Sk8er gnome

[Elleve]

I happen to have the old Sk8er Gnome stories lying on my harddrive... I could post them here if anyone is interested in reading them again?

[Ropethunder]

It would help if you explained what the old Sk8er Gnome stories are? For those of us who don't know.

[Elleve]

Sk8er gnome is a series of stories written by a player about his (rather silly)adventures in EQ. It was originally posted on the castersrealm website.

[Rhalous]

I think some ppl have re-posted a few of the stories, but I say go ahead and do it!

[Ethanblack]

Sk8er gnome is a series of stories written by a player about his (rather silly)adventures in EQ. It was originally posted on the castersrealm website.

They're certainly worth the read. Old school chuckles to be had.

Fpr now, I present 'WASAAD', Good for a chuckle

I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.

I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. Gulp.

My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.

I forgot that I was in typing mode.

The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.

I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.

He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.

[Volga]

I would LOVE it if you'd post those.. They were effin hilarious

[FatMagic]

Doh! All of our old posts with links to Skater Gnome are down!

Repost them all, or put them up on the Wiki!

http://moestaverne.com/p1999wiki/index.php/Main_Page

[Kainzo]

MY BIG ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok i get home last night, right, and i turn on the monitor and
i guess what i see? my brothers account is at the character
selection screen, hehe.
so im very tempted to log his 60 enhcanter on but he said to
never ever play it, but that was BEFORE i leart everything
about eq with my 5 monk.

so im thinking about it and i decided to eat some ice cream.
so im eating ice cream and looking at the enchanter and eating
more ice cream and finally i push the ice cream aside and log
in Tyru (named changed duh)the enchanter

anyways im fealing reely tough and looking around but i dont
recognize where i am and thats wierd cause ive been in all 8
of the zones already with my monk

well then i get this tell

Rathmus tells you 'are you coming dragon nec with us?'

so i tell him 'which one?' cuase i dont know which dragon he
means

Rathmus tells you 'what..?'

i tell him 'which dragon duh'

and then theres this long pause and he says 'ummm, dragon
necropolis... the guild raid tonight. we're kill zoolander'

ROFL a bad guy named zoolander!!

so i tell him 'hahaha dude u r funny there is no mob named
zoolander, haha, haha.'

so then he says 'Tyru are you ok?'

so i say 'no dude im peeing my pants cause u r a funny guy'

so then there is this long pause again and he says 'just read
the motd and get out to WW asap'

WTF??!!

so im like 'omg dude, speak freakin enlgish wtf'

so i see in guild chat that a wizard is giving away pickups at
gbp.

well this i just HAVE to see. a pickup in eq, haha.

so i say to the guild 'where the hell is gbp??!!

and the wizard is like 'if you cant even remember that, you
should just click gate and find out'

so i gate and im in the dwarf snow town of whatever and there
is the wizard with a bunch of other ppl from the same clan.

so i say 'dude i want a pickup plz, a red one, or green and is
it faster than horses??'

so the wizard invites me and then before i could get a pickup
somehow i gated again!!

WTF, stupid enchanters, jezz.

anyways were all in colebelts scars again (where my 60 EQ2
monk is parked, if the dumb guy will ever give him to me) and
we all start running for like FOREVER. and we keep going and
going and going. so i say screw this im getting mor ice cream.
so i get some more ice cream and i turn on the tv and full
house is a reely stupid show btw.

so anyway i go back to the computer and i see im in the snow
dworf city again!!!

WTF stupid random gating crap hell is this??!!

so Rathmus tells me 'consent me'

and im like 'WTF??'

and he says 'consent me we're all waiting on you'

so im like 'waiting on me for what?'

and he doesn't answer and then he says 'consent me now'

so i say 'how?'

and he tells me.

anyway, i get this box offering me FREE EXP (prolly cause i
flirted with GM LONI yesterday) so i click it of course, my
brother will be so happy! but wouldn't you know it, that damn
enchanter gates again!!

so now im outside with everyone again and i see this corpse
with the same name as me, but im used to verants bugs now, so
i loot it.

then Rathmus says 'Buff here and when your group is buffed,
zone in. send tells now.'

so suddelny like 10 ppl send me a tell saying 'SoS'

OMG!! they must be in trouble, right

so i run over there to them and im yelling 'ill save you!' but
i dont see whats hurting them so bad that they have to say SOS
to me for. in fact they looked ok.

so now im getting like A HUNDRED TELLS saying 'sos plz'
or 'kei'.

WTF?!?

so im like 'dudes i dont speak french or whatever'

anyway we finally zone in and this big orge is running off and
suddenly THE SKELATON DRAGON APPEARS AND STARTS TO ATTACK HIM!

so i run out there and start hitting it, and hes a big sissy
cause hes running back toward the group. then it dawns on me
why everyone was saying 'sos'.

so im getting hurt real bad but then the whole group finally
comes out to fight it, those scaredy cats, and i say 'haha you
guys are scared sissys'

and the dragon dies and i jump up to get more ice cream and
THERES MY BROTHER STANDING BEHIND ME!

uh oh.

so his face is all red and his eyes are all big and hes
looking at me

so im like 'dude chill i just killed a dragon for you'

so he grabs me and puts me in a chair and grabs some duct tape
and wraps it all around me!! how ingrateful can you get!?!?

so i'm trying to tell him about the free 96% exp that the GM
gave him, but he wont listens he just keeps taping me

WTF??

so hes done taping me and he rolls me outside on the porch and
locks the door. so people are so unthankful.

anyway all in all it wasnt to bad, cause after an hour or so
he threw some icecream out the window and i was able to tip
the chair over and eat some while i waiting for him to cool
down and untape me.

i guess the lesson i learned is to nextime take MY monk to
kill the dragon and not my brother randomly-gating enchanter.
jezz.


hilarious

[Kainzo]

2nd
HOW IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok so eq2 is coming out now eh?
WTF??

what about all the hard work ive put into my characters?? is
it all going down the tolet??

well im not going to let that happen so a few hours ago i
logged onto eq

'selling reel good lvl 5 monk for USA dollars, send tell' i
start auctioning

im not going to let verant screw me. hell i have over ONE DAYS
PLAYED ON MY ACCOUNT!!

well i keep auctioning for awhile, and then this hot darkelf
chick walks up to me

GM LONI tells you 'hi skaterr. i wanted to remind you that
selling your account is against the EULA and is a bannable
action'

so i reply 'loni dude this is some damn hell crap. u r
scerwing us all with eq2 all my time on eq1 is worthless'

GM LONI tells you 'skaterr, eq1 is not going anywhere for a
long long time'

so then i get this idea cause i like to think outside the box
and stuff.

so i tell GM LONI 'hey hotcakes, r u going 2 be a gm on eq2???
cause if you are how about i give you like 20 platz and you
can pl me on eq2 or give me cool stuff'

GM LONI tells you 'it doesn't work that way skaterr. and im
not going to be a gm on eq2 that i know of'

well i figure she HAS to say that or she gets fired.

so i told her 'i know you cant say anything. shhhhhh. i wont
tell or anything, but just poke me twice if you will do it i
can keep a secret and your hot'

so she says 'consider this a warning skaterr. please re-read
the eula.'

so i tell her 'does that mean youll do it sweetcheeks??'

you know you have to flirt with these girl if you need
something they like that.

so i figure if i cant sell my account i may as well buy an eq2
accout

so i start auvtioning 'WTB EQ2 lvl60 MONK SEND TELL I HAVE 26
PLAT'

and this keeps going and i get a tell from a wizard named
savat.

savat tells you 'i have a level 60 monk on eq2 that i will
give you'

so i tell him 'really dude how much u are cool, haha'

savat tells you 'hes free. hes in a different zone right now i
can take you ther if you want'

so i tell him 'dude no i want and EQ2 monk not an EQ1 monk duh'

savat tells you 'no no this monk can play on both eq1 and eq2.
he can be played on both games. it costs extra to do that but
i already paid it'

what a deal, right?!?!

so i tell him 'dude lets go you are cool!'

so we group up and he gates me to Colebelts Scars zone and
then and then he goes linkdead.

so im waiting and waiting and he wont come back and then do
a /who all savat and i see hes in north freeport again!!

WTF??

so i tell him 'dude omg wtf??!! im waiting in Colebelt Scars!!'

and he says 'hold on im getting the monk but i have to keep it
a secret or the gm's will find out. just fight some wyrvens
while you wait.'

so i was scared cause its a new zone but hey, im level 5 now
so i dont think many things can hurt me

but just then i had to log cause it was time to go skating but
i just wanted to say..

dude eq2 will rock with my lvl 60 monk and if anyone wants me
to pl them, just send me a tell on eq2. savat told me the
monks name was joo suxors, which i thought was a pretty dumb
name but hey, i didn't choose it.

