EQ humor
 

A post a few threads back reminded me of some of the good eq related humor I'd seen. I'm sure there's a few of you who saved some too, share it! Here's a couple to start:

Q: How many Warriors does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None, Warriors aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Enchanters does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Into what?

Q: How many Magicians does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Ten. One to summon a new bulb, go link dead, and log back on with their
pet and summoned bulb gone. One to summon a new bulb, go link dead, and post on the boards that losing your summoned items on LD sucks. One to summon a new bulb and actually change the lantern bulb. One to shout: "I'll summon you a wisp. Use that instead. Please? Come on, Mage summons are useful, really!" One to post a new thread on the board that post-50 Fire Pets are underpowered. One to bump a thread titled "Abashi: I *demand* you tell us a Mage's role in a group". Four to shout to the zone: "Has anybody seen my pet?"

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Lantern? How unnatural! Besides my spells don't work indoors. Come to the
Druid circle and I'll conjure you a firefly globe.

Q: How many Rangers does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Ranger1 shouts: "51 Ranger looking for a group". Ranger2 shouts: "Paying
well for an xp res". Ranger1 shouts: "51 Ranger looking for a group". Ranger3
says out of character: "Figures that Verant cares about issues as minor as
lantern bulbs when our post-50 defense caps are so broken". Ranger1 shouts:
"51 Ranger looking for a group".

Q: How many Rogues does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Hey you! Come back here with my lantern bulb!

Q: How many Clerics does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Five. One to resurrect the lantern bulb, one to reply "sorry I can't leave
my group in Karnors to go rez you in Everfrost", one to reply "no I won't
power level you for five hours for 10pp", one to reply "yeah like your
threats of putting me on your no TP list and no SOW list scare me", and one
to go anonymous to escape from the tells.

Q: How many Necromancers does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: u 5uK n3\/\/b13 rp 1 0wN j00 n dU3l mY p3T r0x 4nD 5010 w15p 4 GLS u
t4k3 2 NK 4nD tR4d3 4 ph4t 13wt!

Q: How many ShadowKnights does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None. ShadowKnights would rather sit in the dark.

Q: How many Paladins does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: One. He changes the bulb, heals and buffs you for free, says "follow the
path of righteousness good sir and you too by the grace of Marr can earn a
Fiery Avenger to light your way both externally and internally and won't need
a lantern anymore", then says "well if Verant makes it easier to obtain our
quest books that is".

Q: How many Shamen does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: /shout Trading SOW and buffs for lantern bulb at P2!

Q: How many Bards does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: What Bards?

Q: How many Monks does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Mu.

Q: How many Wizards does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Wizard begins to cast a spell.

Q: How many melee classes does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Many. One to ask for a SOW, one to ask for a TP, one to start running
since neither of the former were forthcoming, one to die from a mob that
spawned on top of him while running, one to ask for a rez, one to actually
make it to town, one to ask for a bind, one to enter town anyway since they
couldn't get the former, one to die from a NPC in town while searching for
the lantern bulb vendor and get sent back to his bind point in another city,
one to ask for another SOW and TP for corpse recovery, one to...

Q: How many caster classes does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Go away, I'm soloing!

Q: How many High Elves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.

Q: How many Dark Elves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Don't you wish you had ultravision too like we Inkies instead of being a
blind Hummie?

Q: How many Erudites does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Erudites are above manual labor. They'd order a Barbarian to do it.

Q: How many Barbarians does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Just the one. Want to make something of it?

Q: How many Humans does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: What you mean Halflings can change lantern bulbs 10% faster? Abashi, I put all this time into a Human because I thought we got the bonus! The player's guide even says we get it! I mean we put up with being blind and having one racial language, while Halflings have infravision and hide! Abashi!

Q: How many Halflings does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Halfling auctions: WTS/WTT orobe, SSOY, ravenscale, SMR, lantern bulb,
GBS, crafted, CGB, BIBS, FBSS. Looking for high end Druid items.

