Project 1999 - Jeppenstrubber's Jaunt (Raw Uncut)

Jeppenstrubber's Jaunt
or
How the Good Gnome Defeated the Evil Iksar

That day, though light of the murky forests in Lesser Faydwer could hardly ever be called daylight, existing as it does in perpetual twilight, landed under the enchantment of an ancient and powerful elf named Mayong, Jeppenstrubber the level 13 gnomish wizard returned to his seat at the edge of the Nybright encampment. Jeppenstrubber, like most gnomes, looks exactly like your grandfather, only shrunken down to a third the size. Unlike most gnomes, Jeppenstrubber was the newest material body of a powerful and enlightened Everquest spirit.

It should come to no surprise that this powerful and enlightened Everquest spirit who had attained infamy and greatness in many forms had a powerful thirst for pixel loot. Indeed, though he feigned disattachment, Jeppenstrubber was a greedy gnome with dark intentions. He had just returned from his latest jaunt to the elf merchants to whom he sold the still blood drenched weapons of the Nybright sisters; sisters whom had been family to the elves of Faydark not long ago (by reckoning of the Ancient Elvish Galactic Calendar).

Jeppenstrubber's investment into the level 12 set of spells was paying off. He paid a premium for the elves to sell him a gun which would shoot these spells in the form of bullets. Jeppenstrubber had to shoot each Nybright sister three times with his pistol before her body hit the floor.

At first, Jeppenstrubber feared digging the burial holes. After all he was a very weak gnome. But he was a good shot, attested by the corpses of three half elves whom he had killed for pocket change. After he rifled their pockets and tossed their valuable bronze weapons into the ever-growing pile, their corpses miraculously disappeared. Jeppenstrubber grew his fortune.

Another sentient being came to the camp. It was a male iksar necromancer named "Lulz." He wore a dark flowing robe hemmed with green and held a fearsome scythe.

Jeppenstrubber felt uneasy. Though his purse swelled with cash, he still wore the pale yellow robes of an apprentice wizard. His feet were bare. Would the necro steal the last mob in the camp, the one he had to reload to kill?

Jeppenstrubber checked his clip. He could fire two shots. Not enough to kill an iksar necro who clearly had lived with his parents until he started off on a good foot. Those were the pricks who wore Rings of Lustrous Power, or even worse, Necklaces of Superiority.

jeppenstrubber says:hey buddy wats up

Jeppenstrubber prayed the iksar didn't notice the fine sweat beading on his face. Damn snake could probably smell it.

Lulz shook his head slightly. His tail curled behind him.

lulz says: nm lol u

jeppenstrubber says: just sitting here meddin

Lulz sat down and then stood up. He moved forward three feet, sat down and then stood up. He turned to face Jeppenstrubber, then whipped back to face the Nybright camp. He sat.

Jeppenstrubber's hands shook. Jaina was the worst of the Nybright scum and often her kevlar vest caught one of Jep's bullets. In truth, he needed to be Fully Loaded. But now, this twitching iksar was up in his camp, seeking a steady flow of glorious platinum. It could not stand! There was only one option.

Jep invited Lulz to his party.

lulz says: thx for invite man

lulz says: mind if i pull

jeppenstrubber says: nah dont man i'm oom

lulz says: i can solo her lol

jeppenstruber says: dont you fucking firegiant

Lulz stood up suddenly, and then turned to face Jeppenstrubber. Lulz kept spinning, backpedaling, rotating on a perfect axis. His skeleton pet ambled after him.

jeppenstrubber says (quickly): jk lol seriuosly though i'm taking an afk, lets just wait for em all to espawn and then split it ok

Lulz stopped spinning. He wobbled. He sat down. A long pause followed.

lulz: k lol

One by one, the Nybright sisters returned to the mortal coil, bound as they are to the Project 1999 Servers, caught as spirits forced to exist as ksatriya and hunted by noobs for eternity, just as we as humans operate as gods in the Everquest Spirit Space but are piloted by spirits greater than our material bodies in this life. Coolly, Jep eyed his new acquaintance.

jeppenstrubber says: u back dude

Another pause. Jeppenstrubber stood. All four sisters were up.

lulz: dont i know u from somehwer lol

lulz: what's your real name?

Jeppenstrubber's eyes narrowed. He drew his Magic Pistol and aimed it at Jayla. The moment he fired the shot, all the sisters would come running.

jeppenstrubber: i'm jeppenstrubber

lulz: no dude i know u

jeppenstrubber: i last played borgnach

Jeppenstrubber fired the shot. It punched Jayla's stomach and she staggered. When she drew her hand away there was blood spilling to the ground. The sisters shrieked and they came running for him, for Jeppenstrubber, who turned on his heel and ran at a funny little angle that he, as an Ancient and Wise Everquest spirit, used to break the game and eek out every little advantage he needed.

jeppenstrubber says : y/
Jeppenstrubber yelled for help.

Lulz stood and flicked his hands out from the folds of his robe. In an instant, his skeleton pet clobbered one of the sisters and a moment later Lulz injected another with a syringe full of venom. Jeppenstrubber smiled. Only one left.

Jeppenstrubber stopped strafing.

jeppenstrubber: pull this last 2 off lol i can AE them down im fm

Lulz feared the sister attacking him and ripped the other two off with diseases and snares. Suddenly, he was juggling four backstabbing banshees.

lulz says: k come back

jeppenstrubber says: later loser im campin out

And so the Great Everquest spirit sat his material body on the ground and stoked a fire. It would be a delicious supper. Jeppenstrubber's body vanished silently.

In the strange forests of Lesser Faydark, no one noticed when, several minutes later, Jeppenstrubber popped back into existence. There was nothing of his neat gnomish tent or cute fire. The gnome ran at once to the Nybright camp.

He found there Lulz's corpse and two corpses of the Nybrights. They each held rapiers, the most prized weapon. Jeppenstrubber smiled. He had rebroken half the camp before dying.

lulz whispers you: wtf dude
lulz whispers you: i'm fcking bound in cab dude

Jeppenstrubber stepped over Lulz's corpse. He eyed the two sisters that were up. He still had to reload fully in order to split them. He sat down.

lulz whispers you: can go to mistmoore and ask for a rez dude?

jeppenstrubber whispered: no

lulz whispers you: come on man dont b a dick i know who u r

jeppenstrubber whispered: im skarlorn. The gnomes eyes blazed as he pronounced one of his Great Names.

lulz whispers you: no f*ggot i mean who r u rly

lulz whispers you: i cant remmbmer.

lulz whispers you: come on man get me a rez

Jeppenstrubber smiled. Tears of euphoric joy glistened on his face as his mouth formed the words "/ignore lulz."

Suddenly, the insane whisperings of the iksar noob came to a halt. The forest was quiet again. Jeppenstrubber smiled. He had defeated the evil iksar with the power of word and reason. He kneeled over and looted the bronze rapiers from Lulz's kills. WHen he sat back down, his Everquest Spirit opened a couple tabs of human pornography.

It would be a long grind.