purist
07-12-2010, 03:17 PM
I didn't write this, it was written in 2002 by a guy named David Teatro on a now-defunct website called Dot Communism (http://web.archive.org/web/20020803025445/www.fucksociety.ca/dotcommunism/everquest.html). I just remember reading it back then and finding it amusing so I pulled it off the internet archive to repost here. Enjoy.
The Everquest Sermon. Be Afraid.
By: Xerjester
March 14, 2002
Ok - I won't wax poetic and civil with this piece, kids, because I am truly- TRULY fucking pissed off here. and yes, I realize the massive amounts of people who will be utterly offended by this little sermon of mine, but to that all I can say is this:
ATTENTIONS GAMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you play Everquest, and you think that it is God's gift to humankind and gaming entire, then you and your God damned little level 56 fighter are fucking MORONS. I can't stand you people. I can't. And I honestly don't care about the tidal wave of Geek-concepted hate mail I'll receive about this post. I'm not pulling any shots with this one, you chizzling little cyber addicts.
For ye few and uninitiated lucky bastards out there, aside from the obvious "Ever-Crack" jab at the game and it's non-functional following you have to step back and really watch these people at their obsession with this game. Seriously. It's like the scene from "Menace 2 Society" ( or was it Boyz in tha Hood....who cares, right?) where the Crack addict offers his friend oral sex in return for a fix. Take that same scene, replace the Crack addict with an EverGeek, and switch out the other friend for a PC running Everquest.
"I'll suck yo ram for sum experience points and a sword +2, man!"
http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/8898/cracke.gif
Note that an actual crack addiction requires far fewer materials than an Everquest addiction, and will never tie up your phonelines/ It's Mother-approved!
It's fucking unreasonably sick the way this has progressed- truly. I mean, I can claim addiction to many things in life: alcohol, motorcycles, music, bad references to obscure movies that no one else but myself finds funny, fire.
The day I glue my ass to the e-life of a polygon ELF is the day it's time to swallow some shotgun.
Oh yeah..sorry...shotgun +2.
I mean- these people BUY and SELL their Evercrack characters on EBAY!!!!! The FUCK?! Oh yes, allow me to sit there in front of the loving gleam of my monitor to anxiously await to see whether or not MY bid on the level 78 Elf/ranger/mage/warrior/thief/mondo-badass goes through. WOO HOO!!!!! It's a steal at only $300.00!! GOD DAMN Visa loves ME!
CHRIST ON A MOTORIZED CRUCIFIX! What's WRONG with you people?!
I had a 5 hour conversation over icq with some whackjob about Everquest....let me say that again- 5 HOUR long icq conversation. If this doesn't back up previous statements about my pain tolerance, nothing does. Now, if anyone- ANYONE asks you what you think of Everquest, and you do not possess unlimited patience or a katana, please for the love of Tony Danza- RUN.
Don't ask.
Don't argue.
Just RUN.
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest2.jpg
Oh GOD- it's coming right for us! Quickly, camera operator, flee before the Everquest addict's body odor consumes you as well! Flee! Flee damn you!
I swear to Jebus almighty that these conversations run like ripping the bloody lid off Pandora's box and upending the contents. Our conversation went something like this:
http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/3808/xerjestericon.gif
Me : Heya. sup?
http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/7637/portals.gif
*BlaserH*: Hey- know any good games Like Everquest I can play till Star Wars Galaxies comes out?
Me : Um, Everquest sucks- why not try something like Baldur's Gate 2 or any FPS game?
*BlaserH*: WHAT?!
(*the distant sounds of a rabid Evercrack addict attempting to harm me for insulting his lifeblood by smashing his head into his monitor*)
Me : Like I said- EQ sucks. There are far better games out there....
*BlaserH*:j00 d34d f00!
(Translation: I do not agree with your opinion, because I like the taste of penis, and more specifically, I like the taste of Everquest penis, because I have trained my Wizard to master the arcane and dark arts of penis-tasting.)
Now this discussions droned on, and on, and ON, for 5 HOURS, because he- like all good penis-tasting EQ addicts -feels PERSONALLY offended and threatened when anyone has a dissenting opinion about their beloved Game. It's like attacking the beehive, only in this case you don't get stung, you get flamed.
Oh, the horror. The horror.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against RPG's or gaming in general. I enjoy both, and aspire to be part of the gaming industry as an artist someday. However, there's a HUGE BRIGHT RED LINE drawn straight down the fucking middle between casual gaming and spending your 19 hours of conscious waking existence hooked into the adventures of Thagzar the Mystic Barbarian from the White Plains of Fuck-lor or whatever insipid name and title you've given to the 3-d representation of your pathetic aspirations.
