Confessions of a Rageaholic

[Hasbinbad]

How do you circumcise Spicy?

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..waaaait for iiiiit..

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..waaaaaaaaaait for iiiiiiiiiittt..

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..kick his sister in the chin!!

[Cyrano]

Originally Posted by Straif [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

For as long as I can remember I've been VERY angry.

I grew up a fat kid, got ranked on and what not. Blistering self-hatred and a violent anger streak molded me into a very aggressive, brooding, and introverted person. In a sense it helped me somewhat: I built a reputation not to be fucked with by way of reacting to confrontation with violence, so I stopped getting ridiculed (to my face anyway). Years later a limitless self-loathing attitude drove me to change my physical appearance in a very positive way. I became extremely focused on my goals and found great success in the things I embarked on.

My biggest problem though is that I haven't been able to shed my negative mentality. I alienated myself from people over the years and because of that my social experiences have suffered greatly. Regardless of my physical transformation, from a psychological point of view I still maintain probably the lowest level of self body image one can conceive. I'm overly critical of everything I do and how I look. When I go places I'm constantly in the mind set of "everyone is out to get me / judge me".

I have made considerable progress but inevitably I fall back to square one. I'm very eager to get involved and meet new people but at certain times I feel a great amount of pressure when in social situations. From what I understand the longer a person spends away from social interaction the harder it is for one to develop normal social skills. Recently I began experiencing panic attacks (I think? shortness of breath, increased heart rate, trembling voice, hands shaking). I've thrown away countless sexual encounters because I put women on a pedestal and convince myself "No, I'm ugly, fat, a bad person, etc". This issue is compounded when I caught flack for it by my peers consistently, "Why didn't you fuck Jenny? Shes been talking about you for weeks on end bro, shes been going out of her way to get you to herself"

It seems everything pushes my buttons. Turn on the news: /rage. Walk outside and see someone glowering at me: /rage. Dying to a skeleton at level 2 in EQ: /rage. There is no release. I try to relax but nothing brings me to my center. Some people suggest pot & alcohol and as much as I'm opposed to turning to substances to mask a more serious issue EVEN THOSE don't work.

I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I have to try and make up time but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. The people I do meet and become friendly with often want me to compromise myself. I live in South Florida (Miami specifically), one of the rudest cities in America. Our cultural mixing pot breeds some of the most arrogant assholes on the face of the earth. (I.E. I witnessed a father laugh when he son of maybe 8 - 9 years old spit on a homeless man... I'm dead serious). I know not every human being is like this but many people down here are aware of shit like that and thus turn to spiteful people as well.

I'm constantly tired, I get horrible sleep, I live most of days as if I'm dreaming / out of focus of the rest of the world. I'm either overly concerned with self image / other people / or being extremely frustrated, angry, or depressed. I need help. I don't know what to go, or where to turn. (I'm broke and my family isn't the greatest)

Everquest isn't going to rehab me. It's a great escape but I think I need to really get my shit together. I had a good run... in 1999. If I accomplished something worthwhile than I wouldn't say I'm a fuck up but in all honesty I wasted so much time being a temperamental fat kid on EQ pissing away my youth. I just turned 24 and I feel like an enormous fuck up, regardless of having a stellar return in college.

I didn't have anything of value on P99 so I'm sorry I can't give any leet stuff away. If anyone thinks they can offer me some beneficial advice, I'm all ears.

I posted this in R&F because someone recently made light of people being so furious in forums and in game. Honestly.. in the world in general. I just wanted to remind everyone there are real people behind computer screens. We should all aim to be nicer to others, and be the change we want to see in the world.

Take it easy gang, it's been real.

Take that rage and become a plaintiff's attorney.

[Loquan]

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[Straif]

Small update... been searching for a local therapist / psychologist, everyone wants an insane amount of $$$ just to see you for the first time.

Anyone know of a search engine that will track down local therapy groups / etc?

[xorbier]

Originally Posted by Straif [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Small update... been searching for a local therapist / psychologist, everyone wants an insane amount of $$$ just to see you for the first time.

Anyone know of a search engine that will track down local therapy groups / etc?

I think it's cool you're so open about the issue and actively seeking advice. Much respect.

I'd ask around and look online. I will preface this by saying I'm not religious but there are many "christian" or other religious group councilors that will charge significantly less money (usually half of the normal rate) while being as qualified as the regular therapists. And they do not add their religious views! I'm not a religious person and at one point in my life I did use one of these councilors for at the time there was no way I could afford the regular rate that the majority of them charged. At no point did the dude bring up religion which I appreciated.

Good luck man!

[Pabruzzese99]

Originally Posted by PhelanKA [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

@OP - I wouldn't get help/advice from here. Get professional help or at the very least keep the Kodak moment shit to yourself. Quitting EQ and these forums would be an excellent start.

Couldn't agree more. MMO players, including myself, are inherently greedy, narcisistic, exhaustingly judgemental (internet anonymity to blame for that) and more-often-than-not, have a false, transparent sense of authority on what's best for other people.

Get as far away from these assholes and shitbags, and get to a professional if you want a fighting chance.

