I need a book deal

[Black Jesus]

I have led quite the life so this will be a collection of stories

I then need someone to ghost-write my ramblings into a coherent fashion

[Doors]

Just put all your twats into the book

?

[Black Jesus]

I guess I'll start at the beginning of when shit started to go downhill and try to keep it somewhat chronological. It won't get interesting in this post.

It was the beginning 9th grade and I had never smoked pot before and fell in with a group of punk rockers. We're at a faggit screamo type show at a church and theres a bong going around. I took like 2 pussy hits and didn't get high. The night wasn't too memorable besides fondling some titties.

Next day though, it's the after school special. I took like 2 fat rips. We're walking and like 20 minutes later it fucking HITS slapped by the hand of god. I'm talkin full of pretty colours and seein shit almost, I was stoney baloney. Remember this is cali weed so this ain't the mexican brick shit you get in bumfuck kentucky. Anyway yea, whatever, smoked weed a few more times that year, big woop.

Next year, sophomore year, they had opened up a new school and all my punk rawk friends were goin there instead. It's my 16th birthday and this chick is like I got some alcohol from my older bro. Now besides like stealin a beer from my dad I've never really drank anything before. So we start the schoolday off killing half a fifth with orange juice.

We're walkin to school and I'm rubbin all kinda titty and we are makin out the whole way. We get to school and are walkin down this dirthill and she passes the fuck out. I'm like oh fuck cause all kinds of people are walkin by like wtf and freakin out. Anyways, the narcs (noon duties) come and start giving me shit like are you drunk I can smell it on your breath omg you fucking rapist you murdered this poor girl etc. Long story short, that was the first time I got expelled, for being the asshole boy who never drank alcohol before who some girl stole it from her brother as b-day present for me. I never saw her again

To be continued...

[bubur]

did she die?

[OforOppression]

"Stan"
(feat. Dido)

[Chorus: Dido]
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

[1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background]
[2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise]

[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Bonnie
I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did with Skam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with Rawkus too, that shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

[Chorus: Dido]

[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fuckin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to
Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan -- P.S.
We should be together too

[Chorus: Dido]

[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped +ALL+ of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Slim; [*screaming*] Shut up bitch! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?
[car tires squeal] [CRASH]
.. [brief silence] .. [LOUD splash]

[Chorus: Dido]

[Eminem]
Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
and here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too?
I say that shit just clownin dogg,
c'mon - how fucked up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!

[Black Jesus]

I gotta start listing the chapters now, this is still kind of backstory and my life in the underworld won't start til like next post maybe

Jackin bottles
Junior year rolls around and I find a new group of friends. We spend the majority of our time smoking gravity bongs and drinking heavy booze. I started stealing bottles from the local grocery stores, would literally walk in and shove like 4 in my pants and walk out.

One time I was doing this routine at around 11pm at night. Took my time extra special pickin out the bottles. I heard something wierd on the overhead radio of the store and had a bad feeling about the meaning. I don't remember what was said.

I go to exit the store and the automatic door won't open and all of a sudden a couple managers start swarming on me. Anyways, I'm full on punk rock with leather jacket and long fuckin hair and an asswhole attitude to match. I tell them to fuck off, and pry open the automatic door and bolt for my car which my friend is driving as a getaway vehicle. As I'm runnin every bottle falls out my pants and it was kind of funny in a Forrest Gump kinda way.

I got away that night, and I never got caught ever for that.

Few weeks later, I'm in there with a friend and we're just stealing red bulls. Bad idea cuz now theres an undercover cop. He's chasing us out the store like HEY STOP! and we round a corner and ditch the drinks into a bush and are like wut?? He finds a very small amount of weed but lets us go after a lecture.

Failed beer runs
Sometimes, we would do beer runs, and it was the same concept. Walk in, grab a 30 rack, walk out like you owned the place. We'd usually do this in pairs.