"Fear me- for I am Urlien the Mighty! Scourge of Dragons! Flame of Light! King of Elves! I will trounce verily all evil with my magi- What? No mommy you said I had another fifteen minutes online tonight! That's not fair! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!!"
*sniffle* *twitch* *twitch*
"Urlien the mighty wouldn't have to put up with this...no...he wouldn't..." *Twitchy-twitch*
Yep- another Columbine in the making. Huzzah. Want some help there, Urlien? Go to your Dad's gun cabinet- er- I mean the umm "magical hold of weaponry" and open it. See that long metal tube with the custom stock cherrywood pistolgrip? Yeah- that one. It's not really a gun. Nope- sure enough it's a flute of majesty....um..+2!!
Yeah!
Your obvious adventuring skills have found you lucky this day, brave um...uhh...elf.
Now, make sure the fucking rifle is loaded- UH..err I mean um... Verily, take care to see that all..magical..charges (yeah that's it) are encased within..yon..um..flute. Insert the flute end into your mouth and play the ancient..um..tune- that will take you away to a faraway land!
Yes..that's right...start piping on that Winchester, elf-boy. One less hate mail I'll have to read tomorrow.
I can understand a fascination with a game. I can understand a following- even a cult like one, if the game is truly above-par. I myself am guilty of this with a few titles. But Everquest SUCKS- The graphics, the game play, the effects, the sounds- all a lot of ONLINE SUCK that these dimwits are worshipping. The game looks and plays like an unfinished first-year Playstation title, regardless of how "r0x0r" your system may be, and these designers at Evercrack HQ have the gall to fuck you not once, not twice, but MONTHLY by charging you to play the game online with all the other E-idiots out there after you go and shell out your hard-earned dough for that waste of programming and packaging in the first place!
I'm not surprised. Getting fucked by EQ is the closest thing these people will have to actual sex...that is until the expansion named: "Everquest: The Naughty Isles of the Naked Nookie Nymphs +2" comes out. Here's your standard EQ cyber-sex scenario:
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest4.jpg
Behold, MightSword27 in all his ikea-boy starbucks-praising glory. BEHOLD, DAMN YOU!
MightSword27 writes: "Oh wow...yer soo HOT. Ahyuck... The algorithms that render out your comely elf-breasts make me want to unsheath my mighty Dragonslayer and s3x0r you my *snort, wheeze* fair lady"
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest5.jpg
Behold, ElfBabe69 in all her oh-god-how-can-that-stool-possibly-fucking-support-her-baptised-at-seaworld-crisco-inhaling-ass glory.
ElfBabe69 writes: "I'm a 38 year old man. Tee-hee!"
The new expansion even comes with a stick of RAM for your computer- free of charge. Yes, it's the prize inside the cereal box, kids. Now THAT shows some massive ego. "Not only do we consider our game the best of the best, but it's so POWERFUL that you can't POSSIBLY run it unless we are MERCIFUL enough to bestow this mighty stick of ram upon thee, lowly mortal urchin!"
The truth of the matter is, that the game runs exactly the same with or without the ram. In fact, the kindly people at EQ HQ forget to mention that Windows 98 doesn't recognize RAM higher than 256 in most cases, and that the stick of RAM they so lovingly provide may or may not fry your motherboard into a funnel-cake. My, but we should all sing their praises and lavish gifts of cash upon them, for verily they are Gods among men....
I consider them fuckheads among men. Fuckheads +2.
So why is there such an overwhelming addiction to this piece of shit fabrication of D&D-inspired Geekdom? What's the allure? What's the catch?
Allow me to educate you.
Take subject A. Subject A likes fantasy and Roleplaying.
Got that? Let's continue.
Subject A also enjoys such pastimes as chatrooms, Icq, AIM, Messageboards, and goes by the alias "l337m4st3r": a 23 year old Kickboxer and model from Polermo, Sicily.
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest6.gif
An enclosed photo of Subject A as taken from the "barely legal transexuals and everquest" chatroom.
Got all that? Taking notes? Marvelous. Moving right along-
Subject A in reality is a 34 year old dungeon master living in his parent's garage-apartment in Boise, Idaho.
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest7.gif
An enclosed photo of Subject A as taken from the Jenny Craig "horrible failures" forum.
Yes-remember that. It's important. There'll be a quiz on this later.
