DAP is dead, dial UPER - we are hiring

[Yasi]

Dear all,
There have been quite some threads about the <Dial A Port> (which will be referred to as „taxi“ from here on). A long, long time ago, the invention of taxi brought with it a new era of mobility for individuals. You could get from anywhere to anywhere in a very comfortable manner, skipping the hassles of public transportation in busses or trains.
You were befriended with your regular taxi drivers, who would pick you up at 3am in the morning at your favourite pub.

Hell, you could have put a sign around your neck saying “dear taxi man, please bring me home to this address, money is in my pocket” and would not have doubted for a second that being the good guy he was, you would wake up at home in your bed, under a cozy blanket with no penny missing.

These beautiful days have long vanished. The words “taxi” and “customer service” are not be named in a single sentence at once. Instead of comfortable armchair like seats you will find yourself in a 25 year old shit car. Instead of a nice conversation with the angel on the driving seat, some 200lb dude with leftovers in his beard will shout “WHERE TO?” at you. Although he would shout, you will barely understand it due to the damping effect of the cold cigarette smoke that fills the entire car.

If your answer doesn’t suit him, because your trip is of short nature, he will go into grumpy mode giving you the feeling of being highly unwelcome in his car. If your trip is long, he will go for detours to gain maximum profit out of your joyride.

Reaching your destination, you will be charged ridiculous amounts of money for non-existing service. Not paying cash will add extra charges. No cash = not classic apparently.

Ladies and gentlemen, these days are over.

I am herby proudly announcing new guild <UNITED PALS EXCURSIONS REMASTERED> (short “UPER”).

We intend to fill the service gap the taxi has left, by providing a new level of superb travelling service. Our USPs:

• Presentable drivers: all drivers will be proficient in English and talk to you in full sentences, daily showers are mandatory.
• Fair pricing: we believe that mobility is a human right. You should not be denied getting from A to B because you’re unable to pay high prices.
• Fair working environment: a happy drivers makes a happy customer. Our drivers get paid above minimum wage. We support their entrepreneurial spirit. The times of daylight robbery by Afeni are over.
• Ever sat on the taxi bench bored? Our drivers are trained entertainers, making our ride a unique fun trip.
• Ever were dropped by your taxi in the rain without an umbrella? We will make sure you get all the things you need on arrival, including invisibility and movement speed.

The best for last:
WE ARE HIRING. If you want to be part of UPER, send me a private message. Help us to make travelling great again.

Best,
Yasi