Let me tell you a really sad story.

[magnetaress]

Back in 2001 after the towers got blewn up I, homeless and retarded signed up to the military to blow shit up and be an angry fgt 1st class (not my actchual rank but close enough).

I was really dumb and flunked Jump school because I was a major fgt and retard.

Then I was asigned the USASMA as a nerd to keep the bigger idiots trained. That was pretty fun for awhile. They were really cool ass motherfuckers and I loved it, except I was still retarded and mentally ill.

I shipped out to Drum, to go hang with the 10th mountain division, but attempted suicide and they got kinda pissed at me, but were real cool dudes about it anyway, even offered to let me stay on base and work as a civvy, so I got out of the service after 4 yrs of being a loser and a failure.

I left there to go to SLC where I hooked up with this psycho girl because i was a desperate incel. Who was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, and tried to knife myself in the throat and most likely succeeded, and this is hell and my punishment. She stole all my old cameras and cool file photos of me in uniform, and my dad has all my other pictures. (we don't talk still after all these years)

But if you want to see my award from USASMA and my photoID and a few beach shots and xmas shots for u to compare you can click the spoiler below. I can't promise it will stay online for ever, i'll probalby delete it in a few days or hrs.

 

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Yeah. I am a total and complete failure, but I got to hobnob with some incredible people in the military. Some amazing foreign dignitaries. Go fuck up but some how graduate PLDC at Fort Bliss back in like 03 or 4 or whatever. And I don't regret it a bit. They probably put all the suicide prevention stuff up there because of me.

Look. My life isn't something I'm proud of. I did what I had to do to fucking survive. And if I had it to do over again, I would have fought harder, and been more grateful for the opportunity to serve along side these incredible people and I would still be serving them today, even if it is just a warm fucking meal in the VA hospital.

Just getting to go to Ft Benning as a male, before they unisexed everything and know what it was like to go through that amazing training program with an Amazing Drill Sgt who took my crazy ass want to kill and shoot up my school, and formed it into an honorable fucking soldier. We sung songs of glorious carnage and I learned that despite all my failings and horrible circumstance, despite being locked the fuck up in the insane asylum as a little kid and tortured with psychiatric medicine. I still could make the bar, the cut.

I just wish I still could. And I'm sad that the world is so fucked up, because I really do want to fix it, no matter what it takes. And I am a lot less angry for having had the experience and privilage of being in the Army. Everyone should consider it. It will make you a better person, no matter who you are. Or what retarded shit you believe in. I just hope we don't have to send poor kids to get chopped the fuck up for some petty ass bullshit politics one day.

[BarnabusCollins]

Fought harder... for what

[magnetaress]

Originally Posted by BarnabusCollins [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Fought harder... for what

For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms to be retards @ home and jerk off at anime porn while eating GMO free munchies ya retard.

--- Fought harder to stay sane. Stay in the military. Earn $$$ and fix my mom's house, help out my brother. Save the lives of the poor fuckers who stayed in after I left. Etc... Just make the world a better place, the military is where I had the most agency to do that in my entire life. It's been down hill only since then.

[BarnabusCollins]

"For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms"

1. stay the fuck off their land its not yours

2. they never fucked with any freedoms, but they were the scapegoat of 9.11

You went crazy because you were going against the will of God Almighty. Change it.

Love one another, as I have loved you, He said.

[Danth]

Trying to cut your own throat is pretty hardcore. Most men simply use a pistol. You must have been in a pretty bad place. I assume you left out the worst of it; if so, that's good sense. This forum has too many posters who want to pick a fight to have much value as a support group. You're not a total failure though. If you were you'd be posting from a prison cell or from the hereafter.

You said things have gone downhill. What do you regard as your own greatest obstacle to finding stability?

Danth

[magnetaress]

Originally Posted by BarnabusCollins [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

"For my buds to not get fucked up by IEDs and our freedoms"

1. stay the fuck off their land its not yours

2. they never fucked with any freedoms, but they were the scapegoat of 9.11

You went crazy because you were going against the will of God Almighty. Change it.

Love one another, as I have loved you, He said.

Believe you me. I wish life were this simple. You may be right about going against God's will. In the present. I respect how you feel. I wish you well with all the good will I can spare.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by Danth [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Trying to cut your own throat is pretty hardcore. Most men simply use a pistol. You must have been in a pretty bad place. I assume you left out the worst of it; if so, that's good sense. This forum has too many posters who want to pick a fight to have much value as a support group. You're not a total failure though. If you were you'd be posting from a prison cell or from the hereafter.

You said things have gone downhill. What do you regard as your own greatest obstacle to finding stability?

Danth

You're right. Yeah, I didn't post out of need for support. At least not consciously. I won't rule out the subconscious. My attempted suicides have all been real fun(tm). Not really. I shouldn't glorify it. And that isn't my intention. I have struggled deeply with self hatred.

I didn't want to engage in psychotherapy here. Let's just say there is buried within my psyche the kind of monster the likes of which only God has seen. Whenever I try to do good or God's will. I end up going over the knifes edge and I have very very bad impulse control. I don't think I have resolved anything from that traumatic moment that wound me up restrained, and drugged in a children's hospital mental ward. I have not been able to solo my way out of that hell for any long period of time. And I think the only reason I made it as far as I did in the military is because there was a legitimate target for that monster to be directed towards. I can't word it. I'm not in the appropriate emotional state to really tackle this and answer this question right now.

It's just real bad man. And Thanks for thinking about it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

My greatest, and deepest hope is that others can learn from my mistakes. My failures. And that my life as wretched and stupid as it has been. Well. Someone will learn to not neglect a child, or to do the right thing and stand up for what's right. I wasn't able to kill the monster in my pscyche. I don't even know why I have been spared prison.

I should be in prison. I should have been strapped down to a table and euthanized. Just for being such a failure, defective waste of life alone. But that's niether here, nor there, it's pointless to dwell on that. I'm actually kinda upset that people are keeping me alive on life support. I really don't deserve it. I should just die. I don't want to kill myself again though. I can't go through that again. Last time, was in 2018 and I did it in the VA psyche ward to spare my family the grief of watching me do it in front of them. It wasn't a good idea and I regret it. I am afraid I finally succeeded and this is my personal hell, which I must finally accept until my brain completely dies the rest of the way.

[Woke Locc]

Cotard or Maim-ed Flower?

[magnetaress]

Originally Posted by Woke Locc [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Cotard or Maim-ed Flower?

Don't make fun or delete, I don't want to be double posted, but I wish to be Maim-ed Flower.

Cotard would really suck. Yuck.

-----

I will say when people go to draw blood from me I have near panic and feel like I'm being violated and my agency and choice is not in play. Like I have to let them take it if I don't they'll hurt me worse.

[Woke Locc]

Originally Posted by magnetaress [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Don't make fun or delete, I don't want to be double posted, but I wish to be Maim-ed Flower.

Cotard would really suck. Yuck.

-----

I will say when people go to draw blood from me I have near panic and feel like I'm being violated and my agency and choice is not in play. Like I have to let them take it if I don't they'll hurt me worse.

great name for a necro though [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

[Danth]

Originally Posted by magnetaress [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I will say when people go to draw blood from me I have near panic and feel like I'm being violated and my agency and choice is not in play. Like I have to let them take it if I don't they'll hurt me worse.

You would not have liked the nurses I had the last time I was in the hospital. Trying to put in an IV they failed...and failed...and failed. Apparently I have "squiggly veins" to use their technical terminology. Between both arms it took 17 tries across three nurses before they finally got one that worked.