter hits YOU for 226 points of damage!
Denny's waiter tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Denny's waiter bashes YOU for 74 points of damage!
You are stunned.
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 189 points of damage!
You are bleeding to death!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 221 points of damage!
You have been slain by Denny's waiter!
You are no longer stunned.
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...

[Overcast]

And I found it... of course... The Quon.

Quon on the classes - part 1
The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.

As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I'm dropping the first in a series of definitive class breakdowns.

Bards - Band geeks who's natural defense involves a drum and blurry feet. Sounds like the wet dream of half of VI's geek ass dev team. On the aesthetic tip, The Quon digs the female bard in a big way, not a dog race in the bunch. As a class though, they have one of the worst naming track records in the game. Seriously..Notes, Chords, Melody, and such shit. C'mon, if I see one more Bard with some name like Halfnote McSongandDance or Minstril St.PolkaSinger, The Quon's gonna SL the whole class just on general principle. Not like that would matter much. When's the last time anyone actually hunted with a Bard anyway? I catch Mana Song whiffs every now and then around the nexus or in the GY's in PoP, but The Quon sure as shit never groups with one. I'm guessing there's a Swarm Kiting zone out there where they follow each other around in a clockwise circle jerk for xp. Fun. But I miss them, if only cause I want to bust out my old hot key, "Play mana song and rub my feet."

The Quon's general heal strategy for Bards: Hit 'em with a Celestial periodically as a gesture of good will, and if they insist on selfishly requiring the MCs valuable mana I wait until they're at 40% and i send them a /tell to "run!!". Then I giggle my ass off.

Beastlords - The Quon can count with his nuts the number of times he's grouped with these aberrations. But it seems like every fourth rez request is from one of these freaks who's all like "I need your help". If they pays, The Quon plays. Beastlords are another class dangerously close to mass Shit Listing based on having the most stupid names per capita. Petme SoftPuss, Catank, Tigerlily Growlinflower, WTF? The only way someone would invite a name like that to a group is if the group leaders were Seigfried and his man-toy Roy.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Beastlords: After I rez one, Celestial usually does the trick. In group? Who the fuck knows?


Druid -
Nature luvin piss ants. If you really want to keep Norrath beautiful, bring along a shovel to pick up after my horse while you wait for someone to call EVAC. Druids are the exiled pimp class of the nation. Never has a class had it so good for so long. And never has a class taken the pipe so deep and so hard and deserved it so much as these assclowns did. Druids are so out of style now I half expect to see them sporting Mullets and Parachute pants. Hell, the only worthwhile port a Druid can do now is for himself, back to a time when his shitcan class was relevent and fun. And Druids...listen up. Don't over-write The Quons buffs. Don't try to drop your second rate CH in front of me. It's just embarrassing. And more than a little sad. On a different note The Quon has a question. Why does it seem like droods can't even wipe their asses unless Tunare tells them too...it's always "By Tunares will this" and "By Tunares might that". By Tunares mouth they toss The Quon's salad... it's all holy roleplaying until they're gargling The Quon's 'SoW potion' in the back alleys of Shadowhaven.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Druids: None. Your heal's the shizz? Then use it on yourself.


Enchanter - I suggest that SOE make chanters start out at level 60 with KEI already memmed in their spellbooks. Prior to lvl 60 your only duty is to wear a skirt and look pretty. Even after 60 there is no need for you to be in a group, just cast KEI on us and beat it, go make some earrings or sit in the corner and whine about being useless. Maybe if your nukes had more punch than a snowball in summer I'd let you group with me, or if your pet could find it's own ass with a map and a ranger tracking for it. No shit, those animations should come with head gear and a Power Ranger backpack. Lastly, If you are a male and playing an enchanter delete that pansie ass toon right now, WTF were you thinking? All the Charisma points in the world won't make me like these asshats.

The Quon's general heal strategy for enchanters: None. It's like trying to grab a piece of toilet paper as it's swirling down the Crappa. If they can't "bedazzle" their way out of trouble then pfuck 'em and their short bus pets.


Magicians - All Mage's should line up in the hallways of Nexus like condom machines in a bathroom. To be truly useful to the Quon you will need to be able to summon the following: A Woodelf Honie with chest guns the size of West Karana, a stripper pole, a phat pile of dollar bills, and a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull 40's. The problem with these Mages is that The Quon has to ask for the shit. The instant The Quon joins a group with a Mage, he should be seeing a trade window with all the stuff that is of benefit to The Quon. Does the Quon look like a Mage to you? NO! How the phuck am I supposed to know what you have to offer? Show the Quon, dazzle him. Or else, just summon a spoon and eat the Quon's ass.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Magicians: Let's be real, The Quon watches the little green bar under the Mage's closer than he watches the Mage's. Yo, if the pet would stick around after a Mage died the Quon wouldn't even bother with a Rez.


Rangers - This one is just too easy, the Quon almost feels guilty rippin on Rangers. No matter what the Quon says about Rangers its been said before. No class has more emotional and physical scarring than the Ranger, the only choice is for The Quon to settle for picking open your scabs. Let's get real, Ranagers are the only class that could save considerable play time by creating a /consent Hot Key. Rangers should get an AA ability that would automatically spawn their corpse at the groups camp, would save everyone some friggin time. The Quon does group with Rangers though from time to time cause its wicked funny when one of their stray arrows catches a Druid in the eye. It's also funny to watch when it starts to rain or something and the Ranger loses HP's. It's like hunting with Bubble Boy. Female Ranger? Make yourself useful by foraging up a condom so the Quon can get his freak on, awwwww yeaaa. Male Ranger? Forage up a pair of pretty pink panties and put them on so it's easier for the Warrior to find your corpse, cause you know you'll get beat down too fast to get a /loc.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Rangers: Open spellbook, look waaaaay in the back for Greater Heal. That's all The Quon is willing to commit. Sometimes though, when The Quon has been getting his drink on, he'll toss The Big Heal Bomb on a Ranger for shits and giggles. And while I do it I scream in both group and say, "Who's a big boy?...Who's a big boy???". Sadly enough though, to get the Big Heal Bomb to land in time, The Quon has to start casting the night before.


Quon out

[Overcast]

Part 2:

The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.

As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I'm busting down the second in a series of definitive class breakdowns.


Paladin - Self proclaimed "Holy Warriors" of EQ. First off, these 2nd class meat shields have the sweetest scam in the whole game short of the whole "Rez in my pocket" thing. Lay Hands is mad brilliant. "Hey, get your hands off my tits!" "Awww girl, I've gotta touch ya to heal ya."
The problems start when they do that shit to everyone. Male, Female, Ranger, whatever. For that reason, if there was a big ass shower in EQ and we all had to clean off after fights like it was gym class and shit, The Quon sure as hell would have his soap on a motha phuckin rope around The Paladin. It's all Truth, Honor, Integrity and shit until some young half elf exposes the Brown Eye, then its like a prison movie. Don't be all like "But The Quon, I'm really not gay, you're just looking a little under the weather, let me rub it better..." I swear to god if you ever inspect my equip, I'm gonna light your shit up, Yo. Oh, and if the shiat really hits the proverbial fan and The Quon looks like he may die, don't even THINK about Lay On Hands for The Quon. You'll just get a fist full of Divine Aura to grind up on.

The Quon's healing strategy for Paladins: The Quon keeps these phucks alive, he just does it from a distance.

