There's good and bad in everything, sometimes they are neither.

[Shawk]

Originally Posted by Jibartik [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I wonder if it's as simple as forests burn back stronger?

i think idiocracy had it right, they're just dumb fucking morons.

any attempt to think about the why is just a waste of time.

[Cecily]

Nihilism let me take the leap of faith. I didn't care where it lead, salvation or self-destruction. I wasn't happy living life as I was. Happier for it? Maybe. Certainly nowhere near the best case scenario I imagined. Pretty far off from the worst case. It's just kind of... life. It's less of a big deal. Overall, less anxious out in the world. That brings me more peace of mind than I hoped to get from transition and I think I only got it because I transitioned. I did something really scary. Proud of that. Hope to get over it someday.

Good and bad... Like nursing aha. Fuck that career is gonna be rough. Looking like it's gonna have a disproportionate level of suck compared to other things I could be doing, but I get to learn about anatomy and medicine for a living. Intellectually interesting. Get to do some good. Then there's bureaucracy. Politics. Regulations. Other people existing. My ADHD brain. This all might crash into the sun, but I've enjoyed the ride so far.

[starkind]

Originally Posted by Cecily [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Nihilism let me take the leap of faith. I didn't care where it lead, salvation or self-destruction. I wasn't happy living life as I was. Happier for it? Maybe. Certainly nowhere near the best case scenario I imagined. Pretty far off from the worst case. It's just kind of... life. It's less of a big deal. Overall, less anxious out in the world. That brings me more peace of mind than I hoped to get from transition and I think I only got it because I transitioned. I did something really scary. Proud of that. Hope to get over it someday.

You will. There's a lot more to you than you know. I feel it. Your Physicality, physiology is just one aspect, and like you said, you had the opportunity to address that in a nihilistic fashion. So, hopefully you can move on some? Some people spend their entire lives devoted to trying to stay young, pretty, and attractive though, regardless of transitioning. You say you wanted social acceptance, but what are the other reasons?

Most of mine where, are selfish, vain, I'm happier being honest about this personally. And it makes the sting of aging and dying easier.

I was a little nihilistic too. I'm not proud of surviving, but I am greatful for the opportunity to reflect on it. Sometimes I think I could be doing better without having transitioned, but knowing what I do now. Understanding some of the why without feeling the need to change myself and take the risk I did.

I imagine myself being really strong and earning a good living helping soldiers at the VA understand their anger and violent trauma. It's possible I ruined that opportunity by transitioning. I'm not ruling it out. But I guilt trip about it.

At least I have the opportunity to keep talking to people and trying to help where I can.

Keeping these replies a little off the cuff, and brief, sorry if I make assumptions or miss the point.

[HalflingSpergand]

Originally Posted by Jibartik [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

well just so you know we are contagious with a super virus that kills babies I am not being sarcastic

If thats what u want to think, its a little sick tho

[starkind]

I wouldn't call antivaxxers or antimaskers murderers. Tho it is potentially risky. There's also a problem with living in a completely sterile world as well.

Forests burn back stronger isn't wrong.

[Baler]

People smoke their entire life hurting others with their second and third hand smoke.
But don't be caught without a mask near them. [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

[Cecily]

Originally Posted by starkind [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

You will. There's a lot more to you than you know. I feel it. Your Physicality, physiology is just one aspect, and like you said, you had the opportunity to address that in a nihilistic fashion. So, hopefully you can move on some? Some people spend their entire lives devoted to trying to stay young, pretty, and attractive though, regardless of transitioning. You say you wanted social acceptance, but what are the other reasons?

Most of mine where, are selfish, vain, I'm happier being honest about this personally. And it makes the sting of aging and dying easier.

I was a little nihilistic too. I'm not proud of surviving, but I am greatful for the opportunity to reflect on it. Sometimes I think I could be doing better without having transitioned, but knowing what I do now. Understanding some of the why without feeling the need to change myself and take the risk I did.

I imagine myself being really strong and earning a good living helping soldiers at the VA understand their anger and violent trauma. It's possible I ruined that opportunity by transitioning. I'm not ruling it out. But I guilt trip about it.

