Quote:
Originally Posted by James_Joyce
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The ultimate goal of all my posting on these boards is to drive you to become a better person. As I have said here in the past, I am a being of love and pure light.
I don't know everything about you, but I'm positive your physical body was not at homeostasis at birth with a large dose of antidepressants and exogenous hormones in your bloodstream. The idea that it's acceptable to live daily life addicted to chemicals that don't do anything for your health, but instead just make you feel different enough to hide from reality, is toxic and evil and deeply disturbing to hear coming from medical authority figures. You want to joke about me worshiping dark gods?
Did you ever try losing the weight, getting out of the hellish labyrinth of Satanism that is the US military, and trying to do something crazy and exciting all simultaneously before the hormones and antidepressants? Or has there been nonstop overlap between military, antidepressants and/or hormones, being overweight, and being sedentary since the time you enlisted?
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Dood yes. Lol. I even had sex and proposed to marry a sweet girl with 3 kids. Worked many different jobs. IT, and labor, and retail sales associate, everything from life sucking drudgery, to exciting bullshit with the satans army. Climbing mountains. Archery, Skydiving, lots of traveling to the coastal states. Digital forensics, hacking, electrical engineering, computer security and intrusion detection, college, welding. I was a regular jack of all trades, master of none, bored with all the fucking shit 1% er.
I did most of that because I had to survive though. Or prove something to myself, or face death. Or push myself past death. I even had a brief unfulfilling period of hanging with my bros at the strip clubs and hookers, and fighting in parking lots and just being fucking nuts.
Also, it's impossible to satisfy a partner if you can't ever satisfy yourself. And I'm talking about more than sex. I'm talking about as a couple, a partner, a team. If you hate yourself, or are jealous, or unsatisfied with yourself, your partner can never fill that void.
Shit I did tons of glorious shit in my 30 previous years on this earth. But living in denial eventually drove me more and more towards alcoholism (to self medicate) and isolation and anger. Until I decided facing what my real problems were with myself.
I was in great fit shape most of that time from 20-30. I know who I am
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Now I am perusing a creative side, I do nails, and I do hair, and I am re-learning how to draw. And I want to learn to sing and dance. I couldn't do that as a guy because of the shame and hate I had for myself. And because I really was raised to hate women, femininity, and 'the inferior' sex. The one I always identified with, even pre-puberty and post puberty. I had a twisted childhood that didn't let me discover or be who I wanted to be. That little girl who always wanted to save the environment/dolphins, but no I got my face beat in on the playground and at home every damn day until I was able to dish it back out.
Then I kept everyone so far away out of fear for my, and their safety because I was truly a really crazy motherfucker. That is/was hell. Also living with that much stress and adrenaline, and wanting to kill everything that ever moved because everything is a threat. Because you cant let your guard down ever, or show your true self ever, or emotion, or weakness ever.
You tell me, should I hate myself, my body, my societally assigned gender and gender role and be constantly suicidal.
Or should I find solace that in transitioning I can fully express who I am and reconcile my spirtual and analytical rational self with my organic meatsack?