Let me tell you a really sad story.

[magnetaress]

Back in 2001 after the towers got blewn up I, homeless and retarded signed up to the military to blow shit up and be an angry fgt 1st class (not my actchual rank but close enough).

I was really dumb and flunked Jump school because I was a major fgt and retard.

Then I was asigned the USASMA as a nerd to keep the bigger idiots trained. That was pretty fun for awhile. They were really cool ass motherfuckers and I loved it, except I was still retarded and mentally ill.

I shipped out to Drum, to go hang with the 10th mountain division, but attempted suicide and they got kinda pissed at me, but were real cool dudes about it anyway, even offered to let me stay on base and work as a civvy, so I got out of the service after 4 yrs of being a loser and a failure.

I left there to go to SLC where I hooked up with this psycho girl because i was a desperate incel. Who was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, and tried to knife myself in the throat and most likely succeeded, and this is hell and my punishment. She stole all my old cameras and cool file photos of me in uniform, and my dad has all my other pictures. (we don't talk still after all these years)

But if you want to see my award from USASMA and my photoID and a few beach shots and xmas shots for u to compare you can click the spoiler below. I can't promise it will stay online for ever, i'll probalby delete it in a few days or hrs.


https://i.imgur.com/7gFVArT.jpg


Yeah. I am a total and complete failure, but I got to hobnob with some incredible people in the military. Some amazing foreign dignitaries. Go fuck up but some how graduate PLDC at Fort Bliss back in like 03 or 4 or whatever. And I don't regret it a bit. They probably put all the suicide prevention stuff up there because of me.

Look. My life isn't something I'm proud of. I did what I had to do to fucking survive. And if I had it to do over again, I would have fought harder, and been more grateful for the opportunity to serve along side these incredible people and I would still be serving them today, even if it is just a warm fucking meal in the VA hospital.

Just getting to go to Ft Benning as a male, before they unisexed everything and know what it was like to go through that amazing training program with an Amazing Drill Sgt who took my crazy ass want to kill and shoot up my school, and formed it into an honorable fucking soldier. We sung songs of glorious carnage and I learned that despite all my failings and horrible circumstance, despite being locked the fuck up in the insane asylum as a little kid and tortured with psychiatric medicine. I still could make the bar, the cut.

I just wish I still could. And I'm sad that the world is so fucked up, because I really do want to fix it, no matter what it takes. And I am a lot less angry for having had the experience and privilage of being in the Army. Everyone should consider it. It will make you a better person, no matter who you are. Or what retarded shit you believe in. I just hope we don't have to send poor kids to get chopped the fuck up for some petty ass bullshit politics one day.

[BarnabusCollins]

Fought harder... for what

[magnetaress]

Fought harder... for what

For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms to be retards @ home and jerk off at anime porn while eating GMO free munchies ya retard.

--- Fought harder to stay sane. Stay in the military. Earn $$$ and fix my mom's house, help out my brother. Save the lives of the poor fuckers who stayed in after I left. Etc... Just make the world a better place, the military is where I had the most agency to do that in my entire life. It's been down hill only since then.

[BarnabusCollins]

"For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms"

1. stay the fuck off their land its not yours

2. they never fucked with any freedoms, but they were the scapegoat of 9.11

You went crazy because you were going against the will of God Almighty. Change it.

Love one another, as I have loved you, He said.

[Danth]

Trying to cut your own throat is pretty hardcore. Most men simply use a pistol. You must have been in a pretty bad place. I assume you left out the worst of it; if so, that's good sense. This forum has too many posters who want to pick a fight to have much value as a support group. You're not a total failure though. If you were you'd be posting from a prison cell or from the hereafter.

You said things have gone downhill. What do you regard as your own greatest obstacle to finding stability?

Danth

[magnetaress]

"For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms"

1. stay the fuck off their land its not yours

2. they never fucked with any freedoms, but they were the scapegoat of 9.11

You went crazy because you were going against the will of God Almighty. Change it.

