Tekilia Pu'Tang's Truly Inspiring Traveler's Saga: Crushboned! The Complete Series

[Jotei]

Tekilia Pu'Tang's Truly Inspiring Traveler's Saga: Crushboned!

by

Tekilia Pu'Tang


To My Friends

[Jotei]

Chapter 1 - Enter the Pu'Tang

The rank air of clan Crushbone assaulted Tekilia's sinuses. The putrid stink of wet dog and cat piss muddled with earthy scents of still water and mildew hung offensively in the air, a stately display of orc society. There was a small band of orcs huddled not far form the entrance conversing in hushed tones (airy grunts and snarls) and a small mass of wiry hair and weathered steel lay motionless at their center.

The orcs paid Tekilia no heed. Her ninja-like entrance had gone unnotied of course, though Tekilia was confident she could have run in naked, on fire, screaming Song of Midnight and she'd still have passed undetected, so engrossed were they with their find.

Tekilia withdrew her thick rods and approached the band. One of the smaller orcs shuffled closer tentatively and leaning over sniffed inquisitively at their find. It's harsh underbite and disorganized dentes betrayed its reservations though. Saliva ran freely from its lips as it investigated the small hairy mass of steel, showering it in orc spittle.

An eye flicked open and chaos reigned. The moleman was in motion.

"Don't be foggin' me helm with yer stinkin' orc breath... orc!"
"Centurions! Legionaires! Join the battle!" cried the little pawn.
"I'll teach youto interfere with me Hostvirus!" grunted one of the centurions
"I'll teach youto interfere with me Hostvirus!" grunted another of the centurions
"I'll teach youto interfere with me Hostvirus!"grunted the remaining centurion.

The moleman cut broad arcs through the air with his little moleman hammer. His face controted as he mouthed a prayer to his moleman gods. Abruptly he couched his little hammer and was showered in Divine Aura. He trotted gleefully towards the entrance, chuckling as blow after blow was apprehended by Divine Aura.

The orcs stopped in bewilderment as the moleman crossed the threshold of Clan Crushbone, vanishing into the Faydark night. They mulled about for a few moments before shuffling off. Tekilia took note of everything that had transpired and silently pursued the band of orcs. As she neared the small procession, she loosed a shuriken in the back of a straggler.

"I'll teach you to interfere with me Tekilia!" It howled as it rushed towards her.

It's companions, blissfully unaware of her presence, paid it no mind, assuming it mad as was common among orcs. Tekilia was mildly perturbed that the beast knew her name, but was not so surprised. She was a girl of particular renown and her fame had only grown with her valorous defense of Freeport and liberation of the Faydark.Tekilia withdrew her thick rods and pummeled the inkskin senseless, before extinguishing its miserable existence with a round kick to the side of its head.

Chaos danced to the terrified cries of nooblettes. Orcs were everywhere. Corpses littered the ground, the torn and disfigurd remains of man and elf and orc alike, a flood of color in a ghastly landscape.

A fresh-faced adventurer ran by screaming, the tops of his bare little small-man feet bleeding profusely. An orc legionnaire followed in hot pursuit, a bloody mat in each fist.

"You are no match for a legionnaire!"

Tekilia burst to action, her majestic bosom bouncing furiously as she pummeled the orc legionnaire.

"STOP!" squealed a voice form her left. Tekilia crushed the orc legionnaire's skull with one of her thick rods before turning to the source. A monk in a pink robe and a gay-looking hat stared angrily at her as he flailed his arms stupidly at a pack of rabid orcs that seemed more interested with a lone wolf in front of them. The wolf panted contentedly, it's long tongue lolling from the side of its mouth as the orcs tried over and again in vain to strike it. Lost to a volatile mixture of rage and frustration, some ran off swinging viciously at the nearest unsuspecting noob they could find.

"THAT orc and its slaughter are the domain of the Kelethin Adventruers Union, subject to its rules, regulations and by-laws notwithstanding the Greater Norrathian Criminal Code and YOU are in VIOLATION of Paragraphs I through M of Article G, Section A, Subsection Y," he squealed smuggly "and I quote..."

