Old Vs New Stories

[Lady Felix]

I thought you all might get a kick out of this.

I've been writing for many years now and consider myself quite talented, but looking back, I wasn't always too great. I found some of my first stories the other day, which were all EQ centered (and written when I was like 10 or 11), and laughed myself silly at the stupid plot, ridiculous grammar mistakes, and horrible characters. I've decided I'd share some of these stories with you guys. After I show you the original story, what I'm going to do is rewrite the story anew, so you guys can see how much I've improved!

This first story is called D'Venra. Now, before anyone says anything, I didn't follow the EQ lore when I was young, so I didn't who know the King of Felwithe was and I just threw a name in. I actually didn't know a lot and just made up stuff.

So, without further ado...revel in the badness that is D'Venra.

There she was, standing in front of the Cleric Temple. Cerly was a Dark Elf and knew her destiny was to be of the Clerics. She slowly walked into the temple and saw the master of the temple Odaylae O`Zenra. She bowed to Odayla and Odayla gave a shining smile then said,“ My child, if you really wish to be of the Clerics in my temple just do one simple thing for me, earn my trust by killing a Orc Wizard and bring me his staff, if you do this I will train to be a Cleric”. At these words Cerly walked out of the temple and when she made it out she started running to the outside of the city so she could get it done as fast as she could. She made it out of town without guards yelling at her for once (she was hated for she was too nice for Dark Elfs). Then she started looking, but she was having a hard time because the Orc Wizard was no in his cave but out looking for things to kill. Cerly knew that he could be anywhere and started to give up hope. She walked to a stream not too far from the cave and waited for the orc to come back.

She waited for 4hrs and nothing happen. She started to get tired till she fell asleep, then 5hrs later she woke up in a room tied to a pole. She started looking around when she saw the Wizard standing there making a spell. She screamed and the Orc Wizard jumped and looked her way. He came over and put a spell on the rope so it couldn’t come off without using something. Then she saw a glass jar on the table, and with out a sound she kept pulling on the cloth where the jar was sitting till it reached her. She carefully broke the glass in her hands that were now full of blood and cut the ropes. She got up slowly and started to cast a spell then she shouted,“ BURST OF FLAME!” and then the orc turned around to see flames crossing each other heading for him.

He ducked but he wasn’t good enough, the flame hit him and he was knocked out. She stole his staff and ran back to town. She found the temple and walked in. Master Odayle was happy to see the staff and when her saw Cerly’s hands he casted a spell, he said,“ Healing” and her wounds started to fade. Then he softly said,“ My child, you have done what I have asked and now I give you this robe and this note saying you are now one of my Clerics. Cerly was filled with joy as she put on her white and blue robe and put the note in her bag. Then she bowed and started to leave when Odayle said,“ Wait! I must tell you this, you are a Cleric and you are meant to heal and not fight by yourself. Cerly said,” Yes, I knew my master I have learned much when I was young, my mother and father were warriors and I knew I just couldn’t take it so I started to learn about Clerics and found it was my destiny.”

Odayle smiled and said,“You have done well finding about Clerics as a young one, and I can feel it in you that you have the true spirit of a great Cleric. Cerly bowed and left. The guards seeing her robe shouted,“Why don’t you go join the High Elves stupid Cleric. Cerly ran to her room and started to cry, she had never had a friend and everyone was always mean to her. She walked out of her room 20mins later and ran around to see if anyone wanted to go kill some rats, bats, or pixies, but everyone seeing who it was said, “ No, the day I join with you is the day I die. In her mind she was thinking hard about her life. Should I do as they all say? Should I go join the High Elves and learn their ways? I have just started as a Cleric in Odayle’s temple would he be ashamed if I left his to join the High Elfs? Ive heard Clerics are nice there but would I be yelled at because I am a Dark Elf? As all these things flew through her mind she all of the sudden saw a High Elf running from the guards. She yelled, “ STOP IT NOW.” The guards looked at her and yelled because they had lost the High Elf. They ran over to her putting a sword and her neck and said, “ Is there a reason I shouldn’t kill you now?” Then she saw Odayle running over and said, “ You two stop right now or I will tell the leading officer.” They looked at him in disgust and walked away. Odayle said, “ Are you ok? And Cerly assured him that she was. He helped her up and she thanked him gratefully. He said, “ Be careful my young one you must not yell like that when guards are around”. She said,”ok” and walked away. She was wondering what happened to the High Elf.

