Project 1999 - So, You got Jokes? U Gotz Lulz?

Just wondering, I was looking around for some good eq jokes about gnomes but I did find a lot about rangers.

http://everquest.allakhazam.com/foru...932168322&h=50

Quote:

first there is a party in the local eq bar. all clases alredy partying but the ranger that despite having sow is last one to get there. s/he enters the bar................LOADING, PLEASE WAIT. returning to home point.

why did the ranger cross the street?..........to avoid aggro from the chicken.

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Q: What's the shortest ranger joke?
A: LFG

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How do trolls call dwarfes in plate armor?
Canned food.

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Why did the cleric refuse to heal the ranger?
Answer: It was more mana efficient to rez him.

What's the difference between a ranger and a corpse?
Answer: 10 seconds of agro

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Q: Why does it rain so much in the Karanas?
A: Because everytime a ranger dies, Tunare sheds a tear.

Q: How can you tell a ranger tried to break into your house??
A: Your cat is camping his corpse.

Q: Why do Rangers get some of the best haste items in the game?
A: So they can die faster.

Q: Why is ranger armor green and brown?
A: Green so they can find their corpse in the dirt and brown so they can find their corpse on the grass.

Q: What's the difference between an Orc Pawn and a Ranger?
A: An Orc Pawn doesn't get teased as much as the Ranger.

Q: What did Emperior Crush say when the 100th Ranger tried to solo him?
A: DING...!!!!!

Q: What's the difference between a Ranger and the security detail that accompanies James T Kirk on away missions?
A: Rangers don't have red shirts.

Q: What inspired Absor to come up with the Ranger class?
A: By watching Kenny in the various South Park episodes.

Q: What do you call a Ranger with over 356 days of play time?
A: Masochistic

Q: What's the only difference between Wild E Coyote and a Ranger?
A: A Ranger's death is usually not the result of items ordered from Acme.

Q: Why do Necros alway follow Rangers around?
A: There's always a body available for them to cast Wake the Dead.

Q)How many rangers does it take to change a lightbulb.
A)None, the bulb was still cooling and the damage they took from touching the barely warmed glass killed them instantly.

Q)Why do they call them rangers?
A)Because no one would play a "RezMe".

Q) Did you hear about the ranger who killed Vox?
A) He got caught in her throat on the way down and she choked to death.

Q) Why do Rangers last 30 seconds longer in Horizons?
A) They had to multiclass as as a Druid first.

Q: Why don't rangers get FD?
A: Because the fall to the ground would kill them.

Q: What do you call a Warrior with no arms and no legs?
A: I don't know, but it's better than a Ranger.

Q: How do you know when a ranger has been tanking?
A: They're ususally standing naked at their bind spot.

Q: Why is a Ranger like a cheap $20.00 whore?
A: They go DOWN on anything and everything

Q: Whats the shortest Ranger joke ever?
A: LFG.

Q: What do you call a druid that doesnt have any spells and thinks he can melee?
A: A Ranger!

Q: What is the difference between a ranger and a corpse?
A: 30 seconds of combat!

Q: What did one ranger say to the other at the soulbinder?
A: Do you come here often?

Q: Why did the Ranger cross the road ?
A: Because the chicken got him down to half a bub !

Q: What's the difference between a Ranger and Harry Potter?
A: One of them is a scrawny, 125lb weaking nerd that couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag and the other is a wizard.

Q: Why did Absor create the PoP expansion set with so many portal books?
A: To help Rangers reach their corpses faster.

Q: What name did Absor gave to forest warriors in EQ2?
A: Rangers 2.0

Q: Why do Clerics not heal Rangers?
A: It's more mana-efficient to res a ranger then to heal one.

Q: What are 3 things to ask rangers?
1. ) Ask if they need to get Aego before going in out door zones just in case it rains and they start losing HP.
2.) Ask them if they've made a "/consent" hotkey yet to save time.
3.) Ask them why they came to this raid, since there will be no need for them to eat any DT's.

Q)Did you hear about the level 65 Ranger who was really tough and was always wanted in groups?
A)-And you never will either.

Quote:

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.
The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.
The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!

!

Some funny stories, not quite jokes but still

http://ancarett.com/eqhumour.html

Quote:

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a dick about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "wtf"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east wtf???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner

Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "wtf? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.

Mujahid Mukhtaar
Questmaster of the Enchanted Circle (Solusek Ro Server)

Quote:

I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.

I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. Gulp.

My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.

I forgot that I was in typing mode.

The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.

I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.

He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.

[sigh]