Breakfast I

[d3r14k]

Skarlorn, is this how this story ends? With the slaying of my people in their home city? The senseless murder of Merchant Nildar!? He doesn't put up shop outside of the bank for fun, he does it to support his family (nestled in the quiet corner in random Kelethin wood elven hut #8). If so, expect a retaliation thread and immediate wood elf mobilizaton against Rivervale with gruesome photos of slain halflings.

[Lhancelot]

Originally Posted by d3r14k [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Skarlorn, is this how this story ends? With the slaying of my people in their home city? The senseless murder of Merchant Nildar!? He doesn't put up shop outside of the bank for fun, he does it to support his family (nestled in the quiet corner in random Kelethin wood elven hut #8). If so, expect a retaliation thread and immediate wood elf mobilizaton against Rivervale with gruesome photos of slain halflings.

Nildar already is dealing with enough...

Nildar waits with a heavy heart for the return of his long lost brother who was kidnapped and taken as a slave into the mines of Crushbone. Word has reached Nildar of the most atrocious acts rendered upon his brother in those mines by the orc slavers...

For a halfling to walk into the city of the wood elves and randomly start attacking Nildar of all elves is beyond egregious. Death, not punishment is the only appropriate course of action here for the offender Filbus.


Filbus is an abomination. He is a warrior with no direction, no deity to guide him proper. Nothing in his life worth living for, even his own people secretly despise him and his awfulness behind his back.

Someone or some THING needs to obliterate this monstrous, blasphemous little beast that calls himself Filbus.

Rise up Kelethin. Destroy Filbus.

[skarlorn]

praise Rallos Zek

(more 2 come soon i have bene busy)

[Lhancelot]

Originally Posted by skarlorn [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

praise Rallos Zek

(more 2 come soon i have bene busy)

Reroll Filbus. It's the only way.

[skarlorn]

Lord Filbus Furyfoot rested his enchanted sword blade on the pathetic neck of the wood elf.

"I have come for your people," he said. His cute hobbit voice was brassy and muffled beneath his custom velious plate helm. "Who tried to kill me in Yola's home?"

The wood elf sobbed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Holding the hilt of his sword, Filbus calmly drew his right arm back in a smooth motion and cut halfway through the neck of the wood elf. A sheet of blood sprayed up. Filbus backed away. Another sheet.

He felt a little queasy. Oh.

He had almost forgot his afternoon tea!

Filbus hailed Rallos Zek and like always, the deity did not respond. Once, Filbus had been favored by Rallos Zek, just as he had been favored by Bristlebane before that.

Why had Rallos abandoned him? He had brought war to the evil elves of the forest. Was that not the will of War?

Filbus reclined on a cushioned seat with velvet violet lining. The lamplight gloated over him. He thought of Yola. Saw her press into the dirt of her grave. Ah, nevermore!

Suddenly he spat his tea all over the place. What was he doing, having a rest and a snack? Yola's murders were still out there!

The autistic earth elemental appeared. "You have done well killing these innocent elves but you are still a failure and a cuck," it said.

"Hail, an earth elemental."

"Do you want to know who killed Yola?" the elemental asked.

The Greater Faydark forest went silent. Filbus Furyfoot, the halfling Warlord who had single-handedly defeated both the Goblin King and Lord Pickclaw rose from his cushioned seat. "You will tell me, if you are a [friend] to Rivervale," he threatened.

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"I will tell you, but don't expect a lot of emotive expression from me because I am an autistic," commented the earth elemental. It paused and looked flatly at Filbus.

"Is this a cliff hanger?" Wondered Filbus. "Perhaps this is a logical point at which to stop the narrative."

The earth elemental said, said, "Okay, I will tell you now.

"Merchant Weaolanae is an upstart Baker in Kelethin who is envious of Yola's baking prowess. You know how dangerous bakers can get. Weaolanae rigged the gnomish explosives around Yola's hobbit hole and then blasted you two good. Now she reigns supreme as the importer of the most eaten Faydark Batwing Crunchie in Antonica. Basically, that means she's fronting in your turf, you feel?"

Filbus lurched forward, "where is this btich i wiLL kill her"

"You can't just kill her any old way," goaded the autistic earth elemental.

"What do you mean? She is wood elf scum. It should be easy enough to kill her in a non-patriarchal way," said Filbus.