Love one another, as I have loved you, He said.

Believe you me. I wish life were this simple. You may be right about going against God's will. In the present. I respect how you feel. I wish you well with all the good will I can spare.

Thank you.

Trying to cut your own throat is pretty hardcore. Most men simply use a pistol. You must have been in a pretty bad place. I assume you left out the worst of it; if so, that's good sense. This forum has too many posters who want to pick a fight to have much value as a support group. You're not a total failure though. If you were you'd be posting from a prison cell or from the hereafter.

You said things have gone downhill. What do you regard as your own greatest obstacle to finding stability?

Danth

You're right. Yeah, I didn't post out of need for support. At least not consciously. I won't rule out the subconscious. My attempted suicides have all been real fun(tm). Not really. I shouldn't glorify it. And that isn't my intention. I have struggled deeply with self hatred.

I didn't want to engage in psychotherapy here. Let's just say there is buried within my psyche the kind of monster the likes of which only God has seen. Whenever I try to do good or God's will. I end up going over the knifes edge and I have very very bad impulse control. I don't think I have resolved anything from that traumatic moment that wound me up restrained, and drugged in a children's hospital mental ward. I have not been able to solo my way out of that hell for any long period of time. And I think the only reason I made it as far as I did in the military is because there was a legitimate target for that monster to be directed towards. I can't word it. I'm not in the appropriate emotional state to really tackle this and answer this question right now.

It's just real bad man. And Thanks for thinking about it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

My greatest, and deepest hope is that others can learn from my mistakes. My failures. And that my life as wretched and stupid as it has been. Well. Someone will learn to not neglect a child, or to do the right thing and stand up for what's right. I wasn't able to kill the monster in my pscyche. I don't even know why I have been spared prison.

I should be in prison. I should have been strapped down to a table and euthanized. Just for being such a failure, defective waste of life alone. But that's niether here, nor there, it's pointless to dwell on that. I'm actually kinda upset that people are keeping me alive on life support. I really don't deserve it. I should just die. I don't want to kill myself again though. I can't go through that again. Last time, was in 2018 and I did it in the VA psyche ward to spare my family the grief of watching me do it in front of them. It wasn't a good idea and I regret it. I am afraid I finally succeeded and this is my personal hell, which I must finally accept until my brain completely dies the rest of the way.

[Woke Locc]

Cotard or Maim-ed Flower?

[magnetaress]

Cotard or Maim-ed Flower?

Don't make fun or delete, I don't want to be double posted, but I wish to be Maim-ed Flower.

Cotard would really suck. Yuck.

-----

I will say when people go to draw blood from me I have near panic and feel like I'm being violated and my agency and choice is not in play. Like I have to let them take it if I don't they'll hurt me worse.

[Woke Locc]

Don't make fun or delete, I don't want to be double posted, but I wish to be Maim-ed Flower.

Cotard would really suck. Yuck.

-----

I will say when people go to draw blood from me I have near panic and feel like I'm being violated and my agency and choice is not in play. Like I have to let them take it if I don't they'll hurt me worse.

great name for a necro though :cool:

[Danth]

I will say when people go to draw blood from me I have near panic and feel like I'm being violated and my agency and choice is not in play. Like I have to let them take it if I don't they'll hurt me worse.

You would not have liked the nurses I had the last time I was in the hospital. Trying to put in an IV they failed...and failed...and failed. Apparently I have "squiggly veins" to use their technical terminology. Between both arms it took 17 tries across three nurses before they finally got one that worked.

[kjs86z]

weird flex but ok

[magnetaress]

You would not have liked the nurses I had the last time I was in the hospital. Trying to put in an IV they failed...and failed...and failed. Apparently I have "squiggly veins" to use their technical terminology. Between both arms it took 17 tries across three nurses before they finally got one that worked.