Q: How many Ogres does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: One. But he requires a lot of lantern bulbs. *smash*

Q: How many Trolls does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: *burp*

Q: How many Dwarves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None. They can't reach!

Q: How many Gnomes does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: With that bald head I thought you were the lantern bulb, hee hee!

Q: How many Wood Elves does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: /petition A bunch of male characters are sending me tells saying they want
to see me "change my bulbs". Make them stop!

Q: How many Iksar does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: None. Iksar are KOS to all lantern bulb vendors in the game.

Q: How many newbies does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Newbie1 tells you: "sow plz". Newbie2 tells you: "Can u spare some plat
for spells?" Newbie3 tells you: "can u tp me to qeynos plz". Newbie4 tells
you: "Will u give me your cobalt bp? Come on you can get another." Newbie5
tells you: "Will you come powerlevel me plz?" Newbie6 tells you: "You mean
you're not going to help me? You suck!" Newbie7 tells you: "What are lantern
bulbs used for?" You are now anonymous.

Q: How many uberguild members does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: We killed Silverwing and all we got was this stupid lantern bulb? Abashi,
you need to look at VP drops. I mean we can get better loot in lguk!

Q: How many Abashi sock puppets does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Sorry, lantern bulbs are working as intended. Your flames are not
appreciated.

Q: How many Brads does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Sorry, we consider lantern bulbs balanced.

Q: How many Verant customer service representatives does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: The lantern bulb here is working. It must be your ISP.

Q: How many Verant testers does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Huh? The light's out?

Q: How many GM's does it take to change a lantern bulb?
A: Hello! GM foobar here. I'm sorry, I didn't see the lantern bulb burn out
so can't help you. You have received a warning on your account. If you don't
stop harassing me you will be banned. Have a nice day!

a view from the otherside

THE RANGER THEME SONG
(To the tune of Stayin Alive)

(disco instrumental... naked ranger on corpse retrieval strutting down the pier in Fironia Vie)

Well, you can tell by the way my hitpoints go,
I'm a ranger man: AC's too low.
Blade is sharp and shield is worn.
I've been tankin' mobs since I was born.
And now it's all right - it's okay.
And I may snare and run away.
You can try - to understand - why mobs only hit ranger man.
If you are in danger and if you're not a ranger,
You're stayin alive, stayin' alive.
Feel my bones a-breakin' and my ivy helm a-shakin'
and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIVE... yeah!

Well now, I get spanked or I get beat
But if I don't get either it's really neat.
Got low delay blades in each fist
I'm a dual-wield man - and I get mobs pissed.
You know it's all right, it's okay.
I'll get my corpse another day.
You can try - to understand - why you chain-heal ranger man.
If you are in danger and if you're not a ranger,
You're stayin alive, stayin' alive.
Feel my bones a-breakin' and my ivy helm a-shakin'
and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive.
STAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIVE... yeah!

Life goin' quickly. Somebody heal me.
Somebody heal me, yeah.
Life goin' quickly. Somebody heal me, yeah.
Stayin' Alive --- (to beginning and fade... Well, you can tell.... )

DL the MP3, and sing along, it fits perfectly.

Ahh, yes the Denny's one..