She sat down and sighed. Then she heard the bushes move and she jumped. All the sudden a High Elf popped out and thanked her for helping. She started to back off and said, “ no problem”. He said, “don’t worry, I don’t hate you because you are a Dark elf you seem very nice I think.” Cerly looked and him and asked, “ What are you?” and he replied,” I am a High Elf Cleric and it is very nice to meet you M’Lady, may I ask what you are? She said, “I am a Dark Elf Cleric and it is also nice to meet you.” she was slowed tip toeing away (He may attack). She saw him sit down and start to eat some bread and some milk. He invited her to have some but she refused. He said,” O, and my name is Agemem.” she replied,” And mine is Cerly.” He smiled and put his food away and said,” Well Cerly, would you like to see my kingdom?” Cerly gasped and said,” You are a king?” and he said,” Yes.” Cerly felt uneasy but said,” she would as soon as she told her master.” He shook his head yes and then walked to the bushes and said, “Ill be here M’Lady.” She started to walk to the temple without listening to the guards. When she made it she told Odayle what was going to happen and he smiled.

Odayle then said,” If you bring me back work of his kingdom I shall grant you a last name. She jumped for joy and ran to the bushes. He was sitting there and she told him what her master said and he smiled and told her to follow him. It was a long walk. It took them 5 days to get to the land he called Greater Faydark. She was uneasy still and thinking about what would happen if she walked into his castle. Will the people be mean to me? Is he setting me up? When I get there will he hang me to make his people happy? All the sudden she saw a great glowing castle and Agemem said,” Welcome to Felwithme my kingdom.” She gasped and walked in. The guards didn’t keep their eyes off of her and she was very scared. She walked to a tall chair where they could see all of Felwithe. She was named the guest of honor at a party the king had after she had taken a tour of the Kingdom. He told her to make her self at home and they will go through the lands of Greater Faydark the next sunrise. She shook her head and begun to walk around with people stopping what there doing and looking at her. She was a Dark Elf there for Dark skinned and all High Elves have light skin so she really stood out.

She walked to her bed in the royal castle and had a bad dream. She dreamed she was walking and then the guards started to chase her and she got caught when they tied her up and killed her. She woke up crying and walked out after drying her tears. She walked to the chair and waited for the king. 50mins later he walked out and saw her. He smiled and said,“ Gday M’Lady.” Then he said,” Follow me please.” She followed him for hrs and the fought and talked. They were best friends when the day was over. Cerly told Agemem when they got back that she would have to leave to go back to her master. He sighned and said,” Yes, I shall lead you.” They started to walk and 5hrs later she was back at the place she remembered. They said there farewells and she assured him that should would go back to see him.

When she walked into her temple Odayle smiled and she told him all about it. Odayle said,” What would you like your last name to be” and she replied,”D`Venra please.” And he said,” You shall from now on be known as Cerly D`Venra!” She smiled and bowed.

He waved and said,” Go live with the High Elves, I can see now that it Is you destiny.” She walked away in wonder. Is my master right? I’m sure he is. He is very wise and Id better do as he says. She packed all her stuff like her spell book, food, and robes. She started on her journey and when she made it she was greeting with warm hugs and gifts. Agemem had told his people about her and they were no longer mean or did not stop what they were going to look at her. She walked to Agemem and thanked him. She lived with the High Elves for a long time when one day she woke up with a ring on her table that said,” M’Lday will you be with me forever?” She was so happy and ran to the chair and showed Agemem his note that said Yes. He was overfilled with joy. When they had a big wedding and she was queen it got to the Dakr Elves and they were mad but realized that the High Elves weren’t bad is they will let there queen be a Dark Elf. And because of the wedding the Dark Elves and High Elves where now allies.

LOL. Jesus, I sucked.

Anywho, so now I will be working on the rewrite. For the sake of better plot, it will be much longer and some points will be changed around a bit, but it'll retain the same gist. It'll probably be posted in sections, as I do imagine it being quite long, since I want to do a proper rewrite to really showcase my talent.

Tell me what you guys think.

[Loretta]

This was cute and not so bad as you say [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]. Especially for 10 or 11 years old. I remember writing story's too, and came across them in a drawer one day complete with all kinds of typo's and silly things.

I've always found it kind of interesting to look back and see how you've changed in way of thinking & writing since those days!

[Sadface]

Where's the part where some barbarian skeets on andain's face and You loving it?