The earth elemental shook his head. "Your God would not approve of that."

The hobbit was electrified. Rallos? Watching him NOW?

"You must rig gnomish explosives around Waeolana, the Yola of Kelethin's, tree hut. Then you will detonate them and she shall be Shreked. If you do not do this you will be Chosen as the Prodigal Cuck. You have been warned." The earth elemental turned and threw himself off of the Kelethin platform.

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There was nothing for it. Filbus HAD to do what the wise elemental guided. 30 seconds later, he had rigged Merchant Weaolanae's entire spot with pretty dope gnomish c4 plastiq explosives. He was getting slower in his old age.

Finally, redemption. Salvation. Yola's revenge.

He raised the mana-gem powered detonator.

He would call his adventure, "The Baker's Avenger."

Click.





BOOM


The explosion was clinical in its destruction. Filbus cackled with laughter as he saw the flaming body of his dead foe burn within the confines of her own home. He fell to his knees and lifted his hands towards the sky. "IS THIS ENOUGH RALLOS?" he cried. "WHAT MORE CAN YOU TAKE FROM ME?!"

That was the moment he realized he was no longer looking at the stars of Greater Faydark. The stars there shone brighter than the rest of Norrath and you could make out the ships of ancient elves who still sometimes roamed the sky. No, he was looking at the sky of the Misty Thicket.

He was back in the Misty Thicket, standing over the body of Yola Sweetcookie. He was in her destroyed hut.

Was this a dream? He knocked out a tooth - a surefire way to wake up from any dream. The tooth came out. No - this was reality. Now he was missing a front tooth.

The elemental brooded in the shadows nearby.

"What have you done to me, elemental?" asked Filbus.

"you killed Yola you fucking idiot," laughed the elemental. "I can't believe you actually fell for it!"

The halfling warlord roared. He reached for his weapons. They weren't there.

"You fell for the oldest trick in the book! The old calcium cock grower pill," crowed the autistic elemental. Autistic people can be very mean.

"Where are my weapons?" Filbus wondered fearfully. His bags were all empty!

The earth elemental stopped laughing. It said in a deep voice, "Now I will show you my true identity, scrub."

Filbus waited a long moment.

"What [true identity]?" he finally asked.

The earth elemental's eyes were blank. "Sorry, I am A.F.K., <Away from Keyboard> right now."

[Lhancelot]

Is this earth elemental Rygar by chance?

[d3r14k]

Originally Posted by Lhancelot [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Is this earth elemental Rygar by chance?

Holy hell, I didn't catch that. A very creative pot shot, if true.

[Lhancelot]

Originally Posted by d3r14k [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Holy hell, I didn't catch that. A very creative pot shot, if true.

I am inside Skarlorn's brain now. I done figured his insanity out.

[maskedmelon]

would be a interesting twist if the ele was llandris exercisin the fine art of manipulation to bring war to rivervale since he is bound by his oath against doing it himself. he would also then be compelled to destroy Filbus for his attack on the city.

[skarlorn]

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The earth elemental stood triumphant over Filbus Furyfoot. The halfling warlord was on his knees, his hands uselessly putting pieces of Yola back together.

"You're a mess, Yola," Filbus moaned. What had he done? Rallos, what had he done?!

At last, the earth elemental moved. "Sry bout that," it said in a shrill voice, "i had to get my hot pockets."

In an instant, the earth elemental illusion disappeared. A human stood in its place, wearing the robes of a monk. He threw an empty Ball of Golem Clay on the burnt grass of the Thicket.

"It was so easy to dupe you," the monk sneered. He wore an eyepatch and had mid-length golden hair. "Finally, I have destroyed your home. You have destroyed your relationship with your God, and you have killed your Yola! Now, you will serve the will of the Retarded God as my slave!!"

"Who ARE you?" Filbus cried. He stood up, but there was no fight in his voice. Truly, for the first time, Filbus tasted defeat. How had this happened?

The monk cleared his throat. "I am Tekilya Tu'Wang, Grand Archivist and Chronicler of your Adventures and also the Archivist of the Retarded God," he said in an important voice. The human paused for a moment, waiting for a reaction from Filbus.

The halfling picked a booger. "Sorry, who?"