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
You have entered Denny's.
You say, 'Hail Denny's hostess'
Denny's hostess says 'Hello, Ryasis. Welcome to Denny's. [Smoking] or [non-smoking]?'
You say, 'non-smoking'
You say, 'I would like non-smoking please'
You say, 'what about non-smoking'
Denny's hostess says 'Right this way, please.'
You are out of food and drink.
Erlen shouts, 'has anyone seen the waiter?'
Daegarmo shouts, 'no and ive been camping him for a half hour'
You are out of food and drink.
Ester shouts, 'I see him'
Erlen shouts, 'dont kill him, i still have to do the order quest'
You are hungry.
You are thirsty.
You are out of food and drink.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello, Ryasis. You look like you could use some [coffee]'
You say, 'Yes I'll have some coffee'
You say, 'what about coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, excellent! We have [regular] and [decaf].'
You say, 'I will have some decaf'
You say, 'what about decaf'
You say, 'what about decaffeinated coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'I expected nothing less of you. Here, take this.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Juan Valdez got better
You drink your coffee.
You were hit by non-melee for 39 dmg
YOU are burning!
You shout, 'Ow hehe this coffee's hot'
Kyrani shouts, 'Haha u sux0r'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Annoying kid says 'Pikachuuuuuu'
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid hits YOU for 3 points of damage.
Auto-attack on.
You hit Annoying kid for 17 points of damage.
You hit Annoying kid for 22 points of damage.
You have slain Annoying kid!
Your faction standing with Disciplineless Mothers got worse
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got better
Your faction standing with The World at Large got better
Annoying kid's corpse0 says 'My mother will avenge my death!'
You receive 3 copper as your split.
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Disciplineless mother says 'Your actions and history are a personal affront to all I stand for.'
Disciplineless mother begins casting a spell.
Disciplineless mother pet is enveloped in flames.
Off-duty police officer says 'Hey! No pets in the building!'
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 18 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 287 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 234 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer kicks Disciplineless mother for 27 points of damage.
Disciplineless mother is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 12 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother pet for 262 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer was burned.
Disciplineless mother pet is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Off-duty police officer says 'Let this be a lesson, that none can withstand the wrath of the San Diego Department of Public Safety.'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Can I get you some more [coffee]?'
You say, 'No, I want to place my order'
You say, 'Can I place my order?'
You say, 'Let me place my order dammit!'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, would you like to try our [Grand Slam Breakfast]?'
You say, 'I will have the grand slam breakfast'
Denny's waiter says 'How would you like your [eggs]?'
You say, 'scrambled'
You say, 'I would like them scrambled'
You say, 'what about eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'You can have [scrambled eggs] or [fried eggs].'
You say, 'I will have scrambled eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'Excellent, would you like anything to drink? Some [orange juice], perhaps?'
You say, 'I will have orange juice'
You say, 'what about orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Our orange juice is fresh squeezed from concentrate.'
You say, 'give me orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, I'll be right back with your orange juice.'
You gain experience!
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Gordon shouts, 'Attention, your bacon is now raw, because fully-cooked bacon lacks the inherent risks associated with our Vision of Bacon.'
Valshire shouts, 'Wait a minute, this bacon hasn't been cooked for months'
Gordon shouts, 'Uhh... yes it has.'
Tunso shouts, 'You kidding? We've been complaining about this stuff being raw for ages'
Gordon shouts, 'Uh, whatever.'
Gordon shouts, 'Oh.'
Gordon shouts, 'uh.... I've just been informed that the bacon has been raw for several months now, but we were unable to determine this until we fixed a bug with the pancakes, which were previously large enough to obscure the bacon.'
Gordon shouts, '... Oh, yeah, we nerfed your pancakes too.'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Ryasis.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got worse
Scrambled eggs looks at you threateningly - what would you like your tombstone to say?
You taste your eggs.
You are chilled to the bone.
You shout, 'oh man my eggs are cold'
Tunso shouts, 'petition a manager then'
You petition, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
Raynara shouts, 'Ack train to restroom!!!'
Aikbach says, 'Cailleach, I still can't believe you can eat this stuff'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Cailleach.'
Cailleach begins to cast a spell.
Cailleach is protected from poison.
Cailleach says, 'I always come prepared'
You shout, 'Man, where's the manager'
Kyrani shouts, 'Haha u pteitond a managr u sux0r'
Napoca tells you, 'Greetings, Ryasis, I am Napoca, the Denny's manager. How can I assist you?'
You tell Napoca, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
Napoca tells you, 'I will be with you as soon as possible, please stay patient'
You sip your coffee.
A cool breeze slips through your mind.
Napoca says, 'Greetings, Ryasis. Are your eggs still cold?'
You say, 'yes'
Napoca begins to cast a spell.
Scrambled eggs burst into flame.
Napoca says, 'Take care'
Elionia says, 'Ack, I don't feel so well'
Elionia begins to cast a spell.
Alka-Seltzer staggers.
Elionia staggers.
Elionia beams a smile at Alka-Seltzer.
Elionia says, 'Ahhh, I feel much better now...'
Denny's waiter says 'Here, let me clear that away for you.'
You say, 'Hey, wait, that's my food, I'm not done yet....'
You shout, 'Hey, this waiter took my food'
Erlen shouts, 'Yep, they do that sometimes if you let your food sit there'
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello there, Ryasis, how can I help you?'
You say, 'Check please'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, here you go.'
You gain experience!
You say, 'Hail Denny's cashier'
Denny's cashier says 'Hello there, would you like to pay your [check]?'
You say, 'Yes I want to pay my check'
You say, 'what about my check'
Denny's cashier says 'You must give me the check before I can reveal more to you.'
Denny's cashier says 'Ah, excellent! Would you like to know your [total]?'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Cashiers got better
You say, 'what is my total'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper. Will you be paying with a [MasterCard]?'
You say, 'yes I will use a mastercard'
Denny's cashier says 'Unfortunately your MasterCard is over-limit. Would you prefer to pay with [cash]?'
Your faction standing with MasterCard got worse
Your faction standing with Cheesy-Ass High-Interest-Rate Credit Card Companies got better
You say, 'yes I will pay with cash'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper then.'
You gain experience!
You receive 2 silver.
You receive 1 copper.
Denny's waiter says 'You have stiffed me on my tip for the last time!'
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 217 points of damage!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 204 points of damage!
Denny's waiter hits YOU for 226 points of damage!
Denny's waiter tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Denny's waiter bashes YOU for 74 points of damage!
You are stunned.
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 189 points of damage!
You are bleeding to death!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 221 points of damage!
You have been slain by Denny's waiter!
You are no longer stunned.
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...

