For Episode I (
https://www.project1999.com/forums/s...d.php?t=288935)
In the calm tranquility of Northern Felwithe...
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His head throbbed. "Ugh...throbbing was a bad word choice for some reason", Tuluven thought to himself. After a groan, he managed to open his eyes, only to find several priests standing around him.
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Their leader, Yeolarn raised his chin and spoke: "Tuluven, you are awake! It has taken the collective might of the Clerics of Tunare to rid you of your drug-induced stupor. Alas, you have also suffered many grave wounds."
Tuluven inspected himself. There were several abrasions around his lower back, as if someone had been thrusting there but was not quite sure how to do it properly. Surely this was the work of Lhancelot... "What happened, Master Yeolarn? I remember nothing save that I was set on by a mechanical beast."
The Grandmaster Cleric nodded his head voraciously, rustling his alabaster hair. "You were happened upon by Dill Fireshine in the middle of the Steamfont Mountains. Your pants were about your ankles and your demeanor was that of an inconsolable stripling." Yeolarn sighed. "I fear if not for Dill, your state would have been grave."
Tuluven continued to look about his person. "And what of my breastplate and my leggings!? I have been robbed!"
"You have not been robbed, young Druid. You sold your belongings for more peyote not a fortnight past. Do you truly remember nothing? Have you heard nothing!? The Clerics of Tunare have worked tirelessly to rebind your mortal and mental coils. You were defeated by Lhancelot and his Gnomish-Engineered Dildo Machine. It has been terrorizing the countryside and you are being blamed for its release."
"Well piss", Tuluven muttered to himself. "There has to be something I can do!"
"There is more. Even worse, the Gods have seen it fit to destroy the entire continent due to the threat this dildo machine poses. They have cast a powerful summoning spell to crush the continent: The Moon of Phenyo. It will decimate Faydwer in 72 hours if you do nothing." Yeolarn gracefully rose a plated arm towards the door and gestured. "Follow me outside."
Tuluven looked to the sky and could not believe his eyes.
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Yeolarn continued, "There is but one hope for us. Travel to the deserts outside Freeport and locate a gnome named Ping Fuzzlecutter. He searches for a long lost artifact that will aid us. It will dispel Lhancelot's power in one fell swoop."
Tuluven sprang to his feet. "I will waste no time!" Tuluven knew after being de-pants'd and likely fucked unconscious by this dildo machine he had to save some face. He began a wicked awesome port spell with many bright lights and vibrant colors to try to impress the elves, but instead fizzled several times and had to meditate.
*le sigh*
Before long, he had made it to Freeport to seek out Ping Fuzzlecutter:
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"Bork bork!" Tuluven announced himself. He began a long ramble to bring Mr. Fuzzlecutter up to speed. After some conversation, Ping led Tuluven to his excavations and pointed towards a skull he had uncovered.
"Do not come any closer!" Ping warned. "I have dug for this skull in this very spot for 19 years. Finally the fruits of my labor will be realized." He called over his assistant, a halfling who he had lovingly named "Derpington" and they began to meticulously uncover the ancient skull. Derpington looked similar to Filbus, as if he were his retarded cousin. Tuluven wondered if there was a relation...
Without much warning, Derpington let out a wild autistic screech and brought his excavation tool down with +50 bulging retard strength:
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Ping looked horrifed and instinctively laid a mean backhand to Derpington's face. "You fool of Took! We have been here for part-near two decades and you fuck this up! Leave it to a hobbit! I have half a mind to...t-". Ping seemed to trail off as he reached into the back of the skull and uncovered something. An ancient and powerful artifact: The Statue of Baler. "By Brell...we've found it." He identified the statue:
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Tuluven piped up, "Uh yeah, I'm gonna need that. There's a super high moon about to jack up Felwithe or something. I'm told this statue has the power to stop it."
Ping shook his head. "You do not know the power of this artifact, wood elf. This statue has very large coat-tails. They are the only thing that can stop Lhancelot, for he wishes to ride on them to ForumQuesting victory."
Tuluven did not quite understand what all that was about, but he wished to take part nonetheless, mostly because it sounded very exciting and ominous. He snatched the artifact with doggo swiftness and equipped it to his RANGE slot.
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Now he was ready. Tuluven would make his journey back to the Steamfont Mountains to dispatch of Lhancelot and his dildo machine, which would hopefully stave off the God's anger and convince them to recall the Moon of Phenyo, which would almost certainly spell immediate doom for all of Faydwer's inhabitants.
He ran his doggo legs back to Steamfont with undue haste, as Ping and Derpington screeched angrily, fading away in the distance of the setting desert landscape...
To be continued...