"WHO?" screeched Tekilya "WHO AM I? Surely you have read my great tales which tell the story of your cuckening...." the monk squatted low and raised his hands over his shoulders and carried on in a shrieking autistic voice, "I AM THE GREAT DISCIPLE OF MASTER WU AND I HAVE DESTROYED YOU FILBUS I HAVE FINALLY TURNED YOU INTO MY LITTLE CUCK AND NOW YOU WILL BE MY SERVANT AND WE WILL GO TO LLANDRIS AND YOU WILL MAKE HIM GIVE ME THE SURNAME WU'TANG WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY MINE, AND HE WILL DO THIS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU DEFEATED HIM. HE WILL NO LONGER BE FORCED TO PROTECT RIVERVALE, AND I WILL HAVE MY PRECIOUS SURNAME!"

Tekilya finished off his rant with a long "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"I see," Filbus thought sagely, "This monk is retarded." The halfling turned to enter Rivervale, but shockingly, found the guards scowling at him.

Tekilya pranced around, farting on the grass. "Bahaha, you stupid cuck, when you thought you were killing wood elves, you were really killing hobbits! Bahaha! Bah ha HA!"

Filbus felt a chill go through him. To what extent had he visited destruction on his people? He snuck into Rivervale and managed to make it all the way into the castle, the annoying Tekilya crowing over his shoulder.

In an instant, Filbus's world changed.

Mayor Gubbin scowled at him, ready to attack.

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Just then, Filbus's invisibility spell faded. Hordes of halfling deputies swarmed him and put handcuffs on him. Filbus did not fight. Gubbin looked at him with hatred.

"How COULD you Filbus? You were supposed to Protect the Vale... not destroy it!"

Filbus had no answer. He let them throw him into the dark dungeons beneath the city. Somehow, Tekilya managed to stay with him every step of the way.

In his dark cell, Filbus was given his last Dinner. Tomorrow would be the execution. He ate the JumJum Stalk thoughtlessly. He was worse than a shady halfling. He deserved to die.

Gubbin would most likely wait for Llandris to come, so that the GM could ban Filbus from ever entering Rivervale again. The warlord hoped that they would just execute him first.

Meanwhile, Tekilya continued bragging about his genius plan. "And then you took the pill, you took the pill you fay gate," purred the monk autistically, "You slept for a whole day... and didn't even realize what had happened when the banker corrected your mistake on your withdrawal slip." Tekilya lit a cigarette of hobbit leaf. He inhaled and blew out a misshapen ring.

Filbus mulled this over as he ate his JumJum and coney. How could he have been so stupid?

Suddenly, it dawned on him.

"GUARDS!" Filbus yelled.

Tekilya looked at him in confusion.

The deputies waddled over. "What is it, M'lord," one of them said. The other stared daggers at his companion. "Er - what is it - prisoner?" The one who spoke corrected himself.

Filbus belched and flung the plate against his cell wall. He strode to the bars, his sizable little belly pressing through the gaps.

"I have been betrayed, and I need your help."

"You've killed half of Rivervale," said the Deputy in astonishment. "You MUST be executed by tickles - or worse, exiled!"

Filbus leaned forward. "No, you see... This human monk tricked me. He gave me a magic pill that made my cock huge (don't tell any of the ladies in town [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.] ) , but it also knocked me out for a whole day, while he took me back to Rivervale and used powerful autistic magic to make me think I was purging wood elf scum, not killing halflings."

Tekilya and the Deputies were silent.

"I understand what I've done is wrong," admitted the warlord, "but don't you see? I was deranged. My MR was totally nerfed... I missed a whole day of meals!"

The Deputies gasped.

Tekilya's eyes turned to slits. He assumed his autistic stance.

The Deputies conferred with each other quietly, under their breaths. Filbus sagged against the bars, truly exhausted emotionally and, now that he realized he had missed a FULL day of meals, physically.

No wonder he had been cucked!

Then, the Deputies opened the cage door and clobbered Tekilya with their briarwood clubs. The poor monk shrieked and hollered but he was terribly inept at using his Feign Death and before long he was knocked unconscious, bleeding on the floor.

Filbus smiled. He rolled Tekilya over with his big hairy foot. The monk groaned.

Yola's killer wasn't the elves. It wasn't really Filbus, either. It was this retarded monk.

The halfling warlord's smile turned to ice. "Now we will see who the cuck is," he hissed, unbuckling his pants.