[jenga]

EQ was one of the best games to rage at back in the day, and I'm sure that's why most of us are still here on P99 because secretly we all love to do the shit that makes us and others rage!

We're all pretty f'd up.

[SkullThrone]

I know how you feel bro...I really do. I was never overweight in really any way, good physique etc not upset with my appearance - on the contrary, I'm better looking than 95% of most men out there - It'd be too vain to say Im the better out of all of em, but I got no girl to show for - I mean thats what looks could be for ...right? (just from my own point of view, but my youth is withering, I feel it go now, EQ was 11 yrs ago..I played on Rallos now and then)...but I can connect with you on a very deep level, and though I read your post months back, and never responded, I did indeed as well play my share of EQ back in the day I was a PK...its something I have seen once more with the EMU, but in my case, I just feel like my youth is slowly withering...

I hear you loud and clear my friend on the part where you said about that girl how you just threw the chance you had with her away...oh my god, I hear that so clearly - I always managed to get caged up in some regret over this, and the problem is similar to yours man, expect for the fact that I know I am great looking and a really good, fun, down to earth and decent guy and confidence is not an issue - so many chances.. but I ignored it within and tempered myself into thinking that it doesnt matter, or they could just go with someone else just as easily...or, what the hell do they want with me...or..they have their own priorities they go their own way anyway or...Im always alone anyway, and its been so long whats the point -- its a depressing thought. At least take some confidence you aren't like me and hitting the big 3 o and still a virgin. Oh you can take your buddhist points of view, thats nice, feel calm and everything is right - but when it comes down to it...thats a lot of life with no love, especially when your pretty adequate and a raging sex beast to boot with no outlet - hard times with no prison but the cage that surrounds me. But you really touched on several feelings with that post I can totally 100% mega connect with, especially that one, believe me I really can if no one else that sees this can....

Thats terrible and pitiful people can even think of doing such things to others in what was it? Miami? ...

It's an even harder life when you have every single girl staring at you, and you cant do a Godamn thing about it...it'll shred you up in no time. I beat myself daily (not that way - heh, not always) mentally over it, and it boils me down within a little more with each passing day, just the whips and scorns of my own time that Im having a hard time finding ease in with this whole thing...its almost akin to..just an end of things...this whole being..but I take to extremes -- and its my fault because I know when (if ever, as I say Im just getting older and withering faster, or I feel as if it is that way) the next time anything female tries to step forward I will say something under my breath like..."ehy" and when she actually gives some silly number I got this whole self-loathing speel I have to just spill out when if it ever comes...been at least a decade since one that had any meaning to me offered one, heh.. funny thing is, I just bought a cellphone..will never use it, but its like god is throwing numbers at me because it is the easiest gdamn number in the whole world to remember - as if this force is mocking me or telling me hey its an easy number to remember, maybe you have some better chance...I dont know like you said man....the longer it is away from all the aspects of close sociality the stranger or weirder it is to get back into it...I had really great friends but those times are gone, and man, I dont know what to say, but I really wish I could send some kinda blessing to you, because Im all out of hope and shadowed over with all this - then again it could just turn into another man's curse, and damn no one deserves this...great person, nothing to show for..its the mentality of the compartmentalized megapolis..but I dont know, it is also not so great location even though it is pretty busy.

I always liked the comment someone made on this youtube video with that song by Sponge called Plowed:


"Alright, here is my interpretation. I'm firing from the hip here. To see wide open with a head that's broken = some negative experience has broadened the perspective of the speaker Hang a life on some tragedy = The mind opening experience is the fulcrum on which the speaker's life is balanced. ? Plow me under the ground that covers the message that is the seed = The speaker cannot surmount his troubles, but he will leave behind a message that might become something better."


That hit home for me, just the interpretation of the lyrics..so ya I dont know what to do anymore - doesnt matter what ya look like, who you are what you have how great of a person you may be..if there's no opportunity its like you cant squeeze blood from a stone, just how it is...for me at least. Im all over too, but oh well like they say in tibetan buddhism, a human life is a very rare thing with regards to the whole essence of incarnations and reincarnates etc...I absolutely love who I am but sometimes I scroll up within a secret death wish - funny thing is, I never felt that way when the youth is most succeptible to it, you know like in high school and such...had a great time then. Sad thing bein trapped in such a great body, great person, great attributes, ethics good takes and jokes and laughs and personalities on things, remembering how much of a good kid you mighta been..and then end up with nobody ever with ya. But its like even as if, every man is an island... dont let your anger get to you, work on what you can change try not to worry about what you cant..


Also, a.......very long time ago, when I was in the Nektulos Forest, (which I joined later to have a chance to fight the biggest guild on the server after I got forsaken) there was a certain....Necromancer....his name was Shadowmancer... after he had killed players here and there, and he said: "There is no EQ anonymous" being it all dark and such and crossing over the bridge it kinda stuck with me...its true...and it is pretty much a solo thing involved with others, and I guess it could even be extended to life itself, seeing everything else in such a way from our own characters pov...what is there to simply confide in within these realms.

Oh I got too involved with this post...I'll end it, but ya I hear you man I really do- best times to you, with the possible unexplored greatness of the unknown ahead..take care of yourself.