Trying to stay out of the hospital big time. I feel for you. That is awful. :(

I would say "at least you're still here" but heh.

Danth, thanks for taking these precious moments to chitchat.

The storm that hit us last night has moved on. I really need to go sit outside in the fresh sunlight and stare up into the sky.

I'll be around today randomly. Take care.

weird flex but ok

https://i.imgur.com/SNRtVwl.jpg

-------------
This is about historical stuff here, essentially.

On the upside, things could be worse, and I really shouldn't complain. This isn't a thread about complaining.
I'm in a better place now.

[Morton Jr]

Yea id blurry and photoshopped but cool story bro not 1 picture LOL

[magnetaress]

Yea id blurry and photoshopped but cool story bro not 1 picture LOL

You can believe whatever you want, that's the great thing about this country.

ID and stuff blurry and I'm not giving you my SSN cuz last thing I need is you to try pretending to be me or stalk me or something.

The bottom line, is I don't care if you believe me or not, this is my story. Take it or leave it. If you don't want to believe it and that helps you get by in life without worrying about wierdos like me even existing at all. I'm grateful. Man, survive.

All I wanted was a few moments in time to tell my tale, and I did. Now I can rest for the rest of today and be happy knowing I still have at least this much life left in me.

[Topgunben]

Back in 2001 after the towers got blewn up I, homeless and retarded signed up to the military to blow shit up and be an angry fgt 1st class (not my actchual rank but close enough).

I was really dumb and flunked Jump school because I was a major fgt and retard.

Then I was asigned the USASMA as a nerd to keep the bigger idiots trained. That was pretty fun for awhile. They were really cool ass motherfuckers and I loved it, except I was still retarded and mentally ill.

I shipped out to Drum, to go hang with the 10th mountain division, but attempted suicide and they got kinda pissed at me, but were real cool dudes about it anyway, even offered to let me stay on base and work as a civvy, so I got out of the service after 4 yrs of being a loser and a failure.

I left there to go to SLC where I hooked up with this psycho girl because i was a desperate incel. Who was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, and tried to knife myself in the throat and most likely succeeded, and this is hell and my punishment. She stole all my old cameras and cool file photos of me in uniform, and my dad has all my other pictures. (we don't talk still after all these years)

But if you want to see my award from USASMA and my photoID and a few beach shots and xmas shots for u to compare you can click the spoiler below. I can't promise it will stay online for ever, i'll probalby delete it in a few days or hrs.


https://i.imgur.com/7gFVArT.jpg


Yeah. I am a total and complete failure, but I got to hobnob with some incredible people in the military. Some amazing foreign dignitaries. Go fuck up but some how graduate PLDC at Fort Bliss back in like 03 or 4 or whatever. And I don't regret it a bit. They probably put all the suicide prevention stuff up there because of me.

Look. My life isn't something I'm proud of. I did what I had to do to fucking survive. And if I had it to do over again, I would have fought harder, and been more grateful for the opportunity to serve along side these incredible people and I would still be serving them today, even if it is just a warm fucking meal in the VA hospital.

Just getting to go to Ft Benning as a male, before they unisexed everything and know what it was like to go through that amazing training program with an Amazing Drill Sgt who took my crazy ass want to kill and shoot up my school, and formed it into an honorable fucking soldier. We sung songs of glorious carnage and I learned that despite all my failings and horrible circumstance, despite being locked the fuck up in the insane asylum as a little kid and tortured with psychiatric medicine. I still could make the bar, the cut.

I just wish I still could. And I'm sad that the world is so fucked up, because I really do want to fix it, no matter what it takes. And I am a lot less angry for having had the experience and privilage of being in the Army. Everyone should consider it. It will make you a better person, no matter who you are. Or what retarded shit you believe in. I just hope we don't have to send poor kids to get chopped the fuck up for some petty ass bullshit politics one day.