[Kainzo]

3rd

BRAVE BRAVE ME, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

well i did it again. i ran over to commons west side (the
scary side) to try to hunt some things
anyway im running around getting losk and i see this guy named
dervish walking slow

so i run up to him and hail him and he ignores me but im used
to that here in commons west. so he keeps walking an i keep
hailing him but still getting ignored

so im like 'dude i was going to help you and tell you how to
turn on run so you can get
places faster but now i wont, haha'

and he STILL ignores me.

so i say 'dude you think your tough but i fought 4 lvl 59s
yesterday and lived'

well now im mad cause hes ignoring me and keeps walking but i
see hes wearing no gear and im going to teach him a lesson

so i attack him and i cant hit him that hard but he sure is
beating me up fast and suddenly like 10 of his friends all run
out to help him

but check this out. suddenly i see their exploiting cause ALL
OF THEM ARE NAEMED THE SAME THING

so im shouting 'dervish your a cheater you expoiter!!'

and now im almost dead and suddenly im at full health and i
turn around and its this elf guy behind me and he says 'need
some help?'

finally someones talking to me so i tell him that he can run
faster by clicking the "WALK" button at the bottom of the
screen.

and hes like 'huh?'

and i said 'i tried to tell dervish but that punk wouldn't
listen'

well wouldnt you believe it the elf guy starts to do speels on
me too, just like the meen ppl from yesterday

and elfguy says 'you better run'

and i say 'im not scared of you'

and he says 'huh?'

and i say 'im a lvl 5 monk, haha, whats up now? YOU better run'

and he just stands there

and then he says 'n00b' and leaves.

and i shout at him WTF is a n00b im a MONK ARE YOU DEAF!!>??

and this dervish guys is beating me up bad now that elf guy
left so i run and and im faster and dervish is following me
with his band of cheaters. well i see another group killing
some stuff, so i run over there and say 'hey wanna help me
kill some exploiters?'

and then dervish run up to me with his dirty no good friends
and kills me quick

so i died come back in freeport east and suddenly im getting
all these tells

sakan tells you 'dude thanks for the train, n00b'

OMG WTF???

so im like 'sakan wtf are you dumb this is fantasy, no trains
in EQ'

then..

critol tells me 'you are a total n00b dude'

WTF??

so now im wondering if n00b is like a nice name for a monk, or
something cause i hear it alot.

anyway im staying awayt frum common west side forever unless
nicer people play there

laterz

[Kainzo]

4th

WHY SO MEAN, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok im on mithranieil mar and i was in commons west side and I
was lost and running around and asking for help. and this
wizard says 'i can help you'
and i say 'dude thanks cause im lost'

and he says 'click follow'

and i say 'i AM following u just start runnin'

and he says 'have it your way'

and we start running and we load a zone and then im in common
east side and im like 'thx dude'

and then im like 'can you give me exp'

and he says 'im 59'

and i say 'kool tihs should be easy!!!!!'

but then he casts a spell and i start floating and sudden i
have a SKULL on my screen!!

so I shout dude y r u trying to kil me???!!!!??!?!

and i start running to guards but he can run faster than me
and i say 'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT WHAT ARE YOU DOIN>>>??

and hes laughing at me and says 'i just amazed cause i didnt
think you really exsisted anymore'

and i say 'WHAT??!!'

and he says 'true newbies'

WTF??

and im like 'dude im a monk'

and then like 4 other ppl show up all in the same clan as him
and are looking at me

and their jus stadin there lookin and i say 'are u guyz gonna
kill me'

and the other guys start casting spells and try to root me and
i start running and a see a boot on my screen under the skull
but somehow it didn't root me, and i was getting away to the
tunnel

and i shout 'please stop killing me!!!!!'

but they are chasing me and i have to stop cause the ruins are
between me and the tunnel

and they catch up and wizard says 'see, i told you'

and his friend say 'amazing'

and i say 'KANT YOU PLZ KILL SOMEONE ELSE???!!!'

and they are laughing and ROLF whatever the hell that means

and so the girl in the group sits down and stands up and
starts doing a speel

and i think im not dying without a fight so i try to hit her
and i cant but shes casting all this yellow stuff on me and
its not hurting me!!! so im feeling pretty tough and she gives
up and i have ALL this spells on me and im still not dead!!

i rule

anyway i say 'haha you cant kill me'

and she says' tell ya what, lets call it a draw'

and i say what?

and she says 'a tie lets call it a tie'

and i say ok

and the wizard says 'safe travels to you, skaterr'

and im like 'whatever dude your just sayin that cause you cant
kill me'

and they are all laughing at him cause he cant kill me and
they wavee to me and leave

i logged real quick incase they try to come back again

so are all high levels punks like that who will try to kill me
or did i meat the bad aapples??

all in all i reelized that commons westside is way to
dangerous for me

[Kainzo]

5th

Act of Agression, By Skater Gnome


omg i meating the stupidist ppl in the whole world on mith marr for real

liek las night im explore this brand new zone called south ro to try and find a place to ding to 6 (im veary close to lvl, its esay cause im a monk)

so im like reely scared in this new zone and i get across the desert safe and then suddenly i see this whole camp of orc standing there and im liek 'sweet action'

so im get redy to move in to attack and sudden this palidin called lovehart come running up in front of me

and hes like 'halt'

and im liek 'um hi wtf??'

and hes liek 'u may not comit a unprovoked attack on tht peaceful camp of orc'

and im like 'huh???'

and hes like 'i do not premit u to kill them 4 no reson'

and im like 'wtf dude i need to kill the orc to get experience'

and hes liek 'i will not tolerate acts of aggerssion agianst the peacful orc, warmonger go bakc to where you came'

and im liek 'omg lamer the orcs are here to be kilt for EXP!!

and hes like 'i know your kind u think everything is here for u to kill whenever it benifit u huh?'

and im like 'uh pretty much ya'

and so he shouts to the zone 'hey everyone sktergnome is a terrorist!!'

WTF

so i can be pretty smart at times as u may no so i decide to try to give this guy some ration

so im liek 'ok dude orc are evil and attack and kill innocent players all the tiem so i can kill them rightful k??'

and he like 'it doesnt matter they did nothing to u at all'

and im liek 'OMG THEY KILT ME LAST WEEK IN NORTH RO!!!'

and hes liek 'that is a different group of orc that attack u. u have no prove taht they are related to this camp of orc in any way. u cant attak this group jjust cause they look the same u racist'

so im getting preety mad and flabergasted and hes standing there lookin g at me and some of his other friends show up and im ponder the situation

and his friends are liek 'is this the warmonger?'

and hes liek 'ya'

and suddenly i remember that mith marr is no pvp and they cant touch me haha

so im liek 'ive decided to kill the orcs anyway'

and theyre like 'not-uh we just had a vote and voted against u attacking them so now u cant'

so im liek 'whatever stop me if you want pallypants'

and then i move into the camp and start my sweet ninja kicking action

so liek the whole time lovehart and his friends are all shouting to the whole zone 'skatter is babykiller' and 'skatter is a racist and warmonger'

so i finish the kill of orcs and im liek 'whats up now haha'

and they're talk for a moment among themselvs an then the pally is like 'hey dude we dont agree with what u just did but can we loot plz?'

im thinkin about quiting eq

[Kainzo]

6th

Response to the Quon, by Skater Gnome


wow ok

i don reely know how to tell this story becasue it is so bizare

ok so liek its sunday morning and i siting on the couch waching cartons and eating ice cream but im still kind of groggy from al the good sleep ive been geting sence dr. henderson told me it was time to take a break from eq

so im siting there singing along with the transfomers theme song when the phon rings

so i anwser it and im liek 'ya'

but theres no talk just this hevy brething on the line and im liek 'ok fag ur not funny hello'

and so this super creepy guy voise is liek 'is this skater gnome'

so i get a litle freeked out so im liek 'uhh no, this is skater dome, with a d, u must hav teh rong number'

*click*

so i call j-mo and im liek 'fag did u jus call me?'

and hes liek 'WHO IS THIS'

and im like 'is me@!' and hes liek 'skater??' an im like 'umm ya tard who did u thik it was??'