Screams of agony rang out as more unsuspecting nooblettes fell victim to the madness spiraling out from the pink monk. Tekilia rushed toward the whimpering halfling (he had fallen in flight) as the monk droned on.

"I've secured permits for the slaughter of all orc kind in this zone. You will be leaving now. Thank you!" he squeaked rudely.

"I don't care!" she hissed in righteous fury through a clenched jaw as she scopped up the little man in her arms and began binding his wounds. The little man squirmed at first, but then calmed in her care, softly nuzzling the pillowy comfort of her prodigious bosom as she worked.

"You're carelessness critically injured and could have KILLED this little man," she growled as her soft hands delicatley bound the halflings wounded feet. Finishing she sat him on the ground and turned to the monk. The dazed halfling stared longingly up at Tekilia.

"You are disturbing the peace!" She barked "BE GONE!"

"Y-you have no right!" stammered the monk in his high pitch voice.

Tekilia challenged him with nothing more than the severity of her expression. The monk jumped and took off running for the entrance, the white wolf at his heels. The enraged pack of orcs followed, then as before all fell calm as the orcs slowly shuffled back to their posts.

"Adventurers, the chaos is at an end. The jackasses have departed. Fear not, you may resume your activities in peace!" she shouted.

The whole of clan crushbone erupted with wild cheers of appreciation as adventurers returned to their business.

And so it was that Tekilia Pu'Tang, Savior of Faydark, Defender of Freeport, Heir to the Pu'Tang throne brought a measure of order to the wild enclave of crushbone. For three nights and three days she battled orc soldiers in the courtyard of Clan Crushbone. On the eve of the fourth night Tekilia stood triumphantly in a field of carnage, her prodigious bosom perched proudly above the trophies of her conquest. Dozens of Crushbone Belts wrapped Tekilia's mid-section from her under-bust down past her ass cheeks as testament to her successful infiltration of Clan Crushbone.

[Jotei]

Chapter 2 - New Knowledge, New Friends

The heavy walnut doors snapped open in silent reverence as Tekilia shot into the castle like a butterfly riding lightning.

"You are no match for a legionnaire!!" growled one of her pursuers.
"You are no match for Pu'Tang" she retorted smugly
"[orc legionaire] is looking for an ass beating. Let us oblige it!" she called to her companions in the Throne Room.

Tekilia dashed inaudibly down the entrance corridor of Castle Crushbone, nimbly avoiding the wild swipe of a centurion as she passed the welcome alcove.

"Hail Emperor Crush!!" it cired before joining the pursuit.

Tekilia zipped around the corner into the Throne Room and crashed clean into Jonn, faithful minion of Takato. Jonn snorted as it reconstituted itself. Tekilia sucked at her teeth in frustration as she shook off some of the excesss water. She was drenched. Her white linen pants and halter sucked transluscently to her shapely figure like a second skin and most of the floor around the Dining Hall was slick from her collision with the water elemental. The orcs wouldn't know that though. She smiled to herself.

The orcs came crashing around the corner howling like the mad animals they were only to tumble over one another as they crossed the wet floor. Enraged, the orcs turned on one another, lashing out in frustration at whatever was within reach. Tekilia seized the opportunity and dove into the melee along with Jonn and the other elemental minions of her tiny companions.

Tekilia was a torrent of righteous fury and precision. Her thick rods shattered skulls, her dainty feet snapped spines and her petite hands emasculated orcs.

It was only earlier that morning that she had realized the purpose of the Tiger Claw technique. Master Closk of the Ashen Hand had instructed it much the same way as the Pu'Tang Masters of her homeland and she received perfect marks at examine. There was no question, her technique was perfect. Master Closk had marveled at her precision and praised her abilities, but there had never been any direction as to prime targets as always there was with other techniques: a fist to the stomach, a palm to the chin, fingers to eyes, knee to groin, so on and so forth.

The Tiger Claw was a low strike, executed while crouching and more often than not it caught more air than foe. Nonetheless it seemed to take much of the fight out of her opponents. Tekilia had chocked it up as another method to Instill Doubt, a mental assault. That was until this morning when a distracted adversary stumbled forward as she executed the attack and her hand came back with a fist full of orc parts. Now she understood its purpose and applied that understanding with great efficiency. Orcs squealed left and right as they were taken by Tekilia's Tiger Claw.