Subject A also assumes he enjoys the taste of penis. But is too fat to double over and reach his own that lies dormant and hidden by a cheeto-filled gut, and is too pimple ridden and disgusting to approach the local Gay bar for sex or even to be drugged and taken home for a night of Deliverance-style man love.
Now, pay attention. Here's the big pay-off: Where can Subject A fill his desperate need for chatting, living a lie, and relishing in the home-cooked taste of penis? All together now:
EVERQUEST!!
Of course there would be a rampant addiction to this new form of cyber-smack. It's the only place losers like subject A can get all their sick little jollies in one easy to swallow (and yes, all EQ addicts swallow) dose of fantasy, fakery, and of course, penis. Now you can think on why I hate these people so very, very much.
Picture them emailing me. Now picture my reaction as I mass-delete whatever bitch-sessions they sent. Now picture them waiting for me to reply somehow. To converse with them. To debate in a logical and civil manner over our mutual differences to come to some understanding. Now picture me 2 weeks later having already forgotten them and moving on, having some vodka. Now picture them 2 months later still waiting for some form of intellectual reply. Picture me 3 months later laughing my ass off at the idiots buying the new Everquest expansion and throwing empty bottles of vodka at them. Finally, picture those same people being hit with those thrown bottles. Watch them cringe and cower under the onslaught. See them whimper and beg to the "God of Elves" to save them from this insane drunken assailant. Listen to them comment how it reminds them of that guy who they emailed 3 months ago about the hateful things he said about Everquest. Watch them as they plan to email that same guy again because he may have accidentally erased their oh-so-important emails. Now watch the bottle-thrower, me, go home and mass-delete those new emails.
It's a vicious, vicious circle. But you can help break the cycle of emails and bottle-throwing.
OH- and here's a catchy slogan for a select group who may be playing Evercrack as we speak:
"Playing Everquest makes the Baby Jesus cry. You Sinner!"
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest8.jpg
"I'm a 30 year old savior son-of-GOD. Tee-hee!"
Unplug allready. Get off the box and go do something constructive, like mass cult suicide. Find a nice highway to do cartwheels in. Mix up some "healing potions" using Clorox bleach and Drain-o for all I care. Anything to get you people to wake up and realize just how far down the evolutionary ladder you decided to free-fall.
Keep gaming. Keep enjoying RPG's. Keep enjoying fantasy to your hearts content. But say "No" to Evercrack.
Just say no..........+2.
- Xerjester
The Everquest Sermon. Be Afraid.
By: Xerjester
March 14, 2002
Ok - I won't wax poetic and civil with this piece, kids, because I am truly- TRULY fucking pissed off here. and yes, I realize the massive amounts of people who will be utterly offended by this little sermon of mine, but to that all I can say is this:
ATTENTIONS GAMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you play Everquest, and you think that it is God's gift to humankind and gaming entire, then you and your God damned little level 56 fighter are fucking MORONS. I can't stand you people. I can't. And I honestly don't care about the tidal wave of Geek-concepted hate mail I'll receive about this post. I'm not pulling any shots with this one, you chizzling little cyber addicts.
For ye few and uninitiated lucky bastards out there, aside from the obvious "Ever-Crack" jab at the game and it's non-functional following you have to step back and really watch these people at their obsession with this game. Seriously. It's like the scene from "Menace 2 Society" ( or was it Boyz in tha Hood....who cares, right?) where the Crack addict offers his friend oral sex in return for a fix. Take that same scene, replace the Crack addict with an EverGeek, and switch out the other friend for a PC running Everquest.
"I'll suck yo ram for sum experience points and a sword +2, man!"
http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/8898/cracke.gif
Note that an actual crack addiction requires far fewer materials than an Everquest addiction, and will never tie up your phonelines/ It's Mother-approved!
It's fucking unreasonably sick the way this has progressed- truly. I mean, I can claim addiction to many things in life: alcohol, motorcycles, music, bad references to obscure movies that no one else but myself finds funny, fire.
The day I glue my ass to the e-life of a polygon ELF is the day it's time to swallow some shotgun.
Oh yeah..sorry...shotgun +2.
I mean- these people BUY and SELL their Evercrack characters on EBAY!!!!! The FUCK?! Oh yes, allow me to sit there in front of the loving gleam of my monitor to anxiously await to see whether or not MY bid on the level 78 Elf/ranger/mage/warrior/thief/mondo-badass goes through. WOO HOO!!!!! It's a steal at only $300.00!! GOD DAMN Visa loves ME!
