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#1
09-02-2016, 01:59 PM
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The Shittist's Guide to Public Defecation (3 rules to win)
a Lot of times there are in your life when you are face with 2 options 1 shit your pants 2 shit on the ground.
many people opt for 2, but i have to say this is the fcking COWARD choice and you should be ashamed. a proud man, a Shittist like myself, will do anything to take number 1 over number 2. number 2 which should be executed only when you have aggro on multiple humanoids and have not developed adequate skill avoiding being mauled by a bear (monx u know whattim talking about LOL) i wannted to share my Personal Straetgy and Guide to Public Defecation. I have a one 100% success rate shitting in PUBLIC PLACES during the DAY and NEVER BEING CAUGHT/ARRESTED. This will help anyone who like me must shit frequently and with short warning. it is aspecially useful for when you are in a third world country like australia which has not developed the common huiman decency to allow customers of cafes and other establishment access to their poop troughs which we all know exist in the back room but the greedy criminal descendents are too jelous of their feces because they like to take it, put it in a leather bag of baby kangaroo hide and Ferment it under the Southern Sun until they and what they call the "abo dogs" meet together under a Reclaime Australia banner and huff that WONKY shit before turning into human scum yclept Bogans. 1) EMBRACE YOUr ninja People are dumb and are not paying attention to anything except their own pathetic narrative ... this is TRUE 100%. unless you're so unlucky that a modern day Sherlockian Holmes is around. then you have a problem on your hands and you should attack him without warning. because he is probably onto your other criminal thoughts as well. it also exemplfiies the fact that EverQuest is a reality based game. If you put on "sneak" which you should have trained as a child in the Forests of Your Youth, and go behind someone. the dumb fcks are blind to anything you do. for instance i recently stole an extra bag of peanuts on a flight home because the dum cnt stewardess turned her back to me. I have also shit in broad daylight on a lawn in front of a church, in several parking lots, and numerous times in the pacific ocean at crowded beaches. so how do you apply number 1? keep in mind, you are in dire straits. your bowls are strianing under the pressure of excrement and liquid blood which your sphincter can no longer contain. everyone else around you is a sheep, jailed by debt and inability to think critically about their position in life. basically you are a trained US NAVY seal and are fighting a russian peon who is too busy being hungry for "more potatos please lol" to notice you have set boopy trap trip wires around his entire rice patty which when triggered will explode with human faeces. in short, embracing your ninja is all about the fact that YOU can get away with almost anything, if you do it behind a person's back, out of their periphery, or simply do something so abnormal and with such confidence that their peanut brains will not process your actions. eg. one time i was in a crowded downtown and could not make it to any bathroom. i walked by a dad and his daughters. i ducked round a corner into an empty parking lot and broke line of sight from the entire public by crouching behind a hedge. i then tore down my pants and laid a wet, long sticky turd on the ground that had some blood oozing out into a pool on the asphalt. i then fastned my trousers, stood up, and realized no one had even NOTICED. i quickly walked back to my girflriend and gave her a triumphant kiss. #2) act fast it's incredible what can be accomplished in the blink of an I. an murder, a million dollars, a public defection. throughout your life there are distinct moments when literally no one but yourself is aware of your actions. and i don't mean when you're jacking off to fire giants in ur bedroom at 3:00 Am like many people here. i mean in broad daylight. in public. when you have to do a poo but can't break line of sight behind a hedge, or your car in a parking lot, you must EAGERLY AWAIT this ephemeral Moment. pay attention... and act fast!! when the time is ripe, rip your pants down to your ankles and squat and shit it all out buddy! because even if people are present, theya ren't watching, and if you have the skill (aka Jboots) to be fast, you will accomplish your goal, and as I have done you will lay Waste in front of a church and then smugly button your jeans, walk into your friends house, shake hands, and play some D&D. #3) the World is a TOilet so you can't become a ninja (aka line of sight, sneak/hide) and there are too many people for you to ACT FAST. this is when you must embrace the third most advanced principle of public defecation known as the World is Your Toilet. i developed this principle while on vacation with my family in costa rica. many times i had to shit terribly. but no bathroom! one time it was particularly bad yet i did not desire to lay Waste in the driver's seat of our rented SUV because