"TIGER CLAW!!! Your balls are mine!" she cried as the last orc met its death in shared shame with the rest of its comrades.

One of her tiny companions chuckled, clapping his hands enthusiastically in sadistic approval as orc parts flew overhead out the castle window. There was still a nasty blue smear on the wall from the first set of orc parts she'd claimed. She'd be taken with fleeting horror at what had happened before the warm waters of understanding washed over her.

She smiled in recollection of her naivete as she rinsed her hands clean in Jonn. Jonn snorted as she withdrew. Her tiny companions sat in a row atop the Dining Table. They'd made it their mission to defile the Castle Crushbone in every way possible. and took great delight in Tekilia's newfound savagery as they regarded it.

Tekilia had learned much of mischief from them, but had also learned they were an intelligent people with a deep love of the arcane. Indeed each commanded powerful elemental magics. Tekilia had no love for magic, but had come to respect the martial prowess of the elemental constructions they had mastered. She also held great appreciation for the various objects they could summon for her use. They represented an endless supply of kunai and bandages and battle companions that neither tired nor faltered.

One of the gnomes hopped down from her seat atop the table and handed Tekilia a dimensional pocket full of bandages.
"Dry off," she squeaked glancing furtively to her male companions.
"Oh, THANK you, Gnopanteez!" Tekilia replied, taking note of the fact that the other two mages locked in meditation were staring directly at her.
"How much longer until they are ready to continue," she bent and whispered to the little woman.
"They're full mana. Dry off," she repeated once more.

The two little gnomes locked in their meditative trances continued to stare at Tekilia as she wrung the excess water from her things and dried off next to Gnopanteez' fire elemental. When she'd finished, she saw the gnomes had broken from their trances and were conversing between themselves in their native tongue.

"Dingly bing my wonkly puu."
"Nang dang tiki niki ban ban!"
"Huehuehuehuehueeeheheheh!"

Gnopanteez glowered at the two. All stopped and turned their attention to Tekilia as she approached.

"Teach me your language, little people. I would like to join in your conversations."

"How?" questioned Takato.

Having mastered Antonican, Pu'Tangese and Seahorse, Tekilia was a master linguist. She explained the ins and outs of how language is learned, the best methods for success and the role of the teacher in administering lessons. Takato agreed to help her by limiting himself to his native tongue while conversing in their party. Tekilia was pleased.

And so it was that Tekilia Pu'Tang, Savior of Faydark, Defender of Freeport, Heir to the Pu'Tang Throne passed the late weeks of the warm spring of Operation Elven Freedom of the greater Crushbone Annihilation Campaign of 3305.

[Jotei]

Chapter 3 - Fisting and Fine Pants

Takato lounged lazily on a bed of silk covered orc hair pillows in the tent his party had erected on the Table of Castle Crushbone's great dinging hall while his minion Jonaker and its elemental brethren rampaged throughout the castle. Gnopanteez scurried about relieving the dead of their possessions while Bonezai meditated on a fine Ro carpet.

Takato popped a fat purple grape in his mouth and with a waggle of his stubby little fingers rained fire on the Throne Room melee. Jonaker, the other elemental and Tekilia were spared the fires' wrath. It was a smart bomb. The orcs were not so lucky. The room erupted with gruesome howls and the pleasing scent of victory and barbecue.

Tekilia had stowed her rods and was judiciously practicing the ancient art of Fisting. She'd learned the basics in her homeland of Pu'Tang and thoroughly enjoyed the art, but quickly found the power and efficiency of a thick rod in her hand intoxicating. She'd all but abandoned fisting since she left her homeland, but now relished the simplicity of the art and reveled in the satisfaction her fists delivered.

In an age of increasingly larger weapons, the simple fist was often forgotten. The fist had even lost ground among monks. Nevertheless, it was still held in the highest regard among the most elite monks of Norrath: those of Tekilia's Pu'Tang and the legendary Wu'Tang imported to Antonica by Wu Shifu of the Silent Fists. It was an art of sacred import for the devout and its practice a time honored tradition among those mightiest of schools.