and hes 'ohhh good ok i got a reel creepy call liek 10 min ago'

and im liek 'omg me too!!1'

and then were both liek 'wtf' at the same tiem which was so funy and we laughed but then got serius again cause we were pretty scare

so j-mos like 'im coming over'

and im liek 'ok cool ill practis my nija kicks while i wait'

and hes liek 'just dont hurt ur self remeber u r not a reel monk'

and im like 'whatever man'

someday theyll see i reely am

so i hang up and practise thunderus kick to the beat with the tranformer music all arond the living room

so the dore bell ring an im liek 'dude u dont have to nock just come in'

so the door opens and...

it wasnt j-mo

instad it is this dude that looks liek he should be a boss mob in Everquest Gay Edition

its this midle age looking guy and hes wearing leather pants waty too tight and this old torn leapord skin coat that caked with dirt and mud and hes all scruffy and hunched over and his eye and neck is twitching and his bare stomack hanging is out over his belt

so he starts hobling in to the living room on clear platform shoes with dead goldfish floting insid them but the heel is missing on one so hes not moving vary fas

so all of the suden he stops and hes liek 'r u skater gnome??' and its the same creepy voic from the telephone

so im a little shaky and l and i try to yeel out 'u have ruined ur own lands u will not ruim mine!' but all that comes out is a wimper

needliss to say i was way to scareed to try thunderus kick and i started to wonder if maybe dr henderson was rite about me not being a monk after all

so then this guy is liek 'THE QUON HAS AXED U A QUESTION ANSWER THE QUON NOW' and he starts twitching reely bad again

WTF

so im liek 'dude why r u here'

and hes like 'the quon is here to demand that u quit riting skater stories'

and im liek 'wtf who the hell in the quon??'

and he like 'the quon is a eq humorist and mofo badass. but fur some reson not enogh ppl like me so the quon is here to make u quit riting so ur fans forget u and liek me insted'

i think he was drunk cause at that part he almost stumbled an fell over

so im like 'omg dude wtf have u evar stoped to think that this doesnt have to be a contest?? u dont need to attaak ur peers just to feel good abot ur own work. u will get much more enjoymint if you stop riting stoies just to try to feel good abot urself and make people leik u, and start riting stories becuse its fun to share with others'

at this point i see j-mo sneeking up the porch behind drunk flaming homless prostatute guy with his skate bored raise over his head

but i give j-mo the eye and shake my head cause this guy reely seems more pathetic than harmful and j-mo relaxs and stand behind him quietly

so now "the qoun" is looking all confused and hes like 'the quon doesnt understad do u mean it is posible to feel good about myself witout pretending to get laid all the tiem and talking lots of s**t and tearing other ppl down??'

and im like 'yes yes it is. it is also posible to refer to urself in the first persin from time to tim u should try it is reely fun'

so he smiles ceepily and hes liek 'thanks skater u r a great guy. and very handsom too i might add what r u doing friday at 8?'

WTF?

so i give j-mo the eye again and this tiem gave him the nodding head cause im just not gonna tolarate that

so j-mo clobers him hard with his bored and we dragged him out to the street wich was hard to do cause he smelled a lot like poo

then we go back inside and j-mo is liek 'skater ur very smart phycologocally'

and im liek 'thansk ive been lerning alot from my sesions with dr henderson'

and hes like 'do u thik u helped that guy find a way to be happy?'

and im liek 'i hope so j-mo. i sure do hope so.'

[Kainzo]

7th
Skater Gnome Stories

By Skater Gnome

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, by Skater Gnome

December 27, 2002

ok liek some ppl dont like chrismas that much and i have no clue
wtf is up with that omg cause chrismas is so rule

ok so like two weeks ago im come home from school and im like 'mom
i want alot of stuff for chismas can u deliver the beef??!?'

and shes liek 'no dear youll haveto ask santa why dont you go rite
him a letter'

so im like 'whatever i saw that guy down at the mall and when i
tried to ask him for stuff he was all liek 'get off me your too
old' and 'quit messin up my suit'

so im decide that the best way to get what I want is to charm my
parents with hints and good behavyer and be sneaky and stuff so
like last week my dads is reading the newpaper in the living room
so i get all interested and i sit on the couch an im liek 'father
were u in wolrd war 2??'

and he stops reading and hes liek 'dammit no son im only 45...
damm'

and im like 'ok cool but have heard of b29 bombers??'

and hes liek 'ya why'

and im like 'would you consuder them to be planes of power
??'

and he looks at me for a few seconds and then hes liek 'yes?'

so i start rubbing my chin thautfully and im liek 'innnnteresting'
and then i make a quick exit to let my sneaky hint sink in

so i keep dropin hints all week liek that in my sneaky ninja way
and finally its chrismas eve and im liek cant even slepp hardely
and im playing with my everquest dolls and my brother comes in and
hes like 'shhhh i know what mom and dad r getting u for chrismas'

and im liek 'OMG WHAT!?!?!!'

and hes liek 'dude shut ur hole'

and im like 'sorry, omg what'

so he looks out the door and down the hall to make sure no one can
heer and then hes liek 'ok, shhhh'

and im liek 'I AM SSHHHH!!11'

and hes like 'ok, ok... theyr taking u to norrath world, in
orlando flordia'

OMG WTF!!

and im like 'norath world!!?!?!? omg wtf that is so rule!!!!11!1'

and im jumping around the roome and tossing my dolls in the air
and my brothers grinning cause he got to give me the good newz an
im like 'omg dude mike i didn't even know there was such a place r
u going to go to??/?'

and hes liek 'nope'

and im liek 'why'

and hes like 'cause they can only afford a trip fur 1 of us and i
said u can go'

and im getting all tearry eyed cause my bro is so cool

so i figure i better strart packing now so i stay up reel late
getting all my stuff ready

so i finally go to sleep and i get up erly the next morning and i
grab my sutecase and im running threw the house yelling and im
liek 'wake up!! wake up!!'

and my parents come runnign out and theyr liek 'whts wrong??'

and im like 'its chrismas!!!'

and my moms liek 'omg its 2am!!1'

and im like 'but im ready NOW'

and my dads like 'why are u carrying ur sutecase'

and im like 'omg cause im going to norrath duh' but then i felt
kinda bad cause it was supposed to be a surpriz

and my parents are quiet and my moms looks at my dad says 'dear i
think its finally happened'

and my dads kneels down in front of me and hes like 'son norrath
isn't a reel place its make believe like on mr rogers'

wtf??

so im like 'yes it is to reel its in orlando omg mike said so'

and rite then i hear some snickering coming from mikes room and my
ninja sense tells me somethings not rite

suddenly i figured it out and im like 'ahha, dont try to lie to me
i see now that u want to take mike insteed of me but i wont let
you im going to norrath and u cant stop me'

so the snikering gets louder from mikes room and my ninja sense
tells me that wasnt it at all

so then im like 'omg'

and then i'm like 'wtf'

and then i realized that bro of mine had been liar

well i was a little agry to say the least and after tossing my
sute case down i ran the hall an charged his room

so i burst threw the door and so but suddenly im face to face with
this dragon as tall as me!!1!

and im scared and om like 'IEEEE' and i'm trying to land a
thounderous kick on it then i try to hide behind the bed

and mikes like 'mary chismas bro i made it myself'

and then i ninja sense told me that the dragon wasnt reel and i
came out to look at it and try to hid the wet spot on my pants

and mikes like 'dude its a dragon costume u can get in and its all
urs'

and im liek 'OMG WTF mike ur the rulest in the history of rule'

so even though mike was liar i he was still the rulest and i got
the best chrismas present of my life and im wearing it rite now
which makes it hard to tpye so be nice about spelling plz k thx la

anywhay i never did figur out who this chris guy is and why he has
a whole day sellabrating him but maybe ill lern that next year

all i know is that this chismas was the best chrismas eve

[Kainzo]

8th

THAT TIME AGAIN, by Skater Gnome

September 12, 2002

ok liek wtf is up with school

so like last week im playing eq in my room and the sun is shining
in my window and im like 'haha its night time in norrath get it
right'

and my mom walks in the room and shes like 'who are you talking
too'

and im like 'umm my imaganary woodlef friend'

and she liek 'i thought your emaginary friend was a dwarf'

and im like 'ya he was but he farted alot so i traded him for a
female woodelf'

of course that wasnt the real reason i traded for a female woodelf
cause farting is funny the real reason shold be pretty obvious duh
haha

so my moms liek 'do you know what time it is'

and im like 'umm time for you to leave my room and let me ding
level 6?'

