Lhancelot, The Chimera

[d3r14k]

Meanwhile, as our heroes made their way to Steamfont to dispatch the villain Lhancelot, the dreaded Moon of Phenyo still pressed down on the inhabitants of Norrath. The nearby gnomes cowered in Ak'Anon, filled with dread. The hobbits of Rivervale hurled up their mutton mince pies and apple tarts, sick to their stomachs with the thought of being crushed. Even the hardy barbarians of Halas drank their mead in silence, bereft of the joyful ruckus that would usually grace their drinking halls.

The Gods must deem this a dire quest indeed, to unleash the Moon of Phenyo upon the lands in such a reckless fashion; a last ditch effort on their part to eradicate Lhancelot's Dildo Machine.

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It was as if Norrath collectively held its breath, awaiting Tuluven to deliver them from their horrid fate...

[d3r14k]

Not sure why you're cringing Lulz, you're coming with me.

[skarlorn]

like Sauron, Lhancelot cannot truly be struck down. Do not repeat the folly of Isildur. Do not hasten his return. To destroy him, we must destroy the forums...

[d3r14k]

The post-porting haze began to clear as the rings of Steamfont slowly made their way into view. With Claire and Lulz beside him, Tuluven took a cursory glance around the area, quickly making sure that Lhancelot wasn't already lurking nearby.

"We must tread carefully, Lulz~Sect, there are foul monsters afoot here that even God Pharoah Rogean may fear," Tuluven announced slowly, so that Lulz would understand.

"Fuck the gods, and Rogean in particular. I have a 10/10 in my--"

Lulz was immediately cut off mid sentence by an overwhelming thunderclap that forced Tuluven to cover his ears. The sound was so deafening and the power so great that when Tuluven looked up, he saw only a steaming Lulz dead on the ground and the visage of Rogean and his enforcer Sirken fading away after their righteous strike.

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Alas, the gods demanded respect that Lulz could not afford, and he was no more; nuked into oblivion by the banhammer lightning blast.

Tuluven sighed loudly and looked at the mindless android Claire that stood near Lulz's lifeless body. "I suppose I'll have to do this myself, despite not knowing what you are or how you even work." Claire blew a kiss and thrust out her hips, as if that were some sort of answer. "I trust you'll at least do your part and not be as worthless as your master. You're to distract, seduce, then hump this dildo machine into oblivion on my command, understood?" Claire's only answer was a single twerk. Tuluven felt truly lost.

With Claire in tow, he marched to where he had spotted Lhancelot before, though there was no trace of him or his weapon of ass destruction. Tuluven thought back to the days of his youth, and drew upon his ability to track distant foes. He knelt to the ground and touched a leaf, smelled the air, took note of bent grass; really doing some deep, hardcore-impressive nature shit for which he was known. Almost at once he was able to discern which direction to head.

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He chose to head to the weapon first, thinking that disposing of it would please the gods enough to recall the Moon of Phenyo which threatened to smash Norrath. It was not long before he spotted the weapon on the horizon. It was as terrible and menacing as he had remembered...

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Tuluven beckoned to the Statue of Baler for some sort of reverent advice in the face of this terrible adversity. Perhaps a catchy phrase to demoralize his opponent or a witty retort as was customary for the statue. It made no noise, but spoke to Tuluven inside his mind's eye:

Tuluven, I will use my power to temporarily possess Claire and hold this mechanical behemoth at bay, but you must move quickly.

With a shimmering white aura that coalesced into a vibrant color, Baler's power began to concentrate, then suddenly shot a beam of light at Claire.

Much to his surprise, Claire sprung right into action. She licked her lips and ran with amazing android speed towards the weapon. It was then that Tuluven spotted Lhancelot. His familiar, raspy voice had not changed. "You incel cuck! Back for more, are you!? I had you begging for Tunare at our last meeting. I'll make shorter work of you this time, you wood elven swine! ATTACK!" The machine seemed to switch focus between Tuluven and the android Claire, who was still in a dead sprint and closing fast on the dildo machine. "ATTACK, ATTACK!" Lhancelot screamed autistically, "Or I'll use you for spare parts!" There was a hint of concern in his voice.

Claire, possessed by Baler, voraciously grabbed hold of the machine and began to work it in unspeakable ways. Tuluven could not bear to watch. Baler used such enthusiasm and vigor that Tuluven could only think to himself that there were some deep-seeded issues that Baler needed to work out after being buried in the sand for so many years. The dildo machine gave a giant heaving sound and was subsequently crushed inoperable in the steel trap that was Claire's android thighs.

Lhancelot let out a distressed cry. "My magnum opus! Defeated by some statue and a dirty vagabond elf! How could this be?"

There was a groaning in the sky, then a deep cough that shook the heavens. The Moon of Phenyo let out a puff of deep purple smoke and disappeared, almost as sudden as it had taken to the sky. Norrath was saved!

"You fool!" Lhancelot screamed. "You have ruined everything! I'll Sioux your Nation for this a thousand times over!"

Tuluven began casting Engulfing Roots on Lhancelot, in the hopes that he would hinder any attempt at escape. He was instantly walloped in the back of the head mid-cast, interrupting his spell. Stunned, the wood elf turned around to see what had struck him.

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"How many contraptions does this cat-chimera have?" Tuluven thought to himself. He immediately jumped into action, casting many fire and lightning spells, but could not target this dildrone. It was simply too fast. The wood elf was struck multiple times, leaving dildo sized abrasions all over his body. His hope again grew dim.

Then, out of nowhere, a hero was unveiled on the horizon.

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This human was rippling with muscle and exuded an air of confidence that was unmatched. Tuluven could only stand slack jawed and watch him approach. With a ferocious cry, Tekilya shouted "Wu-Tang!" and snapped a flying kick with amazing agility that blasted the dildrone out of the sky into a million pieces. The kick was so swift and so precise it left several fiery pixels floating around the area. He then nodded to Tuluven, as a cue to finish the job.

Tuluven brushed himself off and strode over to Lhancelot, who was cowering nearby.

"No, please," Lhancelot begged. "I will build you a giant mechanical throne in the trees, you cuck." The cat-spider chimera clicked its legs together in fear. "Anything you wish built, plea--"

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Tuluven brought his scimitar high above his head and slammed it down into the cat's skull, sending bloody bone fragments and brain juices all over his pristine armor. Lhancelot gave a shudder, then fell to the Steamfont grass in a heap of machinery.

The wind moaned as the rain continued to fall. Tekilya nodded his approval and walked over to Tuluven. They then exchanged the most manly handshake that had ever been seen on the face of Norrath.

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And so goes the tale of Tuluven's quest against the villain Lhancelot...

As time passes, who knows what other tales Tuluven will weave as he journeys about the land. Only one thing is certain: We would all be getting fucked royally up the asses by a giant dildo machine if not for the bravery of this humble, yet stylishly extravagant, handsome, and endearing wood elf.

[skarlorn]

Tagged to read later you fucking nerd

[Wonkie]

angry

[EthanHawke]

i want whatever drugs this guy has

[skarlorn]

honestly it's a nice fantasy but it's just a fantasy. anyone who has studied the Histories of P99 Forumquest will know that it was the rogue agent Pokesan who defeated the the villain Lhancelot when he cast Identify on lhancelot's alt acct.

a nice story to be sure though for the children