Breakfast I

[skarlorn]

Lord Filbus Furyfoot rested his enchanted sword blade on the pathetic neck of the wood elf.

"I have come for your people," he said. His cute hobbit voice was brassy and muffled beneath his custom velious plate helm. "Who tried to kill me in Yola's home?"

The wood elf sobbed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Holding the hilt of his sword, Filbus calmly drew his right arm back in a smooth motion and cut halfway through the neck of the wood elf. A sheet of blood sprayed up. Filbus backed away. Another sheet.

He felt a little queasy. Oh.

He had almost forgot his afternoon tea!

Filbus hailed Rallos Zek and like always, the deity did not respond. Once, Filbus had been favored by Rallos Zek, just as he had been favored by Bristlebane before that.

Why had Rallos abandoned him? He had brought war to the evil elves of the forest. Was that not the will of War?

Filbus reclined on a cushioned seat with velvet violet lining. The lamplight gloated over him. He thought of Yola. Saw her press into the dirt of her grave. Ah, nevermore!

Suddenly he spat his tea all over the place. What was he doing, having a rest and a snack? Yola's murders were still out there!

The autistic earth elemental appeared. "You have done well killing these innocent elves but you are still a failure and a cuck," it said.

"Hail, an earth elemental."

"Do you want to know who killed Yola?" the elemental asked.

The Greater Faydark forest went silent. Filbus Furyfoot, the halfling Warlord who had single-handedly defeated both the Goblin King and Lord Pickclaw rose from his cushioned seat. "You will tell me, if you are a [friend] to Rivervale," he threatened.

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"I will tell you, but don't expect a lot of emotive expression from me because I am an autistic," commented the earth elemental. It paused and looked flatly at Filbus.

"Is this a cliff hanger?" Wondered Filbus. "Perhaps this is a logical point at which to stop the narrative."

The earth elemental said, said, "Okay, I will tell you now.

"Merchant Weaolanae is an upstart Baker in Kelethin who is envious of Yola's baking prowess. You know how dangerous bakers can get. Weaolanae rigged the gnomish explosives around Yola's hobbit hole and then blasted you two good. Now she reigns supreme as the importer of the most eaten Faydark Batwing Crunchie in Antonica. Basically, that means she's fronting in your turf, you feel?"

Filbus lurched forward, "where is this btich i wiLL kill her"

"You can't just kill her any old way," goaded the autistic earth elemental.

"What do you mean? She is wood elf scum. It should be easy enough to kill her in a non-patriarchal way," said Filbus.

The earth elemental shook his head. "Your God would not approve of that."

The hobbit was electrified. Rallos? Watching him NOW?

"You must rig gnomish explosives around Waeolana, the Yola of Kelethin's, tree hut. Then you will detonate them and she shall be Shreked. If you do not do this you will be Chosen as the Prodigal Cuck. You have been warned." The earth elemental turned and threw himself off of the Kelethin platform.

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There was nothing for it. Filbus HAD to do what the wise elemental guided. 30 seconds later, he had rigged Merchant Weaolanae's entire spot with pretty dope gnomish c4 plastiq explosives. He was getting slower in his old age.

Finally, redemption. Salvation. Yola's revenge.

He raised the mana-gem powered detonator.

He would call his adventure, "The Baker's Avenger."

Click.





BOOM


The explosion was clinical in its destruction. Filbus cackled with laughter as he saw the flaming body of his dead foe burn within the confines of her own home. He fell to his knees and lifted his hands towards the sky. "IS THIS ENOUGH RALLOS?" he cried. "WHAT MORE CAN YOU TAKE FROM ME?!"

That was the moment he realized he was no longer looking at the stars of Greater Faydark. The stars there shone brighter than the rest of Norrath and you could make out the ships of ancient elves who still sometimes roamed the sky. No, he was looking at the sky of the Misty Thicket.

He was back in the Misty Thicket, standing over the body of Yola Sweetcookie. He was in her destroyed hut.

Was this a dream? He knocked out a tooth - a surefire way to wake up from any dream. The tooth came out. No - this was reality. Now he was missing a front tooth.

The elemental brooded in the shadows nearby.

"What have you done to me, elemental?" asked Filbus.

"you killed Yola you fucking idiot," laughed the elemental. "I can't believe you actually fell for it!"

The halfling warlord roared. He reached for his weapons. They weren't there.

"You fell for the oldest trick in the book! The old calcium cock grower pill," crowed the autistic elemental. Autistic people can be very mean.

"Where are my weapons?" Filbus wondered fearfully. His bags were all empty!

The earth elemental stopped laughing. It said in a deep voice, "Now I will show you my true identity, scrub."

Filbus waited a long moment.

"What [true identity]?" he finally asked.

The earth elemental's eyes were blank. "Sorry, I am A.F.K., <Away from Keyboard> right now."

[Lhancelot]

Is this earth elemental Rygar by chance?

[d3r14k]

Originally Posted by Lhancelot [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Is this earth elemental Rygar by chance?

Holy hell, I didn't catch that. A very creative pot shot, if true.

[Lhancelot]

Originally Posted by d3r14k [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Holy hell, I didn't catch that. A very creative pot shot, if true.

I am inside Skarlorn's brain now. I done figured his insanity out.

[maskedmelon]

would be a interesting twist if the ele was llandris exercisin the fine art of manipulation to bring war to rivervale since he is bound by his oath against doing it himself. he would also then be compelled to destroy Filbus for his attack on the city.

[skarlorn]

Shout out to deriak for helping me get pics for this chapter!

[d3r14k]

Great read. I should have read this at home instead of the office. 7:00 is too early to be getting weird glances because I'm stifling laughter and I'd have a hard time explaining I was laughing about hobbit elf-pal fiction.

I don't understand all the history with the Wu'Tang / Tu'Wang surname fiasco, though. This happened before my time, I assume.

Originally Posted by skarlorn [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Shout out to deriak for helping me get pics for this chapter!

[Baler]

Great read! 5/5 stars!
I really enjoy The Legacy of Filbus.

[d3r14k]

Lhance, this is my fault. I tried to get him to scowl, but I'm at ally faction with these guys normally. I punched Gubbin in the face 20 times until I had half the town hall and bankers attacking and casting on me and I had to flee. I think a better way would have been to create a new character where I started at indifferent faction and then attack him? In any case, we can't place any blame on the story for my screenshot shortcomings.

[skarlorn]

i'm very sorry for libeling u like that. I cannot remember his title either but he was Chronicler of something at some point.

Fear not pal, there is 1 more installment in the Breakfast series and i'll spend 50-10,000 words addressing this egregious error