Lhancelot, The Chimera - Page 3

Spyder73 · #1 01-26-2018, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemonhead [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

But how does Lancebot still remain? Is it that strong and resilient of spirit? There's something wrong with everything here.

To ask what is Lancebot, is to ask what is me, what is the world, what is consciousness itself.

Lemonhead · #2 01-26-2018, 10:55 AM

Ok, So, this is the Matrix and ummm, Lance is...Or wait, Lance IS the Matrix and we are illogically feeding it's power because we are perpetual motion machines of pure drivel and something about dinosaurs are really cool and...

I wish I was jakerees so bad right now. where are you?

Rivera · #3 01-26-2018, 01:48 PM

lhancelot is easily my most favorite person on the forums... so glad hes finally getting the recognition he deserves!

d3r14k · #4 02-12-2018, 11:30 PM

For Episode I (https://www.project1999.com/forums/s...d.php?t=288935)

In the calm tranquility of Northern Felwithe...

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His head throbbed. "Ugh...throbbing was a bad word choice for some reason", Tuluven thought to himself. After a groan, he managed to open his eyes, only to find several priests standing around him.

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Their leader, Yeolarn raised his chin and spoke: "Tuluven, you are awake! It has taken the collective might of the Clerics of Tunare to rid you of your drug-induced stupor. Alas, you have also suffered many grave wounds."

Tuluven inspected himself. There were several abrasions around his lower back, as if someone had been thrusting there but was not quite sure how to do it properly. Surely this was the work of Lhancelot... "What happened, Master Yeolarn? I remember nothing save that I was set on by a mechanical beast."

The Grandmaster Cleric nodded his head voraciously, rustling his alabaster hair. "You were happened upon by Dill Fireshine in the middle of the Steamfont Mountains. Your pants were about your ankles and your demeanor was that of an inconsolable stripling." Yeolarn sighed. "I fear if not for Dill, your state would have been grave."

Tuluven continued to look about his person. "And what of my breastplate and my leggings!? I have been robbed!"

"You have not been robbed, young Druid. You sold your belongings for more peyote not a fortnight past. Do you truly remember nothing? Have you heard nothing!? The Clerics of Tunare have worked tirelessly to rebind your mortal and mental coils. You were defeated by Lhancelot and his Gnomish-Engineered Dildo Machine. It has been terrorizing the countryside and you are being blamed for its release."

"Well piss", Tuluven muttered to himself. "There has to be something I can do!"

"There is more. Even worse, the Gods have seen it fit to destroy the entire continent due to the threat this dildo machine poses. They have cast a powerful summoning spell to crush the continent: The Moon of Phenyo. It will decimate Faydwer in 72 hours if you do nothing." Yeolarn gracefully rose a plated arm towards the door and gestured. "Follow me outside."

Tuluven looked to the sky and could not believe his eyes.

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Yeolarn continued, "There is but one hope for us. Travel to the deserts outside Freeport and locate a gnome named Ping Fuzzlecutter. He searches for a long lost artifact that will aid us. It will dispel Lhancelot's power in one fell swoop."

Tuluven sprang to his feet. "I will waste no time!" Tuluven knew after being de-pants'd and likely fucked unconscious by this dildo machine he had to save some face. He began a wicked awesome port spell with many bright lights and vibrant colors to try to impress the elves, but instead fizzled several times and had to meditate.

*le sigh*

Before long, he had made it to Freeport to seek out Ping Fuzzlecutter:

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"Bork bork!" Tuluven announced himself. He began a long ramble to bring Mr. Fuzzlecutter up to speed. After some conversation, Ping led Tuluven to his excavations and pointed towards a skull he had uncovered.

"Do not come any closer!" Ping warned. "I have dug for this skull in this very spot for 19 years. Finally the fruits of my labor will be realized." He called over his assistant, a halfling who he had lovingly named "Derpington" and they began to meticulously uncover the ancient skull. Derpington looked similar to Filbus, as if he were his retarded cousin. Tuluven wondered if there was a relation...

Without much warning, Derpington let out a wild autistic screech and brought his excavation tool down with +50 bulging retard strength:

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Ping looked horrifed and instinctively laid a mean backhand to Derpington's face. "You fool of Took! We have been here for part-near two decades and you fuck this up! Leave it to a hobbit! I have half a mind to...t-". Ping seemed to trail off as he reached into the back of the skull and uncovered something. An ancient and powerful artifact: The Statue of Baler. "By Brell...we've found it." He identified the statue:

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Tuluven piped up, "Uh yeah, I'm gonna need that. There's a super high moon about to jack up Felwithe or something. I'm told this statue has the power to stop it."

Ping shook his head. "You do not know the power of this artifact, wood elf. This statue has very large coat-tails. They are the only thing that can stop Lhancelot, for he wishes to ride on them to ForumQuesting victory."

Tuluven did not quite understand what all that was about, but he wished to take part nonetheless, mostly because it sounded very exciting and ominous. He snatched the artifact with doggo swiftness and equipped it to his RANGE slot.

