[Kekephee]

Shadows cast by the lantern loomed menacingly on the side of the tent as Chest rapped his fingers on the table to silence the assembled. Sadad, hearing the signal, raised one finger to his lips as the other hand came up above his head and made a peace sign- the "quiet sign." Within moments, the officer core of BDA, who had gathered in the tent for this meeting, were all silent as they duplicated the gesture.

"Ok, you sillies," Chest said, "we have something very serious to discuss. I want you all to put your very serious Officer Hats on."

The officers, realizing the gravity of whatever situation was about to unfold, made very serious faces and put some invisible hats on their head. Now they were ready for a war meeting. The time had come to-

"IS IT ABOUT THE JUICE BOXES?" Vetus shrieked from the back of the room. Valse, sitting next to him, slugged him in the arm.

"Quiet, Vetus!" Valse hissed. "Serious hats are on!"

"I am being serious!" Vetus replied indignantly, rubbing his sore arm. "I want juice box points back!"

"Juice box points aren't coming back!" Nibblewitz barked. "It was a terrible system. Everybody was wetting their beds. Now shut up and listen. I am the meanest BDA officer." Everybody nodded in agreement- Nibblewitz truly was the meanest BDA officer.

"It's not that he's the harshest, or the strictest," Blaza said through a telephone (on which he was being patched in for a conference call to the meeting, from within the safety of his Punishment Room,) it's just that he says really personal things and really hurts your feelings. You're just trying to get through Siren's Grotto and he's like, 'this is why your girlfriend moved to Boston and you started playing EQ again- because you're a bad human.'" Everyone once again nodded in agreement- Nibblewitz truly did have a teenage cheerleader's ability to sniff out the one thing that would hurt you the most and dig right into it. He was catty AF.

"Everybody shut up!" Relbaic said. "The meeting!"

"I'm going to get straight to the point," Chest said darkly. "We received some news. Tekilya Mockingbird, BDA public enemy number, like, 8, is going... away."

Cheers came forth from the assembled. Anakarias and Kekephee had been passing stamps back and forth and licking them.

"Try this one!" "It also tastes like glue!" "Yeah I think so too. What about this one?" "Still glue!" "I love you, Anakarias." "I love you, too, Kekephee. You're the only other officer in this guild who understands me." On hearing the news about Tekilya, they both stopped their licking and snapped to attention- this was big.

"What are we going to do?" Djones asked from inside of a toilet. His hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting.

"That's what I called this meeting to talk about," Chest said. "There's more. The reason he's going away, is... he's going to prison. For five years."

The atmosphere in the room changed dramatically. What once had been a celebration was now a funeral.

"Five years," Valse said thoughtfully as he wiped some drool off of his lap, "that sounds like a drug charge."

"The war on drugs and the privatization of corrections have really fucked this country up," Lacie said as Sadad painted her toenails. "It's absolutely disgusting." Sadad looked up from his work, stared into Lacie's eyes, and said, "yooooo wiiiiiite, baaaad pwwwwiiisooooon."

"Quiet, Sadad!" Anichek shrieked across the room. "The silence gift is still upon you!"


"This is the point," Chest said. "This is what we need to talk about. We all, moderately, didn't really want that guy around, but this is too much. I wouldn't wish 5 years in prison on my worst enemy. Anyone who's ever been in a concrete room with no window for more than a day knows what I'm talking about. So, we have a clear choice to make, here. I propose... that we arrange for Rebbon to take Tekilya's pl-"

Before Chest could finish the sentence, everybody screamed YES, PLEASE and they all went into the group home where the rest of BDA was sleeping and dragged Rebbon out of his bed and brought him to the prison where the entire world agreed this was a good plan and the President of the United States issued a formal decree that made it possible