Rogue - The Quon has an uber Bracer of the Hidden just for See Invis cause these mutherphuckers will sneak up on you like a yeasty queef in the night. They'll poke those tiny fingers up under your nose and shit and be all like "smell that". The Quon don't fall for that shit, he knows you stick your fingers up that Orc's ass while you're trying to pickpocket. And The Quon knows it ain't no accident. When The Quon was younger and newer to the ways of EQ love, he hooked up with this Halfling Rogue chick. She was mad nutty and had hands like one of those little diaper wearing helper monkeys. We got to it and she was all over The Quon, talking nasty in that secret Thief language about some shit The Quon didn't care about and sticking her fingers in every opening The Quon has. The Quon was hella turned on until she put her finger in his mouth. The Quon is dry heaving now thinking about. Plus it's a motha phuckin fact that they don't take care of their cha cha's if you get The Quons meaning.
Any time a rogue is in The Quon's group he send them a /tell right off, "Yo asspoker, if you want healed after you take a beatin because you can't control your own aggro you best be splittin that Pickpocket money with The Quon, 50/50 biatch. That doesn't include the DoT money you owe me either." Respect.
The Quon also likes to dog them about their poisons. "So you dropped mad cash and farmed green mobs for weeks to hit that mob with a 300 hp dot? Whoops, The Quon accidentally cast Sound of Force...220 damage and a stun for next to no mana, whoops, just did it again." Pwnd.

The Quon's healing strategy for rogues: Evade motha phucka. If the rogue has forked over phat platz then they will get a celestial here and there as needed, if not they better have a piercer that summons bandaids and shit.

Shadowknight - Not quite a Warrior and not quite a Necro. More often than not The Quon gets to group with the one who's gotten the Warriors brains and the Necros hp's. WTF? Transvestites have less of an identity crisis. Don't even try to play like you didn't choose a SK because you thought it had a "cool" name.
Every time The Quon sees a SK he wants to bust a cap in their ass. SK's should come in 12 packs cause they are about as useful as a busted condom once they've spent their HT load. The Quon could watch for the Harm Touch message and then be all like "NEXT!" and cycle those dozen candy asses through the group with mad haste. The 11 not in the group could entertain The Quon by /oocing words of amazement at eveything The Quon does..."Damn, The Quon can heal like a motha"..."Damn that's some good sitting", or making sure nothing is in The Quon's way when he trains the zone out.
Did you know that Knights have pets ? /boggle. That gimped animation has to /kneel before enchanter pets. I guess SOE gave them pity pets cause they knew a SK would never get a group. Seriously, have you ever seen a SK that didn't have LFG next to their name? For the longest time The Quon thought LFG was some kinda weird SK only guild. One of The Quon's favorite games is inviting a SK to the group, especially when he is somewhere remote like Sebilis and shit. They ALWAYS come, tails waggin and shit. When they finally arrive I'm like "dude, sorry, The Quon thought you were a warrior." After they calm down The Quon's all like "Do you have 11 friends?"

The Quon's healing strategy for ShadowKnights: If they fool The Quon and act like a Warrior they get The Big Heal Bomb. If at any time they do anything that clues The Quon in, it's Celestials all freakin night.

Warrior - Charter members of The Purple Club. When The Quon dreams at night it's mostly about Wood Elf bangtail, but every now and then, The Quon has a nice dream about a phat Barbarian Chick Warrior with chest guns like throwing boulders all walking like she's got two Halflings grappling to the death in her kilt, cold rocking 7,500 solid HP's and AC like The Quons SAT's (All 1500 and shit...yeahhh),and more Taunt than my drunk uncle on Thanksgiving. She does the purple dance on every single pull and is healed for 7,490 hp's every time. The Quon says "fetch" and she's off like a shot. The Quon says "ouch" and she's got him in her arms nestled all snug up in her grill like The Quon was a baby again and shit. The Quon says kill and she goes all bitchcakes on whatever The Quon wants dead. But that's a phucking dream and The Quon knows it.

The reality is that most warriors have got 5 brain cells and 4 of those are fighting over which one gets to beat the shit out the other 1, who's giggling, drooling and playing with himself over in the corner. When one of The Quons in-bred cousins stays over and begs The Quon to let him try EQ, what class does The Quon make him play? You know it. The Quons all like "put down the banjo and walk over to that orc and hit that button. Do that FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Boooya, now you're Cletus, Champion of Norrath, biatch."

The Quons healing strategy for Warriors: No hating here. The Big Heal Bomb was made for this shit. But you'd better come correct with the equipment. Don't make The Quon feel like he's over healing. Cause The Quon has no qualms about busting out Supernal Elixir on your ass and broadcasting his heal message to the whole zone AND your guild boss. "Supernal Elixir for this weak ass 62 Warrior cause The Big Heal Bomb is a phucking waste..."

[scecie]

Denny's and Quon made my day. tyvm =)

[Aarone]

Quuuuoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE RANGER THEME SONG
(To the tune of Stayin Alive)

(disco instrumental... naked ranger on corpse retrieval strutting down the pier in Fironia Vie)

Well, you can tell by the way my hitpoints go,
I'm a ranger man: AC's too low.
Blade is sharp and shield is worn.
I've been tankin' mobs since I was born.
And now it's all right - it's okay.
And I may snare and run away.
You can try - to understand - why mobs only hit ranger man.
If you are in danger and if you're not a ranger,
You're stayin alive, stayin' alive.
Feel my bones a-breakin' and my ivy helm a-shakin'
and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIVE... yeah!

Well now, I get spanked or I get beat
But if I don't get either it's really neat.
Got low delay blades in each fist
I'm a dual-wield man - and I get mobs pissed.
You know it's all right, it's okay.
I'll get my corpse another day.
You can try - to understand - why you chain-heal ranger man.
If you are in danger and if you're not a ranger,
You're stayin alive, stayin' alive.
Feel my bones a-breakin' and my ivy helm a-shakin'
and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIVE... yeah!

Life goin' quickly. Somebody heal me.
Somebody heal me, yeah.
Life goin' quickly. Somebody heal me, yeah.
Stayin' Alive --- (to beginning and fade... Well, you can tell.... )

DL the MP3, and sing along, it fits perfectly.

Fun trivia: I wrote this. Glad to see it's still around. I have the 7 or 8 others I wrote too, I'll get around to posting them.

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE RANGER THEME SONG (2)
(Sing to the tune of "I Want You To Want Me", by Cheap Trick)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

I want you to heal me.
I need you to heal me.
I'd love you to heal me.
I'm beggin' you to heal me.

I want you to heal me.
I need you to heal me.
I'd love you to heal me.
I'll give up the dual-wield swords, put on some AC buffs.
I'll stop tauntin those mobs
If you say
That you'll heal me.

Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Takin' all the hits and still aggro, you know I feel like cryin'.
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?

I want you to rez me.
I need you to rez me.
I'd love you to rez me.
I'm beggin' you to rez me.
I'll give up the dual-wield swords, put on some AC buffs.
I'll stop tauntin those mobs
If you say
That you'll rez me.

Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Takin' all the hits and still aggro, you know I feel like cryin'.
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Takin' all the hits and still aggro, you know I feel like cryin'.
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?

I want you to heal me.
I need you to heal me.
I'd love you to heal me.
I'm beggin' you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE WARRIOR THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "For Those About to Rock", by AC/DC)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

We raid tonight
Much to my delight
Yeah, yeah... oh

Stand up and cast aego
Hit points we are about to receive
You are the casters
You'll buff us with everything we need
Hail, hail, to the shadowknights
Defensive has got the right of way
We ain't no rangers, ain't no rogues
We're tankin' to save the day

For those about to tank, we salute you
For those about to tank, we salute you

We tank the gods on the front line
Like a wall between them and you
The zone's a-light with the uber fight
Clerics chain complete heal tonight

For those about to tank, we salute you
For those about to tank, we salute you
For those about to tank, we salute you
Yes we do
For those about to tank, we salute you

Oooh, salute!
Oooh, ooooh yeah

I'm just a warrior for hire, and my health bar's a-fire
Taking flurry hits for you
Pick up your arrows, and load up your quiver
For a twenty-one bow salute

For those about to tank - fire
We salute you
For those about to tank, we salute you
Those about to tank - fire
We salute you
Fire
We salute you
We salute you
Come on, whooa
For those about to tank, we salute you (x4)

Shoot, shoot (x2)

For those of you, for those who tank
Yeah

We salute you (x3)

Fire

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE ENCHANTER THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Every Thing I Do", by Bryan Adams)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Look at all your buffs - you will see
A fresh, new clar-it-y.
Search your yard - search your home
And you'll find me cast-ing Illusion: Gnome.