CHRIST ON A MOTORIZED CRUCIFIX! What's WRONG with you people?!
I had a 5 hour conversation over icq with some whackjob about Everquest....let me say that again- 5 HOUR long icq conversation. If this doesn't back up previous statements about my pain tolerance, nothing does. Now, if anyone- ANYONE asks you what you think of Everquest, and you do not possess unlimited patience or a katana, please for the love of Tony Danza- RUN.
Don't ask.
Don't argue.
Just RUN.
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest2.jpg
Oh GOD- it's coming right for us! Quickly, camera operator, flee before the Everquest addict's body odor consumes you as well! Flee! Flee damn you!
I swear to Jebus almighty that these conversations run like ripping the bloody lid off Pandora's box and upending the contents. Our conversation went something like this:
http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/3808/xerjestericon.gif
Me : Heya. sup?
http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/7637/portals.gif
*BlaserH*: Hey- know any good games Like Everquest I can play till Star Wars Galaxies comes out?
Me : Um, Everquest sucks- why not try something like Baldur's Gate 2 or any FPS game?
*BlaserH*: WHAT?!
(*the distant sounds of a rabid Evercrack addict attempting to harm me for insulting his lifeblood by smashing his head into his monitor*)
Me : Like I said- EQ sucks. There are far better games out there....
*BlaserH*:j00 d34d f00!
(Translation: I do not agree with your opinion, because I like the taste of penis, and more specifically, I like the taste of Everquest penis, because I have trained my Wizard to master the arcane and dark arts of penis-tasting.)
Now this discussions droned on, and on, and ON, for 5 HOURS, because he- like all good penis-tasting EQ addicts -feels PERSONALLY offended and threatened when anyone has a dissenting opinion about their beloved Game. It's like attacking the beehive, only in this case you don't get stung, you get flamed.
Oh, the horror. The horror.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against RPG's or gaming in general. I enjoy both, and aspire to be part of the gaming industry as an artist someday. However, there's a HUGE BRIGHT RED LINE drawn straight down the fucking middle between casual gaming and spending your 19 hours of conscious waking existence hooked into the adventures of Thagzar the Mystic Barbarian from the White Plains of Fuck-lor or whatever insipid name and title you've given to the 3-d representation of your pathetic aspirations.
"Fear me- for I am Urlien the Mighty! Scourge of Dragons! Flame of Light! King of Elves! I will trounce verily all evil with my magi- What? No mommy you said I had another fifteen minutes online tonight! That's not fair! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!!"
*sniffle* *twitch* *twitch*
"Urlien the mighty wouldn't have to put up with this...no...he wouldn't..." *Twitchy-twitch*
Yep- another Columbine in the making. Huzzah. Want some help there, Urlien? Go to your Dad's gun cabinet- er- I mean the umm "magical hold of weaponry" and open it. See that long metal tube with the custom stock cherrywood pistolgrip? Yeah- that one. It's not really a gun. Nope- sure enough it's a flute of majesty....um..+2!!
Yeah!
Your obvious adventuring skills have found you lucky this day, brave um...uhh...elf.
Now, make sure the fucking rifle is loaded- UH..err I mean um... Verily, take care to see that all..magical..charges (yeah that's it) are encased within..yon..um..flute. Insert the flute end into your mouth and play the ancient..um..tune- that will take you away to a faraway land!
Yes..that's right...start piping on that Winchester, elf-boy. One less hate mail I'll have to read tomorrow.
I can understand a fascination with a game. I can understand a following- even a cult like one, if the game is truly above-par. I myself am guilty of this with a few titles. But Everquest SUCKS- The graphics, the game play, the effects, the sounds- all a lot of ONLINE SUCK that these dimwits are worshipping. The game looks and plays like an unfinished first-year Playstation title, regardless of how "r0x0r" your system may be, and these designers at Evercrack HQ have the gall to fuck you not once, not twice, but MONTHLY by charging you to play the game online with all the other E-idiots out there after you go and shell out your hard-earned dough for that waste of programming and packaging in the first place!
I'm not surprised. Getting fucked by EQ is the closest thing these people will have to actual sex...that is until the expansion named: "Everquest: The Naughty Isles of the Naked Nookie Nymphs +2" comes out. Here's your standard EQ cyber-sex scenario:
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest4.jpg
Behold, MightSword27 in all his ikea-boy starbucks-praising glory. BEHOLD, DAMN YOU!
