Tekilia Pu'Tang's Truly Inspiring Traveler's Saga: Crushboned! - Enter the Pu'Tang

[Jotei]

Tekilia Pu'Tang's Truly Inspiring Traveler's Saga: Crushboned! - Enter the Pu'Tang

by

Tekilia Pu'Tang


To My Friends

[Jotei]

Crushboned! - Enter the Pu'Tang

The rank air of clan Crushbone assaulted Tekilia's sinuses. The putrid stink of wet dog and cat piss muddled with earthy scents of still water and mildew hung offensively in the air, a stately display of orc society. There was a small band of orcs huddled not far form the entrance conversing in hushed tones (airy grunts and snarls) and a small mass of wiry hair and weathered steel lay motionless at their center.

The orcs paid Tekilia no heed. Her ninja-like entrance had gone unnotied of course, though Tekilia was confident she could have run in naked, on fire, screaming Song of Midnight and she'd still have passed undetected, so engrossed were they with their find.

Tekilia withdrew her thick rods and approached the band. One of the smaller orcs shuffled closer tentatively and leaning over sniffed inquisitively at their find. It's harsh underbite and disorganized dentes betrayed its reservations though. Saliva ran freely from its lips as it investigated the small hairy mass of steel, showering it in orc spittle.

An eye flicked open and chaos reigned. The moleman was in motion.

"Don't be foggin' me helm with yer stinkin' orc breath... orc!"
"Centurions! Legionaires! Join the battle!" cried the little pawn.
"I'll teach youto interfere with me Hostvirus!" grunted one of the centurions
"I'll teach youto interfere with me Hostvirus!" grunted another of the centurions
"I'll teach youto interfere with me Hostvirus!"grunted the remaining centurion.

The moleman cut broad arcs through the air with his little moleman hammer. His face controted as he mouthed a prayer to his moleman gods. Abruptly he couched his little hammer and was showered in Divine Aura. He trotted gleefully towards the entrance, chuckling as blow after blow was apprehended by Divine Aura.

The orcs stopped in bewilderment as the moleman crossed the threshold of Clan Crushbone, vanishing into the Faydark night. They mulled about for a few moments before shuffling off. Tekilia took note of everything that had transpired and silently pursued the band of orcs. As she neared the small procession, she loosed a shuriken in the back of a straggler.

"I'll teach you to interfere with me Tekilia!" It howled as it rushed towards her.

It's companions, blissfully unaware of her presence, paid it no mind, assuming it mad as was common among orcs. Tekilia was mildly perturbed that the beast knew her name, but was not so surprised. She was a girl of particular renown and her fame had only grown with her valorous defense of Freeport and liberation of the Faydark.Tekilia withdrew her thick rods and pummeled the inkskin senseless, before extinguishing its miserable existence with a round kick to the side of its head.

Chaos danced to the terrified cries of nooblettes. Orcs were everywhere. Corpses littered the ground, the torn and disfigurd remains of man and elf and orc alike, a flood of color in a ghastly landscape.

A fresh-faced adventurer ran by screaming, the tops of his bare little small-man feet bleeding profusely. An orc legionnaire followed in hot pursuit, a bloody mat in each fist.

"You are no match for a legionnaire!"

Tekilia burst to action, her majestic bosom bouncing furiously as she pummeled the orc legionnaire.

"STOP!" squealed a voice form her left. Tekilia crushed the orc legionnaire's skull with one of her thick rods before turning to the source. A monk in a pink robe and a gay-looking hat stared angrily at her as he flailed his arms stupidly at a pack of rabid orcs that seemed more interested with a lone wolf in front of them. The wolf panted contentedly, it's long tongue lolling from the side of its mouth as the orcs tried over and again in vain to strike it. Lost to a volatile mixture of rage and frustration, some ran off swinging viciously at the nearest unsuspecting noob they could find.

"THAT orc and its slaughter are the domain of the Kelethin Adventruers Union, subject to its rules, regulations and by-laws notwithstanding the Greater Norrathian Criminal Code and YOU are in VIOLATION of Paragraphs I through M of Article G, Section A, Subsection Y," he squealed smuggly "and I quote..."

Screams of agony rang out as more unsuspecting nooblettes fell victim to the madness spiraling out from the pink monk. Tekilia rushed toward the whimpering halfling (he had fallen in flight) as the monk droned on.

"I've secured permits for the slaughter of all orc kind in this zone. You will be leaving now. Thank you!" he squeaked rudely.

"I don't care!" she hissed in righteous fury through a clenched jaw as she scopped up the little man in her arms and began binding his wounds. The little man squirmed at first, but then calmed in her care, softly nuzzling the pillowy comfort of her prodigious bosom as she worked.

"You're carelessness critically injured and could have KILLED this little man," she growled as her soft hands delicatley bound the halflings wounded feet. Finishing she sat him on the ground and turned to the monk. The dazed halfling stared longingly up at Tekilia.

"You are disturbing the peace!" She barked "BE GONE!"

"Y-you have no right!" stammered the monk in his high pitch voice.

Tekilia challenged him with nothing more than the severity of her expression. The monk jumped and took off running for the entrance, the white wolf at his heels. The enraged pack of orcs followed, then as before all fell calm as the orcs slowly shuffled back to their posts.

"Adventurers, the chaos is at an end. The jackasses have departed. Fear not, you may resume your activities in peace!" she shouted.

The whole of clan crushbone erupted with wild cheers of appreciation as adventurers returned to their business.

And so it was that Tekilia Pu'Tang, Savior of Faydark, Defender of Freeport, Heir to the Pu'Tang throne brought a measure of order to the wild enclave of crushbone. For three nights and three days she battled orc soldiers in the courtyard of Clan Crushbone. On the eve of the fourth night Tekilia stood triumphantly in a field of carnage, her prodigious bosom perched proudly above the trophies of her conquest. Dozens of Crushbone Belts wrapped Tekilia's mid-section from her under-bust down past her ass cheeks as testament to her successful infiltration of Clan Crushbone.

[Varren]

Well done. Crushbone seems a brutal place. Never seen a fictional adaptation of the perverse practice of that monk and mysterious white wolf, but this does a good job. Had me laughing a few times. Looking forward to the next...

[Jotei]

Thank you so much! I am glad you enjoyed it. The events are all rooted in real events though ^^ I am simply telling the tale... With a bit of embellishment here and there. Parts 2 and 3 of Crushboned! should be out this weekend. Stay Tuned!

[wharfrat70]

Thanks for the lunchtime entertainment :)