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#1
07-29-2013, 10:36 PM
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I remember my first memories being incredibly young and in the dark as I must have been shortly before put down to bed with the lights out. I must have been sitting up in my bed staring through the dark at the light that was peering through the bottom of the closed bedroom door. Walking through the house to the basement where parents were talking amongst each other with another visiting family member asking me "what are you doing up?"
A couple other memories at a very young age that stuck around probably because it was traumatic since I was throwing up in the living room from eating cookies I believe. Or at least that's what I tasted. Mother not believing I could actually remember those things since I was incredibly young as well as remembering the man with the eye patch that ended up being a visiting uncle with an eye patch. Tried to convince me someone told me those stories and that's why I was repeating them, but I remember those memories as I search for the earliest. I am beginning to think after death this is exactly what happens. The energy that is 'us' simply searches or ends up in another vessel that may be a human being more than likely. Perhaps instantaneously being filled and thrown into another 'empty' vessel that would be an incredibly young child all over again. A theory that actually sounds pretty scary in itself because this filling of a 'vessel' could be completely random as most things tend to be in this universe. I could very well wake up just like I did in my earliest memories as an incredibly young child born into some random family. This is a scary thought considering it could be any incredibly young child simply anywhere in the entire world that we live in. Maybe a child in a 3rd world country that is going to live the life of poverty and/or abuse throughout childhood. Then again the energy that is 'me' could fit the vessel of an incredibly rich and wealthy family that actually lives a good and decent life without having to be a slave for it. This existence could very well be a constant reincarnation that happens over and over in the 'intelligent life' that we call humans on planet earth. I suppose it comes down to willing to live through the misery I am constantly in now only to hope and wish it gets better or be done with everything with the simple pull of a trigger and risk the complete randomness that is only to do it all over again. Even when planet earth is gone and destroyed by whatever means that accomplishes such a thing there very well might be another 'earth' somewhere else with intelligent life that is born again and again. Maybe it is only one life on this planet earth considering the 'in between' could be an absurd amount of time of years or decades or very well be an incredibly short amount of time that tosses the energy that is us into 'vessels' in a matter of seconds. A scary thought to ponder as maybe there is another 'planet earth' out there with 'intelligent self awareness' that has a whole different set of emotions and feelings. Emotions that could be arched in one direction that is pure pain, torcher, and misery that is presently considered evil or veered off into the other direction in a dramatic sense that is pure love, happiness, and ecstasy that we consider good. I have always figured that life would not be possible without love. Love which basically creates other beings as sex is considered 'love.' In reality it would be difficult for me to perform the sexual experience if I completely hated and loathed the person I was trying to penetrate. Then again, it could be complete and utter bull that it takes such love at all to do such a thing. We must consider however how 'mothers' are conditioned to unconditionally love their young and defend them with great ferocity just like in the animal kingdom. And that brings me back to the whole reason I seek a way out as I do not find what is known as 'love' anywhere in my life. All the good I figured I have done for myself and others should have created the attraction that brings it all back in a full circle as some think this universe abides by only one rule which is the 'law of attraction.' Perhaps I have not done enough 'good' to attract exactly what I desire which is 'love' and more 'good' for myself. Maybe the talk of the 'law of attraction' is another pipe dream of our daily realities as the general quantum mechanics suggest complete and utter chaos in the molecular world. But even those molecules tend to follow a set of rules that they abide by. Without love what is the point, right? Without that happiness of friendships and fun in our everyday lives, what is the reason to continue? If you work for a living, why kill yourself working? Boy, have I worked hard and been damn good at it for dead end places that end up going out of business or not even caring about their employees in the least. Can't convince me anymore that hard work gets you anywhere but straight to the point of killing yourself working. Life is known not to be fair, but if we all stopped accepting that perhaps it could be very fair. The closer I get to the end, the more I desire to help others. But we are always told that you cannot help others if you cannot help yourself. I am physically fit and willing to continue to work hard for myself, but 'life is not fair.' I do not see any other way in regards of hope. What could I possibly desire at this point in my life other than to hope and wish some rich folk in the world to spare a consideration and give me some sort of chance. Even in the scientific world, the spot that is designated for hope in our human brains is the size of your average thumbnail. That's not a lot of hope, is it? I can say I love you all and that is no joke. At least it feels a lot better than saying, "I hate you all." Even typing the hate portion creates that uneasy feeling. | ||
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#2
07-29-2013, 10:54 PM
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