And I found it... of course... The Quon.

Quon on the classes - part 1
The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.

As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I'm dropping the first in a series of definitive class breakdowns.

Bards - Band geeks who's natural defense involves a drum and blurry feet. Sounds like the wet dream of half of VI's geek ass dev team. On the aesthetic tip, The Quon digs the female bard in a big way, not a dog race in the bunch. As a class though, they have one of the worst naming track records in the game. Seriously..Notes, Chords, Melody, and such shit. C'mon, if I see one more Bard with some name like Halfnote McSongandDance or Minstril St.PolkaSinger, The Quon's gonna SL the whole class just on general principle. Not like that would matter much. When's the last time anyone actually hunted with a Bard anyway? I catch Mana Song whiffs every now and then around the nexus or in the GY's in PoP, but The Quon sure as shit never groups with one. I'm guessing there's a Swarm Kiting zone out there where they follow each other around in a clockwise circle jerk for xp. Fun. But I miss them, if only cause I want to bust out my old hot key, "Play mana song and rub my feet."

The Quon's general heal strategy for Bards: Hit 'em with a Celestial periodically as a gesture of good will, and if they insist on selfishly requiring the MCs valuable mana I wait until they're at 40% and i send them a /tell to "run!!". Then I giggle my ass off.

Beastlords - The Quon can count with his nuts the number of times he's grouped with these aberrations. But it seems like every fourth rez request is from one of these freaks who's all like "I need your help". If they pays, The Quon plays. Beastlords are another class dangerously close to mass Shit Listing based on having the most stupid names per capita. Petme SoftPuss, Catank, Tigerlily Growlinflower, WTF? The only way someone would invite a name like that to a group is if the group leaders were Seigfried and his man-toy Roy.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Beastlords: After I rez one, Celestial usually does the trick. In group? Who the fuck knows?


