|
|
#1
10-05-2023, 05:29 AM
|
|||
|
The Secret Diary of a Windows 11 User
8:00AM
Woke up. Opened my shiny new Windows 11 laptop. I love having no DVD drive or ethernet port. I can't replace the battery when it's dead which I think is neat. I'm also loving the mandatory updates feature, it's so cool how Microsoft uses my bandwidth without my permission. The hundreds of notifications constantly bugging me is a huge bonus. Now I need 8GB of RAM just to browse the internet; what a time to be alive. I'm so modern and cutting edge now. ..and much safer from russian hackers who are out to get me because I'm so special. Clicked Windows Update. No updates. 8:10AM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Drank decaff coffee with soy milk and artificial sweetner. 8:20AM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 8:30AM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Closed laptop. Unplugged my car, checked for car updates, no new updates. Drove to grocery store. 9:06AM Returned home from grocery store. Plugged in car. Checked for car updates. No new updates. Opened laptop and clicked Windows Update. Checked smartphone for updates. No new updates. While at the grocery store I bumped into an old friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. I asked him what operating system he was using these days. Expecting to hear the magic number, 11, I was horrified when he told me he was still using 7. I was so horrified in fact, I almost blacked out from the shock. Regaining my composure, and keeping my distance, I decided to use this golden opportunity to educate this lower life form on the perils of not upgrading to 11. "God almighty! 7!?" I exclaimed, with a surprised, revolted obnoxious look on my face. "What kind of a person still uses 7 in this day and age? It's 2023, for god's sake, not 1950 . You're just kidding right? Tell me you're kidding!" He said he wasn't kidding. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from this neanderthal. He probably thinks homosexuality is a bad idea too. I started out by explaining to him that 7 has been outdated and unsupported for many, many years so it's really, really risky to use now. I told him that the only people still using 7 are flat earthers and Trump voters. I also explained to him that by not updating to 11 he's missing out on some incredible new features like the amazing new dark theme. As we stood there in the cereal isle I joked, "Next you'll be telling me you still use a flip phone and wear acid washed jeans!". We both laughed heartily. "So when are you going to finally pull the trigger and upgrade to 11? How about today? As soon as you get home? Right now you are in EXTREME DANGER using 7. Windows 11 reduces the risk of dying by 76.98%." I asked. He told me he couldn't upgrade to 11 because it "wasn't compatible with his hardware" but it was no "big deal" anyway because he was happy using 7. He said he was used to it and that it still worked for him for the things he needed. I shook my head slowly in disbelief and continued on with my sermon. I explained to him that ANY hardware that is NOT compatible with 11 is not worth keeping so he should throw it away and buy brand new hardware that IS compatible with 11. He told me his laptop is only 4 years old and was wsorking perfectly fine at the moment. I told him that there was no valid excuse not to update to 11 and that only a racist would disagree with that fact. I reminded him again of the dangers of using Windows 7. I also told him it was sinful and irresponsible not to update to 11. He told me he'd get on it right away and said he had to leave. I told him to hurry before it was too late. He said OK as he walked away. After returning home I felt dirty being so close to a 7 user so I got in the shower and scrubbed myself clean with a brillo pad whilst blubbing like a big baby. 11:00AM Clicked Windows Updates. Checked smartphone for updates. No new updates. 11:10AM Clicked Windows Updates. Checked smartphone for updates. No new updates. 11:20AM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 11:30AM Clicked Windows Updates. Checked smartphone for updates. No new updates. 11:40AM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 11:50AM Clicked Windows Updates. 3 NEW UPDATES! Happy days. I have butterflies in my stomach. Downloaded and installed updates. Waited. Rebooted. Sat and watched animated Windows icon. Good times. Rebooted again. My system is now officially up-to-date. Everything still looks and works exactly the same as it did 10 minutes ago but somehow I feel smarter, cooler, safer and more advanced than ever before.It's like a miracle. This is the highlight of my day so far. This is what life is all about. What a buzz! 12:00PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Made a Quorn sandwhich. Watched The View. 12:10PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 12:15PM Clicked Windows Updates. Checked smartphone for updates. No new updates. Called up my brother to ask him if his Windows Update was working to double check mine is working correctly. I would hate to get my updates after everybody else. That wouldn't be cool. Somebody might accuse me of being a 7. Shiver. My brother told me there were 3 new updates. I told him I already had those. I asked him to download and install the 3 new updates and then click Windows Update again and to let me know. 12:20PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 12:30PM Clicked Windows Updates. Checked smartphone for updates. No new updates. 