and shes like 'nope its school time'

omg wtf

and im like 'i feel kinda sick cough cough'

and shes like 'ok get in bed then school starts tomorrow morning'

and im like 'oh i thought you meant it started today wow i feel
better its a mericle'

so tommorrow comes around and my mom is like yelkling from the
stairs 'get up time for breakfast'

and im like 'when lavastorm freezed over'

and my dad yells 'one... two...'

and im like spirit of cheetah down the stairs and sit down at the
table

and my moms like 'omg'

and my dads like 'umm son, why dont you go back up to your room
and put some boxers and a t-shrit on or something?'

and im like 'doh, ok. lol'

so after a grumpy morning im standing at the buss stop and j-mo
shows up and im like 'hail, j-me' and hes like 'hail, skater'

and were like 'hehe'

and some other neighborhood kids show up and and jockguy jason
shows up too

and jasons like 'dude give me ur lunch money'

and im like 'i dont have any i right-clicked on all my food this
morning ill be full all day long infact i couldn't eat another
bite our i would explode'

and hes like 'wtf'

and j-mos like 'dude you shouldnt pick on ppl smarter than u'

so jason is like 'whatever' and leaves me alone

so we get to school and its all blah blah blah boring and i sleep
a little and then math class starts and we have a new math teacher
and omg wtf she is so hot!!

so class is getting started and im all sitting up strait and shes
talking about math but all i heer is 'skater gnome i love u'

and i whisper 'i love you too'

and j-mos like 'ur imaginary woodelf friend again?'

and im like 'um ya sure'

so then i hear her say 'ok class who can tell me about fractions?'

and im thinking 'omg i know all about this'

so im like 'me me me'

and shes liek 'ok' and smiles at me

so i stand up and clear my throut and im liek 'factions are very
important. if you have good faction with certain people you can
talk to them and buy stuff from them and they wont try to kill you
but if they do you can just feign death sometimes and you can live
but some places are hard to get good faction with. infact i was
wondering how i can improve my math teacher faction?'

and then i sat down and i was nodding and grinning and looking
around the class cause that was REELY smooth

and everyones liek 'dude wtf r u talking about?'

and hotmathteacher_01 is like 'thats very nice but i think were
talking about fractions, not factions, please see me after class'

omg wtf this REELY sucks ass

and my imagniary woodelf friend is like 'thats ok hun i still love
u'

and im like 'i know'

so the bell rings later and im walking slowly up to her desk and j-
mo's like 'good luck man' and im like 'ya thanks'

and i get the the desk and shes like 'that was quite a speech you
made'

and im like 'ya sorry i wont do it again'

and she laughed and said 'oh no your not in trouble. it just
sounds like you play Everquest'

and i light up and im like 'omg u play eq??!!?'

and shes like 'no, but my husband does'

and im like 'ohh ur married'

and shes like 'ya'

and im like 'k, that sucks'

and shes like 'aww im sure youll make some girl very happy someday'

and shes like 'hey maybe you can meet him in game sometime he
plays a lvl 60 necro'

and im liek 'OMG can he pl me'

and she laughs again and im like /drool and shes like 'youll have
to talk to him about that'

and im like 'omg mrs klien your are the rulest!'

and shes like 'careful skater, your starting to become a teachers
pet'

and im like 'woof woof!'

and shes like 'run along now or you'll be late to class'

so i run out and im thinking 'omg its true. guys who play eq
always get the hottest women. lucky lucky me

[Kainzo]

9th

NO PLACE LIKE HOME, by Skater Gnome

April 13, 2002

ok like yesterday was my first day back at hom from camp
and it was very exciting
so like i get off the bus and my mom and dad are waiting
on the steps and smiling and waving at me and its all
like a kodak moment stuff

so like i give my mom a hug but not my dad cause thats
gross and my dads liek 'we have a present for you sun'

and im liek 'OMG IS IT ICE CREAM??'

and their like 'no'

and i'm all /glare

and so my dad hands me this box all wraped up and i tear
it open and im all /giggle

and i get it open and OMG its all the eq action figures!!

and im like 'omg u guys are SO the rulest'

so i run upstairs to my room and im getting them all set
up and forming little groups and to make it fair i put
all of them against the monk

so like my brother walks in and hes like 'having fun
playing with your dolls?'

and im like 'stfu dude theyr not dolls their action
figures'

and hes liek 'ya kep playing with them and i guerentee
thats the only action you'll ever get'

so I thought he was being mean but then he came over and
I showed him all the figures and my favorite one was the
big ogre with just one eye in the center of his head

so my phone rings and its j-mo and i'm like 'hello'

and hes like 'hey what r u doing'

and im like 'im playing with my one-eyed ogre'

and hes like 'omg dude wtf dont tell me gay stuff like
that'

and im like 'wtf dude its not gay my brother likes it
too'

and j-mos liek '*click*'

and i call him back and im like 'dude wtf'

and hes like 'dude wtf'

and im liek 'huh?'

and hes like 'forget it. come down to the skate park
theres some new guys here that are trying to be cooler
than us'

and im liek 'is that possible?'

and hes like 'i dont think so'

so i put away all the dolls, i mean action figures, but
i wanted to take the one-eyed ogre with me to show j-mo

so i put on my cool-jeans and grab my board and head
down to the park

so im walking up to the ramp and j-mo is liek' why are
you walking like that?'

and im like 'this is my gangster stroll'

and hes like 'wtf its that??'

and im liek 'i dunno i saw it on tv but it makes me look
cool'

and hes like 'no it doesnt stop doing it'

so that was the end of that

so were looking at these guys skating and they come
skating over to us and theyre like 'you guys get lost ur
not cool enough to skate here'

and im like 'omg dude we define cool we are even cooler
than manaburn'

and j-mo is liek 'ya and manaburn is pretty damm cool'

and im all /agree

and theyre like 'we challenge you to a skate-off then'

and im liek 'you have ruined your own lands you will not
ruin mine. your on'

so i decide to go against their best skater and we flip
a coin and i have to go first

so i start skating and i skate reel good and everyones
cheering and i finish and im like 'ahh, i feel much
better now, n00b skater01'

so its their skaters turn to go now and he starts his
run and hes skating and im liek 'damm hes good. reely
reely good'

so im thinking were gonna lose and that sux so im
thinking how i can distract him so he messes up

so then i remember i have the ogre in my pants. so i
wait till he skates close to me and suddenly i reach
into my jeans and start pulling the monstor out and im
like 'fear the one-eyed ogre, b!tch!!1!'

and he looks at me pulling my ogre outta my pants and
hes like 'AHHH!!1! and he falls down and his crew is
like 'omg dude wtf lets get outta here'

and they grab their boards and take off

and j-mo is like 'ooooohhh, you actually DO have a one-
eyed ogre. dude i think thats called ancient cyclops'

and im liek 'whatever'

and hes like 'and just why, exactly did you keep it in
you pants?'

and im liek 'it wouldnt fit in my pocket'

and he like 'oh. well it worked the poser skaters left'

and im like 'ya looks liek everyone else left too'

so liek the battle was won and the skater park was ours
to rule once again

[Kainzo]

10th

A TURN FOR THE WORSE, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok like camp is reely cool and whatever but yesterday it got
reely suc
ok so like im standing on the dock at the lake cause im next
in line to ride the water weenie

so im standing there and all of the suddin i get shoved in the
back and go flying off the dock and into the water

WTF??!?!!

so like my swiming is suck so im doing doggie paddel back to
dock and i heer lots of laffing coming from everyone on the
dock and im getting reely angrey!

so im clikmbing back up the dock and im like 'omg dude ur so
dead' but when i get up to the top i see the freakin huge kid
there scowling at me ready to attack

and im like 'omg dude i thought this camp was for 13 to 15 not
30yr olds'

and hes like 'u wanna peace of me???'

and im thinking 'hell no' but i say 'oh ya i want the who
enchallada'

i dont even liek enchaladas

so im getting a little scared now and im looking around for
the zone line out of instinct or whatever but the only
safespot i can see is up the hill at the cafe where the
couseliers are but thats a long way away

so im thinking about trying feign death but we all know how
that turned out last tiem

so its just him and me at the end of the docks and hes like
lumbering toward me with his swimming flippers and facemask on
holding a snorkel in his hand liek hes gonna hit me with it
and everyone is watchin

so im standing there wondering what it will feel like to be
killed with a snorkel when i see j-mo pushing through the crowd

and hes got something in his hands and he rolls it toard me
through giganto-kids legs and its my skaterboard

and j-mos like 'two hand blunt'

and he give me the thumbs up

so i pick up my board and im gettin all fired up and breathing
hard and im scream 'feel the power of quellious b1tch'

and j-mos like 'yaulp 2! good one!'

