Breakfast I

[Skew]

I dont know how Snacks handled you and Orna in the same guild. That was some jedi yodi shit he had.

[maskedmelon]

oh, right, of course ^^; 50 ^^;


wut





evssss


^^

[skarlorn]

All of Rivervale sat together at a feast table in between the Fool's Gold and the castle. Filbus Furyfoot, Lord of the Misty Thicket sat at the grand head of all the tables, his hand on Yola's knee. She had respawned. To his left sat Mayor Gubbin. All the other halflings he had unwittingly killed under the evil spell of Tekilya the Autistic Monk were back, too. It was Norrath, after all.

Filbus ate. He ate ravenously. Pork pies and pied pork, pudding pie and pie pudding, pizza and pasta, spaghetti and tortellini, lamb chop, pork chop, beef steak and salmon steak, chocolate chip cookies with Funyuns and Haribo Gummi Bears passed between his lips as an appetizer. He drank gallons of Mead and quarts of milk and many glasses of brandy before he burped mightily and silenced the crowd.

The hobbits looked at him in awe. A whisper ran through the audience. "He went a whole day without food," they said, half in fear and half in admiration.

Filbus pointed at Tekilya, who was bound by chains and smothered in honey. The Deputies brought the prisoner before him.

"What shall I do with the evil monk, who tortured me so cruelly?" asked Filbus to the crowd.

"SLAVERY!"

As he looked upon the addled monk, Filbus felt something in his heart. Was it... was it... pity?

No, this was the feeling of retardation.

Suddenly, the world froze. A fat man wearing a red silk smoking jacket embroidered by golden chinese dragons descended from the sky in a cloud of motorcycle exhaust. He had stained gray sweatpants and on his feet were hand-stitched, Golden Thai Theater shoes.

He landed in the middle of the feast table, his shoes messing up a roast turkey. The fat man queefed, loudly. Finally, the fat man turned to Filbus and the halfling observed that the man's eyes did not look in the same direction.

"This has been a retarded episode in your life," the fat man said. He pushed his tongue through the very large gap between his front teeth. "Very little of it made sense."

Filbus began to reply until he realized that the fat man in the smoking jacket was, in fact, talking to a small dog at the side of the table. He watched as the man with eyes that looked in different directions carried on his conversation with the canine, before darting away to crouch over Tekilya.

Suddenly, the man looked at Filbus with his mismatched gaze. "You must NOT take his cabbages," the fat man said.

"Who are you?" Filbus asked, not for the first time in this story.

The fat man levitated over the table and began taking chunks of boiled crab claws from his pockets and sucking the meat out of them. "I am the Retarded God and this - the lazy plot device - is my domain."

Filbus opened his mouth, but was interrupted. "You cannot speak," the Retarded God said retardedly, "as you will find your potato is ACTUALLY a gnome." Filbus was in shock. His potato WAS a gnome, preventing him from speaking!

"Spyder23 has done well bringing you to me," said the God after a moment spent choking on exoskeleton of crab. "Your gods have forgotten you, Filbus - for you made the egregious mistake of rolling as Agnostic at your character creation back in January of 2013. You thought you served Rallos. You thought you had the favor of Bristlebane, before that. No, little Lordling, you never had their eye.

"The Gods never even KNEW you existed," the fat man with eyes that pointed different ways said in a grave tone.

It was true. In a way, Filbus had always known it. His efforts to seek Divinity had been futile. He was just a murderer. An excellent murderer, but a thug through-and-through.

"What if I told you," began the Retarded God, "That none of this had even really happened? That it was all just a PTSD fantasy, that you never even left your computer room. That's right, Filbus... you aren't even in control of your own mind. You don't even really have PTSD, this is all just the fantastic projections of a human who has opened his third eye and perceived the transgenerational epigenetic trauma of war through his ancestral subconscious and seeks catharsis in the vague swamp of life's meaning."

Filbus had no idea what any of this meant. But, instantly, he knew it to be true.

"Then I must go the way of Frodo, that way Rivervale can be saved," Filbus declared sadly. He did not know why he thought this, but it seemed like the thing heroic thing to say.

With a loud -POOT- the Retarded God vanished and appeared before Filbus. He smelled brackish like shrimp paste. Then he took a syringe out of his pocket. The syringe was filled with a pearlescent liquid and had a long needle. It was God's Seed. He punched Filbus in the throat and stuck the syringe needle into the hobbit's arm, depressed the plunger, and then backed away.

"No, Filbus," said the Retarded God, "I will save you this one time. With this discovery, left to your own devices, you would go mad and become addicted to Goblin Cavespice. A veteran like you with intense Dragon PTSD will go berzerk and bring ruin to all you love. I have saved you..." The Retarded God licked his lips. "I have made you retarded."

A loud static filled the air.

Backing away, the fat man said, "now you will serve ME, Filbus. You are mine..."

Time resumed.

Filbus smiled glumly at Yola. In front of him, on the brown wood, was a piece of yummy looking cake. Cake! MMM. He guffawed and shoved the piece into his mouth.

Filbus loved cake!

[Lhancelot]

Hey Skarlorn, go find Redbeard the book by Michael Resnick.

All of Resnick's shit written after it was either weird or too boring I tried to find more of his stuff later because Redbeard was such a fun and fast read.

The main character, Red Will Donahoe (Redbeard) reminds me so much of Filbus. Redbeard was written quite some time ago, 1970 iirc.

Anyway, it just reminds me so much of Filbus and vice versa I think you'd appreciate that short book a lot.

[Lhancelot]

Originally Posted by gundumbwing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

So you are saying terrible writers like terribly written stories?

I agree. Go read that shit Skarlorn. Cause fuck....i don't even....fuuuuuck....

I don't get what you mean by this. ^

I personally found the story great if you didn't/do not that's ok too.

I just see many correlations between Filbus and Redbeard in their behavior, it's really uncanny.

[Lhancelot]

Originally Posted by Swish [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Scratch the surface, what's under that veiled innocence?

What are you talking about? You sure are a paranoid fellow sometimes.

My post was quite transparent I thought.

I was just humored by Gundumbwing's aggressive and angry position regarding the book Redbeard, and didn't quite understand what he meant other than he did not like the book.

[skarlorn]

Many days have passed since the closing of this strange and retarded Tale.

However, the tides of fate stay still for no man.

Every hour that passes, Filbus grows more in favor with the Retarded One, and Tekilya Wu'Tang grows weaker as long as he does not post in this thread.

[Lulz~Sect]

😬 4 U

[Lhancelot]

I enjoyed this Skarlorn.

My attention span is splintered sometimes and I have to read things more than once to fully soak them in.

I think it's pretty ingenious mixing RL control of the toon in the game with the tale of your actual toon in the game.

You have an extremely unique, descriptive writing style that showcases a very wild imagination that seems to not have much of a ceiling.

Thanks for posting this!

[skarlorn]

Glad you enjoyed, Lhance. It is very fun to share my autistic tales with the community here [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]