Thank you for your service. Over the years I have followed your posts (I do think you should put the lineage of all your forum accounts-banned in your signature). I can tell you are a troubled person, but at the same time you are a very decent person as well.

I can relate to that feeling that you spoke of when joining the military. There is a sense of belonging and duty that is much bigger than yourself. I didn’t join the military, but did something similar to it right out of high school.

Some people are going to be assholes to you, and have been (myself included). I wish you didn’t have the struggles you have, but I’m glad you are sticking around and living life the best way you know how. If ever you need something or someone to chat with, I’m happy to help with what I have.

[Morton Jr]

13557

[magnetaress]

Thank you for your service. Over the years I have followed your posts (I do think you should put the lineage of all your forum accounts-banned in your signature). I can tell you are a troubled person, but at the same time you are a very decent person as well.

I can relate to that feeling that you spoke of when joining the military. There is a sense of belonging and duty that is much bigger than yourself. I didn’t join the military, but did something similar to it right out of high school.

Some people are going to be assholes to you, and have been (myself included). I wish you didn’t have the struggles you have, but I’m glad you are sticking around and living life the best way you know how. If ever you need something or someone to chat with, I’m happy to help with what I have.

You've turned out to be one of the coolest people on these boards. I appreciate all the years of back and forth, and I think I have changed a lot. Hope I have. In like 2014 I would have been super angry and wouldn't have given you the time of day. Now I think I can truly appreciate where you're coming from. And even agree.

Thank you, as well.

13557

This is hilarious and tru, it's as easy as you make it look. I would still hang with you in the VA psyche ward tho.

[GinnasP99]

You need to forgive your mother. That's why you've assumed a female identity, you take on the identity of whoever you are angry at. Forgive you mother, return to your father, then you can actually live (and hopefully stop attempting to kill yourself)

[Topgunben]

You need to forgive your mother. That's why you've assumed a female identity, you take on the identity of whoever you are angry at. Forgive you mother, return to your father, then you can actually live (and hopefully stop attempting to kill yourself)

That’s kind of overly simplistic, might be true, might not.

My guess is that most of gender dysphoria spawns from an abusive and traumatic childhood. Jordan Peterson talks a lot about how Trauma at an early age can force the victims of such Trauma into “outlier” categories.

I had a client last year who’s son was trans, but also autistic. Neither she nor her husband came off as the abusive types. They seemed to be supportive of their 25 year olds decision of thinking he was a girl instead of a boy. Why, or what in his brain was causing him to want to be something of the opposite sex? I really don’t know, but it is unfortunate because irrespective of morality, being a tranny is not an easy or safe lifestyle.

Sometimes I wonder, and this is really just speculation, but do trans people feel that they need to switch to the opposite sex because they feel they are unable to compete with the same sex with regards to coupling? Is there some type of built in evolutionary switch that forces these types of thoughts, all the while being unable to make the physical change because our biology is so different than it was millions upon millions of years ago?

[Topgunben]

I might also add that the desire to make that switch to the opposite gender, driven by the idea that one is not desireable is not necessarily grounded in reality.

Think of Bruce Jenner. Lots of women wanted him, and he had no real problem bagging some of the best looking ladies around. Even in his older years, with his money and fame, plenty of women were still into him.

[Cecily]

It doesn't feel good to be called handsome when you wish you were beautiful.

[magnetaress]

@Topgunben

I'd like to address your ideas, theories, assertions some. Not really in this thread and now isn't a good time. I think there's some grains of truth in them and it's food for thought. Especially the ancestral switch theory.

It doesn't feel good to be called handsome when you wish you were beautiful.

Yeah. That sums up a lot to me. It means the world when a man adores me. Even though I can't really reciprocate beyond doing something nice for them or giving them my attention. It's sweet when women accept me and appreciate my efforts and artistry or esthetics. Aesthetics? The freedom to style myself completely unbound by the stereotype of my birth sexes norms and actually be respected and appreciated for it is liberating and uplifting.

