|
|
#1
08-25-2010, 06:07 PM
|
|||
|
Confessions of a Rageaholic
For as long as I can remember I've been VERY angry.
I grew up a fat kid, got ranked on and what not. Blistering self-hatred and a violent anger streak molded me into a very aggressive, brooding, and introverted person. In a sense it helped me somewhat: I built a reputation not to be fucked with by way of reacting to confrontation with violence, so I stopped getting ridiculed (to my face anyway). Years later a limitless self-loathing attitude drove me to change my physical appearance in a very positive way. I became extremely focused on my goals and found great success in the things I embarked on. My biggest problem though is that I haven't been able to shed my negative mentality. I alienated myself from people over the years and because of that my social experiences have suffered greatly. Regardless of my physical transformation, from a psychological point of view I still maintain probably the lowest level of self body image one can conceive. I'm overly critical of everything I do and how I look. When I go places I'm constantly in the mind set of "everyone is out to get me / judge me". I have made considerable progress but inevitably I fall back to square one. I'm very eager to get involved and meet new people but at certain times I feel a great amount of pressure when in social situations. From what I understand the longer a person spends away from social interaction the harder it is for one to develop normal social skills. Recently I began experiencing panic attacks (I think? shortness of breath, increased heart rate, trembling voice, hands shaking). I've thrown away countless sexual encounters because I put women on a pedestal and convince myself "No, I'm ugly, fat, a bad person, etc". This issue is compounded when I caught flack for it by my peers consistently, "Why didn't you fuck Jenny? Shes been talking about you for weeks on end bro, shes been going out of her way to get you to herself" It seems everything pushes my buttons. Turn on the news: /rage. Walk outside and see someone glowering at me: /rage. Dying to a skeleton at level 2 in EQ: /rage. There is no release. I try to relax but nothing brings me to my center. Some people suggest pot & alcohol and as much as I'm opposed to turning to substances to mask a more serious issue EVEN THOSE don't work. I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I have to try and make up time but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. The people I do meet and become friendly with often want me to compromise myself. I live in South Florida (Miami specifically), one of the rudest cities in America. Our cultural mixing pot breeds some of the most arrogant assholes on the face of the earth. (I.E. I witnessed a father laugh when he son of maybe 8 - 9 years old spit on a homeless man... I'm dead serious). I know not every human being is like this but many people down here are aware of shit like that and thus turn to spiteful people as well. I'm constantly tired, I get horrible sleep, I live most of days as if I'm dreaming / out of focus of the rest of the world. I'm either overly concerned with self image / other people / or being extremely frustrated, angry, or depressed. I need help. I don't know what to go, or where to turn. (I'm broke and my family isn't the greatest) Everquest isn't going to rehab me. It's a great escape but I think I need to really get my shit together. I had a good run... in 1999. If I accomplished something worthwhile than I wouldn't say I'm a fuck up but in all honesty I wasted so much time being a temperamental fat kid on EQ pissing away my youth. I just turned 24 and I feel like an enormous fuck up, regardless of having a stellar return in college. I didn't have anything of value on P99 so I'm sorry I can't give any leet stuff away. If anyone thinks they can offer me some beneficial advice, I'm all ears. I posted this in R&F because someone recently made light of people being so furious in forums and in game. Honestly.. in the world in general. I just wanted to remind everyone there are real people behind computer screens. We should all aim to be nicer to others, and be the change we want to see in the world. Take it easy gang, it's been real. | ||
|
|
|||
|
#3
08-25-2010, 06:21 PM
|
|||
|
I cant wait to get home and read this Straif.
| ||
|
|
|||
|
#7
08-25-2010, 06:33 PM
|
|||
|
I'm going to take you at face value and assume this isn't a troll. If it is, okay, haha, joke's on me.
It's really hell getting over childhood stuff. It might take you a long time, but realize that it's possible. You can change the way you think about things. There are some cultural things happening right now that aren't good for anyone. Humans have evolved to operate in cooperation. Individually, we are inferior to many other animals. As a group, we are almost unstoppable. I think you need to find something to belong to. I don't know what that will be for you. Maybe it's something with a church. Maybe it's a therapy group. Maybe it's something volunteering. Maybe it's a career start that you really believe in. Maybe it's the love of a good woman. This economy doesn't make things easy, either. When you're trying to do all the right things and you still can't find a decent job, it's really damned frustrating. Society measures us men in large part based on how financially successful we are. Things will get better. The media makes it sound like the end of the world, but this is really just a cyclical economy. If you can, try to remember this time when things are better and save up for the bad times, because there will be other bad times in your life, too. You're 24 years old. You're a very young man. You can do almost anything with your life. If you want to be a doctor or a scientist or a lawyer or whatever you can imagine, you have plenty of time. I'd recommend making a five year plan. Figure out where you want to be when you're 29 and figure out how to get there. It sounds to me like you're a man who is good at setting goals and working toward them. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. There are no answers there and you will lose years of your life with nothing to show for them. Take a hard look at your diet. Are you consuming a lot of powerful central nervous system stimulants that society treats casually? How much caffeine are you taking in? How about sugar? You might want to eliminate or minimize both of those. They both have cumulative effects that people don't talk about. Do you exercise? I assume so, based on your physical changes. Do you find exercise relaxing? If your routine isn't helping, you might want to change it. Intense exercises like running and lifting weights can be over-stimulating instead of relaxing. Perhaps it would help to walk or swim or look into something like yoga or tai chi. The most important thing, from my perspective, is for you to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you can make good choices. You also need to remember that you're human and that you can and will make mistakes. When that happens, it doesn't mean that you're worthless or that your abilities are questionable. It's just a mistake. Fix it, apologize, do what you have to do to put it behind you and move on. The path is different for everyone, but I think you'll find your way. I wish you well. | ||
|
|
|||
|
#8
08-25-2010, 06:36 PM
|
|||
|
None of that shit matters dude. Maybe you're just wired for self loathing, maybe you're bi-polar, maybe you smoke too much cannabis. Accept it, be a dick, and know that it doesn't matter what you look like, who you are, we all end up in the same place and it doesn't make a difference if people hate you or mourn you when you're gone. The numbers in either direction don't mean a thing when you're worm chow (or ash.) Very few of us will even be remembered for more than two generations -- so do whatever the hell you want in life and forget the consequences; shape your world how you want it and to hell with the consequences.
Pills really don't work, but if you must try one I recommend Paxil. It has the best results over the years, and it can help premature ejaculation [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.] (which a lot of self loathing guys tend to have) It's not going to help you sleep though. | ||
|
|
|||
|
#10
08-25-2010, 06:43 PM
|
|||
|
"Very few of us will even be remembered for more than two generations -- so do whatever the hell you want in life and forget the consequences; shape your world how you want it and to hell with the consequences."
How wonderfully nihilistic. You're really Dick Cheney, aren't you? | ||
|
|
|||
 |
|
|
Linear Mode