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Now he was ready. Tuluven would make his journey back to the Steamfont Mountains to dispatch of Lhancelot and his dildo machine, which would hopefully stave off the God's anger and convince them to recall the Moon of Phenyo, which would almost certainly spell immediate doom for all of Faydwer's inhabitants.

He ran his doggo legs back to Steamfont with undue haste, as Ping and Derpington screeched angrily, fading away in the distance of the setting desert landscape...

To be continued...

Lhancelot · #5 02-12-2018, 11:54 PM

Best part is the Moon of Phenyo, and the written imagery of my dildo machine fucking you unconsciously was a nice touch too.

Clearly the story veers off much of the truth, but I understand for humor purposes certain liberties are taken!

There is an irony to this story, which I am going to share with you one day, Tuluven. [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Rygar · #6 02-12-2018, 11:57 PM

Thread is 10/10 for spot on zingers and amazing production value. Never stop, sweet prince. Cecily has a known hatred of Lhancelot, I can only hope she is included and aids in ridding the world of his dildo machine.

skarlorn · #7 02-13-2018, 01:33 AM

DENY coattails

love it

Baler · #8 02-13-2018, 03:18 AM

This is awesome! [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

skarlorn · #9 02-13-2018, 06:14 PM

hi gundumbwing, always a pleasure to see my biggest hater!

Hope this helps you get over obesity!!!!!!!! (or whatever the affliction)

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d3r14k · #10 03-01-2018, 11:13 PM

For Episode I (https://www.project1999.com/forums/s...d.php?t=288935)

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The padding of rustled sand turned to a soft crunch as Tuluven's paws met the grassy verdure of the East Commonlands. The screeching from Ping and Derpington could no longer be heard off in the distance behind him. "Short legs give short chase," Tuluven thought to himself.

Before he set out for Steamfont to face Lhancelot, Tuluven took the opportunity to inspect the Statue of Baler once again. He clicked it with his wet snout in an attempt to access its hidden coattail powers. Much to his surprise, it lit up into a plethora of shining colors and violent pulsing. Tuluven was mesmerized.

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The statue spoke to him in a wizened, sage-like voice. It did not seem to make any sound, but rather spoke from within...

Tuluven, even though you are the grandest and shiniest of Druids, you are unprepared to face Lhancelot alone. Seek help from a wandering nomad in the deserts south of Freeport. He holds a powerful key to defeating Lhancelot. His name ... is Lulz~Sect. Beware, for Lulz may appear to be an asshat, spamming you and calling you a port bitch at first, but he will grow on you, I promise.

Tuluven nodded and set off for the Desert of Ro, finding Lulz~Sect almost immediately. When Tuluven saw him, he could not believe his eyes. Lulz lay in a pile of his own excrement, but jumped up immediately when he noticed he was not alone. This was the man he had set out to find?

"Do you like my suit? This is custom tailored," Lulz said proudly.

Tuluven saw nothing save some rotten, torn rags that looked to be hastily draped about Lulz's body. "Erm...yes, it's very nice."

"Come with me, I have an amazing condo on Wall Street not far from here," Lulz said with a smirk.

Tuluven followed Lulz toward what appeared to be a camp of vagabonds. Self preservation immediately came to mind when he looked at Lulz's company.

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When they had made it inside the camp, Lulz gave a self-affirming nod as he looked around. "This is where the magic happens. I've got a 10/10 in my lap most of the time here."

Tuluven could see no 10's here, only a hulking woman with which Lulz seemed to share some sort of affection. He assumed her name was TenInLap, akin to a figurative title rather than a literal ten.

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"This is all very impressive, Mr. Sect, but if we could get down to business... The Moon of Phenyo threatens to crush Norrath if we do not act quickly."

"Yes, yes," Lulz immediately looked irritated. "I know all about Lhancelot the Chimera. The key to his defeat will be to subdue his mechanical monstrosity. Without that, you will be able to vanquish him easily in single combat while using the artifact you possess."

"Very well," Tuluven said. "How do we subdue his dildo machine? It is ... very painfu--I mean powerful."

Lulz grinned deviously. "I have a summoning spell of my own. Behold!" He then began a crude jerking with his arm that made Tuluven very uncomfortable.

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The sky grew dark. Thunder crackled overhead. Much to his surprise, Tuluven saw an incredibly thicc creature materialize before his eyes. Lulz's eyes grew wide and he exclaimed, "This is Claire, my fembot! It will distract Lhance's dildo machine with great ease!"

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Lulz cackled with a sort of insane glee usually reserved for lunatics who diddle themselves in public. Tuluven grew anxious to get this done quickly, and said "I will port us to Steamfont. Let us be done with this!"

The thunderclouds rolled in overhead as the first gentle drops of rare desert rainfall graced the dunes near the camp...

To be continued...

Stay tuned for Chapter IV, the exciting conclusion of "Lhancelot, The Chimera"!