Don't tell me... twelve mobs aren't worth tryin' for
You can't tell me... grup's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I mez - I mez them for you

Look at all your buffs - you will find
Shissar now stacks as designed
Buff me as I am - watch my life
I will mez it all - my mana sacrificed

Don't tell me... loot's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I mez - I mez them for you

There's no pulls - like Ronne's pulls
And no other - could yield more pulls
Mobs no-where - unless Ronne's there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me... full spawn's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would slow for you - I'd run for you
Charm a krup for you - I'd AE stun for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I mez - I mez them for you

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE CLERIC THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Danger Zone", by Kenny Loggins)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Loggin' on my cleric
Listen to your ranger's appeal
Health bar under tension
Beggin' me to chain-cast Heal

Highway to the Ranger Zone
Right into the Ranger Zone

Fightin' until twilight
Usin' up my mana tonight
You got me sittin' on my butt
And meddin' into overdrive

Highway to the Ranger Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Ranger Zone

I'll never give a rez to you
Until you drag your ivy etched corpse to me
I'll never know what you can do
Until your AC's as high as it should be

Out among the tanks
Always where you yearn to be
The quicker on the taunt
The clearer your stu-pid-i-ty

Highway to the Ranger Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Ranger Zone

Highway to the Ranger Zone

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE WIZARD THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "In The End", by Linkin Park)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

It starts with
One thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard I try
I can't get a group
So I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Mana's a valuable thing
Watch it fly by with the fireballs I fling
Watch it increase by the end of the day
Mobs tick life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch mana go right out the window
Trying to harvest, but didn't even know
Wasted it all and now I've got aggro

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
To get a group
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
My mana falls
When I nuke it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing
I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard wizards try,
They can't get a group
I designed this rhyme
to remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Demanding ports like I was your own taxi
Remembering all the times you fought with me
You're surprised Toxx is so (far)

Things aren't the way they were before
I can't even do decent damage anymore
Not that I could nuke back then
Without aggroing mobs on me (in the end)

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
To get a group
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
My mana falls
When I nuke it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I’ve translocated you
Ported as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing
Al'Kabor should know

I’ve translocated you
Ported as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing
Al'Kabor should know

I tried so hard
To get a group
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
My mana falls
When I nuke it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I tried so hard
To get a group
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
My mana falls
When I nuke it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE DRUID THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Smooth Criminal", re-done by Alien Ant Farm)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

As he came in thru the port ring
It was the sound of a wolf thing
He came into her camp site
He snared the orc pawns, gonna quad-kite.
She called GMs while she was able
Quick response, what a fable.
So she ran to the next mob
It was snared too, t'was a quad job.

Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
You ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
Are you ok newbie?

Newbie are you ok?
Will you tell us that you're ok?
There's a sign at the three-spawn
That he killstealed
All your orc pawns, newbie
He came into your camp site
He snared the orc pawns, gonna quad-kite.
Then you ran to the next mob
It was snared too
T'was a quad job.

Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
You ok, newbie?
You've been hit by
You've been screwed by -
a druid criminal.

So he kited through orc highway
It was Sunday
What a black day
No GM resolution
Stealing orc pawns
Bad intentions

Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
You ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
Are you ok newbie?

Newbie are you ok?
Will you tell us that you're ok?
There's a sign at the three-spawn
That he killstealed
All your orc pawns, newbie
He came into your camp site
He snared the orc pawns, gonna quad-kite.
Then you ran to the next mob
It was snared too
T'was a quad job.

Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
You ok, newbie?
You've been hit by
Fuckin KS'd by -
a druid criminal.

Newbie are you ok?
Will you tell us that you're ok?
There's a sign at the three-spawn
That he killstealed
All your orc pawns, newbie
He came into your camp site
He snared the orc pawns, gonna quad-kite.
Then you ran to the next mob
It was snared too
T'was a quad job.

Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
You ok, newbie?
Newbie, are you ok?
You ok?
Are you ok newbie?

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE SHADOWKNIGHT THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Mr. Tinkertrain", by Ozzy Osbourne)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Would you like some harm touch little newb?
Come a little closer
I'm gonna show you high level mobs tonight
I've got a cloud spell full of bad disease
Ready made just for aggro-ing
Once I'm there I'm gonna feign death mobs on you.

I've got a one way ticket
To train you to the other side
I got a one way ticket
So turn around and don't you hide
They call me Mr. Karnor's Train
That's how I got to get my name
They call me Mr. Karnor's Train
So come along and play my game
Your XP will never be the same

Leave dog tower and turn out the lights
Got Inno's Curse; I'm a shadowknight
A level 60 playing on Xegony
I've got the kind of mobs you've never seen
Red con and a bit too mean
Little newbie turn and try to run away from me

I've got a one way ticket
To train you to the other side
I got a one way ticket
So turn around and don't you hide
They call me Mr. Karnor's Train
That's how I got to get my name
They call me Mr. Karnor's Train
So come along and play my game
Your XP will never be the same

Mr. Karnor's Train
Never be the same
Mr. Karnor's Train
Can you say Mr. Karnor's Train?

No use crying 'cause you can't zone out
Now you're here to stay
You can't run, you can't hide
You can't survive all the mobs inside

Mr. Karnor's Train
That's how I got to get my name
They call me Mr. Karnor's Train
So come along and play my game
That's why they call me Mr. Karnor's Train
That's why they call me Mr. Karnor's Train

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE NEWBIE BEGGAR THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "What About Me?", by Moving Pictures)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Well there's a little newb waiting at the counter of the Freeport bank
He's been waiting down there, begging half the zone,
They never ever give him what he wants
He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground,
He gets to his feet and he says...

"Whut abowt me???!?!? It iznt fair!!!1!
I haev no thingz, now I wnat my shair!@
Don't u have
Some plat 4 me????
But u wont giev me thingz 4 free!1! =("

Well there's a halfling newb begging at the counter of the Bazaar shop
She's been waiting back there, asking for free things,
Ubers walk in and out, they never stop
Well, she's not too proud, to beg out loud
She runs to the zone and she screams...

"Whut abowt me???!?!? It iznt fair!!!1!
I haev no thingz, now I wnat my shair!@
Don't u have
Some plat 4 me????
But u wont giev me thingz 4 free!1! =("

"Whut abowt me???"

Take a step back and see the little newbies
They might be twinks
But they're the ones that make the high levels cringe.
So train them, as they whisper:
"Whut abowt me??!!!!!1!!!!~!?"

And now I'm standing on the zoneline
All the mobs gone home
No newbies escaped, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I raid a lot
But sometimes I wish for more loot... than I've got...

"Whut abowt me???!?!? It iznt fair!!!1!
I haev no thingz, now I wnat my shair!@
Don't u have
Some plat 4 me????
Cuz u wont giev me...
U wont giev me...
U wont giev me thingz 4 free!1! =("

"Whut abowt me??!!!!!!~!?"

"Waht abuot me??1@"

"Wut abot me?!! ,,|,,"

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE CYBER THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Travellin' Soldier", by the Dixie Chicks)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Two levels past eighteen
He was waitin' for the raid in his ivy greens
Sat down on a stool at a tavern there
Gave his order to the girl with the blonde elven hair
He's a little twinked so she gave him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And cyberin' me I'm feelin' a little low
She said I'm loggin' in an hour but I know where we can go

So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you're really a guy but I don't care
I've got no one to send naughty /tells to
Would you mind if I sent some back here to you?

CHORUS:
I cried
Never gonna talk like that to another guy
They told her he's always in danger
Waitin' for love from a cyberin' ranger
Cybers him in /tells all day
Waitin' for him to come back from /AFK
Never more to be alone
When the wizards say the ranger's porting home

So the /replies came
From a dungeon zone
In Castle Mistmoore then Naggy's home
And he told her of his guild
It might be leet
And all of his gear that was pretty neat
Said when it's gettin kinda tough over here
I think about that day sittin' down at the pier
And close my eyes and see your dirty /tells
Don't worry but I won't be able to raid very well

CHORUS

(Instrumental)

One Friday night at a GM event
The uber guilds won and the newbies got bent
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For the list of local dragon raid dead
Cryin' all alone at the orc spawn
Was a third level wood elf killing all the pawns
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with her blonde elven hair

CHORUS

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE RANGER THEME SONG (3)
(Sing to the tune of "Send Me An Angel", by Scorpions)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Raid leader said just walk this way
To the end of the zone
The AE blows into your face
As shit resists get you owned.
Hear his voice within /raidsay
Shammies called to cast slow.
Use Eagle Eye and then you may
Find line of sight for your bow.