Druid -
Nature luvin piss ants. If you really want to keep Norrath beautiful, bring along a shovel to pick up after my horse while you wait for someone to call EVAC. Druids are the exiled pimp class of the nation. Never has a class had it so good for so long. And never has a class taken the pipe so deep and so hard and deserved it so much as these assclowns did. Druids are so out of style now I half expect to see them sporting Mullets and Parachute pants. Hell, the only worthwhile port a Druid can do now is for himself, back to a time when his shitcan class was relevent and fun. And Druids...listen up. Don't over-write The Quons buffs. Don't try to drop your second rate CH in front of me. It's just embarrassing. And more than a little sad. On a different note The Quon has a question. Why does it seem like droods can't even wipe their asses unless Tunare tells them too...it's always "By Tunares will this" and "By Tunares might that". By Tunares mouth they toss The Quon's salad... it's all holy roleplaying until they're gargling The Quon's 'SoW potion' in the back alleys of Shadowhaven.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Druids: None. Your heal's the shizz? Then use it on yourself.


Enchanter - I suggest that SOE make chanters start out at level 60 with KEI already memmed in their spellbooks. Prior to lvl 60 your only duty is to wear a skirt and look pretty. Even after 60 there is no need for you to be in a group, just cast KEI on us and beat it, go make some earrings or sit in the corner and whine about being useless. Maybe if your nukes had more punch than a snowball in summer I'd let you group with me, or if your pet could find it's own ass with a map and a ranger tracking for it. No shit, those animations should come with head gear and a Power Ranger backpack. Lastly, If you are a male and playing an enchanter delete that pansie ass toon right now, WTF were you thinking? All the Charisma points in the world won't make me like these asshats.

The Quon's general heal strategy for enchanters: None. It's like trying to grab a piece of toilet paper as it's swirling down the Crappa. If they can't "bedazzle" their way out of trouble then pfuck 'em and their short bus pets.


Magicians - All Mage's should line up in the hallways of Nexus like condom machines in a bathroom. To be truly useful to the Quon you will need to be able to summon the following: A Woodelf Honie with chest guns the size of West Karana, a stripper pole, a phat pile of dollar bills, and a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull 40's. The problem with these Mages is that The Quon has to ask for the shit. The instant The Quon joins a group with a Mage, he should be seeing a trade window with all the stuff that is of benefit to The Quon. Does the Quon look like a Mage to you? NO! How the phuck am I supposed to know what you have to offer? Show the Quon, dazzle him. Or else, just summon a spoon and eat the Quon's ass.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Magicians: Let's be real, The Quon watches the little green bar under the Mage's closer than he watches the Mage's. Yo, if the pet would stick around after a Mage died the Quon wouldn't even bother with a Rez.


Rangers - This one is just too easy, the Quon almost feels guilty rippin on Rangers. No matter what the Quon says about Rangers its been said before. No class has more emotional and physical scarring than the Ranger, the only choice is for The Quon to settle for picking open your scabs. Let's get real, Ranagers are the only class that could save considerable play time by creating a /consent Hot Key. Rangers should get an AA ability that would automatically spawn their corpse at the groups camp, would save everyone some friggin time. The Quon does group with Rangers though from time to time cause its wicked funny when one of their stray arrows catches a Druid in the eye. It's also funny to watch when it starts to rain or something and the Ranger loses HP's. It's like hunting with Bubble Boy. Female Ranger? Make yourself useful by foraging up a condom so the Quon can get his freak on, awwwww yeaaa. Male Ranger? Forage up a pair of pretty pink panties and put them on so it's easier for the Warrior to find your corpse, cause you know you'll get beat down too fast to get a /loc.