12:40PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 12:50PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Brother called. He told me he had installed the 3 new updates I already had and then clicked Windows Update again to check for new updates but there weren't any new updates. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I asked him to click Windows Update again just to make sure. Better safe than sorry. No new updates. 1:00PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 1:10PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Checked Google Chrome for updates. There are none. 1:20PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 1:30PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Time for my ritual afternoon prayers. "Dear Bill, O Great Abandoner, O Great Obsoleter, it is I, your impoverished slave. Praise be to thee; traitor of mankind. Thank you for rendering my current hardware incompatible and forcing me to upgrade and thank you for today's batch of Holy Updates. They made my day. Thanks to you I'm now faster, smarter, and much cooler than I was 15 minutes ago...and of course much safer. I'm such a head turner now thanks to you! Everybody is very impressed with how advanced I am. I have some good news for you master: Today I converted a sinner in your name so now there is one less 7 (spit) in the world. Death to infidels! Talk soon. Your fanboi, waiting4updates@hotmail.com" 1:40PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 1:50PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 2:00PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 2:10PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Went on reddit. 2:20PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 2:30PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 2:40PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 2:50PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 3:00PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Called my brother again. Asked him to click Windows Updates for me. He told me there were no new updates but he would let me know if that changed. Called my sister to ask her to click Windows Update. No answer sio I left a message. I better make sure my phone is fully charged so I don't miss her call. 3:10PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 3:10PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 3:20PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 3:30PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 3:40PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. 3:50PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Checked news. Microsoft announces it's going to release a new operating system in the near future which makes 11 obsolete. Great news! Can't wait. 4:00PM Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Drank a Bud Lite. I am very drunk right now. Decided to go to bed early then I can get up and check for updates sooner. Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Closed laptop. Went to bed. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. 9:06PM Woke up with a dreadful hangover. Opened laptop. Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Closed laptop. Went back to sleep. 2:18AM Woke up. Opened laptop. Clicked Windows Updates. No new updates. Closed laptop. Went back to sleep. 8:00AM Woke up. Opened my shiny new Windows 12 laptop. I love having no local account option and now I need 16GB of RAM to browse the internet. Yay.. Threw old Windows 11 laptop away. Yuk. Clicked Windows Update. No updates. | ||
|
|||
|
#3
10-05-2023, 08:34 AM
|
||||
|
Quote:
👍 AAA+ post. Definitely would read again. You should be a script writer for a major T.V. show! Have you had your boosters tho? | |||
|
|
||||
|
#5
10-05-2023, 08:41 AM
|
|||
|
Omg.
Figures. How am I not surprised! | ||
|
|
|||
|
#6
10-05-2023, 09:34 AM
|
|||
|
My old PC I just replaced this summer used Windows 7. What a great OS that was.
__________________
 | ||
|
|
|||
|
#7
10-05-2023, 10:12 AM
|
|||
|
7 was really good
i miss 2k and 98 98 was the absolute best and redhat 5.0 man those where the glory days | ||
|
|
|||
|
#8
10-05-2023, 10:44 AM
|
|||
|
Nice piece I laughed 👍
| ||
|
|
|||
|
#10
10-05-2023, 12:27 PM
|
|||
|
I held out as long as I could but my old Windows 7 machine wasn't able to run the games I wanted it to. Upgraded to a 4090 and I don't have to worry about that again for years, but the caveat is I need Windows 11.
__________________
| ||
|
|
|||
 |
|
|
Linear Mode