so i charge and im swinging my board with sweet ninja action
but mammoth-boy just knocks it out of my hands and grabs me
and picks me up

and im like 'omg dude wtf put me down ur so gay'

and so he walks to the edge of the dock and starts to throw me
in again (dammit)

so im starting to fall and i reach out for anything i can grab
on to and i gget a hold on his mask

well i could only hold on to it for about the first two feet
of my fall and then i had to let go before i went splash

well i guess the face mask went flying right back into his
nose or something cause buy the tiem i doggie paddeled back to
the dock he was lying on his back with a bloody nose and the
nurse was stunding over him saying 'jonny can you heer me'

and j-mos like 'dude sweet kill!'

and im like 'ya im the rulest' and i never told anyone that i
didnt do it on purpose

so i was thinkin about looting the body but i decided that
prolly not appropriate

so anyway i got in alot of trouble and they punished me by
making me stay in the cabin for the rest of the day

i never did get to ride the water weenie but i guess thats ok

it sounds kinda gay anyway

[Kainzo]

11th


SUMMERCAMP ADVENTURE, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002.

ok, so like my parents com into my room last week and theyre
like 'u play too much computer'
and im like 'omg the sign on my door says WOODELVES ONLY an
neither of you look like woodelfs to me'

and my dads like 'dont speak that way to your parents son'

and im liek 'i cant understand you ur not speeking elvish'

and my dads like 'your on thin ice'

so my mom say 'were worried about you we think you should take
a break and go to camp'

and im like 'everquest camp??'

and theyre like 'no'

and im like 'ok whatever ill go if j-mo can go to'

and they were happy and i thought that it was kinda funny how
i was losing parent agro by camping

so like it comes time for me to go and after a losing a big
arguement with my dad that involved me playing tug of war with
my laptop i finally get on the dumb camp bus

so im on the dumb bus and i sit in the back and an this dumb
guys lookin at me and im like 'wtf ru looking at'

and hes like 'woah bro chill. hey do u wanna smoke a bowl?'

and im like 'sorry dude im not good at pottery'

and hes like 'pottery? ive never heard it called that before'

and im like 'what do u call it haha?'

and hes liek 'pot'

and im liek 'i guess that makes sence'

so liike this guy talks to me for a long time about how cool
pottery is, so i kinda made a mental note to increase
skatterrs trade skils with pot when i get back to norrath

so like anyway we get to camp after liek 100 hours and its
nite time an all the couselers are meeting us at the bus and
herding us towards the cabins and my couseler is wearing
purple and talking to us in a girly voice and j-mo is liek 'i
think our counselir is gay'

WTF?!??

and im like "wtf cause of his voice and clothes??'

and hes like 'no cause of the rainbow bumper sticker on his
vokswalgon beetle over there'

and im liek 'i feel like were in boy scouts all over again'

and hes like 'ya'

so like we're all in our cabins and the couseler has his own
little room on the side and i cant sleep and suddenly i hear
the beep of a computer powering up

and im like 'omg' and i jump outta bed and sneka to his door
with my eq cds and its all silent so i open it and see the
computer on the other side of the room

so im sneeking over to it and i see dave (the cousulir)
sitting on his couch watching tv

so im looking at the tv for a second and im like 'omg dude are
u watching top gun????'

and he freaks out and changes it quickly and hes liek 'no look
its the princess bride!!'

and im like 'ya i dont remember pruncess bride havin f-14s in
it' but then i wish i hadnt said that cause

and hes like 'what r u doing in here??'

and im like 'ill make a deal. i wont tell anyone about you
watching top gun if you let me use ur computer'

and hes like 'uhhh, ok'

and im like '...and give me ice cream'

and hes like 'i dont have any'

and im like 'omg how can ne1 go without ice cream??'

so come to finhd out his comp wont run eq but i did let me get

on castersrealm to share an adventur with u

[Kainzo]

12th
SUMMER CAMP ADVENTURE II, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002.

hey guys camp is fun kinda but not like eq but im having a
good time
so like yesterday me and j-mo and are hanging out in the
cafateria with this guys shane and allen cause a magic show is
on later and ive never met a real magician b4 and i reely want
to meet one

so like were sitting there talking and this black guy tyrone
comes up and hes like 'whats up my dudes'

and shanes like 'what did you just call us??'

and tyrones like 'umm...dudes'

and allens all like 'he just said the 'd' word to us'

and tyrone is like 'wtf are you talking about???'

and shane is like 'a white person can call another white
person dude but a black person cannot call a white person dude
cause its racist'

and im like 'wtf'

and j-mo is liek 'omg'

and allen is liek 'ya you can say dudez with a 'z' but not
dudes with an 's' dont worry were not mad cuase you didnt know'

and j-mo and i look at each other and were like '/roll'

and tyrone in liek 'whatever im out'

and j-mos like 'how come when a white person says it the 'd'
word its ok but when a black person says it its racist???/?'

and allens like 'a white person cant hate other white people
duh'

and j-mos like 'well i think im starting too'

so j-mo and i go sit at a different table and in a few minutes
the magic show starts

OMG!!!

its was so cool all the magic he was doing but i never
actually saw him cast any speels

so at the end of the show i go over the the magician and im
liek 'hey dude ur the rulest!!'

and hes like 'umm thanks kid'

and im liek 'what level are u im lvl 5??'

and hes like 'huh?'

and i whisper 'can i see you pet?? shhh i promise i wont tell'

and hes like 'uhhh'

and he was like starting to look all confused and i was
thinking that he wasnt a reel magician after all

so to test him i was like 'ok can you summon me sum ice
cream??'

so liek he grabbed his hat and said algebra cadabra and poof
there was an ice cream bar!!

and im liek 'OMG u ARE a MAGICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!'

so next thing i know im in the nerse station lying on a bed
and im like 'OMG I DIDNT KNOW MAGES GOT TRANSLOCATE'

and then the nerse told me to shut my pie hole and lay back
down but she didnt have any duck tape so i wasnt scared

so i was thinking that all i want to do is meat a monk someday
and then i can die happy

hmmm i wonder where my ice cream bar is????? i bet j-mo took it

[Kainzo]

13th

NEW HORIZONS, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok so like im sitting down to type a new story cause something
reely funny happened last night but before i start riteing i
check my private messages
so theres this message in there from this chick darla and shes
like 'hye skatterr i just read your stories and you a so cute.
a/s/l??'

WTF?!??

so yell 'hey mike come here'

and then i yell 'sorry for yelling' cause i dont want the duck
tape but he usually lets me do it once with no tape hehe'

so mike comes in and hes like 'what'

and im like 'mike wtf does asl mean???'

and hes like 'the asl an organizasion that defend the civil
rights of minorities'

and im like 'whats a minority??'

and hes like 'in this county its someone whos not a white male'

and im like 'then what am i????'

and hes like 'the majority'

and im like 'that sucks'

so mike leaves and i write darla back and im like

'deer darla,
how are u? i am fine. i love black people. i cant give the asl
anymoney though cause i am poor. want to be frieds???'

weel i wait a few minutes and darla writes back 'skatterr you
are funny wanna cyber?'

so i yell 'mike come here'

and then i thought dammit thats the second yell, im getting
the duck tape for sure

but mike was cool for some reason and not mad so i was
like 'dude wtf does cyber mean??'

and he like clears his throat and hes like 'shes asking you
for help with her computer problems'

and im like 'that sucks i don't know anything about computers'

and hes like 'thats ok i do. why don't you go downstairs and
eat some ice cream and ill provide her with some technical
assistance'

so im like 'omg dude you are so rule!! thanks'

so i go down stairs and eat ice cream

i never new my brother liked to help on computer stuff so
much, i could hear him 'woooo-hoooo'ing from the living room.

[Kainzo]

14th

WHATEVER, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok so like im eating ice cream and killing munsters in wc (i
reseantly found out wc stands for west commons and not west
coast like i thougt)
so like this warrior comes up to me and hes like 'hey dude
wanna group up??'

and im like 'whats that supposed to mean'

and hes like 'do you wanna group?

and im like '?????'

and hes like 'DO U WANNA GROUP WITH ME AND KILL THE SAME
MONSTERS FOR FAST EXP????'

and im like 'uh ya I guess as long as you dont try an KS me'

and hes like 'click follow'

and im liek 'dude your not the boss of me'

so i decide on MY OWN that i want to click follow and not
because he told me too

and then hes like 'can u sow me'

and im like 'omg dude wtf no im not a paladin'

and hes like 'i c'

so were running arond looking for munsters and he like 'a
young kodiak is incoming get ready'

and im liek 'wtf how do i get ready??'

and hes like 'just kill this'

so i start attacking it, but then i see the hes attacking it
too!!