Here I am
Will you send me a ranger?
Here I am
In the land of the planar zones.

Raid leader said just find your place
In the Plane of the Storms
Must you tank along the way
Just cast shield of the thorns

Here I am
Will you send me a ranger?
Here I am
In the land of the planar zones.

Raid leader said just raise your bow
And send tells for buff spells
Aim for the head of your foe
Just believe in yourself
Hear your voice within /raidsay
"Please stop walling the mob!"
Disc Trueshot and then you may
Let the rangers finish the job.

Here I am
Will you send me a ranger?
Here I am
In the land of the planar zones.
Here I am
Will you send me a ranger?
Here I am
In the land of the planar zones.

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE NECROMANCER THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Crawling", by Linkin Park)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP is unreal

There's something on my pet, I pull it to the zoneline
Aggroing... and owning
This lack of red con mobs to fear is never-ending
Spawnstealing... I can't seem

To find bone chips again
The newbs are closing in
{Without a sense of uberness and I'm convinced
that they're just begging for me to train}
I own this camp for sure
Ne-cro-man-cer!

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP is unreal

Newbie monk incoming has pulled his mobs upon me
Death feigning... and training
Before I die I gate back to Nektulous Forest
It's haunting... how I can't seem

To find bone chips again
The newbs are closing in
{Without a sense of uberness and I'm convinced
that they're just begging for me to train}
I own this camp for sure
Ne-cro-man-cer!

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP is unreal

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP... the XP is unreal!

The XP is unreal!

The XP is unreal!

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE EBAY THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "All the Things She Said", by T.a.T.u.)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
Getting our group slain!
All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
All the mobs you train!
Heals are not enough!

We're in serious shit. We are totally screwed.
And we're /yelling for help, no evaccing druid.
Grouping with you has opened my eyes.
Could I ever believe such a ebay surprise?
I keep asking myself, wondering how?
They keep wanting you gone, but I can't boot you out.
Wanna port to a zone where it's just me and you?
Nobody else, cause I'm ebay too!
[Nobody else, cause I'm ebay too!]

All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
Getting our group slain!
All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
All the mobs you train!
Heals are not enough!
[Heals are not enough!]

And you're all twinked out, feeling uber and such.
The trains are your fault, but I want you so much.
Wanna fly you away where the merchants will sell.
And stop off at the bank, to buy all your spells.
When they point and laugh - don't insult or bash.
Cause I'm buying for you, what you ebayed for cash.
I can try to forget, I can try to pretend,
But it's making me broke, all this money I lend!

All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
Getting our group slain!
All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
All the mobs you train!
Heals are not enough!
[Heals are not enough!]

Cleric looking at me.
Tell me, what's your HP?
Yes, I've lost my mind!

Chanter looking at me.
Mobs pulled? Seventy-three.
Where is the zoneline?!

All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
Getting our group slain!
All the mobs you train. All the mobs you train.
Getting our group slain. Getting our group slain.
All the mobs you train!
Heals are not enough!
[Heals are not enough!]

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE DRUID THEME SONG (2)
(Sing to the tune of "All You Wanted", by Michelle Branch)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

I wanted
To teleport you
I wanted
You in my group
So I tried
To invite you
And I got brushed away

I didn't know that
You were so broke and
You needed someone
To show you the way
So I asked for plat and
I figured out that
When the plat comes
I'd port you away

If you want to
I can port you
I can take you
Away from here
No money for me?
Then you can stay there
And all you needed was
Some plat you could spare

I'm casting slowly
The way druids showed me
Your plat is all I need
To keep me casting on
Please can you trade me
So I can finally see
If your plat's really gone

If you want to
I can port you
I can take you
Away from here
No money for me?
Then you can stay there
And all you needed was
Some plat you could spare

All you needed was some plat you could spare
If you have some you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

If you want to
I can port you
I can take you
Away from here
No money for me?
Then you can stay there
And all you needed was
Some plat you could spare

Please can you trade me
So I can finally see
If your plat's really gone

[YendorLootmonkey]

THE MONK THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Milkshake", by Kelis)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

My bad pulls train all the mobs to the yard
And their like we better zone those
Damn right you better zone those
We could rez you
But we'd have to charge

My bad pulls train all the mobs to the yard
And their like we better zone those
Damn right you better zone those
We could rez you
But we'd have to charge

I know you want them
The trains that make me
What the zone goes crazy for
They lose their lives
The way I run
I think it's fun

La,La,La,La,La
Failed feign death
La,La,La,La,La
The newbs are waiting
La,la,La,La,La
Lousy pull
La,La,La,La,La
Spellcasters gating

My bad pulls train all the mobs to the yard
And their like we better zone those
Damn right you better zone those
We could rez you
But we'd have to charge

My bad pulls train all the mobs to the yard
And their like we better zone those
Damn right you better zone those
We could rez you
But we'd have to charge

I see your on it
You want me to teach the
Techniques that aggro mobs
It can't be bought
AFK get caught
Zone if your smart

La,La,La,La,La
Failed feign death
La,La,La,La,La
The newbs are waiting

[Mady]

Skater Gnome was always one of my favorites. I think they were posted much earlier in another thread.

*Edit:

Yeah, here it is http://www.project1999.org/forums/showthread.php?t=8859&highlight=Skater+Gnome

[Freshpro_]

This is not funny

[tinidas]

went looking for Nizzmo2k (http://eqvids.com/Flash/nizzmo2k/nizzmo2k.htm), found it and a few other funny vids at the root site eqvids.com/ (http://eqvids.com/). keep the funny coming!

[firesyde424]

Theres always the ever popular Chain CH (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wEHZ0e4-1w) Although, the music to that video is different from the one I remember which had music from the Matrix sound track.

And of course, Has anybody here seen my corpse (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKDkvy9sKuY)

[Yoite]

Yendor i liked your wizard theme song a lot hehe, i liked most of the others too but that one really made me chuckle.

[h0tr0d (shaere)]

good stuff, but it should be, how many wizards does it take to change a light bulb. Who knows, theyre always afk.

[StinkyGreenBud]

Yendor i liked your wizard theme song a lot hehe, i liked most of the others too but that one really made me chuckle.


Wouldn't of been so bad if it didn't involve that shitty fucking band.

[Overcast]

http://quon91516.yuku.com/topic/367/t/How-NOT-to-keep-the-Quon-in-your-group.html


I logged on last night to get a little exp ya know. Been working on AA lately, want to get Run3 so peeps will stop leaving me behind when travelling. That crap is ssoo annoying, and friggin rude.

Anyway, I go /lfg and it's not long before I get an invite to a PoN group. I'm like "What camp?" - "Caves" - /r "cool, Who is in group?" - "chanter, shammy, druid, warrior, rogue" /r "No, I mean who is in the group, names please, I need to make sure none of them are on my SL". At first he is like /boggle , apparantly he hasn't read my rules yet (pub21.ezboard.com/fquon91...=1.topic), but he finally gives me the names of everyone in the group and I check them against my alphabetized excel spreadsheet. Luckily none were on there so I head to PoN. I zone in and do a quick /shout "Quon here, REPRESENT!" , then I spin around and find the guy who sent me the tell. Mouselook spins are the shizznit.

As soon as I get invited to group I start bustin down my expectations.