At first, Tekilia had found her accuracy lacking and the orcs seemed unconcerned as her assaults met more air than orc flesh. She persevered though, fisting for the better part of every day for two weeks and it had paid off. She improved rapidly and now that her talents had taken over, she was approaching Master Class. Orcs squealed in fright at the sight of her Silver Chitin Wrapped fists.

The most recent attempt by the orcs of Clan Crushbone to reclaim the castle proper drew to a close as the last Legionnaire dropped to the ground, its charred flesh cracked and flaking. Tekilia rinsed her hands in Jonaker and then dried them in its airy companion Konakn. She turned her attention to the fresh young face waiting quietly near the dining table.

The lovely elf maiden had appeared straight from the shadows and in the frenzy of the melee had almost slipped back into them, a secret to be held in quiet by the castle alone. She was not quick enough though, not for the astute senses of Tekilia Pu'Tang.


In the midst of a meleeTekilia's sharp eyes had caught sight of less frenzied, more purposed movement across the room as her fist sank into an Orc Centurion. The creature squealed in agony. Tekilia moved for a better vantage, deftly evading the enraged counterattacks of the injured creature. Near a window on the far side of the room a fashionably outfitted young woman dashed for the door.

"Your pants are lovely!" Tekilia cried. The petite thing halted her retreat. confused, she scanned the chaos of the melee once more and found Tekilia smiling brightly at her.
"Thank you," she quietly replied, the slightest of smiles gracing her pretty face. Blue light poured form her hands as she gracefully drew her outstretched arms overhead. Tekilia squirmed with delight as she felt the Spirit of Wolf enter her. The minor scratches she'd sustained fisting the orcs mended themselves as she began to regenerate with the power of Chloroplast. Her skin was like nature. The High Druidess beamed a smile at Tekilia.


Tekilia still pulsed with the light of nature as she approached the young elf.
"I LOVE your pants," she said.
"Thank you," quietly replied the elf through a tight-lipped smile, bashfully glancing away as if to escape the oppressive enthusiasm of Tekilia's approving smile. "There were more like them if you-" she continued.
"Oh, where?!" Tekilia pressed enthusiastically.
"I will check if they have your size."
"Oh no, I don't want to impose. If you would share the location with me I can search them out when I've finished expunging the orcs of Clan Crushbone."
"It's no trouble at all!' replied the elf, a bit more enthusiastically. She smiled more broadly at Tekilia and with a thunderous crack, the young maid slipped into a portal and was gone.

[Jotei]

Chapter 4 - Tyranny Toppled

Tekilia was thrilled! Her heart raced with excitement. Her veins flowed with the power of nature and she was soon to learn where she might purchase a new pair of fine pants!

"TIME TO DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" she shouted as she raced across the throne room to the tower. She hesitated as she rounded the corner. She'd been here once before...

The memories flooded her mind. She'd unwittingly stumbled into a conference between Emperor Crush and his most trusted advisors: The Warlord, The Prophet and the inkblot filth Ambassador D'Vinn. Crush's Royal Guard had been upon her in a flash. She was overpowered by the group and they'd had their way with her. It was over as quickly as it had begun though. She'd awoken clean and free at the Orc Lift in Fellagan, but she'd felt dirty for making such a foolish mistake.

Not this time she thought as she raced up the staircase. The Royal Guard thrusted at her from behind in the shadows!
"'Death! Death to all who oppose the Crushbone orcs!" it cried. She took the bloow in stride and sprinted on up the staircase.
"'Death! Death to all who oppose the Crushbone orcs!" cried the Prophet
"'Death! Death to all who oppose the Crushbone orcs!'" bellowed the orc Emperor Crush
"Time to die Tekilia!" hissed the dark elf Ambassador D'Vinn
"You are no match for Pu'Tang!" Tekilia returned in righteous fury."Emperor Crush is looking for an ass beating! Let us oblige him!" she cried down to her companions in the Throne Room as she dashed down the Tower stair case.