WTF?!?!

so im like 'dude wtf stop ks'ing me!!!'

and hes like 'huh??'

and im like 'IM HITTING THIS ONE OMG R U BLIND'

well he doesnt stop hitting it so i look around to make sure
noones looking and then i use the autoattack

weel the bear dies and i get the exp and im like 'haha fag i
got exp u should think twice befroe tying to ks me im a monk'

and hes like 'umm i got exp too stupid, thats the benifit of
grouping both people get exp'

and im like 'OMG are u serious??!? is it an exploit cause i
just learned about auto attck last week but im too scared to
use it'

and hes like 'no its not an exploit'

and im like 'sweeet dude u are so rule!! ok then im gonna go
sit at the druid ring and u go kill stuff then. ill check up
on my exp from tiem to time and let u know how your doing'

and he says 'like hell you are if you can't biff me and wont
fight, i dont need you'

and im like 'OMG dude WTF I CANT BUFF U WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A
WIZARD?!!?? now go kill stuff'

and hes like 'no'

and im liek 'please??'

and hes like 'no'

and thats when i got kicked out of the group. but what i wanna
know is what the hell is grouping good for if you cant get
free exp??!?!!?!

[Kainzo]

15th

THE SECRETS OF EVERQUEST, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok, so like im in the commons east last night and im having
some ice craem and getting my determination up to go crazyman
and finish level 5.
so i see this skeleton and he runs over to me and hits me and
then laughs at me. so like theres no way im gonna put up with
that, so im attack him.

well im standing there fighting, and this monk named siegert
walks up to me and hes like 'what are you doing?'

and im like 'wtf dude im killing this dumb skele dont KS me'

i don't even know what KS means, but everyone tells me to stop
doing it alot so i think it has something to do with
roleplaying

so he's like 'why aren't you attacking it?'

WTF?!?

so im like 'dude, i am attacking it, look at this sweet ninja
kicking action, are you blind'

so im clicking kick as fast as i can so this stupid monk will
see that i can fite good and leeve me alone.

so then he's like 'skaterr, press the A key'

so i say 'A'

and hes like 'no, don't say it, just press it'

so I tell siegert 'A'

and hes like 'your kinda retarded arent you? just press the A
key'

so im like 'ok dude but this is the last favor i ever do for
you'

so i press A

well all of the sudden i start swinging with my fists and
punch the skele and it dies reely fast!

and im like 'OMG DUDE YOU ARE SO RULE!!'

and hes like 'how is it possible that you've gotten to level 5
without knowing about auto attack?'

and im like 'whats autoattack???'

and hes like 'its what you were just doing when you pressed A'

and im like 'ohh is it an exploit, cause i wont tell on you if
you dont tell on me'

and he stops for a second and hes looking at me and hes
like 'your amazing'

and im like 'ya i know im almost level 6'

and hes like 'lucky for you i came along'

and im like 'ya dude you are the rulest'

so he leaves and im all excited, so i give j-mo a call on the
phone.

and he like 'hello'

and im like 'dude i just got sooooo lucky!'

and hes like 'sweet bro!! with who?'

and im like 'this guy named siegert'

and hes like 'WTF?!?!'

and im like 'ya this monk guys showed me how to exploit the
game with autoattack'

and j-mo's like 'oooooooh, i thought... nevermind'

and im like 'ya dude it rules i can kill pretty much anything
in the game now'

and hes like 'umm, wait a sec dude, you're telling me you
didn't ever know about auto attack?? how the hell did you ever
get to level 5?'

and im like 'DUDE WTF WHY DO PPL KEEP ASKING ME THAT, IM A
MONK!!!'

and hes like 'ya how could i forget, the sweet ninja kicking
action right?'

and im like 'thats right'

so i hang up and then i start wondering why the hell my
brother never told me about the autoattack exploit.

so i go running over to his room, and im banging on the door
and im like 'MIKE!'

and he opens the door a crak and sticks his head out and hes
whispers 'SSsssshhh! dude shut-up! i cant talk right now im
getting lucky!'

so then i realized that that he must be learning about
autoattack right now too, so theres no way he could have told
me about it.

i celebrated with some ice cream.

[Kainzo]

16th
MY NEW FRIENDS, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok like wtf is up with leveiling??? it gets reely boring. i
guess cause level 5 is like a hell level or somthing? im
thinking about taking a break from the grind and focosing on
equipment.
anyway so im sitting in feeraut at the druid ring thingy and i
see this little hobbit guy named hobben sitting there afk.

so like all of the sudden this spider start atacking him but
hes afk and cant fight back!

so im like 'dude dont worry ill save you!'

so i jump up and im fighting the spider and i get posioned and
im starting to like get hurt reely bad. so im liek 'hobben
hurry up and get back so you dont die!!'

and hes still just standing there afk and that sucks cause i
dont know how much longer i can hold the spider.

so i shout 'HOBBEN COME BACK TO KEYBAORD OR UR DEAD! hoping
he'll hear me.

so im liek almoset dead and this elf guy named aftathott
appears and hes like 'skaterr your very brave'

and im like 'thanks i know im a monk'

and aftathotts like 'i have to rescue hobben all the tiem too.'

and im like 'thats nice but im almost dead'

so aftathott attacks it and helps me finish it off.

so i check and i have like 12hp left and im like 'sweet dude
thanks!'

and i see hobben is back now and im like 'hey guys i have a
little suprise for you try not to get too excited'

so i guildinvite them to Heros of Norrath (my brother made me
an offiser, shh dont tell anyone). i could tell they were reel
excited caiuse they wer elooking at each other and chuckling
and laughing.

so hobbens like 'skatter we cant join your guild we kinda have
a small one our own'

so im like 'dudes forget all that we have like 15 people
already and one of them is even level 20!'

then aftathott says 'let me ask you something skatter, do you
like big adventures?'

and im like 'i sure do!!'

and aftathotts says 'do you like phat lewtz?'

and im like 'i LOVE phat lewtz!'

so then i get this message "aftathott has invite you to be a
regular member of afterlife" and i click yes.

so hobben tells the guild 'everyone say hi to skaterr who very
unselfiskly risked his life to save me from a level 3 spider'

and everyone is like 'rofl hi skaterr!' and 'welcome skaterr!'

and im liek 'HI GUYS!! is ur guild tough enough to raid
befallen?? cause i reely need a cracked staff and an leather
tunic'

and rezzum tells the guild 'oohh, befallens a toughy, i dont
know if were that good yet'

WTF?!

so im like 'aftathott, if its all the smae to you, i think ill
go back to my old guild, we have a befallen raid tonight and i
need to be with guild whos stong enough to do it'

and hes like 'you must do what you feel it right, of course
skaterr'

and im like 'no hard feelings hehe?'

and hes like 'not at all, we're sorry to lose you'

and im like 'ya i know im level 5. dont feel bad, someone else
will come alone that can help your guild eventually im sure of
it'

and hes like 'i hope so'

so we went our seperate ways and im kinda screwed now cause
now i have to explain to my brother why i need a nother guilf
invite. maybe if ask him nicely i wont get the duck tape.

[Kainzo]

17th

YOU WIN SOME YOU LOSE SOME, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok so like im playing eq alot lately cause when your grounded
all you can do is play eq and eat ice cream. so im playing
saturday afternoon and noone else is home, and suddenly i see
this named mummy standing in north ro! So im like 'sweet, this
is cool'
but then i see he cons red to me, wtf. so im like 'dammit this
is gay'

so im sitting there pondering my situation when i hear someone
start knocking on the front door. so im ignoring them and
trying think if i have enough endurance to log my brothers
cleric in and run back and forth from his room to my room and
fight and heal and fight and heal.

so whoever is knocking on the door is still knoching and they
call out 'hello is anyone home?'

so i yell 'no!!'

and they yell 'ahha we heard that, come down and talk to us a
minute'

so i yell 'woof woof!' hoping that i can fool them.

but then they're like 'comeon down, it will only take a minute'

and i yell 'im not allowed to answoer the door!!'

and theyre like 'what?'