/tell druid "don't be laying down any gimp heals unless I ask ok? I'll be dropping the Big Heal Bomb so there is no reason for you to waste mana, you should dot or something, or just chill and soak up the exp waiting for us to need an evac." He responds with some garbage about being able to spot heal, nuke, snares etc.. I /r "Please don't argue with the Quon. Besides you're the one who rolled up a Halfling, the least you could have done was make a Wood Elf Honie for me to look at"

/tell enchanter "Yo, KEI. And why do I have to ask you for the only thing you got invited to this group for?"

/tell warrior "I'm going to initiate you into the purple club tonight." He says "?" /r "You'll see soon enough ;) "..Another person that hasn't read my rules, I'm going to need to get more exposure.

/tell rogue "I bet you can generate a lot of aggro eh?" She says " I sure can :) " /r "Well don't, you are dead last on my list of peeps to heal since there is no Ranger in the group." She responded but I was already typing my message to the shaman and I missed it, and didn't feel like scrolling back.

/tell shaman "I'm not sure I trust this enchanter, can you keep an eye on me with root crowd control please?" He's like "I'll do my best" /r "WTF?? If I die, we all go down, you better respect that." I think for a minute about adding him to my @#%$ List for that lame ass attitude, but I let it go this time.

/group "I get all money drops right to replenish my expenditures?" The groupleader, the warrior, says "We'll be splitting any loot at the end." /group "If you all want aego, I better see 60 platz in my trade window" The warrior repeats himself, so I wait for the 40pp to show up in my window. Time wasted 5 minutes. I can see this group is turning out to be very Non-Quonesque.


Buffs done and we rock toward the gobbie cave. I'm amazed that I didn't have to ask for levi and invis with these assclowns.

We set up and the warrior pulls the first 2 gobs. The fingertwiddler to my right manages to mez one so everybody is on the gob. I figure I'm going to go ahead and get the warrior into my purple club right away. (If you don't know what the purple club is by now, go back and read my commandments, it's like the first friggin one.) Warrior gets to about 50% and I ask him, "How many HP's you got?", by the time he responds he's down to like 30%. The timing on this @#%$ has got to be square ya know. I drop the big heal bomb on the meat shield with the Hot Key Macro "<Warrior> may you live to protect The Quon another day". I have like 2 hot key banks full of TIIIGHHT hot key macro messages. Because this clown waited so long to tell me how many HP's he had the heal bomb landed a split second to late. Now we are tankless, and I'm sitting in a frickin cave with 4 asshats and no tank. I think "WWQD?" (What Would Quon Do?), and I'm blessed with the answer, /sit, /load gate, /cast gate, and slicker than @#%$ I'm back in the Nexus safe and sound.

I decide that those freaks don't know WTF they are doing so I /groupsay "Yo, dudes, I'm gonna bust outta here and see if I can get a PoV group, Caves exp suxxors. And FYI, next time you want to group with me, someone in the group needs to read the commandments, Yo". /disband


The Quon". I want the respect, I want the platinum, I want the excitement, and I want the Wood Elf Honies all on my tip. Yeah..."The Quon". Represent.

************************************************** ***************

http://quon91516.yuku.com/topic/381/t/Roleplayers-should-shampoo-The-Quons-crotch.html

Roleplayers. The Quon doesn't get it. The Quon doesn't want to. And let's be real. The Quon doesn't have to and neither do you.

The Quon has had to endure a certain level of contact with Roleplayers over the levels. He see's it as a necessary evil. Along the way to god-hood, a little give and take is sometimes required to keep the wheels of xp greased. We've all had run-ins with that punk ass Druid who won't kill animals no matter how sweet the xp. Or that fucktard who won't kill his own race. Weak. At first The Quon tried to educate these dingleberries about the whackness inherent in their logic. "Dude, this Orc hasn't ever seen your lands, he don't know you ruined them and besides that, fuck him". But eventually The Quon put his blinders on and went about the business of level lapping these self-handicapped freaks 10 times over. Cause that's how you can identify "most" of the roleplayers, they're level 35...for-fucking-ever. They've got 8 character, all level 15 to 35. The Quon wants to know the point.

But now that he's the MC The Quon won't tolerate these assclowns.

So when The Quon found himself in PoJ cell group last night with an MA who obviously juggled turds as a side job at the Renaissance Fair, he knew it was on. Everything was going just fine for the most part. Respects had been paid, rules were being observed and shit. We were chugging through the xp at a decent pace.

The tank comes back empty handed on a pull and I'm all like "WTF?". And the rest of the group's looking at The Quon just waiting to back his play. The tank says, "Nothing down there to pull. Just humanoids". And The Quon is all like, "You better pull that shit! The Quon needs RUN3 tonight so he can leave all the newbs behind and hit PoV." And the Shammy's all like "Newbs?", like he was offended or something. The Quon squashed that shit with a quickness though, "You heard me mothaphucka...do something." And he was all quiet after that. Respect.

So get this, the tank actually stops looking for mobs and comes back to the camp, stands in front of me and starts teaching like he's a professor or something. "I'm a Humanoid, we're all humanoids. It would be a slap in the face of our gods to kill others like us. There's plenty of other mobs here to chose from without offending our dieties."

After a minute to stop giggling, cause The Quon SO knows what the future holds, The Quon says, "You don't do certain things you don't want to do, then blame it on the will of your god and everything's cool? Nice deal. Good to know." And this guy seems all pleased and shit like he blew The Quon's mind or something.

So we continue on for a bit and all seems forgotten.

On the next pull, The Quon watches as this door-knobs health went down faster than a Wood Elf Honie looking for a Rez in The Quons pocket. ("It's down there baby...keep looking"). I enjoy this because I knows what's coming. "HEAL". The Quon, of course, does not. What I do though is call out "The Big Heal Bomb is Inc on Warrior. But I never cast that shit. Instead The Quon loads gate and once I'm sure the Warrior is gonna take a dirt nap I say "I think you're a fuck-wit. I don't wanna heal you and Tunare says she's with me on it. Roleplayers should shampoo my crotch. Peace out".

And I'm gone.

Now who's the teacher mothaphucka.

[Loquan]

Lmao, never heard of Quon before. A very standup guy! I had forgotten about skater gnome, as it was like 8 years ago, dude is fuckin hilarious. Great posts guys! Giving me something to do at work today 0_o

[Ardenya]

Found the story of "burned woods" when I was looking around for some old laughs. If any of you guys have "Raid on VP" or "Raid on ToV" please post it, been looking for it since days. Anway. the following one is long one but priceless:

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message:
"d00d sow plz".
Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.
Boy was I ever wrong.
I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and the petitioner.
So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"
(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me.
Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)
I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."
The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"
Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")
This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT?????
/em begins to cry like a little girl.
Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig.
I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.
I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".
Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a dick about it a$$hole"
Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.
I say, "I have JBoots."
He says, "what are they"
Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....
Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"
I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."
He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"
Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.
I say, "Why do you need a sow?"
He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"
Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".
I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."
He says, "?"
Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry communication facilitators.
I didn't answer him.
He repeats, "??"
Found it twice...good for him.
He repeats, "???"
Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.
I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."
He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"
I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."
He says, "?"
I say, "!"
He says, "?"
I say, ","
He says, "wtf"
I say, "no, already have some."
He says, "????"
I don't respond.
He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"
He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.
I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing zone locations."
My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.
He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"
I say, "You don't need the boat."
He says "why"
I say, "You're a wizard!"
He says, "how you know that"
I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."
He says, "oh yeah the green ones"
I nod.
I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."
He says, "thx"
I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"
He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"
I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."
He says, "why"
Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.
I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."
He says, "how do you know"
I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."
He says, "oh"
I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"
He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.
He says, "yeah"
I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."
Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.
A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes I still haven't heard from him.
Getting curious:
I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"
No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]
Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.
I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."
He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."
Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.
I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"
He replies, "no"
I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."
It was a guess, but an educated one.
He replies, "found it"
I reply, "Click on it."
He replies, "north"
I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the right, take the right fork."
He replies, "ok"
Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.
He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"
I reply, "They were roleplaying."
He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"
Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.
I reply, "Where are you?"
He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"
I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."
Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.
A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.
I tell petitioner, "What happened?"
As if I didn't know....
He replies, "my spells are gone!"
I reply, "What happened?"
He replies, "i died why"
I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"
He replies, "east wtf???"
I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."
He replies, "?"
I reply, "So where are you now?"
He replies, "how can i tell"
I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."
He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."
After smacking my head against my monitor....
I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".
Get this....
He replies, "Burning Woods"
I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!
He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"
I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."
He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"
/ignore petitioner
Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!
Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.
I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"
He replies, "wtf? where you been"
I reply, "been afk, sorry."
He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."
My conscience somewhat eased...
I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"
He replies, "iceclad ocean"
I scratch my head a few times.
I reply, "Why Velious?"
He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"
I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.
He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"
That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.

