The Chronicles of Smarmia: ***OFFICIAL***-S.o.R.P. YT Tracking

[maskedmelon]

Dear Prophet let not the fiery zeal of your devotion let slip clarity into your addled mind. If we are to spread the Good Word of the Retarded God, we must acknowledge all Good Works in his name. This Infidel has committed an act of severe retardation which should not only be celebrated of its own merit, bu also by virus of his own recognition of the Retardation. Your objection is heartfelt, but the motion has already been seconded, by me. The matter now rests in the hands of our esteemed Treasury Secretary as per protocol proposed by the honorable Director of the Department of Trolling Until You Believe your Own Trolls and ratified by members of our fine Society.

[Spyder73]

Kekephee the Unwashed shall not receive FKP until he has burned away his sins in the Holy Flame of Purity that shall be flatulized from the rear end of the Retarded God. I think there is hope for Kekephee, so I shall hold the Torch of Retardation myself, the very one that shall ignite thine fart of our God and set ablaze the world of the non-belibieber, ushering in a New Age.

[maskedmelon]

The matter rests with our Lord Treasury Secretary. Your objections are duly noted and if affirmed in veto by our Lord Treasury Secretary shall stand and Kekephee shall be spared the eternal shame of official recognition for his self-inflicted YT if that is where your heart lies.

[Pokesan]

Here follow the considerations of this council, being chaired by Treasury Secretary Pokesan, Number #1 Forum Arsonist.

Originally Posted by Big_Japan [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

On behalf o the Imperial Church of the Retarded God, I would like to nominate both maskedmelon and captnamazing for one (1) FKP (forum kill point) point per person for the two aforementioned posts, which have shattered my tiny world and plunged me into a cosmos of Retardation more expansive than my petty mind could ever have dreamed on its own.

His Holiness, Pope Big Japan of the Society of Retarded Posters has proposed the issuance of FKP to two individuals committing posts of massive retardation. Let us examine the weight and measure of their writings.

Originally Posted by maskedmelon [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Too long has the Ivory Throne of Luna's Sea sat cold and vacant, the warmth of living flesh and seething flame of power all but forgotten to her empty sear and high back. Too long have our people suffered leaderless in the fickle shadows of uncertainty and perverse liberties, amok the ways that are right and good. For shame! Too long in the black crevices of decorum and protocol have wrongdoers schemed in dark ambition!*

TOO LONG have the wicked wrought ruin upon the fields of our people, lost and leaderless beneath the dark pall of abandonment.

Too long have our people endured no rule.

Too long.


Your bold claim comes as a breath of fresh air in the growing stench of foul things. Our esteemed Society, found of ambition and virtuous intent sought to right the wrongs, the degeneracy and stagnation in mortal combat with good works. Devoid explicit leadership, in collaborative spirit we have won gains, great and small and all manners between.

Let not our success in the shifting face of adversity occlude *our profound longing for consolidated authority. Your claim is sorely desired.

As Adjudicator of Indecision and Orator of Superfluous Nothings and Chronicler and Archivist of our Great Society of Retarded Posters, and Prophet of Naught, it is incumbent upon me to query an y such claimant on matters of law and lore and faith, such that fraudulent claims might be known to all who lay eyes upon them and that the unholy wrath might befall he who dares make mockery of our Eminence in Absence, Supreme Leader & Caliph.

Tell us. Pray do not disappoint.

The Honorable Adjudicator, Orator of Superfluous Nothings, Chronicler and Archivist of our Society, maskedmelon, has demonstrated great belief and fastness to our Holy Cause. Retardation alone is not enough to bring forth the Cleansing Fire this unholy den of serious posters need. Care should be taken in ceding too much power to one so new, but his vividity of belief is refreshing. I will not name him the Chosen One just yet, that is for the Stones to tell. For now, Cast aside your fears and bask in the Umbra of Our Retarded God!

It is the judgment of this body that maskedmelon shall be awarded (1) Forum Kill Point! Praise be to all the faithful of our faith!

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I make great nod to your Query, maskedmelon, with whom I have danced upon the tips of waves with flaming word.

The Truth became when I posted the thread: sorp = sheep. This post boosted my Retardation to great levels, unknown formerly to myself. The blinders, shredded from my sight, lifted my spirit up into the Great Halls where gods roam. And there I sat, face to face, with the Retarded God.

"God," Said I, "where can it be, this land of Intelligent Poster?"
(for in my Lunacy, yet I craved a Board of Order & Wisdom without Petulance)
"Over the Mountains of the Firegiant,
Down the Valley of Succ Me,
Post, boldly Post," the God replied
"if you seek for retardation."