WTF!?!

so i run my ass downstairs and yank open the door and im
like 'I SAID IM NOT ALLOWED TO OPEN THE DOOR CAUSE IM HOME
ALONE!!'

and then im thinking that ive been tricked somehow, cause here
i am with the door wide open.

so this old guy and this old woman are standing there smiling
at me, ahnd the guy says 'hi there my young friend, my name is
frank and this is my wife vergina and we are from the chuch of
ladder-day saints.

and im like 'cool we have a ladder too'

and he says 'id like to talk to you for a few minutes about
our church can we come in?'

so then i start thinking all deep and intelichual and my mind
hatches a brilliant plan.

so im like 'hey saint frank i wanna be a ladder saint too'

and he says 'wonderful! your never too young!'

so im like 'but dude you have to help me with something first'

so i grab him by the wrist and im dragging him upstairs to my
brothers room and hes huffing and puffing and his wife is
like 'where are you going with my husband?'

so i sit saint frank down in my brothers chair and load up eq
and log on his cleric.

so im like 'listen saint frank i need you to take the mouse
and clikc on that little button right there a few times before
i become a siant'

and hes looking up and me kinda bewildered and hes still
breathing hard from his sprint up the stairs.

so i show him what to do, and i run to my room and i see some
ranger starting to attack the named mummy!!

so i rush in and attcjk it too and im getting beaten up bad
and im like 'click the button frank! CLICK IT!!'

and i hear him in there clicking away as fast as he can, and
hes still weezing. and verginas hobbling up the stairs
saying 'frank whats going on??'

so the fight is going good and saint frank is clicking the
buttons like i showed him and i end up killing the mummy and
looting it!

so frank is like 'what does "joo sux0rs" mean?'

and im like 'that means the ranger wants to join your chruch
too.'

and franks like 'oh'

so i log off and i run into my brothers room and im
like 'frank your the man!'

and he and vergina are looking up at me all wide-eyed and a
little scared and hes like 'you arn't gonna hurt us are you?'

and im like 'no way dude, u rule!'

and im like 'lets go downstairs and ill get you some beers for
u and your wife'

so im dragging frank down to the living room and vergina is
hobbling after us saying 'frank whats going on??'

i think shes a bit slow, that one.

well we get down to the livingroom and all of the sudden my
dad walks in.

and hes like 'what the hell is going on here?'

and im like 'hi dad, this is saint frank, and he wants to
borrow our ladder. hes really cool'

and then i whisper 'but be nice to his wife cause shes a
little feeble in the brain if you know what i mean'

but then franks like 'im sorry to disturb you people. we
really need to be going'

and im like 'frank whats up, when do i get to be a ladder
saint???'

and hes like 'someother time' and he and vergina hussle out
the door.

so i look out the window and theyre trotting away looking over
there shoulder back at the housr and i couldnt help but
thinking what a nice couple they were and hoping that they
would visit us again soon.

[Kainzo]

18th

LIVE AND LET DIE, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

ok so like last night im playing eq, and the phone rings and
its my friend jeff moncrief (who we call J-Mo as a nickname
cause it sounds like j-lo and he hates it) and hes like 'dude,
ive got too tickets to Godsmack for tonight!!'
and im like 'omg dude wtf so you you are so gay. im not going
to a concort with you just the two of us'

and hes like 'wtf dude girls are coming with us. like 10 ppl
are goin'

so im like 'sweeeet dude, u r not gay u rule'

so i grab my jacket and yell 'mom ill be back in a sec, i have
to go outside to pee'

and shes liek 'huh? cant you use the bathroom like a normal
person?'

but i was already out the door by then, and i run over to j-
mo's house and there all outside waiting for me.

so we pack like 10 ppl in the honda and im liek 'dude get off
me homo' and 'dude stop touching me' like the whole way there.

anyway we get there, and were parking and we all get out and
go up the the gates, and theres this long-ass line and we get
in line, and all of the sudden these guys behind us are
like 'hey dudes, we were in line first you just cut us'

and im liek 'wtf dude no you weren't you just came up i saw
you, liars'

and the girls who came with us are giggling and looking at me
and im feeling tough.

so one of the guys pushes me and says 'are you calling me a
liar?'

and im like 'uhh, ya are you deaf? dont make me eagle strike
your ass'

but these guys are big and older and im thinking maybe i
should have handled it a little differently.

so hes walking toward me with his fists ready and everything,
and im getting reely scared now, when suddemly i remember...
feign death! feign death!

now let me tell you... that sh!t doesnt work in reel life,
cause i fell down and played dead real convincingly and he
didnt even hesitate before starting to kick my ribs in.

so lift my head up and im like 'dude wtf im dead just look at
me' and i close my eyes and stick my tounge out, and he didnt
even think about stopping.

so im getting reely hurt now and i look up and i see j-mo
looking at me and im like 'j-mo nuke him wtf!!'

so j-mo comes running over and stops it and im like hurt
pretty bad and those guys run off and j-mo is like 'dude quit
crying sissy'

and im like 'dude, stfu, im not crying im alergic to the
pavement'

so im grumpy and this girl sara who rode with us comes up to
me and shes like 'aww skatey-poo are you ok huney?'

and im like 'ya im fine'

and shes holds my hand and says 'is there anything i can do to
make you feel better?'

and i think about it for a minute and im like 'ya, u can get
me some ice cream'

so in the end i got some ice cream and saw a good concort so
it wasnt reely all that bad. ive been grounded for tto weeks
though, but hay, i can still play eq, so im happy.

19th
I LOVE MY BROTHER, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

so im sitting Fireonia Vei last nite at about 11 aclock eating
icecream and feeling bored and all of the sudden my brother
shows up at the bank with his 60 enchater. and he see's me and
types 'Hey Skaterr '
so i yell 'hey mike. hi'

and hes like 'dude dont yell, just freakin type it in'

so i yell 'dude WTF ur rite down the hall, typing is dumb'

and so he types 'ya and mom and dad are asleep already'

so i yell 'oh ya ur rite my bad ill type stuff now'

so he types 'when are you gonna start'

so i yell 'right now!!'

and he types 'your still yelling...'

and i yell 'WELL QUIT ASKING ME STUFF!!11!'


so then he says 'want me to PL you?'

and i say 'ok cool'

and hes like 'wow, you do know how to type'

and im like 'stfu'

so we group up for the scary spidur run from fireonia vie to
lake if the ill omens, and we get to the bridge to cross and
im getting nervous and eating icecream faster and faster.

well we get to the end of the bridge when all of this sudden
this 45 monk say 'HALT! you may not pass without paying the
bridge toll.'

and the monks standing there at the end of the bridge looking
at us. waiting for some plat or somthing.

WTF??

so my brother says 'how much is the toll'

and the monk says '200p a peace'

and my brother says 'what if we dont pay it'

and the monk says 'ill train you while you run to loio'

so im like 'dude monks are gay'. but then i remembered that im
a monk, and that didnt really sound good so i asked my brother
if there was a way to erase what i had said, and he said no'

so my brother says 'we shall pay you, and also buff you, so
you can defend this bridge even better'

so i yell 'OMG MIKE WTF ARE YOU DIONG!?!?!?'

and hes like 'can it, bullhorn. if you yell again, im gonna
duck tape your mouth shut'

jezz my brother an his damn duct tape.

so he gives the monk 400p and invites him to the group for
some group buffs. so the monk joins us, and im like 'dude ur
gay, but not ALL monks are gay' so now i felt better about
calling monks gay when i am one

so he like 'whatever suxor. going afk for b-room while you
buff me, brb'

and my brother says 'incoming monk buffs!' and begins to cast
a speel. and promptly turned the monk into a werewolf.

well the guards didnt liek that so much, so they started
attaking him and killed him pretty quick. well he came back to
the keyboard and was like "WTF why am i dead??!!'

and im like 'cause your gay, and the guards dont tolerate that
here in FV.'

and my brothers liek 'dude im SO sorry.. forgot about
illusions getting oyu killed in FV. ill get you a rez'

so we find this 30 cleric whio will rez him, and he gets back
to his corpse after lots of biching about getting a higher rez
and losing exp.

so while he was looting his corpse, mike did it again. it only
took 1 hit to kill the monk this time so im falling off my
chair laughing. and i yell 'mike you are so freakin funny im
peeing in my pant'

well 10 seconds later theres mike standing behind me with duct
tape in hand. dammit.

so i get my mouth taped and hes like 'can you still breath?'

and im liek 'mmhmfmmmh'

and hes like 'that was worth 400p, wasnt it'

and im like 'mmhhmmfmmhmm'

all in all it was a good night. mike was thinking about
logging on his wizard and offering to gate the monk to DL, and
taking him to cobelt scars instead, but we figured he had had
enough.

mike let me take the duct tape off after haf an hour, but by
then my ice cream had melted, so i had to use a straw instead.
like i said, all in all it was a good night.