[Ardenya]

And this is the followup, covering the rezzer's PoV:

Here comes some idiot Dark Elf running past me, running straight down the road that is going to lead him to Felwithe. I scratch my head, and being the nosey sort of Dwarf that I am...I send him a tell.
I tell the DE, "Wait"
DE tells me, "?"
I sigh into my ale as I take another long draught off of it before running up to him and saying, "Ye really don't wanna go messin around over there with them High Elves' They look like pansies, but they aint."
The DE stands there with a vacant look on his face for a few minutes before just running away. Do a /who on the DE and find out he's 31st level. Ok, so maybe he knows what he's doing. I've seen Ogres in North Freeport, after all. I go back to drinking my ale.
Out of curiosity, I send him another tell a few minutes later.
I tell the DE, "Not gettin' into any trouble over there are ye?"
DE tells me, "STFU !@#$% roleplayer"
I sigh into my ale again, finishing it off. Ah, tis the season of the twit.
I stand up and head towards Felwithe to resupply my ale.
Just as I get to the gates of the ugliest city on Norrath, what do I find but a dead dark elf and a pair of guards snickering and cleaning their weapons. Now this is priceless.
I do a /who on the poor soul and see he is in Burning Woods. Being the sucker that I am, I feel compelled to rez the twit...after all, I am a !@#$% roleplayer and I roleplay a !@#$% cleric...albeit a !@#$% grumpy one.
I sit down to mem Reviviscene and while I am waiting for it to refresh I send the DE a tell.
I tell the DE, "Would ye like a rez?"
DE tells me, "no i want a !@#$% sow dumbas i have to run south to get my corpse back so dont be a dick and just sow me plz"
I look around for an ale but unfortunatly Brell hates me at this moment in time, so I simply reply. "If I rez ya, ye wont need to run south to yer body. You will appear at yer body. I am not standing near you, I am standing near yer corpse."
DE tells me, "d00d rez plz"
As I sigh I look at my Holy Symbol of Brell and sigh "I'm gonna get a stout named after me right?" and I tell the DE "Consent me so I can rez ya" but I get no reply. No reply at all. So I say it again "Consent me so I can rez ya"
DE tells me, "ok you can rez me"
I sit down again at this point. I have no ale and this is gonna take awhile.
I tell the DE, "Type /consent and my name" Being a smart dwarf I tell the DE, "/consent Cleric_01" and say again "Just like that" before he can make my head hurt more.
Sure enough, I recieve consent to drag his corpse. So I stand up and get ready to drag the corpse when suddenly I am denied permission to drag his corpse. I begin to think like him and I think "WTF?" So I tell the DE, "No...just type it once. One more time. That's it. Dont type it again" thinking that as soon as I get this over with, I can go buy more ale and my head will stop hurting.
I recieve consent and I quickly drag it towards the zone since this is the direction the guy was going anyway. I get the body by the zone and cast Rez on it, comforted by the fact that I am one heal away from being done with this guy.
The naked DE appears in front of me and I stand up to cast my final spell of this exchange when he says to me "your that !@#%% roleplayer" and then a moment later, almost as an afterthought "thx"
Compelled at this point, I ask "Why were you running into Felwithe when you are KoS?"
DE says, "I was going to burned woods"
I say, "Burning Woods?"
DE says, "no dumbass i go there when i die i want to hunt burned woods"
I say, "Who told you to go hunting in Burned Woods, inside Felwithe?"
DE says, "some dick who wouldn't sow me" and then "will you sow me plz, its for a CR"
I stand there drooling on myself for a moment, trying to catch up. I havent had an ale in a good 20 minutes at this point, so I am starting to see spots.
DE says, "dont be a dick just sow me before they move the zone again"
I stare at the lad and ask "Move Burned Woods? Again?"
DE says, "yea"
I finally snap and say, "They aren't going to move it again. Once they moved it to Western Wastes, with all the snow, it stopped burning."
DE says, "i saw a burning tree"
I say, "Exactly my point. Now if they would only move Burning Woods there it would stop too and people wouldn't go there when they die."
DE says, "can you sow me, its for CR"
I say, "sow doesnt work in IC until you get past EW and then it will work for CR's only until you get to WW, then ask the first person you see for sow there." I add as an afterthought "Sometimes they look like flying blue things but they can sow"
DE says, "wtf???"
I say, "Allow me to use smaller words. You do not need a sow yet. Do what I say and you'll get there right away." and then "Sit down and mem the spell Bind Affinity"
DE is silent for a bit and finally says "its red" as he is standing up I say, "I am glad they covered Colors this week. Now target yourself and cast this spell. " He just stands there for a minute, so I add "it will r0ck" and he begins to cast the spell, binding himself behind the guards at Felwithe. I feel somewhat better already, maybe I dont need ale.
DE says, "it said bound" and begins to giggle
I say, "Now sit down and mem the spell Iceclad Gate. This will r0ck even more."
DE says, "this one is green"
I say, "You're damn good at those colors man"
DE says, "thx"
When the DE stands up I say "This is going to take you to Iceclad Ocean.
It's an ocean so that's why they moved Burned Woods there....to put it out."
DE says, "what about sow"
I say, "Remember that sow wont work until you are on a CR in WW. In fact you actually run faster in snow if you set the RUN button to WALK. Do that now."
DE says, "ok"
I say, "Now cast Iceclad Gate....the Green one. Remember to run straight out of where you appear and dont stop swimming until you hit Burned Woods." DE begins to cast a spell and I zone in to get my ale....remembering that the Ignore list cures most headaches that ale cant and feeling somewhat better about going back to Sebilis.

[Ardenya]

Haha, finally found the VP trilogy, its too long to post but here's a quote:

Warrior taunts A Sky Blue Dragon
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 300 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 193 damage
Ranger yells for help behind you and to the left
Cleric: Quick casting my $*%
Wizard begins to cast a spell
Wizard's spell has been resisted
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Wizard for 800 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Wizard for 800 damage
Wizard has been slain by A Sky Blue Dragon
Necromancer puts on sunglasses
Warrior: Well there's a taunt at least
Bard summons water from his boots
Cleric has cast a spell
Ranger has regained 900 hp
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
Ranger: ***? I stopped attacking 20 secs ago
Cleric begins to cast a spell
Ranger is completely healed
Cleric: There we go
Magician begins to cast a spell
Ranger is enveloped in fire
Shaman: Well at least he's useful now
Necromancer strikes up a conversation with Jimi Hendrix
Necromancer lights a cigar
Monk kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 450 damage
Warrior kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 3 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon is stunned
Warrior: Woo hoo
Druid begins to cast a spell
Monk uber-punches A Sky Blue Dragon for 800 damage
Warrior kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 10 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon is stunned
Warrior: Twice in a row!
Warrior sticks his tongue out at Monk
Druid hits A Sky Blue Dragon for non-melee for 1020 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Druid for 500 damage
Necromancer begins to debate the philosophy of "The Matrix"
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Druid for 500 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Druid for 500 damage
Cleric begins to cast a spell
Paladin begins to cast a spell
Druid feels a healing touch
Cleric: %*^
Paladin: Sorry
Cleric's casting has been interrupted
You must be standing to cast a spell
Bard summons water from his boots
Druid: You mind?
Bard summons food from his pants
Bard: What? Can't you see I'm using my armor's special abilities
Rogue backstabs A Sky Blue Dragon for 400 damage
Jenkins backstabs A Sky Blue Dragon for 500 damage
Jenkins laughs an elemental laugh at Rogue

http://www.hentges.net/misc/TheSafehouseRogue.html

[Overcast]

Lmao, never heard of Quon before. A very standup guy! I had forgotten about skater gnome, as it was like 8 years ago, dude is fuckin hilarious. Great posts guys! Giving me something to do at work today 0_o

Make sure you check out "The Quon teaches the classes to the masses." on the first page of this thread - that's the best, lol

[Glaani]

Cyber with The Quon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm medding in the Nexus and I'm weeding through the barrage of "group with me Quon" and "We need you for uber xp Quon" tells I always get as soon as I log in, when out of the blue I get a random /tell from some honie.