MightSword27 writes: "Oh wow...yer soo HOT. Ahyuck... The algorithms that render out your comely elf-breasts make me want to unsheath my mighty Dragonslayer and s3x0r you my *snort, wheeze* fair lady"
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest5.jpg
Behold, ElfBabe69 in all her oh-god-how-can-that-stool-possibly-fucking-support-her-baptised-at-seaworld-crisco-inhaling-ass glory.
ElfBabe69 writes: "I'm a 38 year old man. Tee-hee!"
The new expansion even comes with a stick of RAM for your computer- free of charge. Yes, it's the prize inside the cereal box, kids. Now THAT shows some massive ego. "Not only do we consider our game the best of the best, but it's so POWERFUL that you can't POSSIBLY run it unless we are MERCIFUL enough to bestow this mighty stick of ram upon thee, lowly mortal urchin!"
The truth of the matter is, that the game runs exactly the same with or without the ram. In fact, the kindly people at EQ HQ forget to mention that Windows 98 doesn't recognize RAM higher than 256 in most cases, and that the stick of RAM they so lovingly provide may or may not fry your motherboard into a funnel-cake. My, but we should all sing their praises and lavish gifts of cash upon them, for verily they are Gods among men....
I consider them fuckheads among men. Fuckheads +2.
So why is there such an overwhelming addiction to this piece of shit fabrication of D&D-inspired Geekdom? What's the allure? What's the catch?
Allow me to educate you.
Take subject A. Subject A likes fantasy and Roleplaying.
Got that? Let's continue.
Subject A also enjoys such pastimes as chatrooms, Icq, AIM, Messageboards, and goes by the alias "l337m4st3r": a 23 year old Kickboxer and model from Polermo, Sicily.
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest6.gif
An enclosed photo of Subject A as taken from the "barely legal transexuals and everquest" chatroom.
Got all that? Taking notes? Marvelous. Moving right along-
Subject A in reality is a 34 year old dungeon master living in his parent's garage-apartment in Boise, Idaho.
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest7.gif
An enclosed photo of Subject A as taken from the Jenny Craig "horrible failures" forum.
Yes-remember that. It's important. There'll be a quiz on this later.
Subject A also assumes he enjoys the taste of penis. But is too fat to double over and reach his own that lies dormant and hidden by a cheeto-filled gut, and is too pimple ridden and disgusting to approach the local Gay bar for sex or even to be drugged and taken home for a night of Deliverance-style man love.
Now, pay attention. Here's the big pay-off: Where can Subject A fill his desperate need for chatting, living a lie, and relishing in the home-cooked taste of penis? All together now:
EVERQUEST!!
Of course there would be a rampant addiction to this new form of cyber-smack. It's the only place losers like subject A can get all their sick little jollies in one easy to swallow (and yes, all EQ addicts swallow) dose of fantasy, fakery, and of course, penis. Now you can think on why I hate these people so very, very much.
Picture them emailing me. Now picture my reaction as I mass-delete whatever bitch-sessions they sent. Now picture them waiting for me to reply somehow. To converse with them. To debate in a logical and civil manner over our mutual differences to come to some understanding. Now picture me 2 weeks later having already forgotten them and moving on, having some vodka. Now picture them 2 months later still waiting for some form of intellectual reply. Picture me 3 months later laughing my ass off at the idiots buying the new Everquest expansion and throwing empty bottles of vodka at them. Finally, picture those same people being hit with those thrown bottles. Watch them cringe and cower under the onslaught. See them whimper and beg to the "God of Elves" to save them from this insane drunken assailant. Listen to them comment how it reminds them of that guy who they emailed 3 months ago about the hateful things he said about Everquest. Watch them as they plan to email that same guy again because he may have accidentally erased their oh-so-important emails. Now watch the bottle-thrower, me, go home and mass-delete those new emails.
It's a vicious, vicious circle. But you can help break the cycle of emails and bottle-throwing.
OH- and here's a catchy slogan for a select group who may be playing Evercrack as we speak:
"Playing Everquest makes the Baby Jesus cry. You Sinner!"
http://www.thefriendsociety.com/articles/images/everquest8.jpg
"I'm a 30 year old savior son-of-GOD. Tee-hee!"
Unplug allready. Get off the box and go do something constructive, like mass cult suicide. Find a nice highway to do cartwheels in. Mix up some "healing potions" using Clorox bleach and Drain-o for all I care. Anything to get you people to wake up and realize just how far down the evolutionary ladder you decided to free-fall.
Keep gaming. Keep enjoying RPG's. Keep enjoying fantasy to your hearts content. But say "No" to Evercrack.
Just say no..........+2.
- Xerjester