[Hasbinbad]

Originally Posted by SkullThrone [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I know how you feel bro...I really do. I was never overweight in really any way, good physique etc not upset with my appearance - on the contrary, I'm better looking than 95% of most men out there - It'd be too vain to say Im the better out of all of em, but I got no girl to show for - I mean thats what looks could be for ...right? (just from my own point of view, but my youth is withering, I feel it go now, EQ was 11 yrs ago..I played on Rallos now and then)...but I can connect with you on a very deep level, and though I read your post months back, and never responded, I did indeed as well play my share of EQ back in the day I was a PK...its something I have seen once more with the EMU, but in my case, I just feel like my youth is slowly withering...

I hear you loud and clear my friend on the part where you said about that girl how you just threw the chance you had with her away...oh my god, I hear that so clearly - I always managed to get caged up in some regret over this, and the problem is similar to yours man, expect for the fact that I know I am great looking and a really good, fun, down to earth and decent guy and confidence is not an issue - so many chances.. but I ignored it within and tempered myself into thinking that it doesnt matter, or they could just go with someone else just as easily...or, what the hell do they want with me...or..they have their own priorities they go their own way anyway or...Im always alone anyway, and its been so long whats the point -- its a depressing thought. At least take some confidence you aren't like me and hitting the big 3 o and still a virgin. Oh you can take your buddhist points of view, thats nice, feel calm and everything is right - but when it comes down to it...thats a lot of life with no love, especially when your pretty adequate and a raging sex beast to boot with no outlet - hard times with no prison but the cage that surrounds me. But you really touched on several feelings with that post I can totally 100% mega connect with, especially that one, believe me I really can if no one else that sees this can....

Thats terrible and pitiful people can even think of doing such things to others in what was it? Miami? ...

It's an even harder life when you have every single girl staring at you, and you cant do a Godamn thing about it...it'll shred you up in no time. I beat myself daily (not that way - heh, not always) mentally over it, and it boils me down within a little more with each passing day, just the whips and scorns of my own time that Im having a hard time finding ease in with this whole thing...its almost akin to..just an end of things...this whole being..but I take to extremes -- and its my fault because I know when (if ever, as I say Im just getting older and withering faster, or I feel as if it is that way) the next time anything female tries to step forward I will say something under my breath like..."ehy" and when she actually gives some silly number I got this whole self-loathing speel I have to just spill out when if it ever comes...been at least a decade since one that had any meaning to me offered one, heh.. funny thing is, I just bought a cellphone..will never use it, but its like god is throwing numbers at me because it is the easiest gdamn number in the whole world to remember - as if this force is mocking me or telling me hey its an easy number to remember, maybe you have some better chance...I dont know like you said man....the longer it is away from all the aspects of close sociality the stranger or weirder it is to get back into it...I had really great friends but those times are gone, and man, I dont know what to say, but I really wish I could send some kinda blessing to you, because Im all out of hope and shadowed over with all this - then again it could just turn into another man's curse, and damn no one deserves this...great person, nothing to show for..its the mentality of the compartmentalized megapolis..but I dont know, it is also not so great location even though it is pretty busy.

I always liked the comment someone made on this youtube video with that song by Sponge called Plowed:


"Alright, here is my interpretation. I'm firing from the hip here. To see wide open with a head that's broken = some negative experience has broadened the perspective of the speaker Hang a life on some tragedy = The mind opening experience is the fulcrum on which the speaker's life is balanced. ? Plow me under the ground that covers the message that is the seed = The speaker cannot surmount his troubles, but he will leave behind a message that might become something better."


That hit home for me, just the interpretation of the lyrics..so ya I dont know what to do anymore - doesnt matter what ya look like, who you are what you have how great of a person you may be..if there's no opportunity its like you cant squeeze blood from a stone, just how it is...for me at least. Im all over too, but oh well like they say in tibetan buddhism, a human life is a very rare thing with regards to the whole essence of incarnations and reincarnates etc...I absolutely love who I am but sometimes I scroll up within a secret death wish - funny thing is, I never felt that way when the youth is most succeptible to it, you know like in high school and such...had a great time then. Sad thing bein trapped in such a great body, great person, great attributes, ethics good takes and jokes and laughs and personalities on things, remembering how much of a good kid you mighta been..and then end up with nobody ever with ya. But its like even as if, every man is an island... dont let your anger get to you, work on what you can change try not to worry about what you cant..


Also, a.......very long time ago, when I was in the Nektulos Forest, (which I joined later to have a chance to fight the biggest guild on the server after I got forsaken) there was a certain....Necromancer....his name was Shadowmancer... after he had killed players here and there, and he said: "There is no EQ anonymous" being it all dark and such and crossing over the bridge it kinda stuck with me...its true...and it is pretty much a solo thing involved with others, and I guess it could even be extended to life itself, seeing everything else in such a way from our own characters pov...what is there to simply confide in within these realms.

Oh I got too involved with this post...I'll end it, but ya I hear you man I really do- best times to you, with the possible unexplored greatness of the unknown ahead..take care of yourself.

You're gay.

[Serith]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqR_SwwByMM

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