"FUCK you Quon".

I'm pretty sure I remember this scooties name so I check on my Shit List first to see if she has upset the Quon in the past. Nope. I check my other Excel list "Honies I want to Cyber with". It takes a hot second though cause it's a monster Excel joint, and I'm all about enabling macros and shit. Yep, she's there and I have her stats too, sweet little inky enchantress with perkies and maxed out DEX and AGI, you know what I'm sayin. A bit low on INT for a caster but Quon was only looking to "group" with her in the loosest sense of the word. (Don't forget to ask The Quon about the night he spent "2-boxing" some other time...bwahhhh)

Lady Marmalade is a little fast on the draw, all wanting to jump right into the final act before we can do a little pre-lovin. I try to slow the shiznit down by throwin back some sweet nothings to her. Cause the one thing my grandma told me that I'll always remember is "Quon, you gotta lick it before you stick it". So I'm all like.../r "Yo baby, I want it bad as you, I ain't never had no blue stuff, but daamn girl you shakin like J-Lo on crack. What you say me and you tangle our tongues before we do the nasty?" And I say it just like that cause the honies love it when The Quon comes at them all hard verbally and shit.

She responds with "OMG!", I can almost hear this chick moaning out The Quon's name as she's typing, like she was washing her hair in one of those cracked out shampoo commercials.

I'm all like screw it if she wants it that bad who am I to hold out on her. So I put it all on the table.../r "Come on over here Smurfette and rub your Orbs and you Infinite Void on me. Let the Quon show you how to get Shizzle with the Bizzle." Cause I know that will get her all hot and shit. I continue cause I don't want to lose the flow.../r "Sweet thing I got more moves than a Grandmaster Monkey, you and me were meant to do the Kunark Krotch Rock, awww yeeea we're gettin freaky now aren't we baby?" And I'm really into it so I stand up at my cpu and start gyrating my hips and I'm hollaring at the top of my lungs..."Feel It, Feel It!", until my moms screams up at me and I sit down and get back to it.

So this DE is all like "Welcome to my list!"

I'm all like, Sweeeet. Cause regular cyber kicks ass. So I tell her, /r "That's the stuff baby, you're on my list too. Write this shit down. I give her this laundry list of what Quon needs to have done for him to "DING" if you catch what i'm saying. And Quid Pro Quon like, I ask her to give me her list so I can help her with her "Alternate Advancement". (Yeeeahhh).

She doesn't respond, I figure she's got her hands too busy to reply. I fire off some more sexual healing for my new Inky Cyber Buddy.../r "You're crazy hot for The Quon ain't ya? You can't help that you dig tha flava. The Quon just summoned his Hammer of Divinity and it proc's like a muthaphucka. And just when you can't take anymore, I'll toss my 'lil Hammer Pet around the back way on ya. Free your mind and your ass will follow."

This chick has got to be steamin hot by now, and I'm rubbing my Thumb over Firiona Vie's plastic boobies trying not to spill my SoW Potion too fast, it's time to take this shiaat to the next level.../r "Let's stop with this lame ass typin shit, fire off your digits to me, and send me your pic via email to TheQuon2003@yahoo.com, I'll talk at ya. Yo"

When she sends the pic I'll post it, she'll be whack ass embarrassed but at least I got mine.

Quon out

-----------------

Awesome stuff :)

[Bigcountry23]

I remember a post similar to the denny's one, but it was an average day through the eyes of an EQ player (slaying the alarm clock, boss scowling at you, etc.). Can't find it though. :(

[Crash]

Burned Woods is classic, love it.

[Mimn]

LOL. Thanks for the classic Quon posts, still funny second time around.

Quid Pro Quon is STILL the funniest eq-line ever

[hateshadow]

http://gucomics.com/comics/2000/gu_20000724.jpg

[Bigcountry23]

You know you play Everquest too much when..........


You look at your dog and ask for a SoW.

you see the lightning bugs out in your front yard during the summer and think 'I wonder if it will drop a 'GLS'

You go to the zoo and wonder what the lions con to you.

When driving through rush-hour traffic, you wonder why you didn't bind at home so you could just gate back.

You glimpse roadkill on the highway and wonder if anyone's looted it yet.

Well, I'd like to Lend you that CD but it's no-drop...

When driving along at dusk you want to see if the car in the distance is a cop so you mentally try to target them.

You look for the NUM LOCK key in your car for cruise control.

Your wife/girl friend's 'con' goes from warmly to scowls..

When you try to phoneticaly spell something and you say "Q as in Qeynos".

You see that your friend has a new outfit on, and ask for the stats, and if it can be worn by 'small races'.

when sitting in your living room with your family, you get up to go to the bathroom, and tell them "afk for a min".

When someone is telling you about a friend of theirs and you ask them what race/class/level they are.

When you actually say "LoL" to a freinds joke instead of laughing at it.

You drive past a cop and wonder if you aggroed him.

After hearing a funny joke you say "ROFL"

Your cat sits in an empty laundry basket for hours, and you think that he must be camping the rare some_warm_clean_laundry01 spawn.

You are waiting for the lunch hour to come around and chanting "You are hungry. You are thirsty. You are out of food and drink."

While taking out the trash you hear the noise for finishing a quest and see "Your faction with Wives/Girlfriends have increased!"

You walk into a restaurant and yell "camp check" to get an open table...

Watching a movie in the theater and the hero is getting chased by the baddies and you shout "train to zone!"

While meditating, you sprint to the microwave, throw in two Hot Pockets, and search for the "Combine" button.

You do stuff in real-life for experence! Your Brown Nose Boss has increased (201)

You hear an elevator "ding", think you levelled, and wonder what new spells you got.

When you email or page your friends with things like: "Loading, please wait..." "A griffon slashed YOU for 98 points of damage!" "YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED"

When a plate thrown by A Neglected Spowse hits YOU for 46 damage.

You ask your boss to nerf the guys in admin.

When you're driving along bored and keep looking over to the left side of the steering wheel trying to hit "forage".

When saying "BRB" actually becomes common at work.

Sitting in traffic and you wish that Lilwolf was there so you could get a teleport to work.

When show your kid the 'frogloks' in the pond

When someone cuts you off in traffic and all you can think about is PvP and that guys face on the head of a newbie.....

You don't go to the doctors any more, you go to the church and ask the priest for a Cure Disease.

When you raise your eyebrows in suspicion at everyone you meet named Brad or Gordon...

When you think about joining the army, but decide against it because of massive downtime.

When That stuff you made in Arts and Crafts looks NOTHING like crafted..

When you complain about low baking skill after a burnt dinner...

When you travel to your grandfathers birthplace hoping he'll return to his "bindpoint" after death.

When you shout for a res for your grandfather.

When you see you received a pay cut and shout "I'VE BEEN NERFED!!!"

You start to auction things in your office: "WTS a rusty knife, send tells please"

You keep looking for the Sense Heading button on the dashboard of your car...

You use trollspeak in company e-mail, Such as: "Hi, just wondering if the NOC is still having overflow problems?" "Wut yu meen stoopid?"

You roll over after sex and say, "Out Of Mana".

When you buy something at the store and tell the clerk: "the label said it was only 2 platinum"

A female acquaintance shows you her new engagement ring and you say "Cool! What are the stats on that?!"

You refer to pennies as copper pieces.