One day me and a few friends are just out smokin walkin around and run into these older dudes, like maybe 20 and we are 16 or whatever. Anyway they convince us to do a beer run for some weed and my 1 friend goes alone while we wait out in the car.

He gets chased the fuck out by like 30 people and we're taking off flipping off the people and shit it was funny. Long story short, the older dudes end up abandoning us out in the middle of the desert. So we walk like 5 miles and hitch hike the rest from a trucker to get home, where the police are waiting to arrest my friend because someone from school identified him.

He spent like 2 years on probation for felony commercial burglary, and later had to go to juvi for it when he was 18 for some reason. Since he was on probation, it helped end to the era of weed and into things more sinister that don't stay in the system as long, but I'll get to that in time.

Machete fight
So me nad like 5 high school buddies worked at Del Taco. We'd get the illegal aliens there to buy us booze with their fake IDs. Oh yea, they were shipping them in straight from mexico, and I saw a stack of like 100 social security cards.

So one night me and my friend got the shift and we're just drinking in the back, smoking in the walk-in freezer, yadda yadda. We get off our shift early and head over to wal-mart to try to pull a "hey mister" for more booze. Anyways, I end up buying a machete because it seemed like a good idea.

We're in the parking lot and some people are yellin so we're yellin back like AYO SHUT DA FUCK UP, just because we're drunk and belligerent. Anyways, these two black dudes roll the fuck up on us and hop out an SUV. One starts punchin my friend. I pull out the concealed machete from my pants and am about to cop a murder charge when a COP rolls by and shines his light on us. Anyway everyone took off in different directions and I got away and ditched the machete in a river.

DUI
So its the 4th of july and I'm 17 y/o. Two of my cousins had just been shot to death by a gang I wont name the prior month and I'm in a downward spiral circling the drain. So we're drinkin behind the del taco when a cop shows up to bust our balls, but he lets us go.

I'm drinking a can of beer under the fireworks. Had maybe 4 that night, smoked a ton of pot as pot was just an errday thing. I'm driving around when my friend unexcpectadly pulls the e-brake (did stupid shit like that all the time) when I'm accelerating in a low gear after a stop sign. Long story short, we drift up onto the curb and I hit a tree. Took the fucker out, but my gas tank goes instantly from full to empty.

We round a corner, then another corner, before the car dies. There's a 30 rack and 18 inch bong in the trunk, so I tell my friends to ditch that shit. Then the fucking mob of angry people shows up, dropping their wine/champagne glasses and trying to fight us and shit. Luckily paramedics show up (just standard for any 911 car crash call on a 4th of july I guess), and they protect us from the crazy redneck fucks til the cops show up.

Cops come and are like goddamn boy you smell like a fuckin brewery. Then I sucked at blowing and couldn't do the breathalyzer, which infuriated them. The whole way to the police station they're saying they can't wait to beat my ass and throw me in with the older people even tho I'm not an adult yet.

So they pull blood and my BAC was .03, and they didn't find weed in my system. I'm like ?????? Between that and the police report getting the wrong model of car and colour, as well as being threatened, it was just ridiculous. Ended up doing some youth program where you tour the jail so there was no charges, but it stuck on my DMV record.

To be continued... next the drugs will hit, and they will hit hard

[Black Jesus]

tales of money, drugs, sex, murder, and my 2nd expulsion tomorrow

[Robdukes]

This book would frustrate anyone trying to read it. People want to connect with the protagonist. Know how he or she feels. Not just read a story about what they did. Unless it's like a biography of a president and they're writing an essay. What you need is thoughts and feelings for the reader to make a connection with the character and not just actions.

[OforOppression]

keep in mind naez will forget about this entire idea after he drains a fifth of vodka and pukes on his charlie sheen signature polo

[Black Jesus]

If that actually happened I would expect screenshots. Just because you boys pass out after your second virgin strawberry dacquiri doesnt mean you gotta start rumors degrading the strength of my stone liver