At least I have the opportunity to keep talking to people and trying to help where I can.

Keeping these replies a little off the cuff, and brief, sorry if I make assumptions or miss the point.

One of the funny realizations I've had is being pretty would really suck. Almost don't want it. I'm getting more attention from randoms than I want as it is.

I look forward to getting older. Just hope to do it as gracefully as possible. What did I want from all this? I don't even know if I had goals beyond looking human lol.

Regarding your goals... From what you've told me you've done that already. I think you're very well suited for it and I dunno... Would you be down to / can you volunteer at the VA?

[starkind]

Originally Posted by Baler [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Most people spend the early years of their life figuring out the world around them.
Then by middle school - high school they try and get people to like them.
After that they either get married or go to college.
Continue working and die never knowing about the world.

If you know things about the world early on, you are an exception.

Yeah. There's a lot of good in this when it leads to bliss too.

I sometimes think it'd be better to never say or do anything that'll challenge that bliss. Keep it simple. Let people be and believe in what they have. Are. Is. At face value.

I feel like sometimes I just post tho. I make a much better & more successful effort to keep everything to myself and not interfere IRL or in person. I lost that blissful nature in my childhood and in the Army. I think I reached towards transition to fill that void or try to make up for the lack of normalcy. I wanted control. And to be better than everyone. In the sense that I thought I could be a better woman than most. And that I would be a better woman than the man I kept trying to be.

Turns out I didn't want to be either, and I was already really good in many ways.

[Shawk]

Originally Posted by HalflingSpergand [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

If thats what u want to think, its a little sick tho

i mean the sarcasm is pretty obvious.. but ya a lot of people do think like that, at least where i am on earth

[starkind]

Originally Posted by Cecily [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

One of the funny realizations I've had is being pretty would really suck. Almost don't want it. I'm getting more attention from random dudes than I want as it is. I liked being invisible and that would be much, much, much easier as a dude. I really don't know how to deal with the nam vet I run into here and there when he tells me, "Think about what I said." Or the guy from highschool who's rubbing my thigh when I thought we were just hanging out. Or the older black guy who says he wants me to come over and give him some company, " that's where I wanna be sweetheart." Or the person I didn't know honking at me in the parking lot who's asking if I have any friends in the area who I'm involved with or something. The 60yo woman who's hugging, rubbing, and trying to kiss me in the parking lot while inviting me over. Life has gotten really fucking weird and I'm not equipped to handle it atm.

I look forward to getting older. Just hope to do it as gracefully as possible. What did I want from all this? I don't even know if I had goals beyond looking human lol.

Regarding your goals... From what you've told me you've done that already. I think you're very well suited for it and I dunno... Would you be down to / can you volunteer at the VA?

There's a lot to unpack there. Not all flirtatiouns are creeeepin. I don't mind most of it. I enjoy smiling and I don't mind when someone is nicer because they're attracted to me. Sometimes it's just pleasant courtesy taken one level more. It's how we communicate attraction and desirability. It sounds gay AF and clinical when I autisticly try to wordify it.

There's always 1 or 2 weirdos or psychos, randomly out there. Apoearntly some are attracted to boys, or guys. Jeffrey Dahmer comes to mind. Or a priest using their authority and access to children... or a creepy shrink. Part of being seen as a sexual partner.

A lot of the real dangerous pathological psychopathy isn't really sexual but power, control, shame, or something else tho. You're less likely to be murdered if everything is above board and the person isn't just playing u for an ez mark. All people are vulnerable to that. Your really noticing it now because you're fedora isn't on ur head and ur katana is in ur closet.

This probably happened when I presented masculine too but I totally ignored it or was oblivious. Or just was so wrapped up in my own machismo and power, confidence, I completely ignored it.. like the katana ninja everyone wants to be who plays these games, I larped it so successfully I was really more powerful than any threat or creep lol. I was there to protect the women & children lol.

This is simply how the world works. Partly because of our cultural obsession with sex.

And yeah, if I get driving, walking again, it'll be no problem to voulenteer more. I'm actually discovering ways that I can do it now.