[magnetaress]

I often fear survival in conflict and what I may endure or do. More than death itself.
***heads up really all the trigger warnings***

 

It's hard to live when death is so comforting. I was around a lot of death and violence in person again recently, multiple death x guns and a stabbing. I said prayers for them and people gave their last rights. I felt great empathy and worry for the victim of the stabbing. More so that others still needed her and her potential.

In the end though it all was super peaceful. I really do feel like they went to better places. I even prayed for the soul of the stabber. A few of the deaths where unrelated to that and I truly felt it was there time to part from their bodies.

In some ways I feel that I have a duty to bare life out. Because this is it. This is the only one like this with this ego. There's a certain duty to others. I cannot hurt. And also the G-d thing. That keeps me going I guess. Albeit somewhat timidly because I don't want personally to be involved in harmful actions, thoughts, or words. Butt part of life is dealing with it. I cry a lot lately too when faced with danger directly. Which is liberating because it's better than feeling hatred and aversion. It's a lot easier in some ways to be a bystander than to have to personally face it all again.