Confessions of a Rageaholic

[Straif]

For as long as I can remember I've been VERY angry.

I grew up a fat kid, got ranked on and what not. Blistering self-hatred and a violent anger streak molded me into a very aggressive, brooding, and introverted person. In a sense it helped me somewhat: I built a reputation not to be fucked with by way of reacting to confrontation with violence, so I stopped getting ridiculed (to my face anyway). Years later a limitless self-loathing attitude drove me to change my physical appearance in a very positive way. I became extremely focused on my goals and found great success in the things I embarked on.

My biggest problem though is that I haven't been able to shed my negative mentality. I alienated myself from people over the years and because of that my social experiences have suffered greatly. Regardless of my physical transformation, from a psychological point of view I still maintain probably the lowest level of self body image one can conceive. I'm overly critical of everything I do and how I look. When I go places I'm constantly in the mind set of "everyone is out to get me / judge me".

I have made considerable progress but inevitably I fall back to square one. I'm very eager to get involved and meet new people but at certain times I feel a great amount of pressure when in social situations. From what I understand the longer a person spends away from social interaction the harder it is for one to develop normal social skills. Recently I began experiencing panic attacks (I think? shortness of breath, increased heart rate, trembling voice, hands shaking). I've thrown away countless sexual encounters because I put women on a pedestal and convince myself "No, I'm ugly, fat, a bad person, etc". This issue is compounded when I caught flack for it by my peers consistently, "Why didn't you fuck Jenny? Shes been talking about you for weeks on end bro, shes been going out of her way to get you to herself"

It seems everything pushes my buttons. Turn on the news: /rage. Walk outside and see someone glowering at me: /rage. Dying to a skeleton at level 2 in EQ: /rage. There is no release. I try to relax but nothing brings me to my center. Some people suggest pot & alcohol and as much as I'm opposed to turning to substances to mask a more serious issue EVEN THOSE don't work.

I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I have to try and make up time but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. The people I do meet and become friendly with often want me to compromise myself. I live in South Florida (Miami specifically), one of the rudest cities in America. Our cultural mixing pot breeds some of the most arrogant assholes on the face of the earth. (I.E. I witnessed a father laugh when he son of maybe 8 - 9 years old spit on a homeless man... I'm dead serious). I know not every human being is like this but many people down here are aware of shit like that and thus turn to spiteful people as well.

I'm constantly tired, I get horrible sleep, I live most of days as if I'm dreaming / out of focus of the rest of the world. I'm either overly concerned with self image / other people / or being extremely frustrated, angry, or depressed. I need help. I don't know what to go, or where to turn. (I'm broke and my family isn't the greatest)

Everquest isn't going to rehab me. It's a great escape but I think I need to really get my shit together. I had a good run... in 1999. If I accomplished something worthwhile than I wouldn't say I'm a fuck up but in all honesty I wasted so much time being a temperamental fat kid on EQ pissing away my youth. I just turned 24 and I feel like an enormous fuck up, regardless of having a stellar return in college.

I didn't have anything of value on P99 so I'm sorry I can't give any leet stuff away. If anyone thinks they can offer me some beneficial advice, I'm all ears.

I posted this in R&F because someone recently made light of people being so furious in forums and in game. Honestly.. in the world in general. I just wanted to remind everyone there are real people behind computer screens. We should all aim to be nicer to others, and be the change we want to see in the world.

Take it easy gang, it's been real.