The Quon's general heal strategy for Rangers: Open spellbook, look waaaaay in the back for Greater Heal. That's all The Quon is willing to commit. Sometimes though, when The Quon has been getting his drink on, he'll toss The Big Heal Bomb on a Ranger for shits and giggles. And while I do it I scream in both group and say, "Who's a big boy?...Who's a big boy???". Sadly enough though, to get the Big Heal Bomb to land in time, The Quon has to start casting the night before.


Quon out

Part 2:

The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.

As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I'm busting down the second in a series of definitive class breakdowns.


Paladin - Self proclaimed "Holy Warriors" of EQ. First off, these 2nd class meat shields have the sweetest scam in the whole game short of the whole "Rez in my pocket" thing. Lay Hands is mad brilliant. "Hey, get your hands off my tits!" "Awww girl, I've gotta touch ya to heal ya."
The problems start when they do that shit to everyone. Male, Female, Ranger, whatever. For that reason, if there was a big ass shower in EQ and we all had to clean off after fights like it was gym class and shit, The Quon sure as hell would have his soap on a motha phuckin rope around The Paladin. It's all Truth, Honor, Integrity and shit until some young half elf exposes the Brown Eye, then its like a prison movie. Don't be all like "But The Quon, I'm really not gay, you're just looking a little under the weather, let me rub it better..." I swear to god if you ever inspect my equip, I'm gonna light your shit up, Yo. Oh, and if the shiat really hits the proverbial fan and The Quon looks like he may die, don't even THINK about Lay On Hands for The Quon. You'll just get a fist full of Divine Aura to grind up on.

The Quon's healing strategy for Paladins: The Quon keeps these phucks alive, he just does it from a distance.

Rogue - The Quon has an uber Bracer of the Hidden just for See Invis cause these mutherphuckers will sneak up on you like a yeasty queef in the night. They'll poke those tiny fingers up under your nose and shit and be all like "smell that". The Quon don't fall for that shit, he knows you stick your fingers up that Orc's ass while you're trying to pickpocket. And The Quon knows it ain't no accident. When The Quon was younger and newer to the ways of EQ love, he hooked up with this Halfling Rogue chick. She was mad nutty and had hands like one of those little diaper wearing helper monkeys. We got to it and she was all over The Quon, talking nasty in that secret Thief language about some shit The Quon didn't care about and sticking her fingers in every opening The Quon has. The Quon was hella turned on until she put her finger in his mouth. The Quon is dry heaving now thinking about. Plus it's a motha phuckin fact that they don't take care of their cha cha's if you get The Quons meaning.
Any time a rogue is in The Quon's group he send them a /tell right off, "Yo asspoker, if you want healed after you take a beatin because you can't control your own aggro you best be splittin that Pickpocket money with The Quon, 50/50 biatch. That doesn't include the DoT money you owe me either." Respect.
The Quon also likes to dog them about their poisons. "So you dropped mad cash and farmed green mobs for weeks to hit that mob with a 300 hp dot? Whoops, The Quon accidentally cast Sound of Force...220 damage and a stun for next to no mana, whoops, just did it again." Pwnd.

The Quon's healing strategy for rogues: Evade motha phucka. If the rogue has forked over phat platz then they will get a celestial here and there as needed, if not they better have a piercer that summons bandaids and shit.