And with his final word a duck quacked and smote me as with wet clay upon my tummy region. I returned to my body and had Great Vision and became recognized by all present as the Caliph and Great Mystic of our Ancient and Venerable Order. Also I am the Lord of Tummy.

But I have cast aside the title of Supreme Dictator, until the time comes, when we must face the One Enemy. Only then will I reforge the Title and unite all Posters under the Flags of Retardation to do great battle with the Dark Lord of Witless & Serious Posters, Chest Rockwell.

Our newest Retarded friend has clearly been seared by the flames of a Holy Vision of the Retarded Spirit! His vigor in belief cannot be questioned, his scribings warrant consideration for monument. He is newly among us and speaks with the power of faith I cannot describe in myself. This is a truly retarded individual - we will need many more like him if we are to defeat Chest and his allies.

Let it be known here, in the Umbra of Flames; The Dread Catman, captnamazing, Who has Seen the Retarded God, Wielder of the Blind Insult, Lord of the Tummy and Great Mystic Yogic Caliph - has been awarded (1) Forum Kill Point!

Originally Posted by Filthy_Pagan [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I second this motion. Let it be so that on this day, the Twenty-third day of the twelfth month of the year two thousand and fifteen of our Lord the Retarded God, that Maskedmelon and Captnamazing be granted one (1) FKP (Forum Kill Point) each.

Acknowledged administratively, that none may question the justice of our Society.

[Pokesan]

The question of Kekephee, an outsider to our Society, being awarded FKP, requires more discussion before a ruling can be issued.

As a Retard, it is my belief that we must spread our Faith in words and ACTION, to bring the spirit of Truth to as many individuals as can accept it. I do believe it is both just and prudent to allow the awardment of FKP to non-members, so long as their words and actions meet with the standards of our goals. This is my position as a Retard, let us begin our Debate and Discussion on the matter.

If we believe Kekephee is Retarded, surely he belongs amongst us. Let us stoke the flames within his heart, that he may soon join us in Faith.

I yield the floor to the next speaker.

[Filthy_Pagan]

Is that permitted, Grand Moff Shogun, Adjucator of Indecision and Orator of Superfluous Nothings, Chronicler and Archivist?

He is not of the society. May he receive FKPs?

His admission and flagellation are noble indeed, and may find him mercy in the eyes of the divine Retarded God, but we would do well to ponder this thoroughly so as not to invoke His most divine anger.


I shall begin fingering the tomes in search of an answer.

[jcr4990]

Whole thread is TL;DR

[Pokesan]

Originally Posted by jcr4990 [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Whole thread is TL;DR

Illiteracy is sometimes a symptom of the Holy Retarded Spirit manifesting itself.

Please report to the temple for...testing...

[captnamazing]

I have heard the pleas of all in the chamber. I admit that I did fall asleep for a time. But that is my Right as a Retard, for I should not have to listen to information before responding with zeal.

On the matter of Kekephee. Yea, surely he is retarded; one must only look upon his history of posts to see the Great Brand of Mental Retardation upon all his devices.

And with great struggle hath Pokesan, our Retarded Treasurer, typed these messages for us to witness. For is he not Retarded?

I hear the workings of our God, who oft sits in the corner with the glue upon his hands and face and mouth, until the God of Supervision comes forth to banish him into the padded rooms.

For dingus, let henceforth flow from our breasts unto him the sweet milk of FKP, if the motion has been seconded by one other than me. I will squeeze above him my very own sweet and supple nipples to create the fine wines of the Retard. I hold thus that in ACTION we may all deliver the dairy nectar of the Divine, even to those who do not yet bear the mantle.

[Filthy_Pagan]

Many a tome has been fingered and I believe I have found an answer to our quandry regarding the self flagellator.

Book 2, Chapter 17, Section 8, Subsection 13b-2, Paragraph 97, beginning on Line 2 of The Tales of Jerpipus and the Retarded Crusade states:

"Once before was a heretic awarded FKP in the times of yore,
For but a typo and nothing more,
His negligence did portray tard,
And so the Society kekkled unnaturally hard,
But alas the God of Retardation,
Was quite displeased and did flood the nation,
He strippeth his order of their retardation,
As punishment for their sin.

But forth did he send a cat-faced prophet,
Who spoke to the order,
"You faggots must stop it",
"The Retarded God demands ordination",
"No FKP awards for self flagellation"


I believe this segment of scripture clearly states that we must not award FKP to non members, lest we be cursed with logical thought and quality posts.

However, I could find nothing that says we cannot convert heretics or allow them into the order, only that a suitable quest must be fulfilled by the heretic in question.