it would dishonor me. so I swerved through palm trees and slammed to a halt on the beach. i leaped from the car door and lunged into the crowded beach front, not even stopping to look at the beautiful babes present. power storking my way through the waves i came past the breakers and undid my trough. i held them in one hand while treading water with the other. it was at this time that i SHIT in the pacific ocean (the first of several times) around probably 100 other people. it is an odd feeling to let slide your dung from the b-hole while simultaneously treadin gwater, and making eye contact, smiling, and nodding at a surfer. well afterwards i realized yes this is my Right as an Animal on earth. because the world is my toilet. i quickly redid my shorts and swam to shore, victorious Again. with these three rules you will be able to lay Waste in almost any place at any time, if God demands you to do a poo. it is technically illegal but what's worse than breaking the law is dishonoring your name, losing face, and reducing your family's Pride and station by shitting ur pants. IF YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR i will share with you one of my greatest triumphs as a public defecator... but like any artist i failed many times. this is one of those times. i made the big mistake of drinking a coffee with ice cream in it and yep it made me need to do a big one and FAST. the coffee shop did not permit me to defecate in their hole so i powerwalked to a nearby convenience store. i was in a very crowded urban section on a popular/hip street. none of my 3 rules could save me here. but i had learned of a Public Bathroom on the block over, accessible by a pedestrian path cut between two major banks from my street to the docks on the other side, where the bathroom was located. i went as swiftly as i could while still clenching my anus. its' a terrible thing but sometimes this just is not enough. i had reached the apex of the overland pedestrian walkway (in between the glass walls of the banks on either side) and could no longer hold it in. so it came. it slide out and caught in my tight, bun hugging undies. lots of goop, I could tell. my face paled and i knew for once i had dishonored myself. but i could not walk any further for my shit had come in such a massive discharge that my tight undies had swollen and sagged against the back of my thighs, and yes i could feel tiny nuggets of shit tracking down my hairy legs and leaving rivulets of ecoli and faeces. on my right was a handicapped access ramp to the bank's entrance. i went up this way as it afforded some line of sight opportunities. but really not enough, because i was either still in view of the street or could be seen from inside the bank. i came to a halt behind a hedge (these are a shittist's greatest ally) that blocked line of sight from the docks and edged my way behind the dividing wall of the ramp that blocked line of sight from the street. i gazed deep inside the bank and knew i had no choice. I had to act fast. somehow, the entry lobby was TOTALLY EMPTY. but who knew when another person would be walking up the ramp, or see me from inside the building and horrified call the police? so i reipped my pants off and flung the undershorts, heavy with blood and human excrement under the hedge for some poor streetsweeper to find later. refastening my britches i then made my way to the bathroom. but the god of shit hadn't finished with me yet. i couldn't make it. i lurched inside the bathroom and found it empty. but God i could not make it all the way to the stall. and i had no underwear on to act as an emergency safeguard. so i shit long and hard into the urinal, filling it with my dung and traces of blood.. before anyone could come inside, i then went directly to the stall to finish up, clean up, and leave... but a man came... and his son... and this is when i learned principle #4 #4) play cool like you win oscars i exited the stall and a waft of the most Devilish Fumes smote my nose. i saw the little boy peeing in the urinal while his father, with an unnatrual pallor, held his shirt over his nose and gazed with horror at my handiwork. the man looked at me. so i made a face. i groaned because of how awwful my shit looked in the urinal, and how it smelled. a guilty man would breeze out without eye contact or washing his hands, so instead i shook my head disapprovingly at the man, and cleaned my shitstained hands, and then left forever. I hope this guide helps you in your most desperate times. please share your stories | ||
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#3
09-02-2016, 02:04 PM
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#5
09-02-2016, 03:59 PM
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hopes this helps makes sense of things | |||
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#6
09-02-2016, 04:05 PM
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#7
09-02-2016, 04:11 PM
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#8
09-02-2016, 04:12 PM
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this is the best thread ive ever skimmed
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