[Kainzo]

20th


FUNNY HOW THE WORLD WORKS SOMETIMES, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002.

hey like, my birthday is friday. well my brother and a few of
his friends were talking about what gift to give me, and my
brother mentioned a cof for my monk, or a fungi, whatever that
is
weel then my brother looks over at me playing eq and says 'hey
wait, lets get him a stripper.

OMG WTF?!?

now i KNOW wht a stripper is. i had to use one on the kicthen
walls last summer when my dad and me repainted part of the
house. it doesnt work very well and its not fun AT ALL

so im like 'dude WTF, why would i want a stripper??!!

and my brother and his friends are looking at me funny, and
they say 'umm, stripers are alot of fun, bro. youll understand
when your older'

how can this be?? what do they know that i dont??

well they go outside and do whatever it is college people do,
and i log off eq and decided to give this stripper thing
another chance

so i go down stairs to try to get my dads stripper and
practise with it a bit and see i was missing someting...but i
cant find it anywere

so i call my mom at work and im like 'mom have you seen dads
stripper'

and she says 'what?!'

and im like dad has a stripper, do you know were?'

and she starts breathing heavy and whatever.

so she says 'your father has a STRIPPER?!'

and im like 'chill mom, jezz, ya sometimes he keeps it in the
basement, but i cant find it anywhere'

and my mom is foaming at the mouth and yelling 'SHES BEEN OVER
TO THE HOUSE??!!??'

WTF?!

i never knew this was such a hot topic

and im like 'listen you didnt mind the stripper so much when
you got a new kitchen remodled'

and shes like 'I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ANY STRIPPER' blah blah
blah... and 'THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE LAST SUMMER??!!'

so im like 'umm mom ill call ya later of something, jezz'

and shes like 'DONT YOU HANG UP ON...."

so im like 'WTF'

so i go downstairs again and finally find the stripper on the
toolbench

so i bring it up to my bedroom and plug it in and man i must
have gotten bigger and stronger since last summer cause that
striper worked reel good

so there i was peeling perfect stips of paint off my wall, and
im like 'hey this isnt so bad'

so then i decide to write my name, and i do it and im
thinking 'like, my brother was right this is fun haha'

well then the phone rings and its my grandfaather who lives
all the way overr in Britin Engalend.

so he says 'good afternoon son, and how are you?'

and i say 'hey gramps im great im playing with a striper in my
bedroom!'

and he says 'pardon me?'

and im like 'ya, im getting one for my birthday, so i decided
to practise with my dads stripper in my bedroom and i reely
like it'

and he cleared his throught and said 'oh dear'

and im like 'ya at first i didnt like it, but now its really
growing on me'

and he says 'so its growing, is it *ahem* *cough*? ummm, is
your mother there?'

and just then my mom burst through the bedroom door all red
faced and looked at me and looked at the wall and i dropped
the phone and i was thinking 'oh man i am screwed'

and shes like 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!'

and im like 'mom, im playing with dads stripper dont be mad'

and she stops and looks at me again and at the wall, and all
of the sudden she starts laughing and giggling and gave me a
big hug and a kiss on the forhead (ewww) and she wasnt mad
anymore (my dad sure was we he got hom, but thats a different
story)

anyway all the guys at skool think im reely cool now when i
tell them that my mom likes strippers and that im getting one
for my birthday. seems like they all want to come over friday
and play with it too, but i dont think ill let'em.

21st
EASY CASH AND SILLY GIRLS,. by Skater gnome

August 6, 2002


well, like last week i was playing eq at my friends house, and
his sister was like 'hey, quit that and come help me with
something'
so im like 'hey shutup for a sec im almost done beeting a
dervish!'

so she comes over and turns the computer off!!! and im
yelling 'mike!! mike!! your sisters a meanhead!!'

and she says 'mikes gone with my mom to get the dog back from
the vet thats why i need your help'

so im like 'dammit fine then, since i cant play eq anymore'

so we go upstairs and shes like 'help me move my bed to this
side of the room'

so im like 'this sucks'

and shes like 'your a whiner'

and i get mad and im like 'no im not, you are'

anyway, were moving the bed and we get it across the room, and
theres this quarter under the bed

and she picks it up and walks over too me and looks at me for
a sec then whispers in my ear 'i'll bet you this quarter that
i can kiss you without touching you'

so im like 'sweet! thats a free quarter!'

so i say 'you better pay up when you lose'

and she just smiles and gets closer and kisses me right on the
mouth!

then she took my hand and put the quarter in it, looked me in
the eyes and smiled and said 'looks like i lost'

and im like 'dam right, you did'

and she says 'so how was that?'

and i said 'good, you taste like jolly ranchers!'

and she laughed and said 'that would be my lip gloss'

and she said 'im going to go for a swim in our pool, wanna
help me get changed into my bathing suit?'

and i was like 'hell no i have a quarter to spend on some ice
cream, haha, woo-hoo!!'

then i ran out of the room, which took a little while, because
the door had gotten locked somehow.

anyway a bossy cheerleader and her money are easily parted i
guess

[Elleve]

Way more fun if you start out with the first one. People that are new to this will just get confused...

[Kainzo]

22nd

THE STAKERS AMONG US, by Skater Gnome

August 6, 2002

omg check this out.
so last night im killing fire beeatles and eating ice and i
get this tell..

slayerr tells you 'your posts on cr forums sucks and u r
stupid'

WTF?!?

i tell slayerr 'dude who are you and wtf?'

slayerr tells you 'im on cr forums and read your posts and
their dumb an u r dumb too dumbface, whos dumb.'

so i say 'dude did you create that character just to log onto
mith marr and taunt me?'

slayerr tells you 'ya sucker you suck and your dumb and im not
and you suck and i dont haha'

so im thinking that slayerr is a loser and a meaniehead.

so my brother is watching TV and i call him into the room and
he reads whats been wroten and he chuckles and he says come
with me.

so my brother logs on his 57 wizard and tells slayerr 'hi
friend and well met!'

slayerr tells him 'who the hell r u n00b'

mykrel (57 Wizard) tells slayerr 'im quitting eq and selling
my 57 wizard for one penny to the person with the coolest
name, and i think you may be the one!'

slayerr tells mykrel 'awesome!!! dude u r cooler than
airsupply!!'

mykrel tells slayerr 'hold on though, there are a few others
who are in the running'

slayerr tells mykrel 'dude comeawn pleeaaase!! I have a cool
name cause im cool and handsome!'

mykrel tells stayerr 'don't go anywhere, in ten minutes i'll
tell you who wins, but your looking really strong right now'

slayerr tells mykrel 'sweet dude u r a studly man, a beautiful
man'

WTF?!?

so my brother looks at me, and i'm like 'ya dude, i dunno what
up with that?'

so my brother waits 10 minutes and watches TV, then he
petitions 'a level 1 player named slayerr keeps bothering my
trying to buy my account for one penny. please take action on
this'

so then my brother tells slayerr 'no i will not sell you my
account, please stop bothering me'

and then slayerr tells him 'DUED WTF YOU SELL ME YOUR ACCOUNT
I WAITED 10 MINUTEDS!!'

and mykrel tells him 'there will be no account selling, it's
against the rules, please stop bothering me'

and slayerr tells him 'bullsh1t dude you can sell it and get
away with it, i do it all the time i have a cleric and warrior
and they are 52 and i bought them off ebay, i get all my
characters off ebay, now sell me your account for a
penny!!!!!!'

then my brother does a /report slayerr, whatever that is.

so slayerr keeps going on and on and on, about how my brother
needs to sell, and that he is NOT cooler than airsupply
anymore.

then he gets another tell..

GUIDE forsythe tells you 'im sorry about all that. slayerr
won't be bothering you or anyone else for awhile, his account
has been suspended and is under review for a ban.

so we log off and eat more ice cream.

then my brother says 'slayerr probably drunk right now,
singing "im all out of love"'

and we had a good laugh and ate ice cream.

I guess what goes around comes around.

23rd
I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.

I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. *Gulp.

My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.

I forgot that I was in typing mode.

The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.

I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.

He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.

[Kainzo]

Hope someone gets a kick out of these, work is slow =/

[Stickyfingers]

I loved these back in the day. Thanks for posting them again, hilarious as always.

[Alifeyl]

Work is slow here too - thanks for the entertainment! :D