Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecily
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Nihilism let me take the leap of faith. I didn't care where it lead, salvation or self-destruction. I wasn't happy living life as I was. Happier for it? Maybe. Certainly nowhere near the best case scenario I imagined. Pretty far off from the worst case. It's just kind of... life. It's less of a big deal. Overall, less anxious out in the world. That brings me more peace of mind than I hoped to get from transition and I think I only got it because I transitioned. I did something really scary. Proud of that. Hope to get over it someday.
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You will. There's a lot more to you than you know. I feel it. Your Physicality, physiology is just one aspect, and like you said, you had the opportunity to address that in a nihilistic fashion. So, hopefully you can move on some? Some people spend their entire lives devoted to trying to stay young, pretty, and attractive though, regardless of transitioning. You say you wanted social acceptance, but what are the other reasons?
Most of mine where, are selfish, vain, I'm happier being honest about this personally. And it makes the sting of aging and dying easier.
I was a little nihilistic too. I'm not proud of surviving, but I am greatful for the opportunity to reflect on it. Sometimes I think I could be doing better without having transitioned, but knowing what I do now. Understanding some of the why without feeling the need to change myself and take the risk I did.
I imagine myself being really strong and earning a good living helping soldiers at the VA understand their anger and violent trauma. It's possible I ruined that opportunity by transitioning. I'm not ruling it out. But I guilt trip about it.
At least I have the opportunity to keep talking to people and trying to help where I can.
Keeping these replies a little off the cuff, and brief, sorry if I make assumptions or miss the point.