Tekilia started as she bolted from behind the throne, nearly colliding with (and then annihilating) a towering skeleton before she realized it was only Bonezai's animated minion Kekeker. Tekilia readied herself as the frothing band of orc leadership poured into the Throne Room. Howls of pain and rage erupted as Tekilia began fisting foes. Her fists were unleashed. Her wrath unbridled. Silver Chitin bit tender flesh as she fisted each adversary a dozen times over. Kekeker cackled gleefully as it joined the melee alongside the tempestuous monk and snorting elementals. Takato and Gnopanteez rained fire upon their foes and Bonezai beamed a smile at Ambassador D'Vinn as he drained the life force from him,

"Ahhh, thank you," he sighed sadistically.

By fist or fire, the orcs fell one by one to the Throne Room floor. The inkblot D'Vinn was the last foe standing. Tekilia fiercely fisted him, but he seemed not to mind. He seemed rather to enjoy it. The elementals hacked at him with rusty weapons alongside the skeletal animation and slowly D'Vinn tired. His movements slowed. He was near his end.

"Finish him," came a sweet voice form the entrance corridor. Tekilia glanced to see the elf maid had returned and decided to issue the end to the threat of Clan Crushbone once and for all.

"TIGER CLAW!!!" Your Balls are mine!" she cried, landing the killing blow as she claimed a fist full of Dark Elf parts.

The pretty elf maid cringed imperceptibly at the sight before nodding approvingly. Tekilia threw the Dark Elf parts against the throne and proceeded to rinse her hands in Jonaker. She was through with this place. The orc menace was neutralized and she needed to meet with Master Closk. Tekilia approached the young elf who presented her with a small package.

"What is this?" she asked in surprise.

"These pants were sold out," she said daintily tapping a thigh with her index finger, "but I thought you could use this though." She smiled.

"How much?" Tekilia chewed her lip nervously. She was concerned. She'd made some coin selling refurbished Crushbone Belts, but nothing substantial and she'd only wanted to know where she could obtain such fashionable pants. She hadn't expected a purchase on her behalf.

"Free," beamed the petite elf.

"Oh my. Thank you SO much!" Tekilia cried in appreciation as she enfolded the pretty little elf in a show of gratitude. she'd never received a gift before. This was perhaps the kindest thing anyone had done for since she'd departed her homeland. The elf squirmed in Tekilia's arms and she realized her prodigious bosom was suffocating the poor creature. She released the girl and flushed as she glanced away in embarrassment.

"Ahem, thank you," she said looking out the window.

"You're welcome," beamed the High Druidess. Tekilia only learned much later how much senior the girl actually was. The magic she wielded could only have been mastered through years, decades of practice. The elves however were blessed with eternal youth and Tekilia was a simple girl.

Tekilia tore at the package. a matching set of gold nylon yoga pants and matching bust strap were inside! Tekilia examined the articles carefully reviewing the care instructions and product information embroidered on the inside. Wu's Fighting Pantaloons! The famed Master Wu had recently announced his retirement and had launched a fashion line the year before in anticipation as a sort of twilight career. It was rumored that the warrior monk Tekilya Wu'Tang would be anointed his successor, but with the growing turmoil in the frozen wasteland of Velious, Norrath was riddled with uncertainty.

Stacks of shuriken and bandages as well as her two rods and some fishcakes fell to the floor as Tekilia tore off her linen garments, much to the dismay of Gnopanteeze (oddly) and the Druidess. The Druidess blushed profusely as Tekilia wrestled her magnificent mammaries into the new halter and wiggled her way into the new pants. They were a tight fight unlike her baggy linens, but offered superior mobility.

Tekilia gathered and stowed her belongings once more before walking over to the Great Dining Hall window. She stood proudly as she gazed at the ruins of Clan Crushbone. The sinking sun cast harsh shadows across her impeccable physique and her companions knew they were part of something special.

And so it was that Tekilia Pu'Tang mastered the ancient art of Fisting, brought an end to the tyranny of Clan Crushbone and ascended to Fashionista in a single day. The Sylvan lands of Faydwer trumpted loudly the name of Tekilia Pu'Tang, Butcher of Crushbone, Savior of Faydark, Defender of Freeport, Master Fister, Wearer of Fine Pants, Heir to the Throne of the Pu'Tang Empire.

fin