Shadowknight - Not quite a Warrior and not quite a Necro. More often than not The Quon gets to group with the one who's gotten the Warriors brains and the Necros hp's. WTF? Transvestites have less of an identity crisis. Don't even try to play like you didn't choose a SK because you thought it had a "cool" name.
Every time The Quon sees a SK he wants to bust a cap in their ass. SK's should come in 12 packs cause they are about as useful as a busted condom once they've spent their HT load. The Quon could watch for the Harm Touch message and then be all like "NEXT!" and cycle those dozen candy asses through the group with mad haste. The 11 not in the group could entertain The Quon by /oocing words of amazement at eveything The Quon does..."Damn, The Quon can heal like a motha"..."Damn that's some good sitting", or making sure nothing is in The Quon's way when he trains the zone out.
Did you know that Knights have pets ? /boggle. That gimped animation has to /kneel before enchanter pets. I guess SOE gave them pity pets cause they knew a SK would never get a group. Seriously, have you ever seen a SK that didn't have LFG next to their name? For the longest time The Quon thought LFG was some kinda weird SK only guild. One of The Quon's favorite games is inviting a SK to the group, especially when he is somewhere remote like Sebilis and shit. They ALWAYS come, tails waggin and shit. When they finally arrive I'm like "dude, sorry, The Quon thought you were a warrior." After they calm down The Quon's all like "Do you have 11 friends?"

The Quon's healing strategy for ShadowKnights: If they fool The Quon and act like a Warrior they get The Big Heal Bomb. If at any time they do anything that clues The Quon in, it's Celestials all freakin night.

Warrior - Charter members of The Purple Club. When The Quon dreams at night it's mostly about Wood Elf bangtail, but every now and then, The Quon has a nice dream about a phat Barbarian Chick Warrior with chest guns like throwing boulders all walking like she's got two Halflings grappling to the death in her kilt, cold rocking 7,500 solid HP's and AC like The Quons SAT's (All 1500 and shit...yeahhh),and more Taunt than my drunk uncle on Thanksgiving. She does the purple dance on every single pull and is healed for 7,490 hp's every time. The Quon says "fetch" and she's off like a shot. The Quon says "ouch" and she's got him in her arms nestled all snug up in her grill like The Quon was a baby again and shit. The Quon says kill and she goes all bitchcakes on whatever The Quon wants dead. But that's a phucking dream and The Quon knows it.

The reality is that most warriors have got 5 brain cells and 4 of those are fighting over which one gets to beat the shit out the other 1, who's giggling, drooling and playing with himself over in the corner. When one of The Quons in-bred cousins stays over and begs The Quon to let him try EQ, what class does The Quon make him play? You know it. The Quons all like "put down the banjo and walk over to that orc and hit that button. Do that FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Boooya, now you're Cletus, Champion of Norrath, biatch."

The Quons healing strategy for Warriors: No hating here. The Big Heal Bomb was made for this shit. But you'd better come correct with the equipment. Don't make The Quon feel like he's over healing. Cause The Quon has no qualms about busting out Supernal Elixir on your ass and broadcasting his heal message to the whole zone AND your guild boss. "Supernal Elixir for this weak ass 62 Warrior cause The Big Heal Bomb is a phucking waste..."

Denny's and Quon made my day. tyvm =)

Quuuuoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Fun trivia: I wrote this. Glad to see it's still around. I have the 7 or 8 others I wrote too, I'll get around to posting them.

THE RANGER THEME SONG (2)
(Sing to the tune of "I Want You To Want Me", by Cheap Trick)

By Yendor Lootmonkey of Xegony

I want you to heal me.
I need you to heal me.
I'd love you to heal me.
I'm beggin' you to heal me.

I want you to heal me.
I need you to heal me.
I'd love you to heal me.
I'll give up the dual-wield swords, put on some AC buffs.
I'll stop tauntin those mobs
If you say
That you'll heal me.

Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Takin' all the hits and still aggro, you know I feel like cryin'.
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?

I want you to rez me.
I need you to rez me.
I'd love you to rez me.
I'm beggin' you to rez me.
I'll give up the dual-wield swords, put on some AC buffs.
I'll stop tauntin those mobs
If you say
That you'll rez me.

Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Takin' all the hits and still aggro, you know I feel like cryin'.
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?
Takin' all the hits and still aggro, you know I feel like cryin'.
Oh, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you see me dyin'?

I want you to heal me.
I need you to heal me.
I'd love you to heal me.
I'm beggin' you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.
I want you to heal me.