Quote:
Originally Posted by BarnabusCollins
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"For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms"
1. stay the fuck off their land its not yours
2. they never fucked with any freedoms, but they were the scapegoat of 9.11
You went crazy because you were going against the will of God Almighty. Change it.
Love one another, as I have loved you, He said.
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Believe you me. I wish life were this simple. You may be right about going against God's will. In the present. I respect how you feel. I wish you well with all the good will I can spare.
Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danth
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Trying to cut your own throat is pretty hardcore. Most men simply use a pistol. You must have been in a pretty bad place. I assume you left out the worst of it; if so, that's good sense. This forum has too many posters who want to pick a fight to have much value as a support group. You're not a total failure though. If you were you'd be posting from a prison cell or from the hereafter.
You said things have gone downhill. What do you regard as your own greatest obstacle to finding stability?
Danth
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You're right. Yeah, I didn't post out of need for support. At least not consciously. I won't rule out the subconscious. My attempted suicides have all been real fun(tm). Not really. I shouldn't glorify it. And that isn't my intention. I have struggled deeply with self hatred.
I didn't want to engage in psychotherapy here. Let's just say there is buried within my psyche the kind of monster the likes of which only God has seen. Whenever I try to do good or God's will. I end up going over the knifes edge and I have very very bad impulse control. I don't think I have resolved anything from that traumatic moment that wound me up restrained, and drugged in a children's hospital mental ward. I have not been able to solo my way out of that hell for any long period of time. And I think the only reason I made it as far as I did in the military is because there was a legitimate target for that monster to be directed towards. I can't word it. I'm not in the appropriate emotional state to really tackle this and answer this question right now.
It's just real bad man. And Thanks for thinking about it.
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My greatest, and deepest hope is that others can learn from my mistakes. My failures. And that my life as wretched and stupid as it has been. Well. Someone will learn to not neglect a child, or to do the right thing and stand up for what's right. I wasn't able to kill the monster in my pscyche. I don't even know why I have been spared prison.
I should be in prison. I should have been strapped down to a table and euthanized. Just for being such a failure, defective waste of life alone. But that's niether here, nor there, it's pointless to dwell on that. I'm actually kinda upset that people are keeping me alive on life support. I really don't deserve it. I should just die. I don't want to kill myself again though. I can't go through that again. Last time, was in 2018 and I did it in the VA psyche ward to spare my family the grief of watching me do it in front of them. It wasn't a good idea and I regret it. I am afraid I finally succeeded and this is my personal hell, which I must finally accept until my brain completely dies the rest of the way.