Anyway, doubt I'll dive heavily into the Trans stuff on this forum again. It's just not at the forefront as it used to be.

[imperiouskitten]

You need to forgive your mother. That's why you've assumed a female identity, you take on the identity of whoever you are angry at. Forgive you mother, return to your father, then you can actually live (and hopefully stop attempting to kill yourself)

freud is to cocaine as _____ is to benzodiazepines

[imperiouskitten]

That’s kind of overly simplistic, might be true, might not.

My guess is that most of gender dysphoria spawns from an abusive and traumatic childhood. Jordan Peterson talks a lot about how Trauma at an early age can force the victims of such Trauma into “outlier” categories.

I had a client last year who’s son was trans, but also autistic. Neither she nor her husband came off as the abusive types. They seemed to be supportive of their 25 year olds decision of thinking he was a girl instead of a boy. Why, or what in his brain was causing him to want to be something of the opposite sex? I really don’t know, but it is unfortunate because irrespective of morality, being a tranny is not an easy or safe lifestyle.

Sometimes I wonder, and this is really just speculation, but do trans people feel that they need to switch to the opposite sex because they feel they are unable to compete with the same sex with regards to coupling? Is there some type of built in evolutionary switch that forces these types of thoughts, all the while being unable to make the physical change because our biology is so different than it was millions upon millions of years ago?

oh you actually mentioned him.

Jordan Peterson has vanished for the last 2 years because he was taking benzodiazepines as directed and "didn't know" they were dangerously addictive. You can go through his videos chronologically and watch the progression of his addiction. When the camera starts with the soft-focus and he gets the GQ makeover, he starts being loaded while he dishes out all that brilliant psych advice. For some reason it has taken him two years to come down from his very normal prescribed dose in various Russian clinics. He can barely speak in his most recent video; he's gripped by PAWS.

He's a hack, actor and liar. I am an actual neuroscientist and molecular biologist (from a university not in Nowhere, Canada). If you ever do want to learn something just ask. There won't be simple Freudian narrative platitudes that do nothing but satisfy jello-brains tho, and all happen to back up the worldview of uneducated manosphere buffoons. That's pop-science nonsense and if you speak it thinking you're being intellectual, intellectuals put both hands to both temples. Thanks for triggering me

[imperiouskitten]

Sometimes I wonder, and this is really just speculation, but do trans people feel that they need to switch to the opposite sex because they feel they are unable to compete with the same sex with regards to coupling? Is there some type of built in evolutionary switch that forces these types of thoughts, all the while being unable to make the physical change because our biology is so different than it was millions upon millions of years ago?

this has been addressed with the jenner comment, but here's a case study -- i did well with girls, but never knew what to do with them. I was always a "pretty boy", valedictorian and what not and had plenty of offers. after courting and getting into bed I just couldn't penetrate a girl, despite many attempts. I tried picking up one-nighters from a bar, I tried building rapport over a long time. I tried girls in my race, outside my race. Ugly girls, skinny girls, beautiful intellectual rich girls, greasy party girls. Kind girls and rude girls. Nothing worked and humiliating experiences stacked up and, even worse, I always felt as though I was manipulating these women and experimenting on them like some sort of creep. Even tho in my heart i wasn't creepin it just wasn't genuine. I thought of myself as heterosexual for a pretty long time but it just didn't work right.

[Topgunben]

oh you actually mentioned him.

Jordan Peterson......

He's a hack, actor and liar. I am an actual neuroscientist and molecular biologist (from a university not in Nowhere, Canada). If you ever do want to learn something just ask. There won't be simple Freudian narrative platitudes that do nothing but satisfy jello-brains tho, and all happen to back up the worldview of uneducated manosphere buffoons. That's pop-science nonsense and if you speak it thinking you're being intellectual, intellectuals put both hands to both temples. Thanks for triggering me

Jordan Peterson is pretty good at quoting scientific journals. If you disagree with him, use data to do so. All you have done is throw around a bunch of catchy phrases in attempt to discredit him. I thought better of you.