Go to a casino and see the people playing slot machines. You think to your self, "That's not fair! They can't camp 2 and 3 of those at a time!"

When you have the constent urge to gate, instead of drive home.

you see a sports car drive by and say, 'Dang! somebody nerf that thing!'

You're driving in your car and thinking: "Wow, this is one big zone!"

Thinking to yourself, my wife is mad, maybe i should befriend her.

You know that you can start one load of laundry, vacuum the living room, and get a drink from the kitchen in the time it takes to go from OOM to FM.

You ask your co-workers if they want to group for lunch.

You're talking to your manager and continuously thinking /rude /rude /rude...

You're saying goodbye to a friend and think /wave

Preface all actions in your mind with /em

You see the little rich kid at school with a new SRV and think 'man I hate twinks!'

You stop dreaming about being a superhero... but being level 60 and how cool that would be...

You tell your dog to '/guard here' instead of stay.

You wish you had an allience spell for your wife.

You consider selling your car so you can afford a DSL link, a new GForce 2 and a new processor... Because you only drive twice a day...

you start drinking milk for the first time in years... because it's only 3cp.

When you dream about EQ solutions to real life problems...

When you're waiting on your printjob to come out and there are several people standing there ahead of you, you're thinking "they must be camping the printer spawn"

When you call your wife by her Eq name in complete seriousness.. or real-life friends who play... "Hi Gornak.. erm.. Bob.. sorry"

When those loaves of summoned bread start looking really tasty.

Your boss starts looking like an Orc Pawn

You are hungry and thirsty, but your character has 40 muffins, and 40 water flasks.

You can "forage" on your computer desk and find something edible.

You start saying things like, "hail a co-worker"

You compulsively hit the / key to see who is online (even though you're not even connected to the internet)

You care more about your main character's appearance than your own

When you try to MemBlur your wife to avoid a fight and instead find the divorce papers.

When your entire family tells you "Turn the damn computer off and go outside"

Your neighbors ask your kid if you have been sick because they have not seen you in a while.

Your non-EQ friend does not stop by for a week because he assumed you were asleep, since there were no lights on at your house.

When you are watching a program about Stonehenge on the Discovery Channel and you can't help thinking: They know nothing about Druids at all do they?

If I am walking along a beach and see a crocodile, will I even be worried about it or will I figure that it is non-aggro?

You actually do name your dog Jobotik and then get frustrated when he won't respond to /pet sit down, never mind /pet follow me.

you're talking to someone on AIM or yahoo IM and you preface everything with /g or /t

You are talking to a friend on the phone and have to leave. But knowing that you plan to call your friend back you say "I gotta go, I'll send you a tell later!"

Your desktop wallpaper is a screenshot of anywhere in the game, and you constantly try to move using the arrow keys........real annoying.

Driving along, see the sign that says "Entering Charlotte" ....and actually expecting to see "LOADING, PLEASE WAIT" and zone.

When a friend asks if you want to go camping this weekend and you tell him you already got your J-Boots.

When a friend from work asks if you want to go out for a drink, and you say "Sure, send me a /tell and we'll get together."

/con boss "Your boss looks like a reasonably safe opponent."

when you look a real-life friend and see nothing but a big plate wearing, axe weilding barbarian.

or when you are thinking...
"a stupid client has been slain"
You Gain Experience!
Your faction standing with boss goes down.
Your faction standing with co-workers goes up.

When after six years of being on AOL, you start telling your friends there to send you a /tell instead of an IM.

When you start messages to coworkers with "Hail," and respond affirmatively with "Aye."

You're going to visit someone and they ask if you know how to get there. You tell them that if you get lost, you'll just find a wall and follow it to the zone.

A rude customer is nagging you and you say "forwardslash ignore!"

If you are in HS and in track you wish you had SoW at a track meet.

At work when you meet up with real-life EQ friends you talk about EQ for hours and dont get any work done.

When you log off after a 6-8hour day of playing EQ, you get ready for bed and you sit in your bed and say "Camp will prepare in 30 seconds"

Your dog takes off running from you and you say "PET BACK!"

When you can have a conversation with your spous while you are playing and have absolutely no clue what the two of you just talked about because you were busy killing the Froglok Executioner

When you actully fire up a spreadsheet at work and make a list of all the equipment you still plan to get and what it's effects on your stats will be

When you are having nightmares about EQ

When you try to explain the game to someone without using all kinds of EQ-terminology and simply are not able to

You are walking and begin approaching someone with your eyeballs looking to the upper right for an invisibility icon.

You look for your cat on the tracking list.

You call your pet "pet".

You go to the swimming pool and worry about forgetting your fishbone earring.

When your dog is whining at the door to go out, you think - "Should I mez him to buy some time?"

When you look up at the co-work who just entered your office and wonder why you don't see a name floating above his head..

When you get invited to an Efreeti run, and you turn down sex & sleep to go along.

When you look at your co-workers and wonder what class / race they'd be in EQ.

When you use excel more to calculate how to get the most mana (..if I trade this 7 int necklace for this 55 mana one, I can then equip the stein....) more than to do your real work.

When helping a friend move into a new house, you wonder if you can ask for a strength buff first.

You'd day dream what the prices will be at the supermarket if only your charisma was higher.

You need SoW to get to work.

You answer the phone with "Hail" and try to cover it up with "lo".. "Hail-lo?"

You wonder just what kind of loot the security guards at the mall would drop, and what their spawn time is...

When you need to actually throw away the junk food wrappers so you can see your monitor.

You're outside and you look up at the sky and think.. "DAMN, now thats some good resolution"

When you see a bum sleeping on the street and try to right-click on it.

When you go to the bank, ignore the line, and try to mentally right-click on one of the tellers.

When you visit a night club you think, Damn everyone is more twinked than me.

You enter your local shopping mall...
Once inside you shout:
"WTS Robe of the Oracle AC 9, +5 int, +5 wis, +25 mana, weight 2, pure casters only, 900pp"
And then when a bunch of people start looking at you funny, you then get frustrated and shout:
"Serious inquiries only!"

Your co-worker sneezes, and you automatically look up and to the left for your Cure Disease spell icon.

Mostly, When your driving to a town (a few towns from home) and you start to look for a good and safe place to bind.

When you step on a spider and are disappointed that it didn't squeel like a pig.

When you say 'Nod' to someone in response to them telling you something.

When you actully fire up a spreadsheet at work and make a list of all the equipment you still plan to get and what it's effects on your stats will be

[Bubbles]

THE NECROMANCER THEME SONG
(Sing to the tune of "Crawling", by Linkin Park)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP is unreal

There's something on my pet, I pull it to the zoneline
Aggroing... and owning
This lack of red con mobs to fear is never-ending
Spawnstealing... I can't seem

To find bone chips again
The newbs are closing in
{Without a sense of uberness and I'm convinced
that they're just begging for me to train}
I own this camp for sure
Ne-cro-man-cer!

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP is unreal

Newbie monk incoming has pulled his mobs upon me
Death feigning... and training
Before I die I gate back to Nektulous Forest
It's haunting... how I can't seem

To find bone chips again
The newbs are closing in
{Without a sense of uberness and I'm convinced
that they're just begging for me to train}
I own this camp for sure
Ne-cro-man-cer!

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP is unreal

Kiting with my pet
So I will not need heals
Fear is what I cast
The XP... the XP is unreal!

The XP is unreal!

The XP is unreal!

Christ i wish you played my hours.. this song alone is worth 2 levels worth of necro-twinking. effing Bravo! :D

[Evilmog]

Theres always the ever popular Chain CH (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wEHZ0e4-1w) Although, the music to that video is different from the one I remember which had music from the Matrix sound track.


It is tragic that the music for that was changed due to copy right issue.

So here's the original since it's badass:

http://home.att.ne.jp/surf/mirage/agent_sinzan_2.html

[YendorLootmonkey]

Christ i wish you played my hours.. this song alone is worth 2 levels worth of necro-twinking. effing Bravo! :D

Well, when do you play? Because I could certainly use two levels of necro powerleveling!! :)