[imperiouskitten]

Jordan Peterson is pretty good at quoting scientific journals. If you disagree with him, use data to do so. All you have done is throw around a bunch of catchy phrases in attempt to discredit him. I thought better of you.

"use data" to disprove 1890s freudian narrative psychology?

he claims to be an expert, but expects you to believe he didn't know benzos are highly addictive. he's a transparent grifter muh man

[Topgunben]

this has been addressed with the jenner comment, but here's a case study -- i did well with girls, but never knew what to do with them. I was always a "pretty boy", valedictorian and what not and had plenty of offers. after courting and getting into bed I just couldn't penetrate a girl, despite many attempts. I tried picking up one-nighters from a bar, I tried building rapport over a long time. I tried girls in my race, outside my race. Ugly girls, skinny girls, beautiful intellectual rich girls, greasy party girls. Kind girls and rude girls. Nothing worked and humiliating experiences stacked up and, even worse, I always felt as though I was manipulating these women and experimenting on them like some sort of creep. Even tho in my heart i wasn't creepin it just wasn't genuine. I thought of myself as heterosexual for a pretty long time but it just didn't work right.

I remember you speaking of some sort of ailment to your nether reasons that caused pain. I imagine that would really suck when trying to be intimate with someone.

When you say you just couldnt penetrate, are you saying you were unable to sustain an erection? or is there something else going on there like you just couldnt bring yourself to copulation?

[Topgunben]

"use data" to disprove 1890s freudian narrative psychology?

he claims to be an expert, but expects you to believe he didn't know benzos are highly addictive. he's a transparent grifter muh man

You and I can both agree that when it comes to introspection, it can be difficult to be honest, especially when one's pride is on the line.

[imperiouskitten]

I remember you speaking of some sort of ailment to your nether reasons that caused pain. I imagine that would really suck when trying to be intimate with someone.

When you say you just couldnt penetrate, are you saying you were unable to sustain an erection? or is there something else going on there like you just couldnt bring yourself to copulation?

sorta combo -- gripping anxiety that'd preclude any maintenance of an erection. I also had pretty weak erections because of that illness you allude to. But I would say it was mainly in my head, a terrific anxiety about copulation, feeling like I didn't want to be there, that there was no actual desire etc.

[Woke Locc]

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down

[magnetaress]

Thread was zero about trans except that I posted it. I framed OP neutrally and the intent was to admit my failings and illustrate my experiences in a frame that was relatable.

Probably shouldn't have posted at all. Like I said it wasn't about me, but subconsciously I really wanted to get it off my chest.

I think flunking jump school really hurt me.

[Topgunben]

Thread was zero about trans except that I posted it. I framed OP neutrally and the intent was to admit my failings and illustrate my experiences in a frame that was relatable.

Probably shouldn't have posted at all. Like I said it wasn't about me, but subconsciously I really wanted to get it off my chest.

I think flunking jump school really hurt me.

Were you at fort Bragg?

[magnetaress]

Were you at fort Bragg?

Where else do you get trained to get thrown out of an Airplane? I got to do field duty in the jump zone. Looking out for people and calling someone if they got stuck in a tree (didn't happen while I was there). That was kinda cool.

Ya. They did their best to look after me. You'd be surprised at how many wash out. We had our own barracks. Someone was there long enough to have GTA on a console under their bunk.

One guy had a gory injury where the cable nearly ripped off his forearm.

The Jimmy Dean lunches was nice.

[Danth]

One guy had a gory injury where the cable nearly ripped off his forearm.

Blood on the Risers: Not just gallows humor.

[magnetaress]

Blood on the Risers: Not just gallows humor.

Drill Sgt jumped over Panama or somesuch south American, can't remember. I don't think he was screwing with us when he talked about it.

[Tunabros]

feels bad man